Thursday, April 12, 2007

True Wife Confessions 175 Paragraph

Confession #1741

To my husband:
I'm sorry that you will never have my whole heart. I'm sorry that on the day you proposed to me, I sat in the car on the way home, and regretted saying yes. I'm sorry that on our wedding day when I told you we should wait, that I really meant it. I didn't want to get married, but I didn't see a way out either. I'm sorry that as we left the alter, I didn't feel like my whole life was ahead of me. I'm sorry that my smile was forced and my tears were not tears of joy. I'm sorry that I forgave you when you cheated on me, because maybe, just maybe, I still had a chance with him.

To the one that got away, or rather, the one I pushed away:
I found an old box that had all the letters you had given me. I sat there in disbelief, that at the time, that wasn't good enough for me. That I still was longing for something more. Longing for the unknown. How young and stupid I was. When you called that one time there was a voice in the back of my head that said "here's your chance. take it." In true me fashion, I didn't. I thought I'd moved on. I was so foolish.

So I've sat alone tonight yet again, wondering what happened to you. And I found you. On myspace. When I saw your handsome face and your loving arms wrapped around your beautiful wife, my heart literally sank. When I saw the pictures of your beautiful children, tears rolled down my cheeks. Tears of joy for you because I know you've found what you were looking for, and tears of utter sadness because those loving arms aren't wrapped around me, and those smiling babies aren't ours.

Confession #1742

I feel guilty for wanting my ex to go back into the
Army. I think it would do him some good to go back in
since he repeatedly mentions how he misses it and
tells everyone through MySpace that he is and was
proud to be a soldier. Plus I'm getting so sick of
hearing about how screwed up he is now and how life
was perfect while he was in the Army. I want to scream
at him and tell him to go re-enlist. But I don't
because I don't want him to miss out on his children's life.

Confession #1743

You are old... I am 28, you are 43 ( 44 on April 29) I love you soo much, but hate that you are soo old. You will be 59 when our son is 18. I hate that you are old and wrinkled. I hate that you have a terrible skin condition, (really bad eczema). Why did I fall in love with a yucky, old man???? I don't know what I would do without you. I love you soo much, (what is wrong with me??? )

I wanted another baby, you got a vasectomy. I hate you for taking advantage of my postpartum depression and getting a vasectomy when our baby was less than 1 year. I guess I don't want a child that has a dad that is 65.

What do I do, I love my man soo much, but he effed me for children because he is kinda old.

Confession #1744

TO my son:

I love you with all of my heart. With that being said, I’m sorry too.

I’m sorry you have a father who feels it is perfectly appropriate to watch R-rated movies in front of you. Movies where there’s drug use, loads of cursing, violence and sex scenes. I’m sorry that when I get angry at him, he blows me off and tells me its won’t affect you. And then he turns up the volume so even if we go into another room, we still hear the words like “fuck”, “nigger”, “cunt”, “faggot” and the like. I just pray that these types of words and what you’ve seen on tv at times doesn’t affect you.

I’m sorry that the only time he’s an attentive father is when he’s got an audience – like in restaurants and at family gatherings. I’m sorry he’s such a selfish, lazy piece of shit. If it helps any, he’s like that with everyone. Especially me. In front of others, you’d think he’s the model, loving husband.

I’m sorry that sometimes I yell at you. I’m sorry that I’m not very fun. I’m very aggravated that your father contributes nothing more than a paycheck and treats me like the maid. I’m tired of trying to keep everything together AND be both mother and father. For many years, he begged me to have a child – his child. He had all sorts of plans for the two of you. But what a joke. All of that talk was just a load of crap. Don’t feel bad, he’s sold me on sweet talk too. I bought it hook, line and sinker.

I won’t be leaving him anytime soon. Heck I don’t even feel comfortable leaving you with him for an hour to get groceries on my own. Mainly because I feel like leaving him alone with you is like letting an 6-year-old watch you. (And right now, he’d fight for equal parenting rights but only because it would make him look like a responsible, loving father. But I know that the newness would wear off.) And that would mean you’d spent entire weekends doing nothing but watching tv and r-rated movies, eating junk and occasionally playing outside by yourself for hours at a time unattended. He’s not violent. He’s not a drunk or druggie. He’s not even terribly irresponsible with money. He’s just a selfish, selfish asshole. So for now, I figure leaving him would do more harm than good -- especially if we got divorced. Then I would have no say in the women he’d bring into your life. And I don’t trust him enough to be picky about the kind of people he’d let into your life.

I am doing everything I can to ensure you stay that sweet, gentle soul you are now. If that happens, unfortunately, it will be DESPITE your father. Not as a result of his influence.

