Wednesday, March 07, 2007

True Wife Confessions 165 moments of silence

Confession #1641

You just don't get it. I don't love you anymore. Your abuse killed all of the love I had to give you. Once again, as always, you cut off your nose to spite your face.

You are a man, who, if someone sent you flowers, would call that person and say, "Hey, I got your flowers. I tipped the guy. You owe me 2 bucks."

You want to destroy me because I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce. Go ahead. Bring it on. Do your worst. In the end, you will only destroy yourself. You are a convicted felon who has consistently violated the terms of your probation. I will not tell the Judge this because I'm out to get you. I will tell him this in self-defense.

My anger, which you could never stand, came from your abuse. You don't get it. You never did. You never will. Not my problem.

Rot in Hell you piece of shit.


Confession #1642

To My ex-husband's ex-girlfriend:

You tried to warn me. You told me about the things he did to you and the ways he tore your self-esteem apart. I didn't believe you. I wouldn't have believed anyone, but I especially didn't believe you. I just gave you a self-satisfied smirk and said "Yeah, okay, whatever." and then I went and told him and anyone who would listen how sad and jealous you were. I am sorry for that. I treated you like a fool, but I was a much bigger fool than you. You gave him 1 year of your life....I gave him 10. I made him the father of my children so I will never truly be rid of him. And now I see him with someone new and I thank God every day that I no longer have to depend on him for love, affection, sex, support, or validation of any kind. He took a beautiful, strong, self confident young woman and reduced me to a self-loathing, pathetic, sad shell of what I had been. It took two years to find myself again after he left me, but I am back. And now I look at the girl who has replaced me. I like her. She is smart, and cute, and she has been kind to my children. She is a little too young for him, but if that is the only thing wrong with her, I can deal with that. I want to warn her, but I can't. I can't upset the delicate balance we have created between me and him and between me and her that is working so well for my children. And, of course, she would never believe me anyway. So when she looks at me with her eyes full of pity because she has him, and I don't I just smile back. I wouldn't be in her shoes for the world. When it all falls apart for her, I will give her a call and I will tell her my story, before she can tell me what he has done to her. Then she will know that it is not her. It is him. My words will be a comfort to her the way the memory of your words comforted me in my darkest hour. Because of the things you told me I knew that it wasn't my fault. It was just his usual pattern playing itself out. I wish I had kept in touch with you so I could say these things to you. Thank you.

Confession #1643

I used to love you, adore you, practically worship you. I don't any longer. You say we have issues, that YOU have issues, but you refuse to tell me what they are, and I am not a fucking mind reader. I am tired of sitting up at night worrying about what you will be like the next day, the next week, month etc... I am tired of walking on eggshells. I refuse to justify my actions or other relationships to you anymore. I need my friends. You believe you can function without a friend, but I don't.

I will tell you one thing though. I'M IN LOVE WITH "HER." She is my best friend and has shown me more love, kindness, and compassion than you ever have. And guess what? She actually thinks I'm pretty and sexy. It doesn't feel like a chore to kiss and cuddle with her, like it does with you. All I want to do is be in her arms and make love to her.

Confession #1644

sometimes i lie to my psychologist
how's that gonna help?

Confession #1645

I love that when you take a day off, you clean the house.

For that alone, I love you more and more every day.

Thank you, hunnybunny.

Confession #1646

To my husband:
Please, please listen to the doctor and start losing weight. I'm seriously getting so frustrated with you and your laziness. Quit making excuses. I've tried everything to get you to exercise and nothing works. Maybe I'm being too subtle.

I'm taking this personally because you weren't always this way. Remember two years ago and your emotional affair?? Funny how during that whole time you were the workout king. You wouldn't miss a workout if your life depended on it. Funny how when that whole thing got exposed the workouts tapered off. It hurts me to the core that there was something about her that made you want to be a better person.

But here we are two years and fifty pounds later. You want to know why I'm not interested in sex anymore? I'm sorry to say, but I'm just not attracted to you like I used to be. And I'm about to tell you that because I'm at my wits end, but I'm afraid even then you wouldn't care enough to do anything about it.

