Monday, January 29, 2007

True Wife Confessions 151 Bacardi

Confession #1501

Even though I have told you that it grates on my very last nerve, you continue to chew huge glasses of ice. When I try to leave the room, you follow me and keep crunch crunch crunching ice. I want to stick an ice pick in my ears when you do this.

Confession #1502

I often wonder if you are staying with me because it's the right thing to do, not because you want to be with me. I also sometimes think that you don't really love the baby, that you're just going through the motions. I hope I'm wrong. When I think of the way your father behaves towards you, I know that I will do whatever it takes so that our child does not feel that kind of neglect. I do not want her, even once, to doubt that both of her parents love her and that she comes first in our lives. Please don't become your dad. His church-going does not make him a good man, and I really wish I could tell him that. I hate that he hurts you.

Confession #1503

I love you for understanding when I just needed to cry and mourn the loss of
my fertility. I love you more for telling me not to worry that we will find
a way to pay for the IVF treatments. I love you the most for telling a
friend that the boat the two of you were going to buy has to go on the back
burner for a bit because us having another baby is the priority now. I am so
happy knowing that you want this as much I do. I am glad you are my husband
and I love you more everyday.

Confession #1504

I love you.

I don't like you.

Don't respect you.

Damn sure don't trust you, but I love you.


Because "I love you" is a lifelong commitment to me.

Even when I can't stand your sorry ass

Confession #1505

I knew what I was doing. I set it all up without letting myself think about what I was doing. I took him to our favorite restaurant and I let him buy me drinks. I continued drinking when I knew it was a bad idea. And when we went home, I let everyone else leave so that we were alone. I let him think that he was making a move on me when I was vulnerable. And then I took him to your bed. It wasn't great. It wasn't even good. And I hated myself after it was over. I wish I had been a stronger person and not needed it. But I did need it, and I needed him. You deserved better. I'd like to say that I'd never do it again, that it made me a better, stronger person. But I don't know. How can I know? I didn't plan it.

I'll never tell you. I owe you that. And I love you.

Confession #1506

ode to my ex-
i know you're not truly happy.
i can see it in your eyes.
i know i'm the best you ever had, and in the end, you just didn't deserve me.
i hope cheating was worth it, and that you never forget me.
don't worry, i'll ALWAYS be around to remind you of what you could have had.

Confession #1507

I really love the fact that you are trying to lose weight. It's great that you are getting on the exercise bike each night. I appreciate that you take the bike back down to the garage when you're done. However, sometimes just changing clothes is NOT good enough! You have some pretty potent sweat glands. Sweat smells...and yours isn't any different. Please...stop re-using those boxers the next morning AFTER you take a shower...they have absorbed some of the stink. I wouldn't want your co-workers (or me for that matter) to smell it and think you are a dirty guy. It's not a good smell, I promise you!

Confession #1508

I wondered about you for so long. Where you were, who you were with, and I thought maybe someday our paths would cross again. You got married and divorced, I got married and had 2 kids. Once, before my wedding I wrote you a letter and mailed it to your parents' house. It had my address and email and I hoped you would try to contact me. That was 6 years ago, and when I never heard from you I started to move on. And then you found me online. And now my heart has butterflies when I see that you left me a message. I love my husband and my life and none of that will change, but I feel like I found something that has been lost for a very long time.

Confession #1509

Why do I want to, need to, see you again? I tell myself it is just one more
time, just for closure, but somewhere inside I know I am looking for more, I
need more. I need you back in my life. How did this happen after all these
years? I haven’t seen you in so long, I didn’t realize that I missed you
until you came back into my life. How is it that you occupy my thoughts all
day again? I have become consumed. These thoughts are the only ones that
push away, even if just for a little while, all those other memories.
Memories of hospitals and funerals. Why do I feel like I am 18 years old?
Is it because you are the one I couldn’t fix, the one who got away, the one
I wonder what could have been?

Why is it so important to see you, to talk to you, to find out you are still
single. I’m not. I’ve been married, happily, for a long time, to the man
who picked up the pieces and showed me that I could trust a man, that all
men don’t cheat, that there are good men out there. Who has taken care of
me through the good times and now these horrible, awful times. Why do I
still need you? I think it is because you have no tie to what has happened,
you had no loss, the way the rest of us did, maybe you can comfort me
without me watching everything I say and having to worry if I am upsetting
you. Maybe I can grieve with you. I don’t know.

Confession #1510

Oh and I do NOT like cleaning up/taking care of things that you don't have the time or energy to finish. I've told you for 6 FREAKIN' MONTHS ago that the tires on the car needed to be changed (I've kept up on all the other car stuff and 1/2 the oil changes for both of our vehicles). Now that you finally get it done...what happens??? I have to solve the problem that you didn't know WHAT time the store closed and we were too late to pick it up. I had to figure out how you were going to pay them after 'stealing' our car from their lot. You found out that the car had a 'wobble' after they did do the tires. You decided to take some leave to pay them Tuesday morning when they opened and to have them check-it out. Well, you decided you didn't have time to have them check-it that's safe. Nope, you want ME to fix it on Saturday while you take the gas-guzzler on a 4-hour trip each way...and leaving me with no transportation. Oh fun fun. Now I am left telling my boss last minute that I am taking a few hours off this morning to fix what you haven't. Much fun. I hate when you don't follow through with crap. This shouldnt' have been my mess to clean up or look bad for at work. It isn't right. You should have found out what time they closed Saturday, gotten there when they were done, and taken care of this...this sucks. Thanks a lot.

