Monday, April 02, 2007

True Wife Confessions 172 bittersweet chocolate drops

Confession #1711

Why is marriage so fucking hard? How can hate this man so much when he's the person I love most in the world? I know that I don't really hate him - I'm just really frustrated because we're fighting right now. But I swear, sometimes I could divorce him and walk away happily. Sometimes I think back to being single, living on my own with just a cat and my books for company. Now I have a husband and two kids from whom I can't escape. 99% of the time, I love them with everything in me, but some days I wish I could just run away.

Confession #1712

I heard through the grapevine that you are engaged to be married. I think I know who to, though I don't know her. And for a split second I thought- that could have been me.

Although I'm glad it's not me, I sometimes think back with rare fondness on the time that we were together. Because although I don't and didn't love you, I do miss you and the times we had together. I think that's an important distinction to make. In the end, I couldn't make myself love you and it was better to leave. You took care of me so well and I know you will take care of her. I hope she will take care of you too.

Do you know, one of the things I miss is looking after you. Not because you needed looking after but just because you were so appreciative of it.

One of the things I am most sad about is that I never got to speak to your parents again. I want to tell them how much I miss them and how thankful I am that for those years we were together they accepted me as part of the family in the hope that I would be one day. I wish I could have been, but I didn't love you. How could I do that to you?

The most traumatic part of breaking up with you was when you asked me, do you love me, and I had to say- I don't even know what that means any more. That, of all things, still makes me cry. Not losing you- because I knew I would have to, but breaking your heart. I still feel guilty about that, and hearing that you have found someone else actually goes a long way towards assuaging that guilt. It makes me feel that perhaps I didn't ruin your life after all.

Do you know, I have no idea why I didn't love you. I don't expect you to ever understand (I still don't), but that's OK. I'm glad that you are going to be married to someone else, and I wish you all happiness.

Confession #1713

I have never told anyone this... my mother is mentally ill and that
is why I cannot have a relationship with her. I begged her for years
to seek help and it just brought more abuse on me. She has major
substance abuse issues and treated me horribly growing up. As an
only child of a single mother, without her I feel alone in this
world, but keeping her in my life would invite terrible things into
our lives and possibly harm our children. It's been six years with
no contact and they have been the most stable of my life. There is a
world of judgement to be placed on me for keeping her shut out, but
every time my daughter shares a moment with me- I think about how as
a child my mother was too fucked up to ever engage me that way. I
know you would understand, but I don't want to share this secret. I
don't want pity and I feel like it would overshadow everything about
me. It's selfish and if there was something I could do to help her
get well, at this point, I am not sure I would do it. I am ashamed
of myself for that also.

Confession #1714

I love you. You have been the best, most constant person in my life for more than ten years. You have been the man that all my girlfriends wish they could find. I've always loved that about you. You are a hard worker and you have integrity, grit and a huge sense of honor. I'm so proud of all your accomplishments at work and school. Your grades impress me tremendously and you are so good at your job. You couldn't be a better father. You can reach our son on a parental level as well as a fun, childlike level. He adores you. We both do.

That's why I'm so mystified at the turn our marriage has taken. Once we became pregnant with our second child you've become more distant to me. So distant that I thought that you were considering being unfaithful or hiding something to do with our finances. I was terrified because I didn't want such a thing to happen to us. I know you are probably stressed, just as I am but I really wish you would talk to me about it instead of withdrawing. Also, you became short with me on the phone and that doesn't usually happen unless we are arguing about something. I was shocked. I want our old relationship back. The one where we teased each other and cuddled and talked all the time and snuggled in bed. You used to kiss and nuzzle me when you left for work. Now you just get up, get dressed and walk out the door. The most I get is "I'm leaving, see you later." I'm not trying to attack you, I just miss the sweetness and love you used to show all the time. Our sex life is still great, and I'm glad for that. I just don't want that to end up being the only affection we share. I want to go back to the random expressions of love and desire that made me feel priceless.

