This one is for my bestest guy pal:
Thank you for listening to me about my disintegrating marriage and giving me a shoulder to cry on when needed.
Thank you for making me laugh when I need it the most.
Thank you for giving my shattered self confidence a boost.
Thank you for kicking me in the ass when I am being stupid or pigheaded.
And most of all, thank you for restoring my ability to trust men in general again.
Despite what your ex-fiancé says, you really are one of the few truly nice guys out there and I hope that someday you find someone who appreciates you and who loves you as much as you deserve.
I hate my life. I hate the fact that I can no longer spell simple words. I hate that I drink every night just to feel normal. I hate that I don't know you anymore. I hate to admit it's all about me when I know it's not. I hate that my addiction is to blame for everything. I hate that I have that on my shoulders. I hate that everyone gets to pawn off their shit on me because it's obvious I have a problem and THAT is the whole issue. I hate that I have a spoiled daughter and my parents started the whole thing and I HATE that I went along with it. I hate that you think EVERYTHING she does is wrong. I hate that I am so weak. And I hate when I do speak up the family goes into chaos.
I hate long confessions.
To my high school sweetheart,
Four years ago you said we were to young to get married you were 22 and I was 20. You said you needed to finish College and get a job. When you finished school and got a job I asked you again if we could get married. You then told me I needed to finish with College and get a job. So I finished school and have a job. I told you all I wanted for Christmas this year was to get married and you laughed at me. We've been together for 8 years and I'm not sure why I haven't left yet. I want you to know I wont wait much longer.... boy wouldn't that be a surprise for you to come home late from work and find me gone!
It's been more than twenty years since I've seen you even though we live ten
minutes apart. And then you show up, out of the blue and in an instant, you
are in my heart again. I feel like I am eighteen years old and just want to
drift away with you and forget the world and everything that is going on. I
know it will never happen, I could never betray my family like that, but I
fall asleep thinking about you and wake the same way.
I thought I would never feel that way again but here it is as clear as day.
Why did you have to come back?? You were relegated to my past, to that
corner of my heart, never to be seen or heard from again. The scary part is
that if you should any tiny bit of interest, I could easily fall completely
in love with you again. I need to see you and get you out of my system once
and for all, but I don't see that happening and it makes me so sad.
you make me sick. physically sick. I understand i have some problem... i suffer from depression and i don't think i could ever really live without someone with me but i hate that its you. You treat me like S**t.
I didn't never cared that i cried when we had sex cause you forced me to. You never cared that when the Dr. Found a cyst on my vaginal walls and i was on medication that i could not have sex you did it anyway and just washed the blood off you when you were done as i cried.
You don't care how i feel. You don't care that i make sure all the bills are paid on time. or that i work 12 hours a day just like you. you don't care that i started a college fund for you daughter (my step daughter) you don't care i have try to make sure you want for nothing.
I wanted a desk brought over that you volunteered and when you didn't bring it by 3pm i called to see where you were. you said that you couldn't bring it over and you were too busy to call me cause you were playing video games. that hurt my feelings so bad.... everything you do makes me hate you more and if i thought i could make it alone i would leave in a heartbeat.
When we first got together i loved you more then i have ever loved anyone but you have hurt me so much and so many times i cant stand you anymore and if it wasn't for my son needing me or a steady environment i would leave forever.
You make me so f**king sick.
I didn't marry you because after four years of us being together and being virgins, I realized that I wanted to have sex but I didn't want to have it with you.
So I said that I was leaving the country for work. I did leave the country, but it wasn't because of work, it was because I didn't want you to touch me.
I will never be able to tell you now that you are a good man and I hope that you will make some woman very happy some day.
Most women would hate that you would spend the entire day on the couch but I LOVE it. Because it means you are not running off to work, or to hang out with your buddies, or to drink beer and burn things in the yard. You are laying on the couch because you want to relax and be with me.
We are different. I read and study the dictionary. You take apart engines and go hunting. We are opposites in many ways and yet we still love each other.
I hope that we can always keep being special to each other in spite of (or because of) our differences.
To my husband:
You were the "right" choice; the safe choice. When I weighed the pros and cons, it was you. I listened with my head. Not my heart.
For the last eight years, I've thought about him every. single. day. I've thought about our last phone call, and how I should've ran and never looked back. How that single moment, that single phone call could've changed everything. I'm so afraid that if I'm given another chance, I'll follow my heart.
For months, my heart was bogged down by the idea that I had made the biggest mistake in letting you go. I pined for you, yearned for you, whispered your name in every song I sang-regretted ever saying goodbye to you.
Now that I think about it, I wasn't in love with you. I was in love with the person you could've been. I was in love with the possibility that you were changed.
But really, I couldn't care less, anymore. I don't need you. The only thing you were good for was to teach me a lesson that I had been taught a million times before, but didn't really know or have the strength, to apply it into my everyday life.
After saying that final goodbye and shaking myself out of my grief, I came out stronger.
Thank you for not knowing how good you had it with me. Thank you for letting me down time and time again. I emerged a hell of a lot smarter and stronger because of it.
I may have been bruised, but I was not broken.
If anyone here is broken-it's you. Whether you realize it or not, whether you get fixed or not, I don't care because I'm not coming back. And you shouldn't waste my time coming back, either.
This is me, waving goodbye to your name entering my thoughts, goodbye to the hold you had on my heart, goodbye to your name rolling down my tongue and out my mouth. Goodbye.
I hate that you whine and pout. Want to know why I don't want to have sex with you? I'm tired of being treated like I'm one of your possessions. You don't own me. Sex is not a duty or an obligation. It's supposed to be a joy. At first, it was because I was sick. Puking my guts out and you wanted to know when I was done so you could stick it in. If I objected, you pouted and whined until I had to give in just to shut you up. I got over that flu. But I can't get over how you treated me. And you always do that. God forbid I'm having cramps, or a migraine, or have a cold or the flu. I have to perform whenever you demand it and if I don't you pout, whine & cry until you coerce me into it.
Well, not anymore buddy boy. Intercourse against my will, without my willing consent, is rape, even if you are my husband. You don't even care if I just lay there and ignore you until you're done. I hate it. I hate feeling used. I hate feeling like I'm your personal sex doll. Don't touch me. Ever. I don't want to kiss. I don't want to snuggle. I know what you're trying to do. You think if you start doing all the little romantic things women like, I'll give in. Nope. It won't work. If I thought this was really a change of heart and you finally saw the light and decided to treat me better, then yes. But you've done this before. And I gave in. And you went back to wham bam without so much as a please or thank you.
You don't appreciate anything I do. You bitch and moan and whine no matter what I try to do. I pay off bills? You bitch because you don't have spending money. I let a bill slide so you can go to the game store, you bitch because the bills aren't being paid. I buy you something I thought I remembered you like? And I was wrong? Do you appreciate the effort? No! You accuse me of confusing you with my "boyfriend". Whatever. I buy you something you do like and you don't even acknowledge it. Or you demand to know what I've been up to.
I'm done. I'm just biding my time until one last detail is cleared up. Then I'm gone.