As crazy as it sounds, for the past 13 years I have felt somewhat uncomfortable around you. Looking back on it, I now know that we were never soulmates. You have always been angry, defensive, paranoid and negative. For years I thought you were right and I was wrong. I would make friends at "mommy and me" groups and you would tell me not to bring mommy friends home or not to go to their homes because they could be possible kidnappers. "Of course," I would think. How could I let my guard down and befriend a complete stranger? No matter that she had one or more babies of her own and had bloodshot eyes from lack of sleep and wouldn't possibly want or have the energy to kidnap another baby. You made me feel like a bad mother for making friends. Now, I realize that I am not the bad or crazy mother. You are crazy. You have many, many emotional issues leftover from your crappy childhood, and I have run out of patience with them. I love people. I love being social. I love to laugh. I love to think the best of people. You do none of these things. There isn't one thing in your life that I can see that brings you any joy whatsoever. Not your 6-figure salary, your cute home, pretty wife, or not even your two perfect, beautiful boys. One day, when the boys are old enough to be fed up with your negativity too, I will leave. We will all leave, and then you can have the isolation you so desire.
I really thought that after a year of us being apart that I would have moved past you, past hoping that we will get back together but I haven't. I think about you everyday still. I want nothing but you to be happy, and I know that you aren't. I don't understand why you felt so obligated to get back together with her after what she did to you during your marriage. She only wanted you back because you were moving on and she was afraid that the free money would stop. How can you be so blind to not see this?? Everyone else has seen what she is doing to you, doing to your family. You don't speak to your sister anymore because of your girlfriend. Your mother had to choose between being my friend or not because it hurts her feelings. WTF??? After all the pain she has put you through over the past 12 years you still went back.
I don't know honestly if I will ever get over you. You are such a wonderful, caring, honest man who deserves the best. Instead you are working two jobs to support a lazy, unkind, nasty woman who only keeps you around because you make money and give it to her.
I will always love you...even though I have tried to move on.
I am so head over heals in love with you it hurts sometimes. But why is it you never invite me to your house? Why is it you only come to mine? My gut tells me you're not hiding anything, but still, I have to wonder what the hell your reasons are. I've mentioned it to you a couple of times, but your responses were extremely vague and not much help.
This drives me crazy at times. I know I can't say anything more to you, because I know you'll just dig your heels in even further. You're a very private man and perhaps you just need to continue to protect your space for whatever reason. You're a very self-confident man, too, so perhaps you just don't need to include me in all aspects of your life the way I want to include you in mine. I don't know.
So I silently stew about it. Thank goodness I can at least vent here. It helps. At least someone is aware of my frustration.
Today is my 3-year anniversary and I came home from work to find my husband drunk (he was home all day)...yeah me...happy anniversary! You think he could wait until 5:00 pm to start drinking on our anniversary, like most decent drunks. I can't wait to leave him.
Why is it that when I ask you questions like, "why do you have scratches on your back" or "why were you online at a hotel for 4+ hours when we have a computer here, a company laptop & you were supposed to be at work!" You tell me I'm just crazy! You want me to tell you where these scratches came from & that the receipt for your computer time at the Holiday Inn belonged to your friend (yeah, & he convieniently put it in the compartment in your car. And, why is that you are still holding onto your photo albums of your ex-girlfriends, especially "V". You know that I hate her & what she did to you & I've never hated anyone in my life. You told me you'd get rid of them when we 1st got married then I found them when I thought you've been cheating on me. They were hidden under a drawer in your dresser. You told me you'd NEVER get rid of them no matter how much it hurts me. It doesn't seem to bother you at all that having all of the evidence of your past with her is here in OUR HOME. I know she killed your babies even after you told her you'd stay with her but that's why I hate her & I know you'll never get over her. I just wish you'd get it through your damn head that I'm not as stupid as you think I am. If something is going on, just have the balls enough to tell me. It makes no sense to lie in order to save my feelings from the truth. Just be a man & tell me what the hell is going on with you. BTW, if we keep having these dumb ass fights over "well, you're pissed so now I'm pissed." I'm gonna snap & shred all of those pics of your "awesome" exgirlfriend, baby killer.
This is the second time I've left you, you've been completely wonderful to me. Your love for me seems truer than the movies but it was suffocating. Your love for me is so naive and romantic I can't help but feel like I have to revolve my life around it for you. We've never been on the same page...infact we've never been in the same book. All I end up doing is hurt you and the one left crying is always you. I can't do it anymore this is why I left. I'm not the only woman you'll ever love. I know there will be someone who will give you what you are looking for. The only thing that scares me is that you'll never look at another woman. I'm scared that through all that has happened between us you will still simply sit there hoping that I will come back even as a friend. I hope that someday and someday soon that you will open your heart to someone, someone who will make you happier than I ever could. I hope you find happiness *blank* because to me you are amazing.
-always tearfully thinking of you
I wish I had married your brother instead of you. Your inabiilty to groom yourself disgusts me and having sex with you kinda makes me want to vomit. Perhaps this is the result of 7 years of inattention or your inability to recognize what makes me happy compounded into one giant rant, perhaps it's just the truth.
Your inability to find happiness in the smallest things in life (a sunset, the moon, the stars, a breezy summer day, etc.) makes me want to sleep with your artist friend who really appreciates everything intangible about life (even though he's sort of gross). Moments make up our lives and my moments with you are BORING. Why I married you I have no idea...
If we weren't married, we wouldn't be friends as we have nothing in common. Living with you sucks the joy out of my soul.
I dont' want it to be this way. You are a good man but we just aren't good together.
Just wanted to say thank you for providing a safe space for us to let
out all of the bad, sad, mad, mean and crazy thoughts that are in our
heads and hearts. I have sent several confessions in the past two
years (about 3 different men - does that tell you the state of turmoil
in my life?) and the simple act of making the thoughts concrete and
visible and having a safe place to send them, a place where no one
judges and where someone might actually understand, is liberating.
After having written each of my confessions I was able to step back
and look at things more clearly, more realistically. In one case,
confessing helped me end a relationship that I wondered why I stayed
in for 21 years. In a more recent confession, I realized that I was
being whiny and insecure and actually had the power to speak up and
maybe change things. Confessing enabled me to speak up and communicate
with my partner and the situation became a non-situation, just a
little part of couple-hood that needed to be worked out. I know this
doesn't happen for every woman who writes to you but I am hoping that
it happens for others besides myself. By gving us a safe space you are
letting us find our voices and and the power we have. Thank you.
I hate the fact that you still want to see your ex-girlfriend 18 years after you broke up. I don't care if her mom and your mom are friends, I hate the fact that you want me to be friendly with her, too. I married her damn leftovers!!! I have a past too, but I never made you face any of them
Thank you for holding me when I cried this week. I don't need you to fix it, I just need to know that you are there and supporting me. That is worth more to me than roses or gifts or anything else you could do. Listening to me makes you sexy to me, and while I wouldn't say that our sex life ever depends on what you do for me, I can sure as hell tell you that when you listen to me - kiss away my tears and hold me? It makes me want to celebrate you as the man I adore. I just may pull you into a bathroom at your work and show you!