I know we both have a lot to worry about just now, and I know that you are working hard and trying to put our finances in the best position they can be, and I appreciate every bit of effort you put into it. You are a wonderful man, husband, father, and provider.

I just miss you terribly.

Your Loving Wife

Confession #1715

You must not take me seriously. Your friggin out again and not home in the amount of time we agreed upon. I mean seriously we have a 3 month old and you choose time and time again to leave us and go out. You know you ask to go out with your friends to play in those fucking white trash pool tournaments where are you do is lose your ass and drink because your a wanna be. You guilt me into "letting" you go,because if I don't you throw a fit around the house and tell your friends your wife wont "let" you. Honey I don't let you do anything, your a grown man make your own decisions, but mark my word you will deal with the repercussions of me. Then you don't even come home when you say you are going to and might i add you idiot we have this same fucking conversation each fucking week. But apparently you need to get out, and if not you stomp thru the house like a two year old and slam cabinets and mumble under your breath, so of course I say go because honestly its WAY easier when your not here. But for christ sakes, don't you think since I am up at 5am with your son entertaining him, and feeding him and changing him and loving him all day that by the time your stupid ass calls at 11pm that I might want a fucking break. Then you tell me I can either stop bitching or you will turn your phone off and stay out. Are you fucking serious your threating me, like your God, like you have some pull. How would you like me to scrub my ass with your toothbrush or put a little breast milk in your coffee, see I wont threaten you I will just do it.
Take your fucking tantrums, your fucking pool friends, your " only 2 beers" bullshit and shove it up your ass or you will be sorry.

Confession #1716

Every time you feign ignorance about how much I
want another baby, it makes me resent you just a
little bit more. Please stop.

Confession #1717

Sometimes I start feeling sorry for myself with all that I have to deal with regarding my insane family (They put most stories on Jerry Springer to shame.) I wonder how one person could be expected to deal with all of it, and I think that it's not fair--that I don't deserve all of the drama. But one look at you reminds me how grateful I am that we don't always get exactly what we deserve in life--because I could never deserve you. You're wonderful, and I'm going to remember to tell you that more often.

Confession #1718

In the middle of the night last night, I woke up to find us holding hands. You still make me feel safe after all these years.

Confession #1719

Remember that date night recently when we sat at a dimly lit table in the corner at Starbucks after dinner and you stuck your hand up my skirt and we kissed and groped each other until we couldn't stand it anymore? Remember how we left there in a feverish rush to devour each other in our big, wonderful bed? Remember how we made love on and off all night long and into the morning? Then, the next day it was back to the business of taking care of our children and doing things around the house all the while exchanging knowing glances and Cheshire cat grins?

I love date night.

Confession #1720


We’ve had a great sex life in our 6 years of marriage.
But how I ever regret asking with you to share your
deepest fantasies with me last Saturday! You know
that I was always creeped out by the fact that you had
a death mask made of your first beloved wife. Yet I
admired your love for her and that made me fall in
love with you more. But I’m sick that I unleashed
your fantasy of wanting me to wear your wife’s death
mask while we make love. I know you said you never
would have thought of asking otherwise and that you
don’t really expect me to do it. It’s just the
thought that you fantasized about this that I can’t
get past. That’s why I haven’t been able to have you
touch me and I look for any excuse not to have sex. I
hope this fades soon or I don’t know how I’ll ever be
able to enjoy sex with you ever again. I don’t know
what to do.


Anonymous said...

He wants you to have sex wearing a deathmask? I've heard some twisted things, but that gives me the willies. Yuck.

Anonymous said...

What's a death mask?

Anonymous said...

1720: WTF??????????!!!!! Is this for real? Again, I say WTF?????

Anonymous said...

#1720: That's just fucked up. Sounds like your H has some serious, SERIOUS issues. The squick factor on this is off the charts. This is something for a counselor to deal with, not you.

Anonymous said...

#1720 You should be careful what you ask for. I think you and everyone else are overeacting. He misses his ex-wife and sometimes people's fantasies are a little strange, but that's why they are fantasies. The problem woul lie in your husband wanting you to do this EVERY TIME you had sex. It's just a fantasy...get over it...he loves you and he's perfect other wise...right?

