Monday, October 06, 2008

True Wife Confessions 269 Hawkmoon

Confession #2681

Our anniversary is coming up.
I am expecting this to be better, WAY BETTER, than last year.
I am not a hard woman to please and you know that.
I want this day to feel as special as it did the day we got married.
I want you to to fuck me hard and play dirty...more than once in a 24 hr period.
I love you with ever ounce of my being.

Confession #2682

We decided the best thing for us right now is to get divorced...I am so upset that you still act like I should do stuff for u and be nice to u...U weren't nice when ur mother kicked me and ur child out...u weren't nice when your mother belittle me in front of u...U say that u want to help me and ur child find a place to live and that u want to give me money to care for ur child, but i think it is a crock of SHIT!!! u couldnt care for us when we were married...u couldn't be the man u say ur going to be...y should I believe u when u make all of these promises to me??u made those promises when we got married and u never fulfilled them...I want so badly to keep a good relationship with u for the sake of our child but u r starting to be a royal pain in my ass!!!I am so sick of u pretending like everything is fine...I AM NOT FINE!!!I AM HURT AND SHOCKED!!!No I don't cry every night and I'm not in total depression, but I am still hurt!! I am so sick of listening to u!!!!Even when we were married I felt like a single mom...I did and still do do everything for our child!!!No wonder she doesn't ask for u every day...She is use to u not being around...Please stop trying to be my husband now, it is too late for that...I am no longer going to give in to u...I am not ur property anymore!!!Don't think that u can come around when ever u want either...U have to decide if u r still going to be in our child's life or not...I am trying so hard to keep strong and not break down...I know I can do this without u because our whole marriage I was doing it with out u!!I think u better get it together!!!Maybe u need to reasserts the situation!!It is over and will never work as long as ur mother is involved and u cant be a real man and take care of us like we deserve...SIGN THE PAPERS ALREADY!!

Confession #2683

Sweetheart, you are wonderful and special in so many ways. You are
gentle, affectionate (greatly so!), playful, attentive and clued into
"me". You help with the dishes, the laundry, the housework. You buy
groceries. You rub my feet and let me put my head in your lap while we
watch TV. You are just about the best thing that's happened to me in
my life. I am very lucky. I just wish we had sex more often. Yes, you
are 15 years older than me (62 to my 47), three years out from a heart
attack and taking medication for high blood pressure. And sometimes
things just don't work they way you want them to. (And yes, you take
Viagra when you need to.....which isn't all the time.) I understand
all that. Sex with you is awesome. Really. It's just that once a week
isn't enough. Yes, I know there are women out there who would be
grateful for even that. But it's not enough for me. You say that if
everything were working you would like to have sex 2-3 times a week.
That's great. I would like that too. Hell, sometimes I would like it
twice a day every day. I know that's unrealistic (but we have managed
it a few times). And I feel so awkward talking about all of this to
you. That's what the real problem is. I feel like I don't have a right
to say anything. I am afraid that you will think I am a sex maniac or
a slut or never satisfied. That's not true. I really do enjoy
sex....especially with you. I just can't talk about it with you so I
cry. I cry if you look at me because I can't tell you what I'm feeling
or thinking or needing. I'm afraid I will hurt your feelings and you
will feel inadequate. So I swallow the problem and I cry and I get
quiet and sort of "remove" myself. And every night we go to bed and I
wish, I hope that you will make love to me. And you don't and I'm
disappointed and I wake up in the morning distant and crying. It's not
good. It's not healthy. And I don't know how to make it different or
better or not hurt so much. I wish I knew how other couples manage
this difference in drives. I wish I knew how they talked about it. I
wish I didn't like sex so much. Maybe there really is something wrong
with me.

Confession #2684

You killed "dinner time" for me. I remember those days, when my dad enforced that we had to be on dining table to get dinner or else we wouldn't get any. It was annoying at first. But in my late teen years I realized the importance of "family time". We still share the same family time whenever we get together. But "we" never had the dinner time. We never had "we" time. You killed it for me. For last 2 years I have had dinner by myself. BY MYSELF. I tried to cope up with you, followed what you said but eventually I give up.