Confession #1647

When I went to the psychic and he told me that you love me, are happy with me and you don't want a divorce- it meant more than you'll ever know. You don't know that I get depressed and that I think about leaving. I've brought up divorce in my head so many times I can't even remember. I know I love you and that we're good together, but I guess I feel like I don't deserve you. God knows we're not perfect and that we annoy the crap out of each other, but him telling me that lifted a tremendous weight off me. Love you Babe...

Confession #1648

Seriously? I don't have a problem doing things for you. In fact, it makes me happy to make your coffee in the morning, fetch the paper off the front walk, run your errands and generally wait on you hand and foot. Honestly, I really LIKE doing nice things for you. Even if it means going out of my way sometimes.

That being said, I DO MIND when you go out of your way to come find me, at the other end of the house, to ask me to drop what I am doing in order to do something for you. Are you completely incapable of doing ANYTHING for yourself? Did you really need me to come make you a sandwich RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND while I was folding laundry last night? Could you not go to the grocery store that is ACROSS THE STREET from your office to buy creamer on your way home, rather than telling me AFTER I am already home that you are out? And do you think that I find it at all amusing that you make it my crisis when you tell me 15 minutes before I am going to walk out the door to work that you "may have written a bad check or two" on the joint account last week and could I "go online and transfer funds to cover it real quick?".

For-christ-sake! SERIOUSLY.

Confession #1649

When you call me from the bedroom to "Look" at whatever is on TV is DRIVES ME CRAZY - the same is true for looking at whatever on the computer, or whatever you are reading in the paper. And what is even more amazing, is how pissed off you get when I don't run in the room fast enough. WHO CARES about the story on CNN? I DON'T!!

Confession #1650

Dear So-Called Best Friend With Benefits,

Refresh me. Why have I put my world at risk to pursue a relationship
with you? It wasn't the money. I have my own, and there's plenty more
where that came from. It wasn't the sex. The one time we ended up with
our pants off, it was only oral and you had a much better time than I
did - in under a minute. Damn I'm good.

I don't think I signed up for the walking on eggshells and tiptoeing
around your neverending parade of "funks" because your life isn't as
you want it due to the choices you have made. I didn't sign up for
having my personal flaws under regular attack while being expected to
blithely accept yours. I don't think I signed up for only being loved
and appreciated when I agree with you or when your ego needs a stroke.
I didn't sign up for never knowing what trivial thing I was going to
say or do that was going to piss you off, leaving you not speaking to
me for days or weeks on end. I also didn't sign up for being punished
by the one thing that you know hurts me most - the silent treatment -
and never knowing what I'm being punished for "this time," because you
are too cowardly to just tell me. I didn't sign up for being reeled in
then pushed away like some kind of bizarre yo-yo either. Oh, I know -
it's because I'm a sucker for emotional abuse - Every. Single.
Fucking. Time.

Not that you've asked, but your life would be a hell of a lot easier
if you didn't walk around actively looking for reasons to be offended.
Yes, you are extremely smart. Yes, you are amazingly talented. Yes,
you are beautiful to look at and delightful to be around when you're
not in one of the black moods that you talk yourself into with such
alarming regularity. Get over yourself. It's not my fault that you are
no longer attracted to your spouse or that you think she's stupid or
that you have made some unwise choices in your life. It's not my fault
that you are unwilling to do anything other than what you're doing to
make your life different, even though what you're doing (namely,
brooding) clearly isn't working. If you keep doing what you're doing,
you're going to keep getting what you're getting. It's that simple.

I am worth so much more than this. My partner may be a lot of things,
but stable is one of them. That alone makes it worthwhile to stay
where I am and purge my life of you and your crazy-making bullshit.
The emotional rollercoaster over at "YourWorld" is making me sick. I'm
getting off and turning in my season's pass. Good luck wallowing in
your self-pity. I'm done.

Quietly returning to my life,
Me

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

1642

I'm am proud of you for pulling yourself up and out and becoming again the woman you always knew you were. It must be tough watching his new girl, knowing what may & probably will happen down the line.