Anonymous said...

In addition, he said he didn't expect you to do it, right?

My advice would just be to tell him that wearing the mask would make you uncomfortable, without making him feel like you think he's disgusting. He probably does miss his first wife, (and maybe he views this as a way of getting to have sex/make love with both of the women he has loved?) but if he's there in other ways for you, just let him know this will not be happening and try to move on.

Anonymous said...

Wow, 1720 -- that's straight out of some gothic horror novel!
Talk to him about it. It sounds like some grief counseling may be needed, since he clearly isn't fully done mourning his first wife.
And though his love for her is admirable, it's rapidly veering into something unhealthy that will ruin your marriage.

Anonymous said...

Hi, this is the deathmask wife who made the post. I just wanted to say that if you'd seen every day of our 6 years of marriage you would have thought ours was wonderful. He has seemed so completely normal in every way and was a great dad too.

He'd never asked for anything unusual sexually before - in fact I thought I was always the more kinky one in bed. That's why I asked him to open up about his fantasies because he was always happy to hear and satisfy mine.

At the time, I asked him why he had this fantasy and if its because he misses her. He said he really doesn't know why he fantasizes about this and that it just turns him on to think about it occassionally. At that time he said he only thinks about it once in awhile. I have no reason to believe he ever lied to me before. Nevertheless, I'm still sick over this.

So I confronted him after reading some of your comments. He gave me the same answer as before. So I eventually asked if she was sexier, more loving, and better in bed than me. He stammered and said I was crazy to ask these questions! Who's the one that wants to sleep with his dead wife buddy? I'm the crazy one?

I got mad that he refused to answer and he started crying like a baby saying he never meant to hurt me. Then I left and am writing this from my mom's computer. Fuck, I wish I'd never asked. And because of one question, I'm afraid my marriage is permanently damaged or ruined.

Ladies, don't ever ask the question I did. I can only fear and hope that even decent men have secrets we don't need to hear about. Or am I just fooling myself and he's a sicko who just seems normal? I am heartsick. Counseling is an option I'll explore when I recover my composure.

Should I ask him to destroy the deathmask - (it's in the basement somewhere)? He keeps pics of her too among our photoalbums (along with the kids and other family). I think some of the heirlooms around here might have been hers too. Should I have him get rid of all her stuff? Otherwise, that's all there is of her I can see. He removed her pics from around the house after we got married - except for her pics in the kids rooms which don't bother me (much).

Your advice is most appreciated. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

#1720, I wouldn't ask him to get rid of the deathmask and all of his previous wife's stuff. He may have issues, but he did have to suffer through his wife dying, and I don't think getting rid of her deathmask will remove it from his mind.

I do think, though, that you might want to schedule a few sessions with a therapist to see if your husband has really, truly dealt with his first wife's death. Because it sounds to me as though something is lingering there. Maybe not - but the process itself might make you feel better.

#1713, it takes a lot of strength to do what you did. No one should be allowed to abuse you with impunity, even if she gave birth to you. Perhaps if some of those judgmental people had been around when you really needed someone and had taken the time to nurture and help you, you might be more able to tolerate your mother now. But stick to your guns. Sometimes you do have to cut people out of your life, terrible as it sounds. You owe it to your children to be the best mother you can to them, rather than an ongoing victim of abuse.

Anonymous said...

Dear Wife,
Please except my sincere sadness that you are going thru this rather unique problem. My issue is about how you said "it turns him on to think about it". I kind of, at first, thought maybe he's just missing her (although I must admit, your story never sat well with me)but now I'm afraid he might have some really deep problems. I think he really needs some serious therapy followed by couples counseling. Again, I feel for you, you must be so confused and probably a little frightened. Let us know how you're doing, sister. God Bless.

Anonymous said...

