You are a good, kind, true man. We have been best friends, wonderful friends for over a year now. You put up with me even when I drive myself crazy with all my talking and thinking. You are nothing but supportive and understanding. You really listen when I talk and know when I'm telling you important stuff. You never tell me to "shut the f*ck up" although I think sometimes I must push you right to that point and beyond. I can tell you anything. You make me laugh and smile in a zillion different ways. You can diffuse my anger or bad mood in an instant. You can be so incredibly tender with just a word or touch that I well up with tears in 30 seconds. I am overwhelmed sometimes at how quickly you manage to reach that spot inside me that I keep so well protected. You are amazing. And yet I have to keep reminding you that I need to hear certain things from you. Not every day. Not every minute. Not every week even. But for god's sake, would it kill you once in while to tell me that you are looking forward to seeing me? Would it be too much for you to ask me one time if we could have lunch together? I always have to ask. I need to hear that you are looking forward to the next time we can make love. I need to hear these things. You need to say them. I don't know how many different ways I can tell you this. You communicate more by what you don't say. You assume that some things are just given, just are and that I clearly understand that. I don't. There are crazy, crazy self-doubts in my head. I am working very hard to dispell them and you have helped a great deal with that. You believe in me more than I do in myself sometimes. But, honey, until the gremlins in my head are all gone, can you just tell me what I need to hear........please?
I'm not the suspicious type. If you say you'll do something, I take you at your word. Even when you used to lie about going to class and instead went to your sister's to sleep. Even when you swore you quit smoking but I still smelled it on you. I have to see it with my own eyes before I believe you're lying. But that stuff was more about you afraid of getting in trouble (like I'm your mom, for crissake). I still trust you. We have what I think is a great marriage and a pretty damn good sex life. I have never suspected you of infidelity before, but now I wonder if I should.
I used your computer today to check for school delays because it was on and mine takes forever to warm up. I found porn all over your computer and a recent hit on a hotel website in your history. You've gone away "with the guys" for the weekend. What the hell am I supposed to think?
I can't figure out if I'm being paranoid or stupid.
Which is it?
When we were young, I remember loving you in a deep place. So deep that I had more love for you than I had for anyone ever, including my parents. I used to marvel at it.
Now, I there is just an absence of emotion when you come to mind. I have contributed to this misery by my ignorance about life and men and my blind faith in you all this time. You created this through your chronic recreational drug use and overall selfishness. Tonight, we fought before you left because you are going out with your friend and I asked you to be home by 1:00. In your typical childish way "I'm the boss of me" attitude, you refused and said that you'd be home whenever you felt like it.
Ok. I remember all the nights this year that you stayed out until 5,6,7 in the morning with friends. I even remember the one time that you didn't come home at all - until 10:30. You said you blacked out. All I know is that I was worried out of my mind. Lately you've been saying how you're determined to change, committed to being a better husband. Well, hell, START TONIGHT. I don't know any other husbands who do what they want carte blanche...at least not any happily married ones. If you want us to have a good relationship, start by having some consideration of my feelings.
What pisses me off the most is that you act like all this shit that you've inflicted on me is in the diiiiiiiistant past, like 10 years ago or something. You're not open to talking about any of because its such ancient history to you. No darling, the majority of your bullshit - the cocaine, the heavy drinking, staying out late, coming home and puking your guts out -- waking me up in the middle of night at least 3 nights a week, the "friends," the lies, the money disappearing - all of that was in the past 2 years babe. So when I bring it up and you accuse me of being a martyr for wanting to talk about it, its incredibly infuriating. Maybe you want me to feel as crazy as you act. It's working.
You know what? Inside, I laugh. Whenever you call me a martyr, I LOVE IT. Know why? Because it means that you're totally in the dark about how much my feelings have changed toward you. Sure, I used to give to you even when I had NOTHING for myself. I was so co-dependent on you that I had trouble figuring out where you ended and I begun. Not anymore.