P.s. I swear if you leave a mess in MY car today after driving it, I am going to be a stark-raving lunatic. I'll admit it, but it literally takes you less than 2 hours to make MY vehicle look like a freakin' trash dump. Ugh.


Weekends Off said...

Confessor 1501 - Doctors use the term "pica" to describe craving and chewing substances that have no nutritional value — such as ice, clay, cornstarch and paper. Craving and chewing ice (pagophagia) is often associated with iron deficiency anemia — although it may be associated with other nutritional problems as well. In some individuals, pica is a symptom of emotional problems, such as stress, obsessive-compulsive disorder or a developmental disorder.


Anonymous said...

1509-Did I write that in my sleep? I feel your pain. Please let us know how things are going. I wonder how I'll turn out too.

Anonymous said...

1503 - I can not imagine your pain at losing your fertility. However, I do want to ask that you consider Adopting your next child. That's all.. just consider the idea of giving a child a loving home.. even if they do not share your blood. Blood doesn't make a family. Love does.

However.. If you do choose the IVF treatments.. you have my support and prayers during this hard and trying time. Good luck and God Bless.

Anonymous said...

1501 and 1507 are the reasons I love TWC so much! They remind me that my husband isn't abnormal just because he can be so very weird at times.

Anonymous said...

1501 - I hear ya'. My partner sneezes so loud that it makes my ears ache. Go for the ice pick. He will get the message.

Anonymous said...

1507 here: Gotta love those idiosyncosies (damn I can't spell that word for sheet) along with the good though, right? :)

Anonymous said...

1503, I have never dealt with infertility but your post brought tears to my eyes. I am saying a little prayer that your dream of having a baby with your husband comes true very, very soon.

Anonymous said...

1505 - you didn't know? Seriously? Why not just claim that it was "an accident", as if a woman can accidentally fall out of her clothes and land on a penis. Please. If you could bring yourself to do it you should be woman enough to own it.

Anonymous said...

1503 ~ I am in the beginnings of your shoes. It is wonderful to have a hubby that is so supportive. I wish you the best!! I am just starting clomid and haven't gotten to the IVF stage yet but had to show my support. (actually took my first metformin tonight so I am at the very beginning of this rollercoaster).

Anonymous said...

1504 - I know how you feel.

Dayngr said...

The only way to get your man to take responsibility is to stop picking up the slack. As hard as it is, just don't do it. When he sees that if he doesn't do the things that need to get done, no one else will. He'll get it done! It make take some time but it will happen.

Anonymous said...

4:07 -- Clearly you have never been infertile and you have never tried to adopt.

Why do I say that? Because you present adoption like it's something an infertile woman wouldn't have thought of. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

You also present adoption without any apparent understanding that it's a grueling, years-long, fiendishly expensive, humiliating process during which every aspect of your life is turned inside out and upside down for strangers. At the end of the process, you very likely are left empty-handed.

Meanwhile, children who need homes grow up in foster care or group living because not enough families can make it through the process in time to give the kids a home before the kids turn 18 and are released into the world.

I know you meant well, 4:07, but for God's sake.

Anonymous said...

It seems you assume a few things...maybe BEING adopted would give this person a reason to feel that way. Maybe they have already adopted???
Geesh - think of all the angles before you go and persecute someone's statement.

Anonymous said...

2:12, 4:07 here. Thank you for your lovely comments. I do realize how hard adoption is. How much it costs and how you have to wait years. I also understand that IVF treatments cost a lot, and can take years.

I meant no harm, meant no insult and meant all the good. I hope 1503 find whatever makes her happy. Whether it be a happy loved child of her and her husband's genetic material, or a child who is in need of a loving home.

There was no need to attack me, I did not attack you nor 1503.

Anonymous said...

4:07, 2:12 here. You're welcome! I do think you should thank me genuinely, even though you clearly were being sarcastic, because I have taught you something valuable in a low-cost way.

The valuable thing I have taught you is how badly people react to well-intentioned advice from people who do not understand the impact of their words.

And the fact that my lesson to you was low-cost is also good. What would have happened had you said those hurtful things to someone's face? She could have burst into tears, humiliating you and herself; she could have slapped you; she could have hated you forever. In contrast, all that's happened in cyberspace is, you got your feelings hurt and never have to say who you are. There are no repercussions in your real life. Congratulations!

And yes, I know you did not mean to attack anyone. But when you give advice that hurts so much, the hurt feels like an attack, whether you meant that or not.

So again, congratulations. You've received a valuable lesson. The only thing you have to do to show the universe you're grateful for this information is to remember the small amount of pain my post caused you; that way, you can avoid inflicting huge amounts of pain on someone else.

You're welcome.