I'm not sure how your ex was with the kids, but my only advice (though not asked for) would be that if you are going to stay silent to her, just make sure that the kids wont be harmed by any of it.

I wish you the best, stay strong.

Anonymous said...

1648: It's because he is so used to you going out of your way that he does that. I know how you feel though, mine does the same thing. It drives me nuts, but also, I know he does it because he just CAN'T make his own damned sandwich. He likes the way I make them.

1649: Maybe he just wants to share things with you and maybe he wants you to be with him more? That's why he does that?

cas said...

1642 - Been there, done that. Have a friend that is there now and nothing I or anyone says can steer her from her cheating, abusive EX-husband. It's as if she forgot all the reasons she left his sorry ass in the first place.

1648 - Oh, hell no.

1650 - If the extracurricular is giving you more drama than the primary, yeah, it's past time to give that stuff up.

Anonymous said...

1649: I can see myself in your husban'd shoes, and you in my husband's...he doesn't care at all about the stuff that I care about on TV, the news, etc. It hurts to feel like he's disinterested in the things that interest me and that we have nothing in common after all. Maybe you could at least try to show an interest.

Anonymous said...

1643: I think we are the same person married to the same guy...

Are you as sad as I am?

jenner said...

To any & all the people who mentioned "walking on eggshells" - I've been there - ONCE. Never ever again. If they don't have the balls or self-realization to realize the way they're acting, they are NOT WORTH BEING WITH. YOu are not their shrink, you are not their mother, you do not deserve this, and you should never ever feel like you have to watch what you say and do for fear of setting off these immature tantrums.

If they can't or won't realize this, you MUST GET OUT. I know, I know - easier said than done. But it is SO much better when you do.

#1646 - I have to ask - why are you still with him? I TOTALLY understand the hurt & anger re: he'd lose weight for HER, but not you. On top of that, if he was having an affair in the first place - emotional, physical, whatever - again, why are you still there?
You deserve SO much better than that.

tAnYeTTa said...

i totally respect all the honesty in these posts! WOW!

Anonymous said...

1642: I am in that very situation myself. My ex's new wife, who was a friend of ours, giving me that look like she is superior to me. Full of hate and loathing for me because she believes the lies he told her and anyone who would listen. Negating my parenting (although she is 41 and childless) and trying to turn my child against me.

I was her. We all were. Believing everything he said about his exes because we loooooved him. Only after we left did we discover the truth. And so will she, one day. In the meantime, I don't know whether to hate her or pity her...

Anonymous said...

You are supposed to tip the guy who delivers flowers????? Who knew? I guess I'll have to start carrying singles at all times!

Anonymous said...

I lied to my shrink too....I don't go anymore! Now, I read these posts to make myself feel better about the situation I'm in (or no longer in).

Anonymous said...

#1650-- I know that guy. Maybe (hopefully) not the one you're talking about, but I know one just like him. I don't understand why they have to constantly look for reasons and blame others for why their lives suck...when they can just look at themselves and make a few small changes--- frustrating.

Anonymous said...

1648 - you're causing him to be so reliant on you, cut the cord honey or he'll be aking you to wipe his ass next.

Anonymous said...

1650...

Thank you for posting that... I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that i have a couple things going on outside of "my life"

I've dropped the second one of them... the occasional "hi" but we've both come to an understanding that it never happened...

Now for the first... i am in the process of telling him that i hate him, his truck, his attitude, and that he smokes. I agree it woulda been different had we tried, back when we met in highschool... but its selfdestructive to even see him now, last time we were together, i pushed him away & just cried...

And theres the third... Its easy for me not to be around him, his lesbian gf keeps him on a tight leash, but he seems to think I'm somehow his mistress... i mean the sex was great... amazing, raw & passionate, just the way I like it... and it was f-ing hot that i was cheating on the second one with this one, his friend... but i can't stomach any of it anymore...

Thank you for showing me they can be left... and I can keep living... good luck 1650... wish me luck too...