Monday, April 30, 2007

True Wife Confessions 179 - the Chianti episode on WineTv

Confession #1781

To my Darling....

I'm so sorry things are the way they are. I miss you so very much. I wish you would come home. I know I'm hard to live with and I'm trying to fix things. I just worry that in our time apart you will change your mind of fixing things. You are around all your single drunken friends now and you are joining them in their bad habits. I honestly don't know how you are going to reach your goals being in that situation. I feel as if you are hiding something but I'm not sure if that is because you aren't around and we aren't talking much or if its what is really going on. I miss us and the way the way we used to be. I miss being able to talk about everything all the time. Now we can't talk ever about anything. I call you and I feel like I'm bothering you. What should I do honey? I'm going to give you your space and see what happens. I love you too much to just walk away and give up on our family.

Devoted to you

Confession #1782

I like watching porn but I let my husband believe I'm not into it. I'm afraid if he found out, he'd want to watch it with me all the time and then he'll take fun out of it.

Confession #1783

I'm afraid because my clock hasn't started ticking. I'm afraid I have no maternal extinct and that I'll suck as a mom. But I'm afraid if I waitt to long to start a family, it'll be too late.

Confession #1784

To My Darling Husband,

I made a list of things I wish I hadn't done, I call it: "Should'a, Would'a, Could'a". Topping the list is accepting your sad excuse of a marriage proposal. You remember that don't you? The one prompted by your fear that you would lose your cush gig if I walked out. So instead of loving me back as I loved you, instead of appreciating all I did (and continue to do) for you, instead of recognising that I'm probably the best thing ever to come into your life, you said: "ok, we'll get married". And fool that I was, I hugged and kissed you and accepted that this "proposal" was the best you could manage. There are lots more entries on my list, like I wish I hadn't allowed myself to be conned into getting so deeply involved in your post-divorce drama, I wish I hadn't allowed friendships to fall away because friends didn't get my attraction to you, I wish I hadn't given up my job for you, I wish I hadn't given every freaking red cent I had and anything of value I could sell for you and your wants and needs. I wish, I wish, I wish. Most of all I wish I didn't love you as much as I do, even now, after all yoour lies, all the hurts, all the betrayals, all the self doubt you've created in me. And I wish I didn't want you the way you don't want me. You used to come home from a trip and practically drag me into our bed, now you barely touch me, except to push my head down to your crotch the night before you leave again. I could hazard a guess as to why you no longer want sex with me, but it changes nothing. When you go I'll get out my "toys" and I'll take care of my needs myself. What the hell, it's not like you've ever really tried to please me in bed except when I bring it up and beg you. And I won't be doing that anymore. It's yet another item on my list.

Confession #1785

Sometimes I watch you sleep because you do this cute little thing with your mouth. You like a little fish. I think it's adorable.

Confession #1786

I am confessing for my husband... he smells his balls ALLTHE TIME!!!
I thinks it's absolutely foul. When he comes home from the gym or a
long bike ride, it's like a smell fest for him. He doesn't even try
to hide it.

Confession #1787

I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile at me - and you smile at me all the time. I love the way you tell me that I am beautiful and the sexiest woman you have ever known. I can not tell you how much I am in love with you, but I try.

Confession #1788

Why am I still here ? How much more can I take ? You have beat me down to the bottom, to where I have lost my idenity. You are a gutless, no balls bastard. I mean every word I say to you --- You are not a man.. you can't stand up to your own asshole of a father who berates you and always makes you feel like you can't do anything right... hmmmmmmmm wonder where you get those ways.. I am sick of your shit.. I am sick of tempers flaring, your no respect for me or how I feel. I bow down your your every fucking need.. what do I get from you ??? The other night -- when I left here.. I was gone.. I was through. I wish I had not come back... but you know I always do. Always saying -- oh its my fault.. yeah it's my fault you almost ripped me bald that night.... it's my fault for the bruising.. my fault that half the doors in our house have holes.. my fault our daughter shuts herself up in her room and prefers not to talk to us.. all my fucking fault -- huh..? You know.. we started going to church --- thinking this was the good right thing to do.. I am sitting there thinking-- how many other women are feeling like I do.. thinking--- if they only knew. Whatever.. I know I have tried my hardest.. I PROMISE you the next time you lay your fucking hands on me again..it will be the last.. cause i will pack up with my daughter and leave your ass... and then you can figure out who's fault it was.

Confession #1789

I know everyone farts but you are disgusting. I hate the way you wait for my reaction or try to make gag. The other night I was horny for you. When you walked into our bedroom, I was ready to pounce on you. You farted so loud and it so gross all desire for sex was lost.

Confession #1790

Cold Hard Facts

1.You make it a point to not include me in most every area of your life. *fuckin dumbass*

2.Your family is on a pedestal (in which most don’t deserve) and I am expected to treat them as such, though I do not get the same respect back.

3.You talk down and degrade me.

4.You purposely push me to the point of tears for your own satisfaction.

5.You’ve tried to manipulate me for all these years into believing that I am the problem.

6.You almost succeeded.

