When the cat jumped onto your lap and landed really hard on your balls, I was secretly thanking her for doing what I have wanted to do for weeks.
I am so in love with you, but you don't love me back. I should just try to forget you and move on, but I can't. I want you. You and only you, forever. I can't even imagine ever being with another man because I love you so much. You are my everything. You are the one I call before I fall asleep and the first person I talk to when I wake up. I know we could have such a wonderful life together. I love just watching you sleep. You don't know this, but whenever you fall asleep when I'm around, I try not to let myself sleep. Because I just want to stay awake to watch you sleeping. I usually put my arm around you and kiss you softly and tell you that I love you. And sometimes I cry. I cry because I want to be able to do that when you are awake, but I can't. The mornings I wake up next to you are the happiest mornings of my life. You are so incredibly sexy and you turn me on so much. I know the sex I had with you was the best I'll ever have. But sometimes, I wish it had never happened because I just want more. Do you know what I would give for you to fuck me again? I want you so bad. And it hurts me so much to see you with that other girl. That girl that you can't possible love. I swear, she is the ugliest human being I have ever seen in my life. I don't know what you see in her. She won't even move to Florida with you! I would move with you in a heartbeat. The day you showed me the engagement ring you want to get her, I thought about killing myself later that night because I don't know what I am going to do without you. I am glad that she lives far away so that you spend all your time with me instead of her. But I hate it when you talk to her on the phone when you're around me. Because I'm in love with you. I'm the one that's always there for you and knows all your secrets. I'm the one that does everything for you and sacrifices for you like crazy. You know all my passwords and have access to my bank account. My bank account that I so freely share with you. My biggest secret is that I really wish she was dead. I want her to be dead so that maybe you'll spend forever with me. I want to spend forever with you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I wish I could just kill her myself sometimes. Please don't decide to marry her. Please. We are so happy when we are together. When you touch me, even the simplest hug or tap on the shoulder, sends chills up my spine. You're all I ever think about. When I tried to have sex with someone else to stop myself from thinking about you, I started crying. Crying because I just wanted it to be you. You are all I'll ever want. The only thing that keeps me going on is convincing myself that one day you will see that we were meant to be together and love me. Love me as passionately and deeply as I love, and always will love you.
So now I'm getting emails from flight attendants telling me what a dog you are on trips. Nice, really nice. It's not enough that I stumble upon your misdeeds myself, now I have to listen to your co-workers snickering about what a fool I am. And what do you say when I show the emails and text messages to you? DENY & DEFLECT like always. God how I wish I'd never gotten myself into the position I'm in today; completely dependent on you for every dollar, and everything else. I've really screwed myself ... and you're out screwing everything else. I hope you're ready for the karma that awaits you, cause you're gonna get a whole Goddamned airplane full Mr. Airline Pilot.
For the past two years I have thought about no other man except you. Sure there have been some men in between but nothing ever lasts and no man has ever made an impression like you have. I haven't seen you or spoken to you in a few months actually. So you would think that by this time I would have gotten over it. The funny thing is that we were never together like that. And I hate not knowing if that was all my fault or if you were never really interested. You had no idea how much I like you or how much I wanted to be with you...I was too scared...scared of my friends knowing...scared that it would all blow up in my face if I showed too much emotion. And now look at where i'm at. I'm here two years later wondering what if... I know you have a girlfriend now. I wonder if your happy or if you ever think about me. I wonder how I would react if I ever saw you with your girlfriend. I'm afraid it might be devastating to me. You actually called me about two weeks ago...i'm not sure where exactly that came from. I asked you to call me some time and you basically disappeared. I want to move on and not think about you. I hope your happy and I just wished I could be happy too...I always think in the back of my mind somehow someway maybe we would end up together. If that opportunity came about I wouldn't let it pass me up.
I'm angry at you for not taking care of your health. You are turning into your father. He was always skeptical of doctors and played the "strong and stoic" role his entire life. He never saw a cardiologist despite everyone's urging. He had already suffered at least one silent heart attack before he finally would admit that he was sick, then had a mini-stroke on the operating table when he was undergoing a bypass for his clogged arteries. He ended up being partially paralyzed and never recovered his health; some months later, he suffered another heart attack that finished him off. Only he didn't die right away. He suffered brain damage, never woke up, and we had to sit around the hospital watching him die.