We had arrange marriage so differences in our lifestyle was bound to be there. I am used to having dinner at 7 and you have dinner at 11. Do we have any common ground - NONE. In our initial days, I called you nonstop in office trying to convince you to come home - maybe because I was hungry or maybe because I was lonely. You have long work hours. We never discussed the timings, we just fought over them. There were times, I would call you at 8 and you said you would leave office in 15 mins. I would calculate that by 9 we would have dinner together. At 9.15, i would call you - off course full with anger. I would invariably find you again in office, and you argued that work consumes you, leaving you with no bandwidth for anything else. It was hard for me to believe that someone can get so engrossed in work that they forget about their family. But I guess I started believing in you. In between some of our fights we agreed on -
1. the one who is at home will have the responsibility to call the one who is outside to get the update on timing - as this is what your mom did and you were used to that "routine". However, I didn't agree as in my family - the one who was missing the deadline was suppose to call.
2. I shouldn't wait for you to join me for dinner as you couldn't predict your work.

I don't think i voluntarily agreed to these conditions, but did I had a choice ? Two years later, we are separated. I m not surprised. The husband and wife who don't even have time for each other for dinner - do you think they would have survived bigger conflict ? Ha!



Confession #2685

I can't stand being in the same room as you. Yes, it's gotten that bad and it's never going to get any better. You are too selfish, period. You should've never gotten married and you should never have had kids. I kind of knew what I was getting into when I married you but the poor kids sure didn't ask for you as a parent. Someone who thinks that paying the bills is the only responsibility towards them. Oh, I forgot to throw in the obligatory 30 second conversation you try to have with them, doesn't work and won't in the future. I've told you so many times that they just want to spend time with you, do things with you. You don't have to do some big production, it's not what they want. But, you are too busy with work, the gym, everything else under the sun other than your wife and family. And, no the excuse that you are doing this for all of us is BS. You are doing these things because you want to, not because they benefit the family. You're salaried, newsflash, working 12+ hr days 5 days a week plus working on the weekends doesn't get you more money, no comp time and only gets ridicule from your boss. Nice to know that they appreciate you, huh??

What's really sad is that I really didn't want that much from you. I'm sure that that's part of the problem, that I let you get away with basically giving me nothing (after all, paying the bills is all you think you have to do) and as you got older, you got more selfish, so you gave me even less, which was and still is pathetic. I used to do so much for you, so very much and was very happy to do it, as I loved you. But, the more you showed me that you didn't appreciate what I did, criticized other things that I did, the more you acted like I was a burden in your life and not someone you loved (you don't even act like you like me, much less love me), the less I did for you and the more I concentrated on the kids and myself. It's a pretty sad state of affairs when a wife can tell a husband what they really need (and it not even being that much) and the husband just won't do it. Pretty sad.

What's sad is that I think that you truly believe that your only responsibility to our family is to pay the bills. Well, that's all we need from you. You've shown us that you're not willing to do anything else and while it's sad, you're not missed when we're doing things together. The kids will end up losing, as they do need a dad in their life, even one who's not much of a dad. I guess you fit that bill, as you can't be bothered most of the time to even talk to your kids. The TV and computer are way more important then they are.

I bet you never thought you'd end up like your Dad, did yo? You are turning into your dad and it makes me want to vomit when your voice sounds just like his. You act like him and your mannerisms are like his were. The sad thing, is that your dad was actually a pretty good dad to you until his problems started and that's when it started going downhill. You've NEVER been a good dad and you don't have the problems your dad did. What's your excuse? Oh, I forgot, you're doing this for us. Right....

Signed,

Bitter, Party of One

Confession #2686

If you don’t make up your mind soon, I’m going to have sex with him.