It's 2007... Who the hell gets a Death Mask made? Yes, tell him to get rid of it -- it's not normal ( and now she has proof it's not normal). As far as the other momentos around the house, I'd have a hard time looking at them after his strange request, so I'd suggest he put them in a box and store them in the garage. The pictures will have to stay because of the children. It sounds like he has a necrophiliac thing going on. Investigate this. Good luck to you, Sister.

Anonymous said...

1720 - if you're willing to keep talking to him about it, your marriage doesn't have to be ruined. Just keep the communication going. Maybe some thigns will come out that you don't want to hear/know, but it's better than not knowing.

And I agree that counselling may be in order - for him, and for you both as a couple.

He may have thought he was simply answering your question about fantasies and had no idea it would turn out like this. But that doesn't mean your reaction and your feelings are any less valid.

Just keep talking, and hopefully everything will be resolved one way or another. Good luck to you both.

Anonymous said...

As I reflect on my 6 years with H I can't say he has ever seemed to obsess over his wife but maybe I missed the signs. Every year on her birthday he has a remembrance day with the kids and will usually take them to her parents home. I am always invited but never attend because I feel that is awkward. I have never objected to this desire he has to keep the memory of his first wife alive for their kids. Maybe there's more to it than I know.

There's one other thing that does bother me a bit. He will never take me (or anybody else) to one of the best restaurants in town because that was "their" place and he proposed there and many of their milestones were celebrated there (even including her telling him she was terminal!). But shouldn't he be over it by now? The restaurant doesn't even look the same since remodeling.

Are there any guys commenting out there? I wish the comments were given by sex. I' curious on the male vs female perspective on my plight. I told my best girlfriend today too. She told me she caught her husband fondling their dog's private parts once. Maybe many men are just perverts and we ladies don't realize it's their nature.

As far as answering questions about the deathmask, H had it made by an artist in cooperation with the mortician. He told me it's not that unusual and they were going to use the mold to cast a bronze bust, but he decided on the mask instead when he realized he didn't want to put the bust on display. It's made of translucent acrylic and is actually quite beautiful in its own way. I can't even believe I'm saying that.

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm.. do his former in-laws know about the DM? If so, how do they feel about it? Would they take it, so you and your husband can start trying to work passed this?

My husband has told me of some pretty freaky shit he's done sexually but this one you've described would NOT have flown with me. To me there's a very broad line between freaky/sexy and down right creepy.

Anonymous said...

I could have written 1712. I saw him with his wife and baby and was so happy for him.

I almost became 1713 as well. Sometimes you need to give people another chance though and they'll change.

Anonymous said...

His former inlaws have a duplicate of the deathmask in their study and my husband also gave them her ashes - which are mixed into the plastic. In fact they told me it was originally their idea and they recommended the artist. They also have deathmasks of some other relatives. But they told me once they don't want it done for themselves - unless they had died young and beautiful. So it seems to be a sort of tradition in their family if you don't die too ugly (they're from Lithuania where customs may be different).

However, I don't think I could bring myself to tell them about H's fantasy. They are sweet people and I think it would disturb them like it does me.

H's father is dead but his mom knows about deathmasks. She told me when she first heard about him doing it that she was also creeped out but when she saw how beautiful and tasteful it was she changed her mind. We have a great open relationship. Should I tell her about her son's fantasy? H is not the kind to want people to know about our sex life though. He never liked it when he knew I discussed our sex life with my friends (although up to now I only told them good things). Should I tell her anyway? Maybe she would know if he did weird things as a boy and could shed some light on this. Maybe I should tell her. I'd like a reason so I can begin to forgive him.

Anonymous said...

Dear Deathmask wife:

I am a female. I definitely feel for you in this situation, and can't say that I can imagine exactly what you're going through. However, I, too, have been with a wonderful man for 6 years. I've found out some things that I don't like. Here was my bottom line: If he's wonderful in all these other areas, and is a good husband (in your case, father as well), then does the issue at hand outweight all of that?

