To my husband:
I'm sorry that you will never have my whole heart. I'm sorry that on the day you proposed to me, I sat in the car on the way home, and regretted saying yes. I'm sorry that on our wedding day when I told you we should wait, that I really meant it. I didn't want to get married, but I didn't see a way out either. I'm sorry that as we left the alter, I didn't feel like my whole life was ahead of me. I'm sorry that my smile was forced and my tears were not tears of joy. I'm sorry that I forgave you when you cheated on me, because maybe, just maybe, I still had a chance with him.
To the one that got away, or rather, the one I pushed away:
I found an old box that had all the letters you had given me. I sat there in disbelief, that at the time, that wasn't good enough for me. That I still was longing for something more. Longing for the unknown. How young and stupid I was. When you called that one time there was a voice in the back of my head that said "here's your chance. take it." In true me fashion, I didn't. I thought I'd moved on. I was so foolish.
So I've sat alone tonight yet again, wondering what happened to you. And I found you. On myspace. When I saw your handsome face and your loving arms wrapped around your beautiful wife, my heart literally sank. When I saw the pictures of your beautiful children, tears rolled down my cheeks. Tears of joy for you because I know you've found what you were looking for, and tears of utter sadness because those loving arms aren't wrapped around me, and those smiling babies aren't ours.
I feel guilty for wanting my ex to go back into the
Army. I think it would do him some good to go back in
since he repeatedly mentions how he misses it and
tells everyone through MySpace that he is and was
proud to be a soldier. Plus I'm getting so sick of
hearing about how screwed up he is now and how life
was perfect while he was in the Army. I want to scream
at him and tell him to go re-enlist. But I don't
because I don't want him to miss out on his children's life.
You are old... I am 28, you are 43 ( 44 on April 29) I love you soo much, but hate that you are soo old. You will be 59 when our son is 18. I hate that you are old and wrinkled. I hate that you have a terrible skin condition, (really bad eczema). Why did I fall in love with a yucky, old man???? I don't know what I would do without you. I love you soo much, (what is wrong with me??? )
I wanted another baby, you got a vasectomy. I hate you for taking advantage of my postpartum depression and getting a vasectomy when our baby was less than 1 year. I guess I don't want a child that has a dad that is 65.
What do I do, I love my man soo much, but he effed me for children because he is kinda old.
TO my son:
I love you with all of my heart. With that being said, I’m sorry too.
I’m sorry you have a father who feels it is perfectly appropriate to watch R-rated movies in front of you. Movies where there’s drug use, loads of cursing, violence and sex scenes. I’m sorry that when I get angry at him, he blows me off and tells me its won’t affect you. And then he turns up the volume so even if we go into another room, we still hear the words like “fuck”, “nigger”, “cunt”, “faggot” and the like. I just pray that these types of words and what you’ve seen on tv at times doesn’t affect you.
I’m sorry that the only time he’s an attentive father is when he’s got an audience – like in restaurants and at family gatherings. I’m sorry he’s such a selfish, lazy piece of shit. If it helps any, he’s like that with everyone. Especially me. In front of others, you’d think he’s the model, loving husband.
I’m sorry that sometimes I yell at you. I’m sorry that I’m not very fun. I’m very aggravated that your father contributes nothing more than a paycheck and treats me like the maid. I’m tired of trying to keep everything together AND be both mother and father. For many years, he begged me to have a child – his child. He had all sorts of plans for the two of you. But what a joke. All of that talk was just a load of crap. Don’t feel bad, he’s sold me on sweet talk too. I bought it hook, line and sinker.
I won’t be leaving him anytime soon. Heck I don’t even feel comfortable leaving you with him for an hour to get groceries on my own. Mainly because I feel like leaving him alone with you is like letting an 6-year-old watch you. (And right now, he’d fight for equal parenting rights but only because it would make him look like a responsible, loving father. But I know that the newness would wear off.) And that would mean you’d spent entire weekends doing nothing but watching tv and r-rated movies, eating junk and occasionally playing outside by yourself for hours at a time unattended. He’s not violent. He’s not a drunk or druggie. He’s not even terribly irresponsible with money. He’s just a selfish, selfish asshole. So for now, I figure leaving him would do more harm than good -- especially if we got divorced. Then I would have no say in the women he’d bring into your life. And I don’t trust him enough to be picky about the kind of people he’d let into your life.
I am doing everything I can to ensure you stay that sweet, gentle soul you are now. If that happens, unfortunately, it will be DESPITE your father. Not as a result of his influence.
Your back has gone out. Yet again. Mine went out a few weeks ago. I believe you told me to “suck it up.” And I did. It was painful but it was “business as usual.” Yet today, you laid in bed all day. And later on, you watched movies. You didn’t lift a finger. But yet when MY back went out, you didn’t hesitate for a moment when your office held a happy hour. So not only was I up and about taking care of our child all day, but I had no relief at night either. And of course, that was when you decided to two TWO happy hours in one week. Thanks a lot asshole.
You don't know how endearing I found it when, after the pet food recall came out, you promptly went to the cabinet - read all the pet food ingredients - threw them all away and promptly went to the "All natural Pet Food Store" and began buying the $1.69 cans of wet food and the $18.00 bag of dry food for the cat that you claim to not even like. You are a sweet man, even when you try to act tough.
You made me feel special, but we could never be together. I tried before to end it, but it hurt too much and I'm selfish. I knew I had to mean it this time. It was the right thing to do for my family. And yours probably, too.
I had this idea in my head that I would still be able to read your blog so that I knew what was going on with you. That made it better to know that you would still "be" there. But you took that away, removed your blog...your email accounts...cut me off from any way of communicating with you. That felt like a slap in the face and made me so ashamed. I felt my face turn hot as it sunk in how much I had either hurt or angered you. Or both.
I never intended to email you today, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't leave it so cold. And then you responded, and I kept emailing back because I knew that it would probably be the last time I ever "spoke" to you, and I wanted those last few times of seeing your name in my inbox.
I cried the whole time we were emailing back and forth. When the clock hit 5:00 and I knew you were gone forever, that either your email accounts would no longer work or you just wouldn't reply, I hid in my bathroom and sobbed.
I miss you. I didn't stop loving you.
I find it ironic that you’ve been nagging me to get a full time job. You DO realize that when I go back to work, you will have to actually start pulling your weight around our house, don’t you? You will have to start actually, oh, I don’t know, BEING A FATHER TO OUR CHILD. You’ll have to clean up after yourself, schedule your own appointments and take turns getting up with our child at night/caring for him when he’s sick. In fact, I think I’ll draw up some sort of contract indicating what your new chores will be just so when you stop doing them after the second week I’m back at work, I have something concrete to throw in your face.
to my lover:
you have awakened a part of me that I thought was long gone. I did not know I could look so beautiful through the eyes of another. Your romance, your sweet notes.. I thought that this could never be real - that it was made up for movies. With every kiss, with every "I love you" at the end of your notes, with every sweet smile as you expect nothing from me in return - you are claiming a part of me that has remained in cold storage.
I have a fantasy…. Someday I hope you come down with cancer. And when you are dying in a hospital bed that’s placed in our living room, and are in agonizing pain and beg me to give you some of the pain meds, I will tell you “in a minute”. Then I will go out for a happy hour or maybe some shopping. I might even stay out all night. Just the thought that maybe someday I can put you through some sort of painful shit due to my own selfishness, keeps me married to you.