Confession #2687

I've been with you since I was 17 and love you so much. You're my friend but I've violated our friendship, and our vows. I told you that I wasn't being satisfied. I told you I wanted more passion, more sex, more intimacy. My sex drive has shot thru the roof and yours seems to be waning. You're not responding. You're not hearing me. You don't touch me during the day and barely look me in my eyes when I get home from work but you still want that midnight quickie. I understand the stress, the bills, the kids but you can't neglect me like that. I tried to tell you, touch you, hold you but you say "not now, we've gotta do this...", "hold on, wait...", "the kids..." Yeah I can understand putting me off once or twice but every time? Then when we finally get to bed you're sleep? Or you give me 3 minutes of your time? I'm so frustrated. I just want you to desire me, make me feel sexy, look at me like you want to take me right then and there, desire me. Don't let loose so quickly - enjoy the intimacy. I tried to tell you but you didn't respond. You kept pushing me away so I decided I was going to get it from someone else, someone who is the opposite of you. Someone tall, white and athletic. I searched for it and I found it. I had the opportunity and although hesitant, took it. He was amazing. He gave me those same chills that I felt many years ago from you. He did things to me that made me feel desirable again. He acknowledged my beauty. He looked me in the eyes with is beautiful blue eyes and made me feel so sexy. He took control and lasted and didn't climax until I was satisfied. It was unbelievably amazing. But what have I done? I never in a million years would have thought I would do that to you. People idolized us as having the perfect marriage but what's going to happen now? How do I stop? I never meant to hurt you. It was a selfish decision, but why do I want more?? What is wrong with me?? I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. God help me.

Confession #2688

Now the therapist says I need to NOT talk about the effects of your indiscretion on me and our marriage because you wont' hear me and it will only get ugly between us. Well, it is ugly now and I am not the one who went outside the marriage you are and I am not the one who ended up arrested and had huge fines to pay, but I am paying, too. This has cost alot of money, and emotions for us. I can't stand you right now and you just want to get closer. I want to talk about it and I can't because it won't good for you. You know what, here's my big middle finger to you. I can't get the thought of you and someone else out of my head and I am supposed to not talk about it because you have a disorder???? When does it get better? I am tired of the worse and sickness part for our vows. I think I need a break. Oh right, that won't help your recovery. Why??? ruin a good thing? Just once I want to come here with a good thought and post.

Confession #2689

Just under 10 years I have been by your side. I tolerated and forgave you when you would ignore my phone calls for weeks on end - when I was parked outside your house staring at you sitting there ignoring the ringing phone. I loved you and refrained from pressuring you as all my friends got married and had children. I put up with a string of asshole roommates. You lied to me saying I was the only one you have had unprotected sex. All of these things and more were acceptable because you were an amazing man and I treated you like shit.

But, you do this to me... you fuck a whore...twice. You leave the condom wrapper in the trash I empty. You don't wash the sheets and have sex with me on them. You, the one that no one would ever think would cheat.

So, lately I don't want to go anywhere near your family and I don't want you anywhere near mine. Everyone thinks you are so perfect, that I am so lucky to have you, that you are a great man... and I just want to scream. Well, really I want to tell them exactly what you did and let the pieces fall where they may. Their perfect son paying for sex when I am out of town...

So, I keep the condom wrapper in my memory box that I have had since I was 13. It is there to remind me like the dried flowers, cards, newspaper articles remind me of all the other momentous occasions in my life. And I'm back to the gym. After I lose the 30pds if you are still up to this, or if you are still watching porn when I am in the other room I am going to start fucking anyone that looks good to me. Keep it up asshole and this is how the next 50 years are going to go.

And that damn Taylor Swift song keeps playing in my mind it is making it hard to forgive/forget:

YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO
And I should've been there, in the back of your mind

Confession #2690

This relationship with you is clearly the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I have to confess -- I'm terrified that you'll leave if I'm anything less than perfect for you. I try so hard every day, but it's wearing on me big time. I'm not perfect. I need for you to accept me as I am. I can't keep up the false front anymore.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

#2687 - Look here it is plain and simple. You need to tell your husband what you did. If you don't it will tear you apart for the rest of your life. You think you might spare his feelings now but if it comes out latter and by someone else it will only hurt all the more. Believe me honesty is best. Don't do it to make yourself feel better do it because it is the right thing to do. It doesn't mean your marriage is over, I was cheated on but recovered. I love my wife more than ever. And she loves me more than ever because she relizes that I love her for who she is today. She can trust in me to tell me anything. It feels good to trust that much.

Anonymous said...

#2689 - Hell's bells, woman, get out! If you're married, divorce that whoring azzhat; if you're not, pack up and LEAVE! Leave him to his porn and his call girls.