I understand this must be frightening to you. But, maybe it is not as big a deal as everyone here is making it. I've never been through losing a spouse to know how I would react, as I'm guessing most posters have not. Don't let other people's opinions push you farther away from your husband. Only you and he count. Seek counseling, and get to the root of the issue. I don't think this has to be a lifelong marital struggle.

I hope that you are able to grow as a couple from this. If he has more healing to do, I hope you can become an integral part of that and be closer than you ever were.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a therapist, but I think it lies in the "still fantasy" realm of sex. I mean, I sometimes fantasize about old boyfriends when my husband and I are having sex - Is that really So VERY far off?

as long as he isn't expressing a desire to have you pretend you are dead (necrophilia)- or that you pretend to be his deceased wife - I think it is just that - a Fantasy.
And even then, I suppose if it was consensual - then really who's business is it?

We all carry old flames around in our heads. And some of us have fantasies that may make other people a little freaked out - especially our spouses. I know I do. If I felt he might understand, I might share some with him, but I don't because I know he would not approve of some of my suggestions/desires.

At least he shared - he must trust and feel comfortable to do that. I say, move on.

Anonymous said...

Dear Deathmask Wife,
After reading your other comments, I would say counseling for him and for both of you is definitely in order. There is nothing wrong with still loving one's deceased spouse, but he crosses the line. If he was still so hung up on his dead wife, he shouldn't have married you. It's not fair to you. You will never be able to compete with a ghost. Moreover, she will always remain young and beautiful, while you will age. Not that you aging and having a long life is bad, mind you! But it's a contrast thing.
If you have a good relationship with his mother, I would get her on board the get H some grief counseling/marriage counseling team. But please don't ask him to destroy the mask or her belongings. He has a right to his memories, as long as he doesn't flaunt them in your face.
Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Boy, I'm a bit torn by the differing advice here.

I have no evidence he's been grieving his wife. I don't know if this is a sign of that or something worse, or less bad. I don't know. She died over 10 years ago. Maybe it's also relevant that he's much older than me (I'm 31, he's 45). Wife #1 was his HS sweetheart.

The 8:14PM post was very consoling to me (thank you to whoever you are). It might also be a bit my fault too. H does a wonderful impression of Harrison Ford who is my all time fav turn on. He went for over two months once at my request pretending to by HF during sex - even when I could tell he was getting tired of it. Maybe he didn't think it was such a big deal after all. He didn't want me to play dead, just his first wife.

So I'm still confused. Maybe it's not so bad and I should do it for him. Maybe I shouldn't be so grossed out but i can't help it right now. But you're right, it'd just be between us.

An old boyfriend of mine who remains a friend is a couples therapist. I'm going to call him tomorrow to see if he can recommend someone to go to for counseling. I can't let this fester.

Anonymous said...

As long as he doesn't flaunt it in her face??? He ASKED her to WEAR it!
Dearest Wife,In my opinion, you SHOULD NOT tell his parents. This is a very disturbing thing, in my opinion, and as I see here, most agree. And his sexual fantasies need never to be brought to their attentions, whatever they are, that's between a husband and wife. I understand talking to your girlfriends about it, I would too, but telling his Mother... no way, very bad idea. Let a therapist try to figure this out, and keep yourself and your heart very safe in the months that follow, your H needs a whole lot of help. I wish I could help you.. let your BFF in on this and let them help you, honey. GL

Anonymous said...

#1713. I was where you were - ready to let her go. I gave her one last chance to stop hurting me or she would never see her grandaughter again. It worked for me, but it so easily could have gone another way. Had she refused, I would have done the same thing and felt no shame. Only gratitude at some stability, finally.

You are an awesome mother to your children. I'm always amazed to see the cycle break.

Anonymous said...

#1715: I was there. Always alone with the baby while my now EX went out with his friends. How's this one - he once came home from work, showered, changed...and went to watch a movies with his FRIEND'S kid while our son threw himself on the ground, crying. And he still went. Not to mention spending his money on alcohol while telling me he had no money for the baby's food, diapers, clothes....

