I love you so much. I don't know what I would do
without you. I love the way you are constantly telling
me that you love me and I love that you are not scared
of telling me that you want to spend the rest of your
life with me.
There is just one thing. . . I know that you look at
porn. I know it's a silly thing to bother me, but it
does. I don't think you look at it when I'm here
anymore and for that, I am grateful. But I'm sure you
still look at it. I know that you are attracted to me
and the sex between us is great. But I still have body
image issues. I hate that we have sex with the lights
off. Yes, you tell me that it's because of your own
hangups, but I can't help thinking deep down that it's
because you don't want to look at me. So when you have
sex with me with the lights off and then you get off
to hot girls, that hurts me. Those girls, you don't
mind seeing. I know you tell me I'm attractive. Maybe
not as often as I'd like, but you do. And I try to
tell you all the time that I am attracted to you. I
love seeing you naked. I need to see you naked. That's
what I think about when I'm alone. Not strange men
that I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't feel so hurt about
you looking at porn if it seemed like you actually
wanted to look at me naked too.
I do love you baby. I love you more than all the hot
sauce in the world. Thank you for putting up with me.
I wish I could leave you...you are right.. I am completely and utterly
inlove with him still... miss him with all of my heart and it was the
biggest mistake of my life...leaving him...you are mean to me...you fucked
her and lied to me about it...."it was the beginning you say...it wasn't
cheating you say...I am not that person you say..." really you are a
liar...manipulative...but yet when u constantly leave me I beg you to say...
I beg and beg once week...sometimes twice...if I had him I would leave you
in a sec but I think I saw him with someone else so its probably over... I
won't be suprised if you find this... i won't be suprised if u have a bug on
the computer to track what websites I go to..but I am that pathetic I will
not leave you... i will just secretly hope and pray that u will ask me to
marry you...so then I will never be alone again...because u r right that is
why I am with you... I am a chicken shit...who doesn't want to be alone...is
it weak if I know that is what I am doing?? but i wll also go on pretending
to everyone else who will listen that we are happy... I wonder if anyone
believes me?... i know my friends don't...
You keep saying you want to marry me, but all I keep thinking is, "Like heck that's happening."
We got into our first "big" fight & you grabbed me by my hair as you screamed @ me. You said I overreacted when I told you that you nearly ripped my hair out & I had a headache for hours. No, it was true. I didn't make it up. You hurt me. I'm honestly scared of you, but can't tell you. When we get into a fight, I get scared about what you're going to do - you claimed you weren't even "mad" when ya did that, so what are you going to do when you ARE mad?
It was our 1 year soon after & you gave me a gift I'd alwayz wanted, but there wasn't a card or anything about feelings for me which is what I really wanted. I knew it'd be what would fix my heart, but no, nothing. I got you a gift I thought you'd love, as well as a card telling you how much I loved you, but you sat there silent like it sucked. You completely broke my heart. I tried so hard & you didn't care. Plus, the fact you thought all I would want is some material possesion hurt me so bad.
It's hard to forget that you chose to advance a career you claimed you didn't want over keeping a promise to me - over a date we'd planned together since we first met. I know I should forgive you for it, but I can't forget it. All of our fights, it's caused by me remembering that & resenting you even more. The fact you're only making $30, every couple of weeks, in said "career" just makes it worse you "went there".
The reason I don't wanna go to your family's much is cause they're so different than what I'm used to being around in my family. They don't hug you when you come in. They don't act happy to see you. They're just...there. I can't stand it. It scares me to see them & think, "That's your future." I'm dreading going there in a few weeks, cause I know it's going to be the same again.
I'm tired of you flinging my friendships w/men I've known longer than you in my face - you knew going in I was a "fan" & now I'm not allowed to be that. Every single time I tell you about something 1 of the boys says, you have to go there, "Well if I did that...." but in the same breath, you tell me you trust me. You obviously don't, but you probably have good reason - "he's" after me to marry him. I'd never date him, but sometimes I let you think I would to make you jealous. I'll tell you about the things other boys say, cause when you get jealous, you finally act like you care about me instead of about your stupid sports radio.
Everyone wants me to leave you, but I can't. I dunno why anymore, but I do love you & I want us to work so badly it's unreal. I wish you could be the boy you were when we first started dating. I don't know what happened to him, but all I keep doing is wishing & praying that everyone's wrong, that our "honeymoon" isn't over after a year that's completely changed my life, but now, is changing it in really bad ways.
You knew who I was when you met me. You knew what I believed. You knew I was an individual, not someone who would just cater to the whims of the penis priesthood you so boldly claim you have.
But please, even if you think my beliefs are crazy and nutty, do not belittle me in front of your children. Do not touch those things I consider sacred. Do not even pretend that you have one ounce of spirituality in your bones. Because you don't.
I'm trying to remember why we are still married. We don't have sex. We don't talk. We are really no more than roommates.
Please, just let me follow my truth and I'll leave you alone. That seems to be what you want anyway.
The death of our son was no accident. I know you could never forgive me if you knew the truth. Nobody could, including me. I'd have grown old in prison for sure if I hadn't been so clever. I will continue to be the best wife I can be to you and hide the terrible pain inside me until death parts us my love. Making you happy and our great lovelife are my only consolations. Otherwise, I deserve to suffer.
Just when I think you couldn't get any better, you go and surprise me. You are unbelievable. I adore you. I adore you. I adore you. A million times over.
