Friday, March 23, 2007

True Wife Confessions 169- 13 Squared

Confession #1681

Soul Cry

Hurting at the very core of myself.
I can feel my soul cry.
Screaming at the top of my lungs, but nobody’s hearin’
Stuck here.
Rattlin’ my chain and turning this wheel.

Caught up

I’m fearin’ this is cycle that is my life’s story, caught between a fairy tale a dream sold and a nightmare

and some where between sleep and awake
I find it never seems to end.

I’m looking for answers and looking to be heard, felt.
Understood and trying to understand, loved seen if but for a minute

But I got conflicting emotions, wondering if they were all lies you told me I’m trying to live this dream you sold me. But I find more often then not I’m left holding the ball you dropped.

Alone, lonely and cryin’ out for too long now with this feeling

Got me second guessin’ I’m not tryin’ to make it yo’ fault but damn, can we talk because the situation begs the question, I’ve got to ask, are you for me?

I got so much stuff on my mind now and it doesn’t seem I should be dealing alone but here I am.
Frustration has more than taken it’s toll, At my breaking point now and still.
Spinning this wheel and praying this pain will stop or at least someone, anyone, would hear my.

Soul cry.

Confession #1682

My work “boyfriend” has moved away.

I miss him.

I am not supposed to feel this way……

Confession #1683

I am so glad that you dumped me. I wish I could call you up and thank you, because I know I gave you the impression that it was a devestating blow, and it was back then. But you are a manipulative asshole and a liar, and it did not take long for me to realize that after you let me go.

When I met you - I gave you a chance. When I first saw you, I did not think you were very attractive and your snaggletooth scared the hell out of me. I thought you were a big nerd, and maybe even gay. But also I thought you were kind and earnest and you did not care that I was a single-parent. I was very weary of having you meet my child, but you insisted that you really wanted to and that you were so serious about me, so I let you. I am embarassed that I let you play 'house' with me and my child. (PS - you know nothing about parenting!) You said that you wanted to be her father. You're an asshole.

I met your parents and sister and her family and bonded with all of them. You are also an asshole for letting your nieces become so close to me and then ripping me out of their lives. You sister specifically asked you not to do that. I kept loving you and saw past the fact that your father was a complete racist, controlling asshole and that I found him disgusting. Oh wait... you are so much like him.

One day you changed and showed me who you really are. Someone who just wants someone to bend to their will. Someone who has no clue who they are and is scared of growing up. Someone who will have an unhappy life. Sit in your bar with your aging girlfriend-less buds and have your sausage party and get plastered every night. Wow - what a life! I couldn't fit into that lifestyle, so you said you changed your mind and you weren't ready to settle down and it was over. It sucked then but THANK YOU!!!!

I would have been miserable with you - you would have been a wretched father and husband. The type of girl you want does not exsist. You will never be happy. I was the cutest girl you ever dated (you said so yourself, and I saw the pics...) and the nicest and now I am gone and I hope you remember how well I treated you forever! Now I am getting married to a wonderful man who is SO much better than anything you could ever be. You lose, buddy!

PS - I know about your secret internet S&M sex life, you perv. Oh yeah, and your tattoos are the ugliest and dumbest things I have ever seen! Stop showing them off!

Confession #1684

I love True Wife Confessions, and I try to use the entries to check myself and
my behavior. There was another fellow who wrote and said, "I've been all these
guys." Well, I have been a lot of them too. I've been reading for about a month
now and since I started I have...

..Come home and NOT set up my laptop first thing. In fact there have been a few
nights now when I didn't turn it on at all. The world did not end, or stop

..have done kitchen work before going to bed, like I used to.

..Written little "I love you" notes in the morning and put them where she can
find them.

..Come home and NOT turned on "Law and Order" before I said hi or kissed her.
Sometimes I didn't turn on the tv or change the channel from "Friends".

..came home from work with fixin's for dinner so she didn't have to do it after
she got home from work.

..actually sat and listened and talked (more than once) like we did when we
were first married. She's still fun to talk to she's still so beautiful. I
still love her so much. She wasn't used to us spending time with me like that.
I felt bad that I had neglected her that way.

..I drove with her and her teen-age son (with whom I have an iffy relationship)
to his game in a part of town she doesn't know.

I don't want a pat on the back for doing stuff that I ought to be doing anyway.
I married her because I loved her and I wanted to treat her like the special,
wonderful person she is. As the years have gone by, five in April, I've gotten
slack. I take her for granted and I don't want to do that. I'm not perfect, and
I've done things that have hurt her...just as she's done things that have hurt
me. But I want to do the best I can, and this helps me stay on track. I might
show up here for something bad someday...I'm human after all.

