Saturday, March 01, 2008

Saturday Sex Chat 2-Fer March 1, 2008


Hi! I am a wife and mother of 2, who is very happy with life in general. My problem is that I almost never want to be intimate with my husband, I am only 22 and my husband is HOTT. Not to mention when we are intimate it is AMAZING. I just never want it. He has to just do it and I eventually get into it. I am so young, I don't understand why I have almost no sex drive. Any suggestions?
I'd like to be happy in all aspects of my like, as well as keep my husband happy. It's not that I don't mentally want to meet his needs, I just really don't have that need myself.


I'd like your readers opinions and input on birth control. I am a woman in my late 30's and need a reliable birth control option. I no longer want to take the Pill, although I did for many years - I just think that at my age I shouldn't be taking hormones. The bottom line is that I am sick of condoms and don't want to get pregnant. Any input?


Anonymous said...

I don't blame you for not wanting to be on the Pill-- Dr's. explain how it works by saying it tricks your body into thinking your pregnant. Not so. It actually is more that it tricks your body into menapaus. Every month. Can you imagine what that does to us hormonally speaking?

I'd ask your GYN about the new IUD.


Anonymous said...

Second: If you have children then maybe you should look into and IUD they put it in and your good for 5 years. Or maybe if your never haveing children or more children you should just have your tubes tied.

Anonymous said...

To the first one: get in touch with your doctor to rule out any medical reasons for this. If that doesn't help, ask for a referral to a sex therapist. In the meantime, start thinking about sex, start thinking about what you'd like to do to him or what you'd like him to do to you.

To the second: if pills and permnant methods are out, talk to your doctor about IUD's.

Kira Lee Flea said...

I think maybe you should remove comment moderation for saturday sex chats. How are we suppose to have a discussion if we have to wait all day for the comments?

Anonymous said...

First: Are you on hormonal birth control? I know that for the first six years of our marriage I was in the same situation that you describe and it was only after I went off the hormones that my sex drive returned.

Second: Try the Paragard iud. It's much easier if you have already had children-- insertion wasn't painful at all. It's also good for 10 years.

Anonymous said...

Second: Talk to your doctor about the IUD w/o hormones.

Anonymous said...

No, kira lee flea, I don't think unmoderating comments for Saturday Sex Chat is a good idea. *Especially* not Saturday Sex Chat! If posters get stupid, mean-spirited, uninformed responses, as they could if comments were unmoderated, it would be a repeat of the whole fiasco we had before.

I was going to list a few of the comments that could be made, but shouldn't, to these two posters, as an illustration, and then I realized Oops That Would Be Bad. :-P So just think about what trolls could say to these two women if they weren't stopped.

I know it's hard to have a conversation when there's an editorial lag, but I think it's better to have an editorial lag than to have a bloodbath.

Kira Lee Flea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I know the IUD works really well for a lot of people but it is not a miracle cure. I've had both kinds. With the paraguard I had spotting and/or actual bleeding EVERY SINGLE DAY for three months until I was convinced it was never going to stop and got it removed. A few months later, after really missing the convenience of it, I had the Mirena put in. With that one, I had no spotting, but I had horrific cramping EVERY SINGLE DAY and had it taken out within a month. I also know 3 women who've had tubal pregnancies with the Mirena, and another who got pregnant after the paraguard perforated her uterus and went wandering around her abdominal cavity. They removed it during her cesarean.

My point is that yes, the IUD can be a fantastic option. But not for everybody, and there are very real downsides and risks for a lot of people that might make the IUD not worth it.

To the person who asked about birth control, if you are married, is your husband willing to have a vasectomy? If not, you could try fertility awareness method (google it if you aren't sure, there is a ton of info out there and several very good books), spermicide, or a diaphragm. Or, you could look into a tubal, but just like an IUD I would do some very serious research first.

Anonymous said...

To the 22 mother of two...that is the problem; you are 22 and a mother of two. Wait until you hit your 30's. You will want sex all day every day!

Anonymous said...

First: How old is your youngest child? It can take up to 2 years for your sex drive to return after having kids. And if you have 2 kids that you have to take care of, then it's understandable for you to be less enthusiastic about sex IMO.

Anonymous said...

Geez, Kira. 737 didn't say anything to offend you, so I don't get why you're so pushed out of shape. I'm anon because I don't have a blogger or google acc't. Not trying to hide a thing.

Anonymous said...

