So the more I talk to him everyday. The less I want to continue to be with you. I know it will not be perfect, He makes me feel complete and I know he would make me happy. It's selfish on my part because I should think of our children. But it is hard, when i am still, and always be in LOVE with another man, when I married you, I was not in love with you but I have learned to love you but it will never compare to the LOVE that we share.
I started an affair with a married man and have continued it even
after getting busted and making promises to you that it would never
happen again. But now I think I see that I'm not really in love with
him. He needs this more than I do. But I don't know how to find my
way back to you. I feel caught in the middle with no real place to
be. I can't tell him. I can't tell you. No one knows and I am
We've been together for 25 years. I don't know exactly why or how it happened...but we've both changed. I'm not happy anymore 80% of the time when I'm with you. You've become angry, bitter, and controlling. You fly off at the slightest thing. Maybe you've always been that way but I was so young when we met that I didn't see it. I just thought I was in love and you were all I could see. Maybe if I had given myself a chance one of the many times we broke up when you tired of me I might of met someone else. Now married and too many children later , I feel stuck. I feel like I just woke up 3 years ago and realized I love you but I'm not in love with you. There's no passion in our sex life. I don't even want it to be you, I imagine it's someone else. I want to leave but I don't want to disrupt the kids. I go out and wish I could find someone who might spark my interest.....but I don''t. So maybe it's wrong but I'm just hanging on hoping my feelings will change or that once the kids are more grown that someone will find me.
Listen, I've been screwing you for the better half of a year now. In and out of the office, behind your wife and my husbands back. It's ok, i like it, you get what you need and i get what i need. But dont set up a time and place and then not be able to show up. I know your wife and work come first and i know your wife pulls your strings and sh1t happens but i'm sitting here waiting for you to show up so i can get mine. Yes, i could go home and screw my husband but its just not the same. You set this up, not me. So either find the time and put out or i'm just going tohave to find some one to screw, NSA style.
The reason you can't find a new job is not that other people are
stupid or your e-mail isn't working. It's because you apply for jobs
online when you're drunk without really reading the announcements or
editing your application documents. I'm amazed you get called for
interviews at all.
(1673, back again.) I am ready to give you this confession face-to-face, but I don't know when that can happen. I want it here because, even though no one knows who we are, I need other people to know how you make me feel. I love you. I am always enamored. I've felt this way for years now and it's barely wavered; if anything, it's only gotten stronger. "The sun rises and sets with her" -- I could not describe this feeling any better. When I'm with you, my mind and soul feel at peace. I want to see yours at peace. On the rare occasions we've seen each other, all I wanted to do was touch you. Look into your green eyes and tell you all of this while I felt your skin against mine. When we spent the night in each others' arms, I dreamed about telling you this. It was beautiful. I'm so thankful for that night.
I can't say I haven't tried to talk myself out of feeling this way. I even managed to convince myself a time or two, but that never lasted long. You were always under the surface. The one my heart jumps back to. Not a day has gone by where you haven't crossed my mind. I can't deny my feelings, but I've done an OK job at pushing away and accepting that you didn't feel the same. Trying to move on and maybe get another chance at true love along the way. Settling. But now I find out that your feelings are similar! Perhaps they developed more recently, but something tells me it must've always been there for you too. I want to burst with happiness just at the prospect of another chance. We may have fucked it up at first, but that doesn't mean we can't do it the right way now. I hope we both learned from our mistakes.
In trying to remove myself from my intensely private feelings, I realized that it's you who have put yourself out there much more than I have; which may explain why you've also run away more. I need you to know that I'm with you in this. The long haul. I'm not afraid of it, as long as its with you. I may not be your wife, but you are the only one who could convince me to marry again. I wouldn't even need much convincing. But we wouldn't have to. We could just be. Happy. (Please, "fate", don't make us wait another five years!)
Here's a confession...I hate you. I absolutely hate you. We've been married for 3 months and if I wasn't so prideful I would have already divorced you. I am so embarrased, everyone thinks that I am so smart, so wise, so mature...well then why did I end up married to you?
Your family is the most fucked up family that I have ever seen in my life. Your Mom is your father's slave. You Dad has 5 bastard children that live in the house with he and your mother...and oh yeah, the concubine. You are stupid enough to think that your Dad is not having sex with her...you idiot...he's fucking that bitch.
You grab my breasts and toss me around when you are mad at me, you fondle me while I am crying and begging you to stop and you wonder why the thought of sex with you repulses me. I absolutely hate it. I pray for it to be over before it even begins. It is not enjoyable one bit, it is horrible. You hit me, bite me, toss me off beds and flip matresses over on me, and you think that you are completely justified. You are impatient as hell. You are greedy, selfish and dishonest. You lie...you lied to our baptist university to get more money. I hate your church, they lied for you....what kind of church LIES...oh yeah, a church filled with GREEDY BLACK people that place money above serving God....disgusting. Your sister is in seminary and is becoming a preacher, but she has an unsatiable appetite for immoral sexual encounters and has probably had more partners than can be counted on both hands and both feet. I know of at LEAST 10 that she has had in the 2.5 years that I have known her...the football team knows her very well...but she continues to go around preaching the gospel even though she lives in such disgusting sin...live in sin that's ok...it's each person's perogative, but I just don't understand how she gets into the pulpit and PREACHES on Sunday knowing about her disgusting and dangerous sexual addiction.