Confession #1745

Your back has gone out. Yet again. Mine went out a few weeks ago. I believe you told me to “suck it up.” And I did. It was painful but it was “business as usual.” Yet today, you laid in bed all day. And later on, you watched movies. You didn’t lift a finger. But yet when MY back went out, you didn’t hesitate for a moment when your office held a happy hour. So not only was I up and about taking care of our child all day, but I had no relief at night either. And of course, that was when you decided to two TWO happy hours in one week. Thanks a lot asshole.

Confession #1746

You don't know how endearing I found it when, after the pet food recall came out, you promptly went to the cabinet - read all the pet food ingredients - threw them all away and promptly went to the "All natural Pet Food Store" and began buying the $1.69 cans of wet food and the $18.00 bag of dry food for the cat that you claim to not even like. You are a sweet man, even when you try to act tough.

Confession #1747

You made me feel special, but we could never be together. I tried before to end it, but it hurt too much and I'm selfish. I knew I had to mean it this time. It was the right thing to do for my family. And yours probably, too.

I had this idea in my head that I would still be able to read your blog so that I knew what was going on with you. That made it better to know that you would still "be" there. But you took that away, removed your blog...your email accounts...cut me off from any way of communicating with you. That felt like a slap in the face and made me so ashamed. I felt my face turn hot as it sunk in how much I had either hurt or angered you. Or both.

I never intended to email you today, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't leave it so cold. And then you responded, and I kept emailing back because I knew that it would probably be the last time I ever "spoke" to you, and I wanted those last few times of seeing your name in my inbox.

I cried the whole time we were emailing back and forth. When the clock hit 5:00 and I knew you were gone forever, that either your email accounts would no longer work or you just wouldn't reply, I hid in my bathroom and sobbed.

I miss you. I didn't stop loving you.

Confession #1748

I find it ironic that you’ve been nagging me to get a full time job. You DO realize that when I go back to work, you will have to actually start pulling your weight around our house, don’t you? You will have to start actually, oh, I don’t know, BEING A FATHER TO OUR CHILD. You’ll have to clean up after yourself, schedule your own appointments and take turns getting up with our child at night/caring for him when he’s sick. In fact, I think I’ll draw up some sort of contract indicating what your new chores will be just so when you stop doing them after the second week I’m back at work, I have something concrete to throw in your face.

Confession #1749

to my lover:

you have awakened a part of me that I thought was long gone. I did not know I could look so beautiful through the eyes of another. Your romance, your sweet notes.. I thought that this could never be real - that it was made up for movies. With every kiss, with every "I love you" at the end of your notes, with every sweet smile as you expect nothing from me in return - you are claiming a part of me that has remained in cold storage.

Confession #1750

I have a fantasy…. Someday I hope you come down with cancer. And when you are dying in a hospital bed that’s placed in our living room, and are in agonizing pain and beg me to give you some of the pain meds, I will tell you “in a minute”. Then I will go out for a happy hour or maybe some shopping. I might even stay out all night. Just the thought that maybe someday I can put you through some sort of painful shit due to my own selfishness, keeps me married to you.


Anonymous said...

It seems as though 2 confessions were rolled into one on #1742.....

Anonymous said...

1750 - but you won't that's what makes us great, loving, wonderful wives. We think of this wonderful revenge but never have the heart to do it because we love this asses so much.

Anonymous said...

Dear young chicky #1743- Please understand "age" is relative. I will be 55 when my youngest turns 18. Didn't turn out to be the sugar daddy you thought he would be, eh? Maybe you should leave your crusty old man and find some young stud......

Anonymous said...

For #1743 ~ My mother was 60 when I turned 18, and she was more active in my life and my activities than my much younger father.

For #1750 ~ I have similar fantasies daily. I even question if I'd be upset if he'd die today. It's an awful way to feel, but when they treat you like shit constantly, eventually you think thoughts you never have before.

Anonymous said...

#1741 – Ouch. A friend of mine wondered aloud just before going to the alter “I feel like I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.” Heaven only knows why she went through with it. Your marriage sounds much better than hers, so I wish you luck in learning to want what you have instead of having what you want.

#1744 – Print it. Put it in an envelope. Plan some time alone somewhere with your son (dinner, activity, etc). Make sure to leave the envelope somewhere where he will find it on the morning of, or day before, your time together. Don’t feel obligated to explain more than you already have. Just listen.

#1747 – Ouch again, but it had to be done. Kudos for doing the right thing.

Anonymous said...

1742: You didn't say how long it has been that your husband has been out of the Army so I'm assuming that it hasn't been that long. I want you to know that it is often a VERY difficult transition from military to civilian life. He may be a little depressed and feeling like he abandonded his team in some way. Just give him a little bit of a break and try to understand. It will pass hopefully.

