You are such a good husband and provider. How do I tell you that I need more than you can provide? We have been married 22 years, and I have had 7 lovers so far. I'm not proud of it, but you are just BORING in bed. I have told you time and time again I need more than you give me. Maybe one day you will understand. Oh, bye the way, one of our children you thought you fathered isn't yours. And it happened on purpose.
I don't understand how you worry about dying, yet you keep smoking. I'm
really worried that you're going to end up with lung cancer and I'll be
alone. The rest of my life. I will do whatever it takes to help you
quit. Your brother did it, your grandfather did it, you can too. I know it.
And I'm getting to where I don't enjoy being with your family anymore.
Your mother has this great passive aggressiveness way about her. And I'm
so sick of it. I'm sick of being number 2 in your life. But I always
will be, I know it. I've just learned to accept it. It really is true
when you marry the husband you marry the family.
And I'm also sick of your mother and her irresponsibility with money.
Seriously. It's ridiculous. 50 something years old and still can't seem
to hold onto a damn dollar to save her life. But it's all about making
it look like icing on the cake from the outside, isn't it?
I guess that's it, for now. Just needed those things off my chest.
I sit in my office everyday and look at our honeymoon pictures and realize what a wonderful love we have; You’re my best friend, you’re everything I was praying for, you’re my dream come true. I couldn’t ask for anything more. Let’s always try to remember and rekindle the love that brought us together.
i pointed both of them to this site. the one i live with, love with all my heart, and would never cheat on.
and the one that i can't get out of my head or out from under my skin. i want him to know. i want him to think about me. dream about me. want me.
what the hell is wrong with me?
Yes, I'm batshit crazy, I understand this, you seem to understand this. But to let people into OUR home to yell at me and tell me my feelings and thoughts are wrong and bad, well fuck you. I would NEVER let anyone come into our home to degrade you in that manner. It just drives home how little you really think of me.
Was I wrong in doing what I did? Yes and I see that, and I'm sorry its come to this, but there's nothing I can do. To have the accusations thrown at me that I've alienated your family from you, really? Aren't you a grown ass man who could have called at any time any of his siblings to get together but didn't? Aren't they? When was the last time your brother called you for the two of you to get together? Yeah, thought so, I can't remember either, but its somehow MY fault.
Oh, and by the way, you all hurt about me blogging about you...get the fuck over it, its not like I was cheating on you. I.CANNOT.TALK.TO.YOU! We both shut down, this was the only way I could get it out and cleanse it out of my system. I'm not a healthy person and you know this.
But dont worry. I've officially given up. All this crap at home and the crap at work has finally beaten me. I'll go back to who I used to be. Quiet, meek, silent. The real me has been beaten out of me and will not be seen again.
Oh, and thank you for the flowers yesterday, but really, we both know I dont deserve them, which is why I was so quiet about them. They sit there, a reminder that I'm nothing but an asshole as everyone thinks of me.
I really wish that when you and I talk about sex that you would actually listen. The other night you said to me you wanna go fuck? I told you I'm not quite in the mood you need to actually touch me to turn me on. AKA Foreplay. You took that as a rejection that I didn't want to do it. I've noticed lately that it's all me doing foreplay. Are you just too lazy or what? I know your not really into going down on a girl. I don't agree with you but oh well. Since when won't you even touch me to finger me or anything. Haven't you noticed the decrease in sex or the fact that when we do I don't get off? You always have an excuse; oh my hands were dirty. Well ya know we do have soap and water wash up.
I do want to have sex but I'm so tired of doing all the work and not getting any fun outta it that I don't ask anymore. Why be disappointed? The sad part is your either lazy or just don't care.
I shouldn't have to live the rest of my life this way..........
I hate this life I am living with you. Most days I want to run away to a place where no one can find me. To a place where I can be alone and not have to worry about taking care of anyone else. I know you didn't ask to be so much older than me and I know you hate what time is doing to your body not to mention the prostate cancer. But I hate this. I truly hate this. I am so worn out and tired that it's unreal. We haven't had any kind of sex life in almost a year. Any physical intimacy is gone and not likely to return as you have to continue those injections for two years. You just gave up on us. I have to hide my sexual self from you. During the summer I reached out to you, wanted you to touch me, wanted you to make me cum. I know you have no libido and can't get an erection but I thought we could still be close, still could share that. But you pulled away from me. Just flat out rejected me and it's been that way since. I feel like a piece of furniture. I feel unloved, unwanted, undesirable. I am only 45 for god's sake. I just want to be held and kissed and touched. I could take care of the orgasms myself if I could ever get 5 minutes of privacy but I can't even get that. I let another man seduce me and we have become friends and infrequent lovers. And I feel more loyal to him than to you even though he and I haven't had sex in a few months. So I thought I would go 'on the prowl' and join one of those online 'swinger' sites and find someone else who was in the same situation. Lots of men responded. Lots of men are interested. A few are definite possibilities. But I can't do it. I look at you and my heart turns inside out with love and I think "What am I doing?" and I think of J. and know he would be hurt as well. And I don't want anyone else but him. Actually I don't want anyone else but you but you don't want me. I'm such a baby. I can't even be a decent slut. And I feel caught. So goddamned caught. And hateful and resentful and cranky. Big time cranky. I am tired of taking care of you, tired of doing everything, tired of not having a minute to rest or dream. And if I dare complain about how things are you tell me I have no right. It's like you expect be to be a goddamned fucking martyr and just suck it up and be quiet. You have no idea what life is like for me. You have no fucking clue. And all I can say is "when is it going to be my turn to be happy? when will it be my turn to be taken care?"