Your brother is dumb, and inconsiderate, and selfish. His wife thinks that sex is a chore, just like me. He is always buying(well not really, just financing) toys and gadets for himself, digging himself deeper and deeper into debt. People think that his new car is cool, or that his two TV's are nice...but I think he's stupid because he financed it ALL....and if they knew that he was drowning in debt they would think he is stupid too. His boys are growing, but the sad thing is I seriously doubt they will be able to move to a bigger place because of his dumb behind. I never see his wife get anything, but he always has to have the best and newest of everything. He also degrades her sexually in front of others, and makes rude sex jokes that make everyone uncomfortable to the point that they don't' want to be around him. But you look up to him and call him for advice and tell him everything. My advice is...you shouldn't get advice from someone that you don't want to be like...or is that it, you want to be like him?
You degrade me and tell your friends and family private things about us, tell them that you are having a miserable time at my family's Thanksgiving, tell them about our sex life is like and how you are not getting enough ass. And the sad thing is...you are supposed to be Mr. Super Christian. You teach the youth at church, you only listen to Christian music....you coach a football team at a children's home, but while you are teaching them, do you teach them that it is ok to hit your wife because she "antagonized" you(read: antagonizing=disagreeing with you)? Do you tell them to refer to their girlfriend's as "piece's of ass"? No, you give them hypocritical lectures on how they should not date and remain pure...blah blah blah....all the while you are addicted to pornography and compulsively masturbate. You video taped me having sex when I didn't know it and you keep these videos stored on your computer against my will. I have asked you time and time to delete them, and you said that you did, but they always seems to resurface. You fooled around with one of your half siblings, you disgusting jerk.
You buy me gifts that you want. Stupid electronic shit that I don't even like, and you know it. But you buy it for me so that you can have it. It's funny that I never see these gifts after I get them, because you end up using them. A week after we were married you left me at my parents house...abandoned me, all because you could not wait 45 minutes to load the gifts from our wedding into the car following our honeymoon. You wouldn't wait to let me write down who got us what because you wanted to get home...probably because you thought that you deserved more sex. You left and refused to tell me where you were going. Actually, you do this quite often. You went to your sisters house and no doubt told her what a jerk of a wife I am.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You are the world's biggest asshole. One time you pressed on my chest so that I couldn't breathe, then you licked a pillow and held it over my face. You told me that you were crazy so I should not mess with you....but you are a Christian, you work around kids and at Christian sports camps. You think you are hot stuff and that other girls would LOVE to be with you. But...they wouldn't, they would think that your family is crazy, and that sometimes you stink. Especially your balls. Ew.
Your body is seriously out of proportion. You have a mid sized body 5'10, but a HUGE head, huge nose, HUGE lips that are always cracked and dry, HUGE size 16 feet, and CANKLES. You are disgusting. So this is love...lucky me...this is the sex that I waited for my whole life...I would rather clean the toilet...with my tongue...no, but really. I was foolish enough to tell you my deepest darkest secret, I cried because it felt so good to be vulnerable with you, my HUSBAND. Unfortunately for me I was played the fool as that secret was shared with your asshole of a brother less than 2 hours later.
Yet I keep holding on. Probably not for much longer though. I wish I could muster up the courage to just punch you in your face, with all of my might...but I couldn't do that because you are no gentleman and would most definitely beat me, until I was dead.
You really are pushing all my button or maybe I am just looking for a reason to tell you I'm leaving that I am done with this marriage. If I can make it happen I will spend valentines weekend with him. I am so sick of all the things you do, like this weekend you were so drunk that you were being mean for no reason, you were the one who told me to dance with YOUR cousin, I did not offer then you get pissed off at me, come on I might not love you but I would never disrespect you with your own family. Then you say "I'm sorry" like that fixes anything. I'm not some whore off the street, I'm your wife but not for to long.
You are an alcoholic. You are basically a good man when you are not drunk but those moments are few and far between.
You are Jekyll and Hyde, and although I don't really believe in divorce, I think about it all the time lately. You have spun so far out of control, that I am constantly worried and afraid and I feel unsafe, insecure, and resentful.
I would have left you a long time ago if I had the money, although I also constantly worry about the negative effects it will have on my children when we split.
If I die tomorrow I do not feel safe leaving you to take care of my kids. You are 100% irresponsible.
Our financial problems are astronomical. I was forced to be out of work for a couple of months after a surgery, and you just blame me for "single handedly ruining us financially". I am back to work now and doing my best.
I feel like I have way too much weight on my shoulders. Neither one of us have any family or friends nearby and I feel so lonely and desperate.
So, here's the thing: If you would just try parenting your daughters half as much as you try to parent me, we'd likely all feel much more loved and appreciated. And also, stop YELLING all the time. I've learned to tune you out, but the kids haven't acquired that skill yet. Yesterday, after you left, N came up to me, gave me a hug, and said, "Mama, I'm sorry Daddy yelled at you; it's not your fault." And it broke my heart. Because I may have learned how to ignore you, but there's no way that I can ignore that.