1745: My ex husband used his back going out all the time as an excuse for sympathy. I couldn't take it anymore so I divorced him. Every time we would fight, it was a guarantee that the next day his back was out and he would have to stay home from work and lay in bed all day...A FUCKING WATERBED THAT IS.

Anonymous said...

1750 - have you ever watched someone die of cancer? I am an oncology nurse, and the idea that you would wish that kind of death on ANYONE, never mind on your own husband, is absolutely horrific. If he's that bad to you, leave. But to wish what is an excruciating, slow, terrifying, torturous death on someone because they make you mad ... I don't even have words for how sickening that truly is.

Anonymous said...

Oh now, come on anon 2:37. I'm sure when the time came 1750 would not let her husband suffer because as anon 11:07 said that is what makes us great wives. We've all had our sick fantasies out of anger and frustration but the truth is that we love our hubbies and want to punch their guts out at the same time sometimes.

Anonymous said...

#1743 - I feel for you. I really do. But you knew what the age difference was when you went into the relationship. He was never going to get any younger, any closer to your own age. I know at 28 a 15-year difference seems like a lot but it's not insurmountable. The eczema can be treated. Really. And being 59 when your son is 18 isn't terrible either. You will be 44 and a little wiser perhaps. The vasectomy issue would be a big one for me. What concerns me is that you describe him is a "yucky old man". That makes me sad and makes me wonder if you ever loved him. I hope you work it out with him. He sounds like a good guy.....and men truly do get better as they age.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I wish *I* had cancer. So I could get a break from my needy family. I wouldn't wish it on a family member though - more work (physically and emotionally) for me.

Anonymous said...

#1743: Um, you LOVE this man? So what about "for better or for worse?" As someone who dated up a storm just three years ago, let me tell you, the pickins get slimmer the older you get. The guys my age, though financially secure, were a&&hole losers. So I started looking in the older age bracket.

I am 39, and my husband is 58. He'll be almost 70 when our (my) daughter is 18. And who knows if we'll have a child together? But he is full of life, and love and energy...and he does so much more with my little girl than her own father. He is such a great partner and provider. I couldn't have hoped for better.

(And I'm not worried about being left alone to raise another child if he passes...I raised my daughter alone for five years, after all!)

Anonymous said...

1750 - I get it, I really do. But you know what I hope for you? I hope that someday you just let that anger go and tell him to fuck off and go out there and get yourself some happy. That kind of anger eats you up and sucks the life out of you - you deserve a lot more than that.

Anonymous said...

1742 here - It's been nearly 4 years since he got out. We split shortly after. I know it's a difficult transtition and I have tried to be as supportive as I can be as the ex-wife. That's why I feel guilty for sometimes wanting him to just re-up so I wouldn't have to listen to him say how he had it better then. But I keep my mouth shut and I tell him whatever decision he makes, I will support it. I hope he makes it through but until then, I feel guilty for wanting him to either re-up or shut up about it.

Anonymous said...


I understand how you feel. I used to be active duty Air Force. But, I WANTED out. Did he retire? I know retirees have a lot harder transition because it's frightening to them to lose the security. Plus, the job market, it's not so nice to ex-military. Sure, they say they love vets, but we are seen as rigid and too strict. Just keep doing what you are doing. Maybe encourage him to join a vet group or something. Having him home is better than losing him in the desert. I think you know that though. Good luck to you dear!

Becky said...

thank you #1746. i liked your confession.

Anonymous said...

#1746 - that was really lovely. How cute! of course you can't say anything or even pretend you noticed, but it's so cool you did notice and thought enough to share it with us!

Anonymous said...

To Confession #1744, that was me and I chose to leave my lazy fat-ass of a husband because I didn't want my children to grow up thinking that it was the way that married couples were supposed to be. I have a hard road because of being a single mom but I am doing the same things I did when I was with him.

I can understand not wanting to leave him, but if it is what would be best for you and your child, you should do it.

Anonymous said...

1743- I am 39 and my fiance is 61. Who cares about the age difference, I sure don't...

1744- My ex was the same. I did leave him, but we were awarded 50/50 custody. I have to work hard at undoing what happens with their dad.

Anonymous said...

Some of these confessions impress me with their eloquence, honesty, and righteousness.

Some of them make me ashamed to be a woman, because I can see how inscruitable, unreasonable, ditzy, wishy-washy, unselfactualized, vindictive, dishonest, manipulative, passive-aggressive, and selfish so many women are.

I think domestic violence is a terrible thing, but I think some women would benefit greatly from a stiff crack across the mouth.

I'm sure that's true of lots of men, too, but women have always annoyed me more than men. At least most of the time they're pretty honest about their shortcomings, or the writing is on the wall for anyone with half a brain.