Wow, if I was 22 and had 2 kids I think sex would be the last thing on my mind. Life is not easy for you and it will change. I was 27 before I had my first, had been with my husband for 10 years and it was still hard. It is an adjustment.

#2 - I started Yaz last fall (I'll be 40 this year) - I was on the pill for 20 years and stopped at 37 b/c of BP problems - 18 months later I was so crazy I went to a Dr. - she assured me it was hormones and sent me to my OB/Gyn.
He told me stroking out over hormones would kill me before my blood pressure issues.

Yasim (do you think it chance they rhymed it with Taz?)

Best wishes!

Anonymous said...

Hi Kira Lee. 737 here. My name's Kate. Should I not have used your name in my post? Is that what made it sound tough? Because I wasn't trying to call you out or hide. I just don't have a blogger account and I get tired of always clicking the "Name/URL" button and having to go through a couple of extra steps.

Re hormonal and non-hormonal IUDs: I am so sensitive to hormones that I have absolutely refused to get the hormonal one. But the non-hormonal one works fine for me.

A said...

To anon that said "wait till your 30", well I'll be 32 this year, and I want sex less now than I did when I was 22 and had 3 kids, one of which was a newborn. Don't always believe the hype of women in their 30's going sex crazy.

To the young mother, I say talk with your doctor. Maybe there is something wrong, also if you are on birth control it can kill your sex drive.

For the second lady, I would say talk with an OBGYN about other options and do tons of research and see which one works best for you. Sorry I can't be more help, but my form of birth control was a tubal after my third child so I'm not up to date on what's good in the form of BC.

Kira Lee Flea said...


Anonymous said...

Sorry Lillith, but maybe you were the exception. I got married at 19 and while I loved my husband dearly, I used to hurry to dress so that he wouldn't see me nekkid and want sex! I am now 35, as are most of my friends, and they too agree that their sex drive returned when they hit their 30's. Furthermore, studies have been done which support women hitting their sexual peak in their 30's.

Anonymous said...

I am the person who asked the second question -

I have been nervous about the IUD, although I did investigate it. Much of friends feedback has been similar - cramping, bleeding, etc. My periods are already heavy enough, I am not sure that I want heavier periods with the IUD. I also am suspicious of the fact that it seems to work by giving you a low level copper poisoning to your uterine lining.

And again, I had used the Pill ( and later the Patch) with decent results. However, after having a child and creeping towards 40, I just didn't think it was a good idea to keep myself on hormones.

Has anyone used a diaphragm? That was another option that I was considering. My partner and I are fairly active ( lots of positions) and I worried that the diaphragm would move. With my luck I would get pregnant immediately.

Or anyone used the female condom?

omnia_vincit_amor said...

To number one:
It sounds like you're focused on meeting everyone's needs but your own. You're young, you have two young children... my advice would be to focus on yourself. Research and invest in a vibrator that will be just for you, so you can enjoy yourself if you so desire without having to worry about your husband's needs.

Tune into yourself, give yourself time in the evenings for a bubble bath (have your husband put the kids to bed if he can), just take time for yourself.

Chances are, you're still discovering who you are as a person, as a mother, as a wife, as a woman... so take your time (as much as you can spare from your children) and focus on yourself. Once you know more what you like and want, and once you can remove the pressure of performing for someone else (your husband), you may find that you enjoy it more.

However, you are super busy taking care of everyone... it's totally understandable that you wouldn't have a high sex drive, due to post=partum hormonal effects. Also, the birth control is a BIG damper on a sex drive... but if you've already had 2 kids in quick succession, then perhaps it's worth dealing with a low sex drive-- I'm not implying anything, just saying this from my own perspective.

Regular condom use is a good subsitute for the pill, if used correctly, so if you are on the pill, you might make condoms part of your routine (find ones that really feel good for both of you, and invest in good lube)-- they can really be fun! -- and maybe ease off the birth control once the condom routine is in place.

**shrugs** I'm sure you'll figure out something that works for you... best of luck with your life and your family!! Enjoy.

To number two:

Sure, there are other birth control options for women besides condoms.

But they either involve invasive surgery (tubal ligation) or synthetic hormones (which can lead to cancer and other problems later in life).

My advice would be to find better condoms that what you've used in the past, try textured ones, bumpy ones, ribbed ones, the twisted pleasure from trojan, etc... because aside from asking your partner to get his vas deferens tied off, condoms are the safest way for you as a woman to avoid pregnancy.

