i have confessed a few times about you on here. It seems like every time i think that you have changed, you turn around and do something shitty. I told you how your lack of affection makes me feel, and you tell me to deal with it. it is who you are. Well guess what? It's not who i am! I have spent far to much time changing for you, adapting to your weird way of life. It isn't normal to never kiss!!! It isn't normal to not want sex. but its ok if I ride you and do all the work, or blow you, you lazy son of a bitch. I cant take it anymore! I need to kiss! I need affection, I need love, I need reassurance that my guy loves me, finds me sexy, beautiful, cute, ANYTHING! I know that I am pretty, so I know it isn't me. You for some reason think that affection, and attention to the one you love makes you a pussy. You're wrong baby. A REAL man loves his women, physically, verbally, emotionally...they don't just 'think it' like you say you do. So i am basically fed up with it. And I met a man at work today. A sexy, hot, big tall man. He is well traveled, speaks Italian, He's like 6'3, muscular but not freakish like a body builder, he has the most beautiful mocha colored skin that i have ever seen, and the biggest sexiest dimples. I want to kiss his sexy mouth, I want to fuck him. He was giving a presentation today and all I could think about was how much I wanted him to grab me, throw me up against a wall and fuck the shit out of me. I was thinking about all the nasty, dirty, make-me-blush things that I want him to do to me. I know cheating is bad. I know I should break up with you, but the truth is, I do love you. But I am starved for affection. I am torn. I know what I need, but I do love you so much. I have never cheated in my life. Not even a kiss. But after so long, so long of feeling so insecure and un wanted...I am really considering it. I want someone to work to get my love and affection. I want someone to want me to love them. You seem ambivalent. I need passion, not ambivalence.
I hate that the only time you are kind to me is when you are afraid I might leave you. I hate that our marriage has come to this. I waited for you for so very long and there came a day when I just couldn't wait for you to love me - for you to SAY you loved me...for you to KISS me, for you to seem interested in anything I had to say. I emotionally left you two years ago when you got angry at me and grabbed my arm. That one moment killed our marriage. You made me afraid of you and I can't love someone that I have felt afraid of. My fear has kept me here. But it is fading, and I think you can feel that I am not so afraid anymore.
When all of this is done, it won't be because you were cruel (though more and more often you are), it will be because you are thoughtless. It will be because the hamper is two feet from you and your socks are on the floor. It will be because you haven't emptied the trash in ten years. It will be because you never think of me when you're at the store. It will be because you never notice that we are out of milk. It will be because you can not seem to get it through your head that I hate ketchup. It will be because I call your mother.
It will be because I am tired of never have a dry towel, or a hot meal, or the chance to watch a show that only I enjoy. It will be because I am tired of hearing that all women are whores. It will be because you always, always are more concerned with taking your friends with us and seeming like the good-time guy than if I want to go there or do that. It will be because you have stopped caring about being 'nice' because 'nice people are weak'. It will be because you think it is okay to call me names when we fight. It will be because you think all of this is '(my) problem'.
It will be because I am tired.
You are a wonderful husband and an even better father. I truly believe that we are meant to be together. We never fight. You let me have my social life while you stay home with our son. We are the couple that all of our friends strive to be, and so many of them have told us that. However, I do almost all of the cooking and the dishes afterwards. Sometimes I ask you to do the dishes for me, and you agree to but don't do them that night, and possibly not the next day either. You know what that means? That means that when I end up doing them anyway, there are twice as many. It's valentines day and I know I didn't do much for you and our son, and I know that you had a beautiful plan for a gift and it didn't work out, and I also know that you just spent alot of money on something we are doing in a couple weeks, but for gods sake send your wife some flowers!!! Not because it's valentines day, but because I am a full time employee, wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, lover and friend. I deserve some damned flowers!!! So tonight I will be going home and cleaning the dishes in the sink that you told me you would do last night and didn't, just so I can have clean dishes to cook dinner tonight. I really really hope you call me today and suggest that we either go out to dinner, which I would prefer not to do on valentines day what with rushes and crowds, or possibly suggest picking something up for dinner and bringing it home. God bless your soul if i have to do dishes, then cook, then do dishes again on valentines day after not getting any flowers.
I suck. I ruined Valentine's day. I repeatedly stated to you that "all I wanted was a card and flowers." But when you got me a card and flowers. I was pissed. I really wanted more. And you totally would have done more, if I hadn't explicitly stated not to. (I don't know why I did this. I am a girl. It's what I do. Crazy things.) And then I ruined dinner because I was all sorts of pissed off. And then I got home and started crying. You hate seeing me cry. So then you think it's your fault. But it wasn't. And I tried to tell you, but every time I did I cried more. And then you felt even worse. I finally calmed down. Got out my apology and you really believed me, and accepted it. Then you told me that you loved me. And that you are saving money now to buy me a ring. And that made me so happy. I sucked last night and I'm so sorry. I honestly love you and take your time saving money. Cause I don't deserve a ring just yet. But soon. I will be worth all the trouble I promise.