Anyway, my thanks to you and to all the women who participate. More of us men
ought to pay attention here.

You can use this or not. I just wanted to say again...thanks to you and to all
the women here.

Confession #1685

OK. Let's recap:

You're a convicted felon. You owe thousands of dollars in credit card debt. The IRS is after you for tax evasion. You owe your first ex-wife and your last girlfriend money. Your driver's license has been revoked, and you continue to drive. You hacked into my email and emailed everyone in my address book, slandering me. You never see your son, and never even attempt to see him. You stalked me and threatened my life. You falsely accused me of cheating on you with someone I haven't seen in 4 years. You falsely accused me of being a drug addict, forced me to take an OBSERVED drug test, and when the results came back negative, you said the test was flawed. You raped me 3 times. You tried to get me arrested. (Stop me if any of this is even remotely untrue.) YOU had the AUDACITY to file for an Order of Protection against ME, which the Judge dismissed, with a warning to you. Every day you listed all of the ways in which I was not meeting your needs. You broke the closet door and blamed it on me. You never allowed me to sleep, keeping me up all nite, every nite, with a list of your demands and my shortcomings. You're an alcoholic. You refuse to go for therapy. You placed a phony ad for an apartment and then tried to make me feel as if I had done something wrong by answering the ad.

And each time I went back to you.

Then you kicked me out into the street, knowing I had nowhere to go, and knowing that what you were doing was against the law.

Shame on me for staying for so long.


Confession #1686

I just got our 14 month old son to sleep in his crib instead of in our bed a week ago.

The sex we've had for the last three night has been mind blowing.

Confession #1687

you are breaking my heart with all your talk and no action. I want to believe you and I don't want to be a quitter but we haven't gone to therapy yet. I don't trust you on so many levels. That has to be healed if we are going to stay together. I get so sick of you talking about all the trips we're going to take or going fishing or Colorado or whatever. We NEVER do it. You're full of bullshit promises. I wish so much that you really wanted this and was willing to work at it but you're all just talk.

You think I should be happy because you say "Love you" when we hang up. Or that you give me money twice a month. And each month that goes by, it starts out great but more time passes and yet nothing. And then when I say anything unpleasant - you go AWOL on me until the next event - birthday or house repair, whatever. Then we're back on the merry go round, smiling and being happy until it comes time for you to DO SOMETHING. You are so limited as a human being.

I don't want a divorce. I want us to be married, living in the same house and spending time together. Not all the time, just some time. Fuck. I keep wishing we would work this out. And btw, you should be ashamed for letting your mother stay in that nursing home. She deserves better. And when she is gone, you will not EVER have anyone love you as much as that woman did. Let's see if you got that - you will never be loved on this earth as much as your Mother loved you. You should be doing everything you can to save her and you barely will even go see her.

What happened to your AA meetings and doing the steps. Because I will never forgive you for tormenting me during my Dad's funeral with your temper tantrum until you ask forgiveness. You were the fucking scum of the earth that weekend. Alcohol or not. Just because you quit drinking doesn't mean I forgive you for all the bullshit. I'm not happy to just have you sober, I want some real and honest conversation. Do you even know how to do that?

Confession #1688

The four of us are "friends", but now everything has turned to shit. My confession is that I am pissed. Your fiancé crossed the line talking shit about me and saying things simply to hurt feelings because he was backed in a corner.

I have covered his ass too many times to name about too many lies of his that he's told. You are so quick to judge my relationship, but please take a moment to look at yours. He is a pathological liar. There are many, many things that you don't know about him that will affect your life directly. Ever wonder why EVERYONE always has a different story about the same situation than him? Ever wonder why he doesn't have a checking account? What he says about you and your relationship behind your back? He will blame his behavior on his friends and family, which only make you hate them more, but then blame you to them. Everyone hears the comments he makes to you under is breath. You defend him because you love him and believe him, but deep down I really think that you are aware that he's an asshole, liar, insecure, arrogant prick. He's a 30-something year old man and giggles and points at handicapped and over weight people. It's really time for him to grow up and get some compassion.

I do pity him because everyday he's lying about something to someone. It's amazing how he can keep it all straight. When you called me upset with doubts about marrying him and I tried to make you feel better? – I really wanted to tell you that you should hold on to those doubts and run for the hills. Now that he's starting talking shit about me, I'm just going to sit back and watch his house of cards fall down on him. It will happen someday, years and years from now, but I don't want to miss it.

