Every time you call me a "fucking bitch," I love you a little less. Keep it up and I will show you
what a "fucking
bitch" I can be by taking our daughter and leaving.
We're expecting our second child this summer, and the nesting instinct has hit me really hard the past couple of weeks. Just yesterday I was going through my file cabinet and cedar chest and boy, did I find a lot of old stuff.
I found the picture of my high school boyfriend who was really sweet and treated me like a queen. I found pictures of a couple of guys I had breathless crushes on in college. I found some pictures of my ex-husband. I found logfiles I'd printed out from some guy I had an internet fling with after I got divorced. I found pictures and letters from the guy I dated for five years before you and I got together. It made me start thinking about all those other people I've known.
I know we've had hard times, and I know we've been stressed out. I know that the dynamics have shifted between us as life has thrown new challenges our way. But, my love, finding all those old memories made me realize something. We're perfect for each other. We're soul mates, and I wanted you to know that I know that too. Thank you for this perfect family, and this wonderful life. I love you more than I've ever loved any other man in my whole life.
You are throwing me away and you don't even know it. You continually push me away, and then wonder why I am distant. Because each time you do push me away, I go farther and it takes longer to get back, back to those feelings of closness.
my confession is that I always judged those individuals who chose to cheat rather than leave their spouse. I shouldn't have done that because I am now very close to becoming one of them. I went onto one of those well publicized sites where you can advertise for an affair - I did that because I wanted to see if anyone still wanted me. Sick, I know. But when you have been turned away and pushed away for years you begin to wonder if it is you.
I want and NEED to be desired and needed again. Is it possible to just have an affair? If you don't want me, someone else does - and I need that.
Will it be possible to still live with you and be with another man?
Thank you for agreeing with me that we have the perfect sized family. You are an excellent, devoted father and I would never in a million years deny you a child. Not ever. Still, it's nice to know that family planning is no longer an issue for us. When you said "...we're on the same page" about that and about wanting to be emotionally available for each of our beautiful children, my heart swelled with joy. When you further elaborated on our common parenting beliefs, goals and hopes, in that moment, I fell in love with you all over again. I tend to do that often, you know, because you're just so great. Even when we are not "on the same page." You seem to always say just the right thing and you always mean it. What we have together is so real, lovely and warm. I feel very fortunate to have you in my life. What am I talking about? You and the children ARE my life.
I'm sorry for the spats we've had in the past. I don't care about that table anymore, or the stupid laundry quarters. I hope you forgive me for throwing juice on you after that one really bad fight. I forgive you for stepping on my hand. I deserved it for sticking things in your face. I was just mad that you were sleeping so much and afraid you'd forget about me entirely. But I know you were stressed and I was blowing it way out of proportion. It's really easy to focus on the negative sometimes and forget how lucky we are. I'm just so glad that we can talk things out if we don't see eye-to-eye.
The thing is, it feels so damn good to be with you that if I lost you it'd be like I lost all of my limbs. That's why I pull away sometimes or act like a diva. That's why sometimes when you look into my eyes and I'm the happiest person on the planet, I don't let myself feel it. That's why sometimes when you tell me you love me, I go silent. It's because I'm afraid to experience something so magical that if I lost it I'd never be the same. I'm just a horrible chicken, and a pessimist. But you've helped me restore my faith in myself. You helped me realize that the only sin in life is not trying at all, and that happiness is a series of tiny realizations we put into action by valuing ourselves and being kind.
The truth is, you really are the best lover I've ever had. It's like your bedroom skills mirror your boyfriend skills. Sometimes I wonder if all soul mates have mind-blowing sex, or if we just got doubly-lucky. I know you don't believe me when I tell you that you're the best, and that's probably because you and I both know that your penis is small-ish and crooked. But I don't care! It's cute, and you can make me come any time you want. Nobody ever did that or even came close. And when you put your mouth all over me it is pure Heaven. I'm just grateful I can please you as well.
When you look at me with your sparkling, cerulean eyes and just smile at me, telling me how you feel, there is no greater satisfaction for me than knowing I brought that love into your life. I just wish I could open my heart to you at all times. I promise I'm trying to get there, and I will. I hope and pray that this fear continues to be something that I can manage. I know it hurts you when I pull away. I'm so sorry I made you cry. It kills me. I promise I'll make it up to you, or I'll die with more regret in my soul than anyone who ever lived.