I finally couldn't take it anymore...I left when our son was 18 months old. Oh, he became father of the year when I filed for custody (which I ultimately won). You need to sit down in a non-confrontational way and tell him what you expect FOR YOUR FAMILY to survive. This going out all the time ain't gonna cut it. And if it doesn't change, GET OUT. Better a child COME from a broken home than LIVE in one.

Anonymous said...

death mask wife--

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but please please please don't ruin an otherwise fantastic relationship because your husband shared a somewhat disturbing fantasy with you. The very fact that he was willing to share this with you is a HUGE act of trust on his part. It's a fantasy. Perhaps he shouldn't have shared it with you, asked, and from the sound of it, you pushed him to open up to you. Can you imagine sharing the part of yourself that you are most ashamed of with the person that you trust the most in the whole world, and then have that person turn on you and think you a lesser person because of it?

I'm sorry, but fantasies are things that don't always have logical explanations. It's knowing how to control them and ourselves that matters. It sounds like he has come to terms with his own feelings towards his deceased wife however he had to. I think that was incredibly brave of him to share that part of himself with you, considering what a touchy subject it is and the judgement that it has incurred. I don't think you should ignore the fact that this makes you uncomfortable; maybe some couples counselling could facilitate with breaking down whatever barrier it has built up between you. But try to be a little understanding; this man is the same person who has slept beside you for however many years. The same man who has raised a child (or more?) with you. The wonderful husband, the wonderful father, your FRIEND. The fact that he opened up to you does not change the person he has proven himself to be, it just shows that he is comfortable enough (albeit, perhaps a bit TOO comfortable for your sake) to make himself incredibly vulnerable by sharing this fantasy, which I'm sure he was more than a little embarrassed by.

I understand that this is probably very disturbing to you. However, I would hope that the years of love and tenderness that you two have shared will speak louder than one socially unacceptable fantasy. Also, I really don't think you should force him to get rid of his deceased wife's memorabilia. In my opinion, that is insensitive and doesn't serve a purpose. Your husband clearly loves you and trusts you, hopefully you can use this incident to build a stronger relationship instead of jeopardizing that trust.

Anonymous said...

For the Death Mask Wife,

I admit, it's a tad creepy to want you to wear this thing. I've never even heard of these. But, I agree with the 1:47am poster. He's the same man just that he told you something probably rather personal to him. Does he need grief counseling? Who knows. You say he hasn't displayed any signs of not being over her so only he can answer that. So he won't take you to the restaurant. Big deal. You should respect why he doesn't want to go there. I don't think what he said he fantasized about is something to be making such a big deal over. It's the first time it's been mentioned in the years of your being with him so big deal. Not like he's dancing around with it on himself. I think maybe you should consider some private counseling for yourself if you are having such a tough time getting past it. As for the momentos, he might be saving them for the kids. They did lose their mother. I think you really REALLY need to talk to him about it since it seems to have all been brought to the forefront now. Honestly, I would be way more creeped out by the guy who was fiddling with the dog. Ugh. Good luck to you. I would hate to think that a perfectly happy and wonderful marriage would be ruined over a fantasy. Oh, and I'm a female by the way :)

*Tanyetta* said...

i love this site! the honesty is amazing!!!!!

p.s. death mask? wow. say a prayer that the images/thoughts will disappear from your mind. sounds like your hunny really trusted you or forgot to read the manual on page 124 which clearly states, do not share everything with the one you love. damn! that's a hard pill to swallow. yikes. hope things are better real son!--PRAY!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Tanyetta and others,

Thanks for the prayers. However, I'm an atheist so I don't pray but do meditate. Hubby is a Christian though.

I have an appointment Friday to see a therapist (an old boyfriend from HS). He's doing it for free. I'll keep checking the comments if you want an update. But I assume this will fade from view as more confessions are added.

Thanks to everyone for all your support.

tg said...