I AM TERRIFIED THAT YOU WILL END UP LIKE HIM. You are following in his footsteps. I do not want to come home one day and find you dead on the floor. I've asked you again and again to see the doctor. I've made appointments for you and dragged you there, and made you tell the doctor about everything that was bothering you. You didn't want me to come with you the last time around, so of course nothing was done. You suffer from sleep apnea, but don't schedule a sleep study. You continue to be sedentary and stuff yourself with food. You complain about allergies, but never make an appointment to see an allergist. You are susceptible to migraines, but have not discussed this with your doctor. Your health is making you miserable, but you never do a goddamned thing about it unless I make you.
I am tired of being your mommy and dragging you to the doctor. I want you to take responsibility for your health and take better care of yourself. It isn't rocket science. I do it for myself AND the kids; I don't understand why it's so hard for you.
I want our sons to know you as the happy, energetic man I married. I do not want them to have to sit by your bedside in the hospital and watch you fade away into your final slumber. How could you possibly want to put them through that ordeal when it was so painful for you to watch your own father die?
I love you and don't want to lose you before it's time for you to go. And I'm frustrated because you could be happier if you just took better care of your body. And I'm angry at you because I am selfish and want you with me for a long time, but you don't seem to think this is important.
I don't love you. I did once, but you wore me out with your excesses - too much drink, too much smoking, too much sex - never stopping when I asked you to, always wanting more. You kept none of your promises to me, I suspect that you have cheated on me many times, but somehow I don't care. We haven't had sex for years and you don't turn me on. In fact, no one does. Isn't that sad. I don't have love in my life, I don't have sex in my life. My confidence levels are so low that I cannot imagine anyone wanting me - you certainly don't, except to keep a roof over your head.
Yes, I have a great home (which I paid for), a great job (for which I bust my a**) and good friends. I know that you are totally dependent on me, both financially and emotionally and I don't know what you would do if I were to leave you. You'd probably end up in the gutter, and I guess I can't let that happen. But if you were to die tomorrow, it wouldn't be the end of my world. I'd be sad for a while - bad habits die hard - but I'd get over it and move on. Maybe that would give me the space in my head and heart to look for someone else. I just don't want to grow old with you.
Wow, its been over twenty years and still it hurts. I have found out in the last 4 days that I can handle the judgements of people I don't know, but to hear those words come from you, they were devestating. The choices i made over 20 years ago, they are my choices, and I will deal with them when the time comes.
You were my "safe" place, my best friend, my lover, my soulmate.
You've taken away my safe place, my "home". My "home" has always been when you are. We are married to other people, we have both decided that we would handle all the problems that come with that, and so far after over 9 years, we have doen great.
You are the "Husband of my Heart". You always were, even before we made the choices that we are living with now.
The unexpected betrayal that you so carelessly just "threw" out there has changed everything, the way I look at myself, the way I look at you. You so carelessly just abused the trust I had in you.
Someone pinch me. This can't be real. You are back in my life after a long time.
You are not married anymore. It is what I always wanted.
I am the one that is married now.
What am I gonna do?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life last night - missionary style, too! I
can't remember feeling that connected to your body in a while.
I'm sorry you're not a father yet. We'll get there, and you'll be the best ever.
My Dear Love,
Do you love me the way I love you?
Have you ever?
Will the fear of you leaving me again ever really, truly go away?
Will our marriage make it?
Will you ever appreciate me the way I appreciate you?
Do you look at me the way I look at you and I'm just too insecure to realize it?
Are you right when you say we are just "too different"?
Will you ever become what you were before?
If you do, will I finally have the strength to leave you?
Will you ever see me?
Do you and I just don't know?
Will you ever comfort me the way I wish you would?
Is it okay that you don't?
Am I expecting too much?
Will it just take time?
I can wait.
I want to wait.
I love you.
Do we have it better than most?
Should I just be grateful?
But is it okay to want more?
Am I being too much?
Is it really me?
Will you ever be proud of me the way I'm proud of you?
Will I ever be what you want me to be?
Will I ever be what I know I can be?
Will the spotlight on you ever shift over to me?
If it does, will you be able to handle it?
If it does, will I still want you?
I'm scared I won't.
What if I won't?
What will we do?
Will you appreciate me then?
Will you see me then?
Will you tell me everything I've been wanting to hear?
Will you beg for me?
Is it weird that I would want you to?
Will it be too late?
I hope not.
I don't want it to be.
I love you.