The thought of you makes me sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to be happy for the rest of my life when I married your sorry lying ass. What the hell did I get myself into? I can’t believe a damn word you say and I never will. I hope our son doesn’t end up like you. I can’t wait until I can save up enough money, get a better education, and leave you. What satisfaction I will get when you have to go running to your mommy. I will have my cards just right, and you won’t even know what hit you.
So you have ADD. Is this supposed to take away all the pain you have caused because of your behaviors? I don't know what to do. This last endeavor has cost us about ten thousand dollars so far. We don't' have it, and I can't tell you how behind we are on the bills because you will freak out because you can't comprehend the bill concept. You are so smart, so creative and have lots of love, you just drive my CRAZY!!! I am sooo close to leaving, and now the doc says we need to wait and see how the meds work to get this under control. I have no problem with ADD or any other mental illness. Hell both our boys have them, my issue is the pain and the edgy life we have lived together because of this and now am I supposed to just swallow this and move on??? I just want to be. that's all. Nothing more and nothing else. Just be.
So here we are, 5 years after we separated and divorced, living together again, supposedly giving this another shot.
But there are a couple problems here.
One - your drinking problem is getting worse. Yeah, you haven't drank much this week but I know that once you're feeling better, you will buy more beer and finish off a 12 pack in just a few hours. I've tried to talk to you about it before. You got mad, defensive, and tried to turn it around on me. And then went and drank that whole bottle of vodka just to piss me off. Still think you don't have a drinking problem? I wish you would read those links I sent you and see that you meet several of the early warning signs of alcoholism. After last weekend, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I now have your sisters behind me and a couple of your friends. When I kick your ass out, your family will agree with me. The next time I know that you are going to drive after drinking, I'm going to call the cops on you.
Two - You are depressed. You are dealing with issues from your ex-girlfriend, PTSD, and losing your house. I know your life has not been easy over the past few years. Remember, through it all, I was there by your side, and gave up a potentially great relationship because I felt like I still had to take care of you. I was your friend when everyone else was talking shit about you. I held you at night after some of your drunken rants. I told you over and over again that you're a good man and a great father. But one misworded sentence and all of my praise is null and void. You are depressed and won't admit it, won't seek out help, nothing. Instead you tell an old mutual friend that you hate your life and if it wasn't for the kids, you'd kill yourself. Keep in mind, she chats with me too and has told me this a few times. The last time she told me you said that was this week! So what am I? Chopped liver?
Three - You have shown little or no interest in me over the past few weeks. Your midnight, in your sleep, groping was the most you've touched me last night. You don't want to cuddle with me. You don't want to sleep with me. I rarely get kisses or hugs from you. I'm starving for attention. I'm starving for affection from you. I know you don't like my ex-boyfriend. And you've told me in not so many words "him or me." You basically told me that I cannot be friends with him if I expect things between us to go forward. So I shut him out. The only time I talk to him is in class. Even then, he's too busy being followed by that user blonde, I pretty much avoid him. Sometimes he sends me an IM and the majority of the time, it's related to class. He saw me sitting near my car in the parking lot a couple weeks ago and asked me if I was ok. I about broke down and he held me for a few minutes. He gave me that little bit of comfort I wanted so badly from you. Despite still caring about my ex-boyfriend, I still love you and I want affection from you, not him, not anyone else. And don't use my recent surgrey as an excuse. You barely touched me before that and even less now. It was just a tubal! No stitches even!
And four - I know you're lying to me or at least keeping things from me. You signed back up on myspace a week or so ago but have not added any of your friends. You have just one lone chick on there that I don't recognize. I've peeked at your internet history and saw the searches on craigslist for casual encounters and erotic services locally and in the city you will be in for training. I wish I knew your passwords. I want to know if you contacted any of these people.
When the time is right, you're outta here. I know I need your help with the house but know what? I don't deserve your treatment. I will give up my house and move back in with my parents if need to be. You do not realize how much I do for you and how much I am there for you and yet you treat me like this. If you cannot change, I can only change my reaction and I'll be changing it to bitchy and kicking you out. I deserve better than this.
You are my best friend and I will always love you. But for myself, I'll be fucking him this weekend. I need to feel alive, appreciated, sexy, wanted... all the things I haven't felt in so many years. He makes me feel incredible and I can't resist him anymore. You have no idea and will probably never know. It would shock you to your core to find out who I am sleeping with. Never in a million years when you pass him and say hello could you imagine what I've been doing with him right under your nose. You take me for granted everyday and I am completely overwhelmed by my responsibilities. Its not fair. So I am taking a little bit for myself, because you only live once.