Deathmask Wife,

I think you should listen to the folks that are saying to chill out about this. Yeah, it creeps you out, but it is fantasy. And it sounds like your husband has done stuff for you in the fantasy department. No, you don't have to do it, but you do have to appreciate the honesty and vulnerability he was willing to share with you. I agree that the restaurant shouldn't be such a big deal for you. It doesn't mean that he isn't over her. It just means that you weren't first in his life. You can't change that. And by wanting things to be other than they are, you might just lose him. Also, WTF is up with you going to see an old boyfriend as your counselor? That is a serious boundary issue. You should definitely NOT tell this person (or your MIL for that matter) about your husband's fantasies. You want a therapist that is as objective as possible. Someone you already have a relationship outside the therapeutic relationship does NOT fit that bill. The therapist should know that, and honestly, I think him agreeing to see you, and to see you for free, goes seriously against his profession's code of ethics. Good luck with this. Just try to keep it in perspective, and make sure that any counselor you see is culturally competent. That is, you don't want him to be judged by someone who has no experience with the cultural grieving mores that are NORMAL for your husband's culture. Again, good luck.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking what Giselle was saying about the old boyfriend as the counselor - not a good idea. I don't think your husband would be comfortable using him for couple's counseling is probably your ultimate goal.

Personally, I would hate to feel second best, too - we all would. BUT the woman is not coming back. She's in his heart and children for sure. But you are also in his heart and RIGHT THERE with him.

If it's been great up to that moment, I would do my best to let it go. If he's not harping on it, I would not let it overshadow 6 great years and the great future you had planned out.

Unless he gave you other reasons on a continual basis, I would not feel threatened by a deceased woman.

Good luck. And do keep us posted.

Anonymous said...

A lot of people have sick fantasies. I have sick fantasies sometimes but will never act out on them. I think the fact that your husband shared that with you, however sick it may sound, shows that he's really comfortable around you and trusts you. If your relationship with him is good otherwise, just tell him that you're not comfortable wearing the DM and move on. My husband fantasises about S&M. I'm uncomfortable with it but I'm glad he opened up. Don't tell his mom about it because he might never trust you again....

Anonymous said...

Death Mask Wife:

Why did you ask him if the deceased wife was better in bed than you? Why did you force him to start comparing you to his deceased wife?

I understand that you were hurt and shocked, but I can not imagine why you would seriously think about having him remove things from his first marriage out of the home. I can not believe you said it does not bother you (MUCH) for the deceased womans children to have photos of her in their rooms.

I know his telling you about his fantasy is what brought all of this to light, but these are things you had to have been wondering and thinking for a while now.

Its just when I read that, it seemed as though you were leaning towards trying to kill the memory of his first wife, and your step childrens mother, for your own comfort level. To me, that is not fair to these children who have already lost so much, now they are going to lose a memory? When you say they have a rembremence on the anniversary of her death every year, really, what is so wrong with that?

He may need counseling. He may not. But I do think you need some counseling to get past your own issues.

If this comes across as mean, I do apologize. I am not trying to be mean at all. I just saw those references to the children, and it really pickled my cucumber.

Anonymous said...

Dear 1711,
This could have been my confession. Hang in there sister!

Becky said...

1715- I know you are going through hell trying to figure out what to do with this life you have that isn't always as great as you want it to be. i would advise you not to just "get revenge" don't sink to his level. if you want him to be more mature, you have to show him what that means. doing things like putting breast milk in his coffee isn't going to make him see what an ass he is being to you. it's going to make him angrier when he finds out and he'll continue this behavior- and possibly get worse. If you want your relationship to work, you have to show him you are angry and hurt and tell him what it is you need and what you expect from him. he has no idea unless he hears it directly from you.

Anonymous said...

My mouth dropped when I read that you said they were from Lithuanian. My husband is first generation and I am second generation. We are very involved in our heritage.
THIS has nothing to do with them being Lithuanian!! I have never heard of such a thing! I know thousands of Lithuanians. Yes, they do have a habit of taking photographs of the casket, but that is as far as it goes. Death masks are not part of any Lithuanian Custom!

Anonymous said...

1720: hahahahahahahahah!!!!