Your sucky girlfriend, but I'll be a better wife.
I went out yesterday and bought your favorite candy and a card that I felt expressed my emotion for you. I also picked up some candy and a card for each of our girls. When you saw the items this morning, you asked me if I picked up some for myself. Excuse me, but that does not cut it, buddy! Why do you continue to ask stupid questions such as that??? I thought it was a nice gesture and recognition of Valentine's Day. Oh well, it wasn't like I expected a gift in return, after all its the thought that counts and I was thinking of you!
Maybe one day you will realize what you are screwing up! After all, I have stood by you for 17 years of marriage. When we got married I told you there were three things that would guarantee a divorce - 1) If you ever cheated on me; 2) If you ever hit me; and 3) If you ever drank to the point of becoming an alcoholic. Guess what, you are an alcoholic. I work everyday and come home. You have something to eat everyday whether you like the food or not and our kids are well cared for. Granted the house may not be spotless, but at least its livable. What do you do everyday? You come in from work and spend the entire evening in your shop drinking and talking to your buddies if they come by....then come into the house at 10:00pm hungry, complaining about the food if its take-out and complaining about the housework. I am NOT your maid. I am NOT your cook. I do these things because I Love You. You can't even stand up straight half the time. Then you ramble on about things I do wrong, the kids do wrong, or the state of the union. You never seem to care about me or kids, only about what we are doing for you!
I love you, but, I hate you. Why can't I accept what I have instead of hoping for things to get better. I wish you would not drink so much. I can get by with an occasional drink (once a month, usually) Why can't you stop the self-destruction because you are starting to destruct the family also.
I want so much more than what we have now. Because of your excessive drinking we no longer have sex as often as you like. At night you are too drunk to keep an erection or you fumble around like a teenager. Then, after sleeping off the drunk you decide that you want to wake me up for sex by dry humping my ass or playing with my breast. Sorry, but being woke up from a deep sleep by that is not the way to get sex from me. I don't mind snuggling and slowly moving to sex, if I am allowed to wake up first. Half the time I pretend to be still asleep. You get mad and pout if you don't get sex when you want it. However, I am expected to spread the legs anytime you want me to, no matter how I feel. By the way, sex is a two way street. It should not be all about you, all the time. Guess what, I fake every orgasm. You don't even know where my clitoris is. You think foreplay is a quick feel before penetration. Sorry! its not all about penetration! And by the way, you say you are watching in the mirror during sex, yeah right!, you are watching TV. Why would you need to see it in the mirror when you can see it right there. I guess you are so vain and caught up in yourself that you need to watch yourself during sex.
I have bitched enough for one day. I hope you can wake up, sober up, and realize what you are losing.....
Today was the perfect Valentine's Day. A friend of mine pointed out that the day has almost lost its meaning, what with all the hype surrounding it. And I didn't realize how right she was until today when it was just about you and I enjoying being together! You pampered me, you showed me you love me, and hopefully you felt and saw how much I love you as well. It was a love holiday, and it was a perfect day. Thank you.
P.S. There are hard times ahead. But you will always be my first priority, and I will always do everything I can to support you in any way you need.
I wrote you very long ago back in March 07 (#1631) and you posted my confession. I was married to a verbally abusive man, was miserable, terrified to try and live on my own and yearned to be with my girlfriend. I got a lot of support and advise from your readers.
I just wanted to let you know that I left that man in May and moved back to St. Louis to be with my girlfriend - we have been living together happily ever since and are house hunting now.
I'm the happiest I've ever been in my adult life.
To my girlfriend: pet you are an incredible, passionate, loving, accepting and tolerant person I have ever have the pleasure of knowing and I hope with each day that passes I prove a little more that you are my everything.
To the person I work with - for the love of god get some new shoes! Who wears open toed sandals with BLACK nylons in the Winter in the snow? And it isn't as if you just wear these horrid shoes every once in a blue moon - No. You wear them EVERY DAMN DAY. Same black open toed sandal wedges and I can only hope those are different black nylons. I am gripped with the urge to wrestle you to the ground, rip these accursed shoes from your feet and set them on fire. You make good money - I know you do, so it isn't as if you are choosing between shoes and a loaf of bread.
And the sweater with the fur ball pom-poms? Not cool for a woman of your age. Not even cool for a woman of any age.
Valentines Day: 11 years ago I stepped out of my 'comfort zone' and gave you a card telling you I liked you. Today you wrapped your arms around me, told me you loved me and gave me a freddo you had saved just for me. I am sooooooo glad I gave you that card :)
I love you darling.