The way and amount you eat is starting to really disgust me and turn me off.
I have been screwing since I was 15 years old and I have never met a man as messed up about sex as you. I love how you try to blame it on me. News flash, Romeo - Not even I believe you.
I think you are gay at heart. How do I know? Because whenever you get more than 2 drinks in you, you try to pick up the waiter. Not the waitress, the waiter. Am I supposed to not notice that you get all flirty and blushing?
Then you try to blame your soft dick on me. I am not attractive enough. I am too fat. I don't romance you enough. You are on anti-depressants.
Right, big boy. Listen, I have had sex with plenty of men. Not one of them has been as needy as you. Most guys - you give them a glance, a look - and they are ready to go. You? You claim to need romancing, and you STILL can't get it up.
Go fuck a guy if that is what you want. I don't care. Just don't blame your sexual problems on me. I don't need your three-inch dick so bad that I will work all day to get it. Go screw a boy. Have fun. Bye, bye, bye.
I'm not sure how it's come to this. I don't know how I've covered my eyes and ears and mouth in a bizarre game of see no, hear no, speak no evil for so very long. These past few months since your panic attacks have returned, since the unease has crept back in, since you were in hospital because of your heart... I have slowly become cold to you, lost to you.
You tell me I should be happy, you don't drink or do E or Acid anymore. Well, yes... but you did not stop because you wanted to, you stopped because the doctor said it could kill you. Your medications make you depressed and anxious, but you won't admit that it was like this before when our daughter was born. I hardly saw you for 3 months, and you were unemployed. How does that work? You were out every weekend with her.
Yes, we have always had an open relationship, but with the understanding if one or the other said "No, not that one" then that would be that. I was 3 months pregnant and it was the night before we got married and you slept with her after I specifically asked you not to. And like a fool I believed you when you swore you'd never see her again, and I married you like an even greater fool. And then a month later, I relented and said go be her friend because you were miserable without her. And you were always out and I was miserable with out you.
My pregnancy was magical for me, but it could of been so much more if you'd shown any interest. You never wanted to feel the baby kick, you didn't want to come with me to the doctor, you had a week off work when she was born and I was sitting in the hospital recovering from the c-section and you were not there. And I am so angry still.
Now she is older you are better with her but you have told me more than once you resent her for taking me from you. You get mad and flustered when she babbles at you, I know you're going deaf but she's two, you need to be patient. And you tell me you want me to get pregnant soon.... and for the life of me I don't know why when you glower at our daughter and get angry when it's your turn to get up with her.
I want more babies. I do not want them with you.
I waited and waited pretending I didn't want to get married because you decided you didn't want to marry me anymore after I went through my break down. So I waited for you to be ready for babies. I said we need to do this soon I'm 28. You reluctantly agreed. I was such a fool, I should of realized that it was the last thing that you really wanted. I got pregnant sooner than we planned and the look on your face when I told you was gray and hollow. I think I lost you that day.
And then he fell into our lives. I met him through our room mate. I didn't even know what he looked like, just chatted on MSN. He was fascinating. He was funny. I thought nothing of it. I ran a game session and he drove down from the north to play, and he intrigued me, so timid and unassuming, yet brilliant and whimsical and funny. I wanted to have him for a night, to blow his mind, to find the sexy, self assured me again. You agreed, you even helped me put my hair in pigtails, all the better to catch him with that night. But in the end we caught each other and I walked away from that night feeling a thousand feet tall and very, very lucky.
And then the words came, the letters back and forth, the dropping of our masks and I realized I had found what my grandmother had always told me about.... my twin soul. I was content in having him as an occasional lover and dearest friend, and so was he.
So what changed?
I know you had no idea how bad my debt was before we married. You had always insisted we keep our finances separate. I know you worry about money when we could sell the house and pay off the debt and buy another house, but you don't want to. You wanted to move home or close to it but the opportunity presented itself and you couldn't muster up enough courage to write the single email that would of landed you at the very least the interview. You have raged for 4 months now. Anger and vitriol, I never know what will set you off, our daughter whines and throws fits similar to yours and you ask me "Where did she learn that?" For everyone else you put on a brave face you don't let them see the pain or anger. But not me. I get it all. I suppose I should be honoured you're comfortable enough to bare your feelings to me. But I don't. Because frankly I'm not sure why the hell you are still with me when you speak to me like you do. Is it for our daughter? Because dear, if thats the case you're not doing her any favours, but then neither am I by staying.
I am locked to you by my debt. I wove my own trap. I long to cut the strands and run. I want to take our daughter away and be somewhere else. I want to be me again, not the me I fabricated to keep you happy. I want to sing again with abandon, I want to have books again. I want to belly dance and belly laugh.
I want to have his babies, because I know the joy little children bring him, by just being little children.
And do you know what makes it all so much more horrible for me? I still love you, I just don't want a life with you.