Just a month ago, I was posting on another blog about how great we had
it, finally, after 8 years, working through the challenges and looking
forward to a lifetime of togetherness. But then you came home and asked
me to send my daughter to live with her dad, for being, basically, a
She doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and has a "B" average. Her
boyfriend is good kid with college prospects. All in all, I am pretty
happy with her. So she misses curfew on occassion and lost her cell
phone. So her room is a stye. Doesn't seem to me a good reason to throw
her out, and when I said "no", you stopped speaking to her, and to me
only when necessary.
You knew 8 years ago coming in that I had two kids and that it's not
always easy when kids are involved. Would you be asking the daughter we
had together to leave for coming in late a few nights? I think not.
I love you-at least, I did. But my kids were part of the package.
Asking me to choose you over one of them was the worst thing you could
have done to me. There is no winner here. And I'm not sure if I love
I don't know what made you react this way to a teenager doing what
teenagers do. She paid for the phone, she's stopped skipping curfew.
What the hell else do you want??
What really pisses me off is that you joke about the crap you did as a
teenager-the drinking, the smoking, the vandalism of the coach's car,
but won't cut my daughter an inch of slack. WHY?
And while we're at it, what the hell happened to our sex life? It's
been months-3 I think, maybe 4, I can't remember any more. Much longer
than the time that's gone by since you asked me to throw my daughter
out, so that's not it. You act like my roommate, you don't even kiss me
anymore. And you're no prize-you rush to get the mouthwash your dentist
recommends, but when the doctor tells you to lose weight, you
conveniently ignore that advice.
I'm 48 years old and I hate waking up in the morning. But the thing is,
I can hardly sleep. And it's all your fault.
I wish someone would tell his new girlfriend that he's
fucking around on her.
I wish someone would tell her that he's not the
I wish someone would tell her that he has been fucking
me, the one person she hates the most, for the past 3
And I wish I could tell him to stop calling me.
I broke it off with him for good last week and he
agreed. 3 days later, he tells me he still wants me.
If his new girlfriend is so wonderful, then why does
he still call me? And if he's so wonderful, why is she
still calling HER ex?? I wish someone would tell them
both that their new wonderful partner are both liars
and cheats. Neither one would believe me.
I am saying no to him from now on. It doesn't matter
how good the sex is. He will never give me anything
else and he will continue to lie to his girlfriend
about his contact with me.
Why couldn't you have been my husband? Sometimes I am consumed by thoughts of what could have been between us.
It was as if we felt compelled to spend every moment we could together because we knew it couldn't last. Every waking (and sleeping) moment, even when we were both at work, we emailed one another constantly back and forth during the day, and spoke on the phone several times. Nights and weekends....I'll never forget that time. We were each other's everything. There was no room for the world. There was only our love, the love we'd both waited for our whole lives. We felt we were the same person...BEYOND soulmates....we had our own language, remember? The word "love" didn't even come close to describing what we felt for one another, we made up our own word. I told you I would love you forever. And after. We laughed ALL the time. And when we made love, each time it was like the first time for me. I couldn't remember ever being with anyone else. Every relationship I'd had up til we met had just been a dress rehearsal for what we had. I told you that. You said you felt the same. Everywhere we went, everything we did, every movement we made was a celebration of our love. People stared at us wherever we went. Remember?
So we moved in together. We planned on marrying in January. One Wednesday evening in September you demanded that I prove my love to you and marry you that weekend. So I did. We ran away to Montauk and married. We giggled all weekend. One of us would say, "We DID it!" and we'd dissolve into uncontrollable laughter. You were my Hero. You'd saved me from a life without love. I was your Princess.
But your demons had been hiding silently all along, biding their time. Marriage was their trigger. The false accusations. The constant battering for more love, more affection, more attention, more sex, more money....suddenly, I wasn't good enough, no matter how hard I tried. Suddenly, the woman you claimed to love was the same woman you treated with contempt. You raged your demands on me constantly, as constantly as you had once loved me. The love that I had thanked the Goddess for each and every day turned overnight into something evil and ugly. I was miserable all the time. I gave you everything in the hopes that the demons would set you free and return the man I'd fallen in love with to me. But they were unyielding. They controlled you now and in time I had to realize that they would never, and will never, ever let you go.
I had no choice. I couldn't stand the abuse any longer. Once I realized the man I loved was never coming back, that the demons had murdered him and replaced him with....whoever , whatever you are now....I had to leave. I had to save myself.
You used me. But not for sex or money.
Your demons have convinced you that you are a useless, worthless human being. You used me to prove them right.
But I saw someone else when I looked at you. I saw a sensitive, kind, thoughtful, loving, sexy, intelligent, talented, generous man who gave as much love as he received. A man who reflected the face of the divine.
You never, not once, EVER fought to save our love. You gleefully beat it down, wore it out, and kicked it to the curb.
You never fought for me. That's what hurts most of all. I gave in to each and every one of your demands, regardless of how unreasonable they were. I asked for one thing: that you continue to see your therapist. But he'd gotten too close to those demons. You would never go back and fight that fight. Not for us. Not for me. Not for yourself.
I'm building a life for myself. I'm financially and emotionally independent now, on my own in every sense of the word. It hasn't been easy. There were moments when I believed I'd die without you. But I'm still alive. In fact, I'm thriving. My life is getting better and better every day. I continue to evolve. For the first time in my life, I am proud of myself and my achievements. I am loving myself the way you promised you would.
But I will never, ever forget those glory days of the Princess and The Hero.
My Hero is gone. I know now he will never return. I promised to love him forever. And after.
I intend to keep that promise.