7.Everyone, everyone, in your life comes before me. everyone. *and f- u I don’t care if you agree*

8.You make it a point to degrade and disrespect me in front of your family whenever possible.

9.You allow your family to do the same. *Be sure to ask about this one so I can tell you of all the shit I hear your mother and sister talking when you are on the phone with them thinking I can’t hear, while you laugh it all, in enjoyment- dumb bastard.*

10.I’ve gotten to the point where I pray on a daily for God to not let me have these insignificant feelings inside caused my you.

11.I work hard to do things to make you happy.

12.I think about spending time with you often, but hate to be around you.

13.I can never quite find the correct words to express how you make me feel, and how much 14.)I’ve grown to be absolutely disgusted with you with how you treat me.

15.)I’m done with being treated as your footstool.

16.)I don’t care about your complaints anymore.

17.)I don’t care if you don’t like my attitude.

18.)I think you’re a piece of shit!!!!!!

19.)Sometimes I wish I didn’t love you.

20.) I’m done fighting for this relationship

21.) I hate your family and their judgmental ways!!!!!!!!!!!! If they were only a tenth of the person I am…

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

#1786 -

UGH!!! I almost puked-- your hubby might be a fag, especially since he loves the smell of sweaty balls. Gross!!

Anonymous said...

1788

Why are you waiting for "the next time", that you know is coming, to leave???????????

He's already done the damage and is continuing to damage you and your child. I honestly don't get the going back part, that actually is ticking me off. My mother did that and I still haven't forgiven her. Leave already! Be done with the emotional and physical abuse and blackmail.

You need to grow up and realize he is NEVER going to change and that your strong enough to do all the changing for the benefit of you and YOUR daughter.

Anonymous said...

1788: I'm sorry about your situation, but you have a child, so it's not about you anymore. Ditch that shit-stain of a man and get your daughter into counseling ASAP, unless you want her to find a mate who will yank her around by the hair, too. And don't try to kid yourself into thinking she'll somehow magically make healthy decisions after the role models she's witnessing.

Anonymous said...

then fucking leave him you dumb shit. stop being a willy nilly self pitying loser and start a new life, one that you like. stop bitching about it and do something. you are worthless.

~Ellen said...

Anonymous 1:30 AM-- to tell someone they are worth less is remarkable. Must be nice to have everything perfect in your life. Your opinion just showed your lack of class and human compassion.

This woman came here as a safe zone to express her feelings! She has a child and responsibilities. I pray she will find the courage and help she needs to get her life back and be safe.

1788, please don't wait too long. Life is fragile.......

Anonymous said...

1:33 -- Lighten the fuck up, Francis. Or lay off the meth. Your little tantrum is counterproductive.

S.Elizabeth said...

#1788
You have to go. You can't keep your child in a situation like that. I didn't have a child and it took me while to be strong. But enough was enough.It won't be esay, but I am telling you, YOU will feel FREE.
Good luck.

Anonymous said...

1785- so cute.

Anonymous said...

1788:

Oh God, honey, there will BE A NEXT TIME. Guarantee that. Go now. Why wait? If you think he will "change" after all this time, you are soooooooo wrong. The only thing that will change is that you MIGHT be dead next time. Don't torture your child anymore by letting her see this behavior. She needs to have a strong mother as a role model and all you are doing is setting her up to have relationships like yours. LEAVE!!!


1:33 anonymous: Fuck off. You are the worthless one.

taters22102 said...

Was in your shoes about 11 years ago. Last straw was when the spouse started screaming at me for some real/imagined fault of mine. Our son, standing in front & watching TV & eating corn niblets while his dad was screaming @ the top of his lungs, calling me every foul name possible. So used to his dad's shouting @ his mom, he didn't even react. He was only 2 years old. Leave NOW w/your child.

taters22102 said...

More: I've been a family law atty for last 17 years. These men DO NOT CHANGE. Ever. Make a plan: if finances are an issue, start socking some cash away in an account in YOUR OWN NAME ONLY, & figure out how to provide support for you & daughter in the future; keep a diary of events b/c you'd be amazed how much you can forget when dust settles & for court. More info if asked. Good luck 2 U.

Anonymous said...

I think 1790 may be my ex-husband's live-in girlfriend. If it's not, it will be in a year or two. Three years ago I could have written that word for word.

Ottoette said...

Confession #1783
(snip) I'm afraid I have no maternal extinct (snip) if I wait to long to start a family, it'll be too late.
Just wanted to say if you're feeling this way, you probably are starting to feel the clock. If you've always imagined yourself as a mom, you might really want to try it. Don't let the medical community's 35 deadline frighten you - there are more women than ever (since the birth control revolution, before then they had no choice) having families after 35 and well into their 40's. I wavered for a couple years, but knew that I did want it, and had my 1st at 41, totally naturally, and my 2nd is due next month at 44, also totally naturally. I have occasional regrets based on what OTHER people think and say and what my kids may think in 10 or 20 years - NEVER regrets based on my feelings. I LOVE motherhood and I am SO MUCH BETTER at it than I would have been at 24 or even 34 years old.

Anonymous said...

re: # 1847
All I want is to worship you and make your life what you've always wanted it to be. You deserve it now, as you always have.