I have spent the better part of the past 5 years trying to get us back together. I've cheated on a boyfriend with you. I've called off a wedding for you. Finally, we started spending more time together. Finally you said, there gotta be a reason why we keep coming back together despite everything. You admitted to still caring, still having feelings, but never came out and said that you still love me. I have been very open and honest with you about my feelings. Now we are living together again, mostly because you needed a place to live, but also because you said, "let's see if we can make this work again." I was over the moon happy and was excited to be with you and wanted to make an effort to make it work. I tried my hardest to show you that I care, that I want you, etc. I tried to tell you, show you, and drop hints of how you could make an effort to show me that you wanted this too. You have not done much. Ok, sure, you clean up around the house sometimes. You would buy me my favorite drink sometimes. You take care of my car. But I swear, the cat gets more love from you than I do! The freaking CAT!!
At the last wedding I shot, I got to talking to one of the groomsmen. We knew some of the same people.. When the reception died down and there wasn't a need for me and my camera, we walked the grounds and talked a little. He kept putting his hand on the small of my back, offered me a helping hand to make sure I didn't trip over the stairs when there wasn't much light, and at one point, kept holding onto my hand even though we were on a well-lit sidewalk. Let me tell ya, that attention was so much more than you had given me over the past month. I don't expect you to be all up in my face but damn, I would like it if you came up to me and just gave me a little kiss. Instead I have to ask you for one. I'm starving for attention. I won't cheat on you but damn it.... the thought is there. A guy is paying attention to me. He touched me and none of it was sexual and I felt more attractive and desired in that short hour than I have with you all month. If things don't change between us, I'm kicking you out. I deserve to be loved and desired. And hon, you're not giving me that. Aside from being a roommate that's helping with the mortage, you're not much of anything and it hurts like hell.
You shriek every day and it is so incredibly annoying. You come home looking like a normal guy, and you spend the next two hours shrieking a high-pitched "agh! ack!" and yelling made-up nonsense words. You intermittently make boring small talk. I try to start a real conversation, and when that fails I tune the noise out and focus on a book or a task, figuring "freedom of expression." But instead of appreciating that I don't tell you to stop it, you follow me and say, "You're mad at me. Why are you mad at me? Don't you like those words? Why are you being distant? You're not fun. I wish my wife was fun." I am a really playful person, and sometimes I try to join in with you making nonsense noises. But every single day? It's like you do it to bother me. And when I do get mad, you're still not satisfied, and we end up in a fight. It's fucking ridiculous. I want you to come home and talk to me like an adult about art or our families or work or travel. The gibberish makes my skin crawl, it makes me insane, it makes me dislike you, it makes me not want sex, it makes me question choosing you as a husband. Most of the time I am really really happy with you. But if I tell you this is bothering me, you will likely pout and act wholly rejected and even threaten to end our relationship. I am considering seeing a counselor about it. That's how much it bothers me. Please, fucking shut up. Shut up shut up shut up!
I know I said I didn't have an issue with you playing your video games like your ex did. That was before I learned how cranky they make you.
So last night as I sleep on the couch, after you thoughtlessly decided to wake me up for no good reason, I got to thinking, remembering, and then wondering. What am I doing? Maybe you were right...maybe marriage was a step we shouldn't have taken. Another check mark for you to enter into your "book".
I'm not sure about you but I used to be happy, content, and at least feel beautiful. We used to be attracted to each other and it showed, we used to like each other. We couldn't go to sleep without telling each other goodnight, we couldn't shower alone, we could just sit there and watch a movie and not say a word and it was the most comfortable place in the world.
Now I feel like I've done it again...I've fucked things up and I feel like I'm stuck in a marriage with no closeness, no bond, no comfort. The days of not being able to keep our hands off each other have turned into nothing more than dutiful, passionless, quick, dry kisses. We don't sleep together. We have sex whenever YOU want and I'm left...well wanting something else, someone else..something more, and feeling empty.
I no longer melt when I see you...I still long for you, I still wonder if there's hope...but then I realize that I don't care as much as I should. I wish you would cheat on me...give me an out so that my kids won't hate me. If you did I would never know, I'm to the point I don't care to pay close enough attention to see when or if it happens. I now have a marriage of convenience.
I said my vows...I said I would cherish and honor you, encourage and inspire you...and you haven't held up your end of that deal while I've busted my ass to do my part. I meant every word. My rings feel heavy on my hand, like they're made of hot lead, like they're not supposed to be there. I will stay because the kids are adjusted and I can't do that to them again but I just wanted to say that I'm not happy...and eventually it will show. I know you have seen it...and I know you just don't care.
I told my therapist that I was planning to leave you. The therapist told me that maybe you would change if you knew I was thinking of leaving. What? I asked if in the previous 20 years you hadn't changed - and I had asked for affection, pleaded for foreplay, closeness, togetherness - ANYTHING - what would suddenly make you change now? I haven't kept these things secret from you.
The therapist suggested that they believed everyone could change. I think it may be time for me to get a new therapist, because that is shitty advice.
How do I know it is Love? Because when I say I don't feel good, you inquire as to my pooping.
When I looked horrified that you are asking me about my pooping and confess that "pooping talk" is making me uncomfortable, you respond that you have licked and kissed me in places that no other human has touched. And I that I need to get over the Pooping talk issue. All of this makes me laugh.