Why is marriage so fucking hard? How can hate this man so much when he's the person I love most in the world? I know that I don't really hate him - I'm just really frustrated because we're fighting right now. But I swear, sometimes I could divorce him and walk away happily. Sometimes I think back to being single, living on my own with just a cat and my books for company. Now I have a husband and two kids from whom I can't escape. 99% of the time, I love them with everything in me, but some days I wish I could just run away.
I heard through the grapevine that you are engaged to be married. I think I know who to, though I don't know her. And for a split second I thought- that could have been me.
Although I'm glad it's not me, I sometimes think back with rare fondness on the time that we were together. Because although I don't and didn't love you, I do miss you and the times we had together. I think that's an important distinction to make. In the end, I couldn't make myself love you and it was better to leave. You took care of me so well and I know you will take care of her. I hope she will take care of you too.
Do you know, one of the things I miss is looking after you. Not because you needed looking after but just because you were so appreciative of it.
One of the things I am most sad about is that I never got to speak to your parents again. I want to tell them how much I miss them and how thankful I am that for those years we were together they accepted me as part of the family in the hope that I would be one day. I wish I could have been, but I didn't love you. How could I do that to you?
The most traumatic part of breaking up with you was when you asked me, do you love me, and I had to say- I don't even know what that means any more. That, of all things, still makes me cry. Not losing you- because I knew I would have to, but breaking your heart. I still feel guilty about that, and hearing that you have found someone else actually goes a long way towards assuaging that guilt. It makes me feel that perhaps I didn't ruin your life after all.
Do you know, I have no idea why I didn't love you. I don't expect you to ever understand (I still don't), but that's OK. I'm glad that you are going to be married to someone else, and I wish you all happiness.
I have never told anyone this... my mother is mentally ill and that
is why I cannot have a relationship with her. I begged her for years
to seek help and it just brought more abuse on me. She has major
substance abuse issues and treated me horribly growing up. As an
only child of a single mother, without her I feel alone in this
world, but keeping her in my life would invite terrible things into
our lives and possibly harm our children. It's been six years with
no contact and they have been the most stable of my life. There is a
world of judgement to be placed on me for keeping her shut out, but
every time my daughter shares a moment with me- I think about how as
a child my mother was too fucked up to ever engage me that way. I
know you would understand, but I don't want to share this secret. I
don't want pity and I feel like it would overshadow everything about
me. It's selfish and if there was something I could do to help her
get well, at this point, I am not sure I would do it. I am ashamed
of myself for that also.
I love you. You have been the best, most constant person in my life for more than ten years. You have been the man that all my girlfriends wish they could find. I've always loved that about you. You are a hard worker and you have integrity, grit and a huge sense of honor. I'm so proud of all your accomplishments at work and school. Your grades impress me tremendously and you are so good at your job. You couldn't be a better father. You can reach our son on a parental level as well as a fun, childlike level. He adores you. We both do.
That's why I'm so mystified at the turn our marriage has taken. Once we became pregnant with our second child you've become more distant to me. So distant that I thought that you were considering being unfaithful or hiding something to do with our finances. I was terrified because I didn't want such a thing to happen to us. I know you are probably stressed, just as I am but I really wish you would talk to me about it instead of withdrawing. Also, you became short with me on the phone and that doesn't usually happen unless we are arguing about something. I was shocked. I want our old relationship back. The one where we teased each other and cuddled and talked all the time and snuggled in bed. You used to kiss and nuzzle me when you left for work. Now you just get up, get dressed and walk out the door. The most I get is "I'm leaving, see you later." I'm not trying to attack you, I just miss the sweetness and love you used to show all the time. Our sex life is still great, and I'm glad for that. I just don't want that to end up being the only affection we share. I want to go back to the random expressions of love and desire that made me feel priceless.
I know we both have a lot to worry about just now, and I know that you are working hard and trying to put our finances in the best position they can be, and I appreciate every bit of effort you put into it. You are a wonderful man, husband, father, and provider.
I just miss you terribly.
Your Loving Wife
You must not take me seriously. Your friggin out again and not home in the amount of time we agreed upon. I mean seriously we have a 3 month old and you choose time and time again to leave us and go out. You know you ask to go out with your friends to play in those fucking white trash pool tournaments where are you do is lose your ass and drink because your a wanna be. You guilt me into "letting" you go,because if I don't you throw a fit around the house and tell your friends your wife wont "let" you. Honey I don't let you do anything, your a grown man make your own decisions, but mark my word you will deal with the repercussions of me. Then you don't even come home when you say you are going to and might i add you idiot we have this same fucking conversation each fucking week. But apparently you need to get out, and if not you stomp thru the house like a two year old and slam cabinets and mumble under your breath, so of course I say go because honestly its WAY easier when your not here. But for christ sakes, don't you think since I am up at 5am with your son entertaining him, and feeding him and changing him and loving him all day that by the time your stupid ass calls at 11pm that I might want a fucking break. Then you tell me I can either stop bitching or you will turn your phone off and stay out. Are you fucking serious your threating me, like your God, like you have some pull. How would you like me to scrub my ass with your toothbrush or put a little breast milk in your coffee, see I wont threaten you I will just do it.
Take your fucking tantrums, your fucking pool friends, your " only 2 beers" bullshit and shove it up your ass or you will be sorry.
Every time you feign ignorance about how much I
want another baby, it makes me resent you just a
little bit more. Please stop.
Sometimes I start feeling sorry for myself with all that I have to deal with regarding my insane family (They put most stories on Jerry Springer to shame.) I wonder how one person could be expected to deal with all of it, and I think that it's not fair--that I don't deserve all of the drama. But one look at you reminds me how grateful I am that we don't always get exactly what we deserve in life--because I could never deserve you. You're wonderful, and I'm going to remember to tell you that more often.
In the middle of the night last night, I woke up to find us holding hands. You still make me feel safe after all these years.
Remember that date night recently when we sat at a dimly lit table in the corner at Starbucks after dinner and you stuck your hand up my skirt and we kissed and groped each other until we couldn't stand it anymore? Remember how we left there in a feverish rush to devour each other in our big, wonderful bed? Remember how we made love on and off all night long and into the morning? Then, the next day it was back to the business of taking care of our children and doing things around the house all the while exchanging knowing glances and Cheshire cat grins?
I love date night.
We’ve had a great sex life in our 6 years of marriage.
But how I ever regret asking with you to share your
deepest fantasies with me last Saturday! You know
that I was always creeped out by the fact that you had
a death mask made of your first beloved wife. Yet I
admired your love for her and that made me fall in
love with you more. But I’m sick that I unleashed
your fantasy of wanting me to wear your wife’s death
mask while we make love. I know you said you never
would have thought of asking otherwise and that you
don’t really expect me to do it. It’s just the
thought that you fantasized about this that I can’t
get past. That’s why I haven’t been able to have you
touch me and I look for any excuse not to have sex. I
hope this fades soon or I don’t know how I’ll ever be
able to enjoy sex with you ever again. I don’t know
what to do.