Wednesday, October 29, 2008

True Wife Confessions 7 - Deep Dark Edition

Confession #061

I think I might be in love with another man. I think I might be planning to leave you for him, but not yet.

Confession #062

I want to continue marriage counseling because a week leading up to the appointments, you are usually on your best behavior. When we don't have an upcoming session, you get lazy.

Confession #063

Recently I met a man who I could tell was sort of "into" me. I got the feeling that if I wanted to, I could have had an affair with him. I was very tempted for the first time in our marriage because I'm lonely and have been for years. You pay more attention to your work and on-line poker games than to me.

Confession #064

Just because I grew up in a family of lawyers doesn't mean I'm good at fighting with our builder to fix our leak problems with our house. I know you don't like the sales lady, but we're not dealing with her anymore. You want to fight with them to get them to replace the drywall instead of just patching it, YOU call them. YOU tell them about your allergies when you're not even sure there IS mold from the leak and then YOU argue with them when they play dumb. I can breathe just fine. YOU can deal with their lackadaisical attitude about replacing the drywall versus patching. I'm going to take a nap.

Confession #065

For several months after you proposed, I kept a boyfriend on the side- for the sex. He knew all about you, but I was pretty sure you weren't sincere about the whole getting married thing, so I saw him during the week and you on weekends. I saw him for the last time on the night before I moved in with you.

Confession #066

For a two month span in 2001, I went off my birth control pills without your knowledge or consent. I also poked holes in the condoms with needles.


Confession #067

This morning, when you were pawing me while you thought I was sleeping, I really wasn'’t sleeping. I kept my eyes closed in hopes that you would leave me the hell alone since it had only been FOUR HOURS since I went to bed. Despite what the Letters to Penthouse say, I do not get instantly aroused just because you are pinching my poor, still-sleeping nipples. So when you said those seven words that you must have thought would make me want to instantly have hot porn sex with you, I pretended to wake up confused about what was happening. Because honey, asking "could I get a quickie before work?"” is almost guaranteed to NEVER get you even the teeniest bit of cooperation from me. Asshole.

Confession #068

If I am committing to having sex with you, I expect it to be a mutually satisfying experience. I do not want you to "catch me later", or "owe me one". In fact, the whole "blow job embargo" could be lifted, if only you would abide by this rule of thumb. I don't dislike giving blow jobs, I only pretended to not like it since you were doing such a shitty job from your end....


Confession #069

sometimes you fall into the very descriptive metaphor: You are a gardener who wants to put his tool in the shed before doing any yard work.

Confession #070

After sex, your need to jump up and wash is disturbing. I mean, having some semen on you? Doesn't make you gay. It's YOURS. You've filled me with the shit on more than one occasion. Deal with it.

9 comments:

Meg said...

Hey, these are all repeats from 2006! Where's my new drama?

Anonymous said...

067, 068, 069 ... were you three reading my mind or my journal?

Melissa said...

I think they were reading mine too. wow. nice to know we arent alone.

Anonymous said...

067-68-69 - sounds like we're all married to the same inconsiderate jerk. Bet he thinks he's the sexiest most suave guy on earth too. Pity he's so wrong.

Anonymous said...

o70, dammit so true.
you spoke out mine

Anonymous said...

#70.....my husband does the same thing...its not just his semen though ...he scrubs his hand that he used to touch me with like hes just been playing with monkey shit! it really pisses me off....like i have some sort of disease he doesnt want to catch....but yet he wants me to SWALLOW HIS CUM.....YEA OK!

Anonymous said...

063 - I'm in the same spot. He pays more attention to somethingawful.com than he does me. There's a guy who wants to take me out but I keep telling him no. It sucks because I love the man I'm with but more and more I think he doesn't love me.

Anonymous said...

067... Are we married to the same man?!?!! I want to know when did pinching become foreplay and morning breath become sexy???

Anonymous said...

#70...Im a girl and I do the same thing. It's not like i think he's dirty, but dried up splooge residue and saliva mixed up on my hand wont smell too good 8 hours later when i wake up. Like just cuz my stomach is filled with shit...doesnt mean i like having it on me after i poop. Same thing with sex