P.S. Thank you 1,000,000 times over for all of your love, support, kindness, acceptance, nurturing, fun, laughter, and absolute joy. You restored my hope in the male gender. I'm so glad I finally gave up on my exes and decided to give you a chance.
I hate you.
I cannot stand to be in your arms or for you to kiss me.
I know I said that I've been nauseous lately so that you won't french kiss me, but the truth is that I don't want your tounge anywhere near me.
The only reason I'm here is because you threatened me with a custody battle if I left with our daughter.
So I am going to stay here unhappily....until 8/12/07...then I am leaving with our daughter while you are at work and you aren't goingI to have a clue where we went.
And you won't come after us because you are finally going to be able to afford that new laptop you've always wanted.
You're getting fat and nasty and I don't want to have sex with you anymore.
Despite having breastfed a baby for about a year, I look EXCELLENT...and you've let yourself go.
Whenever I go out, I get hit on by some attractive men...and I might take up an offer for "coffee" if you don't straighten up.
You're only 20! Why so nasty?
When you ask me "What [I] want for [you] to do..." My answer is always "Nothing, forget about it!"
What I want for you to do is:
1) If you want for me to stay, give me a reason to stay.
2) Stop being mean and cold
3) Stop being indifferent towards everything...your indifference about everything forces me to push you until I get a response.
I hate you.
I loathe you.
You disgust me.
I know we talked about this early on in our relationship and I haven't changed my mind. I don't want children, you don't want children. We mutually decided not to have children and we have both always felt this way. Great, right? We both want the same thing so everything should be fine, right?
But...I had no idea you hated kids. I want to be the best Auntie, Godmother, friend, role model, etc to all the babies that are now entering my life now that my sisters, cousins, and friends are becoming mothers. You despise children. That time you hissed "I hate that sound" when my best friend's niece was crying (and everyone heard you, I was so embarrassed) is branded into my memory. It makes me mad that everytime I want to talk about my Godchild or my neice who will be born any day, you have to make some comment about how much babies and children suck.
OK, I don't think you really hate kids. I think you are doing it just to make sure that I don't change my mind now that I am surrounded by pregnant women and babies. I think you are afraid that if you show the slightest bit of affection to a baby, I will suddenly become a biological-clock driven crazy lady hellbent on producing a child. Honey, it's not going to happen. You KNOW that!
I think part of the reason I have grown kind of distant over the past month is the fact that my best friend has a baby 10 days ago and you haven't even expressed the slightest interest in seeing him. I wish you knew how sexy it is to see a rough & rugged man be gentle and loving with a baby...even if it is not his...especially if it is not his! You are about to be an Uncle. A real honest-to-goodness Uncle. This little girl, my sister's daughter, is going to grow up with a wonderful Auntie but a cold and distant Uncle. That kills me. This little girl deserves all the love we can give her and I swear to God, if you continue with this intense dislike of babies, I will have to seriously reconsider our relationship. Grow up and stop behaving like such a baby yourself!
Remember back in 1998 or 1999 when you bought that T-shirt with the picture of that bikini-clad woman on it? The one that you were so proud of? It said "Man Cannot Live on Beer Alone"? The one you put in the closet and then never could find again right after you bought it?
I took it to a dumpster across down, before you ever got a chance to wear it.
I just couldn't bear the idea of walking around in public with someone who was wearing that stupid shirt.
I do not think I will ever forgive you for what you said last night. I am not trying to substitute anything for my infertility and I know perfectly well that a kitten isn't the same as a baby. And when I turned around, shoved you into a wall and screamed at you... you have no idea how close I was to hitting you. Or that while you walked off and went outside to keep working on one of your "projects" that I packed a bag and sat in my car for thirty minutes. I'm glad I chose not to leave but I will hear those cruel and thoughtless words in my mind every day for the rest of my life. And I will probably never look at you the same way again.
To my loving husband:
I don't know what made me flirt with the guy at work and entertain the idea
of an affair. You are perfect and have never given me reason to want to
stray. Nothing has happened and nothing will. When he gave me a ride home
(aka me playing with fire!) he tried to kiss me. I didn't allow it. I now
know that I am not an affair having type. I love you so much, and I will not
put myself in that situation again.