Confession #1689

why can't this site be just a confession for anyone in your life that you wish you could say something to but can't.

if so, it would be to my mother. she definitely drives me crazier than my husband does.

so briefly, mom, i do not believe you simply *forgot* my birthday after the big to-do you made about me not coming over on MY birthday. you say that you miss me and wonder why we can't be friends but it's because of stuff like that. you give me such grief over things that you make me not want to be around you. i hate it because if you were my husband or a friend or anyone else, you would have been out of my life a long time ago.

and to my husband. sometimes i say that i am sick to my stomach or have a headache because i am too depressed to get off the couch or out of bed. my medicine doesn't seem to be working anymore, but i am going to the doctor soon to hopefully fix that.

Confession #1690

Sometimes I ask myself why you are with me. Or why we even bother to talk about things. Nothing ever changes when we do. The other night I was almost begging to go out and you didn’t want to go. This was fine I understood. Until your lil friend called and wanted to go. O of course you jumped on it then didn’t you. I don’t think you realize you do these things. I can’t remember the last time we went out. Just you and me, one of you lil friends is always there. And I get ignored the entire time. I thought by telling you this the other night it would change things. NOPE. That night things were ok... But we go out last night and I sat there the entire time playing games on my damn phone. Why? Because not one word was being said to me the whole night. I’m in a pool hall and I’m playing bejeweled on a cell phone because apparently girls don’t play pool. Well that’s a crock and you know it because we used to play all the time. Now I’m not even asked to play at all. So while you are shooting and having a good ole time drinking with your buddies I’m sitting there staring at the walls. This is why I don’t talk to you about things. Cause no matter what I say things will never change. They only way to get your attention it’s to start bitching about you drinking so much and trying to drive home. I know you would never intentionally hurt me but sometimes I wonder what is going through your head. Because the more I express concerns the more I’m ignored. It doesn’t matter what it is. I sent you an email expressing concerns about another situation. I know you read it but not a word was said about it. Funny how I tell you that you being around a certain person could cause us to break up and you have nothing to say about it. Do you really not give a fuck about what I’m thinking or doing anymore? Just when I thought we were doing good BAM I get smacked with some more bullshit. You run and hide the fact that you still talk to your little bitch.. Well guess what fucktard I see everything you fuckin say to her. You seem to forget i have the password to you email and everything else. Keep this shit up and she can have you. And the two of you can live a happy delusional life together... FUCK OFF


Anonymous said...

1683- You were with my ex-boyfriend. The snaggletooth, the ugly tatoos, the incessant need to act like a frat boy... yeah, my ex. Leave the college boys for the high school girls, we can do better.

Anonymous said...

1684 - Good for you!!! Keep up the good work (and marriage DOES take work - on both parts) and you will have a lifetime of happiness!!!!

Anonymous said...

to 1681-i'm speechless. i really felt that.

Anonymous said...

1689 -

Anonymous said...

1690: If you guys can't talk and have him listen to your concerns and he's still talking with some other girl, you need to get out of that relationship. Why be in a relationship where you feel more alone with someone than you would if you were ALONE? Get out. It's not worth it. he is cheating.

Unknown said...

I know it's easier said than done, and I don't mean to come across as judgemental, but every single batch of confessions has people who should NOT be with their partners. And I don't know WHY we always feel the need to cling on to bad relationships for dear life.

I TOTALLY understand trying to work on a relationship - hell, ALL relationships need to be worked on, it's a necessary part of any relationship - but so many of these relationships are cleary harmful or painful or just...dead.

Ladies - please, think about why you are staying in your relationships. Is it because you're scared? Understandable. But do you REALLY want to spend your whole life being unhappy?

Just something to think about. I wish each & every one of you lots of luck.

tg said...

1686 - How did you manage it? (Moving the baby, not mind blowing sex. I think my husband and I can handle that part on our own.)

Anonymous said...

1682 I feel your pain. I had a 'work boyfriend' too and since he has left work sucks! Nothing ever happened between us, but we used to talk all of the time and joke around and it was FUN. I have fun with my husband too, but they are two total opposites. I miss him!

Anonymous said...

1684, that's all I've been asking for... just a little of his time.

good for you for knowing what your marriage needs- you will reap the benefits and rewards :)

Anonymous said...

#1686, I'm glad you are having some great sex. We co sleep with our 14 month old, and we always have mind blowing sex. The sex never takes place in our bed though.

There is the guest room, living room, rec room, shower, etc. Sex doesn't *have* to take place in the master bedroom.

Anonymous said...

anon 3:27- I wish someone could convince my dh you don't have to have sex in a bed. He insists he can only be comfortable having sex in our bed.

boo said...

@ ALL,

you will only be treated how you allow yourself to be treated.

I wish you all THE STRENGTH to do what you have to do to better your lives