That's just my opinion. Enjoy.

Anonymous said...

I used the diaphragm for years and got so many UTIs from it that I eventually had to be on daily antibiotics for over a year to allow the lining of my bladder to regrow properly.

I used the female condom and it crinkled so much I ended up giggling. It sounded like I had a plastic bag stuck down there, which I actually did. :-P

I'm sorry not to give you more positive information about the options you're thinking about. At least the IUD only gives me pain once a month instead of every time we have sex.

It sounds like tube-tying would be a good idea for you. Or a vasectomy for your partner. Is either possibility there a reasonable one?

Anonymous said...

#1 Great idea...lets trade husbands cause mine isnt lookin for sex either lately...hes 10 years older and i want it all the time. *just hit the magicak 30*

Anonymous said...

First - talk to your doc about the birth control you're on. My drive was gone from the time I was 20 until just this year (now 27). I had to get off ALL hormones for it to return. I now have a copper IUD (don't get the new one w/ the low dose of hormones...gotta be hormone free) and it's so nice to feel normal again.

Second - talk to your doc about an IUD. :)

Anonymous said...

I had a tubal four years ago and am so glad I did it- I never have to worry about it again. It was during a c-section so they already had the hood up, so to speak.

I was in my doctor's office and saw an ad for the Essure procedure ( It's a permanant sterilization that your doctor can do in her office, so you might want to check that out.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

You're young, but get your hormones and testosterone levels checked. I'm 39 and haven't had the burning desire to have sex in a looong time. I have to "work" myself up to have sex. That's not right. I'm going in for my pap in 2 mos. and I'm going to get those levels checked. So should you.

Mirena IUD ROCKS as birth control. It lasts for 5 years and after insertion, I had one period and then never another one since. Zero side effects. It's the perfect form of birth control.

Amanda Nellie said...

In regards to question #1, my first thought was to talk to your doctor about what's happening. Are you on any medication? Lots of stuff will kill off your libido. And being tired WILL make your sex drive shrivel up. My suggestion to make you want sex is to have fun and laugh together. I've found laughter to be the best aphrodisiac out there.

About birth control. The sponge is back on the market. There's foam, which now comes in a little strip, like a breath strip. I also second trying different condoms. sells variety packs. Or go to Planned Parenthood and help yourself to some of the condoms in the little basket on the counter.

omnia_vincit_amor said...

After thinking about this a bit, number two, it sounds as though maybe it's your PARTNER who hates condoms... Your inquiry after the female condom, which is much more difficult to use, and which feels much nastier, suggests that of course you don't want to get pregnant--

But it seems as though it is your partner who doesn't want the condoms anymore... You seem to be totally into keeping yourself child-free, which is awesome-- but a male condom is a lot more effective than a female condom.

So it seems like you saying you're "sick of condoms" has more to do with your partner than yourself...

If I'm I wrong about this subtlety, please let me know.

The bottom line about conception is this: it is a helluva lot safer and a helluva lot easier to control the man's fertility. Snipping the vas deferens doesn't affect his hormone levels in the least. Messing with a woman's equipment has the potential to cause more harm to her well-being.

Anonymous said...

First: I'm 22 and in the same situation as you... not sure what the deal is. I have PCOS, and the dr put me on Metformin and she said this should help with sex drive. Let's hope so, otherwise sex therapy is in the making... He wants it all the time but I always feel too lazy, or too... I don't know. It just doesn't do anything for me like it used to.

Second: I just had the ParaGard IUC put in last Friday. I can't have hormonal birth control for a couple reasons, and the first 2 minutes were horrendous pain, and the first 5-6 hours I had horrible horrible cramps (nothing that Ibuprofen 800 can't fix). It's worth it, and it lasts 10 years! My fiance and I too hated condoms... so, this was the next best thing! Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I have the Mirena IUD. This is the BEST birth control ever!! WHY? It absolutely kills all sex drive. DH & I haven't had sex since before I had our 2nd child, over 16 months ago. Honestly, I'm not complaining. LOL.....I'm so exhausted from the mood swings, headaches, memory loss etc that mirena has caused that sex is the last thing on my mind. The mirena had pretty much ruined my life, but the only alternative is getting pregnant or tubal, DH refuses to get fixed. I'm going to talk to my dr about a tubal at my next appointment. GOOD LUCK!!!