Is hurting him the way he's hurt you worth selling your soul? That's not a life worth living!

Anonymous said...

I read this blog regularly. I'm not married, so it's possible I don't understand. But I find myself wondering why these women don't just LEAVE. Especially when there are no kids involved. If you love them, but you're not getting what you want or need. If they're assholes. LEAVE. He makes you feel fat or ugly or useless. I know it's hard, but LEAVE. That very act will make you feel thinner, prettier, and like you matter. You love him, but you don't "love" him. LEAVE. He deserves someone who loves him. You deserve someone you love. LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE. It's harder than whining. But it's better for both of you.

Anonymous said...

To anon 11:56pm: I've owned many a used car, and with each complained about the sudden big-dollar need for a new this or that due to a breakdown, and how I wish I could fix the door-handle in the right-rear door, or get a paint job to fix the pealing hood. Your advice to LEAVE is like giving the advice to JUST BUY A DIFFERENT CAR or WALK if you hate your car so much. Life is not that simple.

There are social ties, finances, family expectations, overcoming personal issues of self-worth, confidence, and all that occurs before you even get to the unknown risks that will be taken when you leave. The world is full of assholes, grass that look greener until you lie in it, and LEAVE is not always the noble high road you make it out to be--it is often self-interpreted as 'giving up' and having to re-define yourself against who you already thought you were. I'm sure that many more would leave if money was not an issue. Fact is, money is always an issue, as are mutual friends, the good that comes with the bad, and the hope against hope that things can get better. Many times they won't get better, and steps should be made to leave. My point is simply that this can be a lengthy and difficult process, not the movie-style throw your suitcase in the car and drive away solution to happiness you make it out to be.

Anonymous said...

#2689 - I hear you, and agree that you should expose this perfect son, but only after you have made preparations to be self-sufficient and make a clean break. No need to be around to collect shrapnel wounds when that bomb goes off.

However, remember that "He who angers you controls you." Channeling the anger into losing 30 pounds is a good thing. Vengeful whoring, though physically enjoyable, along with never-letting-go resentment is a sure path to self destruction.

Anonymous said...

to #2689,
sorry say but u knew what you were getting before you married him.. u had to "sit" outside his house to watch him ignore your calls and ignore you for weeks on end.. sorry sweety but he does these things to u because he CAN. no other explanation for it.. you put up with it and keep staying with him why shouldnt he go out and cheat and do what he wants if he knows u arent going anywhere and are clearly putting up with it.. you are lieing to yourself when you say oh when i lose 30lbs and then iam going to have sex with other men..honestly sweety DO YOU THINK HE REALLY CARES WHAT U DO.. he does NOT love you.. so go and lose 30lbs when you are single and away from him.. god i hope you dont decide to bring a child in this world in the hopes of making things "better" and hoping he will change because he would have a kid and SHOULD change.. wish u luck but from what you wrote you just dont see it yet sweety... he treats u like shit and always will

Lola said...

To Anonymous who advised "LEAVE", If only it was that simple. But how do you leave when you've made your husband & marriage your whole world? When you've given up your career, haven't been employed in 5 years, have diminishing skills, are over age 50, have NO money of your own (and there's nothing in the joint savings account), you've willingly given up the few friends you had from your single days and now your only friends are friends of the both of you ... LEAVE? With what and to go where? Even if there are no children (or at least no biological ones) it' not that simple. You still need a roof over your head, gas in the car, at least one meal a day. Shelters don't take you in just because you've walked out on a cheater, asshole, jerk (choose one).

Starting over at 20 is one thing, starting over at 50 is quite another matter. And starting over with absolutely NO resources ... well, only a fool would go there.

LEAVE ... such a simple word, yet so loaded with fear and doubt and the great uhnknown. Leaving sounds like such a great solution, until you get real and realize it in itself is just another problem ... and one you'll be facing alone.

Anonymous said...

#2683, buy a vibrator. A really nice and expensive one. It will help take the edge off and keep you from crying.

Anonymous said...

remember that "He who angers you controls you." Channeling the anger into losing 30 pounds is a good thing. Vengeful whoring, though physically enjoyable, along with never-letting-go resentment is a sure path to self destruction.