I'M NOT A MARTYR. While I appear to put up with your bullshit and occasionally complain about it to you (with vain hopes that you'll rectify what you're doing), I'm not in this forever. NO SIR. Every time you give me attitude about such simple things, it confirms that you and I are not meant to last. You are sooooo sadly mistaken if you think that I'm going to spend the rest of my time here on earth with someone I actually have to negotiate with every time he goes out about what time he'll be home. You act like you are doing me a FAVOR when you succumb to my wishes about really simple things, things that any wife should expect. Screw you, jerk. You will be free to do Whatever. You. Please. 24 hours a day, 7 days per week once I get myself together -- and by that, I mean my education and my money.
Yep, my mom knows! Ha! YES, every last &%$ing thing you've put me through, she knows. And she backs me up 100%. What, did you think I'd stay silent forever? ...And I save my money on the side. And I will finish school. And when I feel that I have enough, I won't care what time you'll be coming home because I'll be with someone who I would never even think of having that conversation with, because it won't be necessary. So go ahead, stay out as late as you want honey. I've finally realized something: You're right, no one can tell you what to do.
I never in a million years thought that this would ever become a reality. I have always had a crush on you since last year. You were the only guy (not related to me) that seemed genuinely interested in touching my belly. The union party was so much fun, but then you kissed her and I became so jealous. Fast forward to this year and we grew closer when we got back to work. We would flirt all the time. Everyone warned me that you were a player but I never once believed that. There is something about you that has always felt so familiar, like I've known you forever. Had a great time at happy hour last week and texting you on the way home. I was blown away when you suggested that I "come out hang out" with you. It all became a blur but we made plans to meet. I felt like it was our first date. We just totally fit. I had so much fun. I feel like I can be totally honest with you. I know that you want to be discreet but it is killing me because I can't tell my best friend, especially since we all work together. I have no one to talk to about this and how I feel about you. I am dying to see you again. Kissing you woke me up from my lonely fog. It seems so natural. I don't know what to do next. I told you my biggest fear is that I'll fall in love with you. I hope I didn't freak you out. But I can absolutely feel that would happen even though we are in completely opposite places in out lives. I am so anxious waiting to hear from you again. I know that you will be away for a few days and I can't wait until Monday to come. I want to see you before that. I know that your birthday is on Saturday and you will probably be busy. I am hoping we'll see each other on Friday. The waiting is killing me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm smoking too much, drinking too much coffee. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. All I know is that I will die if you don't kiss me again. I want you inside of me. I don't want to be in my life anymore, I want to be in yours. It seems so bittersweet because I can see the end while we've barely begun. I feel so sad. We fit so well together. I have NEVER felt this way about anyone before. Where do we go from here? When will I see you? I am dying inside.
I wanted to marry you so bad and now that I have sometimes I feel it
was the biggest mistake of my life. what happened to the man I married?
Why do you have to cut me down and make me miserable? Im not her so
stop treating me like her.
Baby I love you more than you could ever know. I know
that I have been a grump lately and I've been hard on
you about everything. I love you for trying to be
patient with me and for staying with me and most of
all, I love you for loving me despite all my
craziness. I promise you right now that I will try to
be better. I will try to cut you some slack (because
you aren't perfect). I hate fighting with you and
lately, it seems like that's all we do. Today when we
fought, you told me that you feel like crap because
you feel like you can never make me happy. That broke
my heart. I love you so much, more than I could ever
express. I know we haven't been together that long,
but I truly believe that we are meant to be together.
I know that if I ever lost you, it would devastate me.
Thanks once again for putting up with my bitchiness.
You are most amazing guy in the world and I truly
could not ask for more in a soulmate. I love you with
all my heart sweetness.
All I have ever wanted, since you left to be with that tramp, to be officially divorced. You kept stalling, thinking I'd be waiting around for you when you finally got tired of her. I've spent the past two and a half years worrying that you're destroying my credit, that you'll take off with our son and I won't be able to do anything because we don't have an official custody agreement. You treat me like shit. I don't love you. I've even finally met someone who treats me better than you ever did.
So how come tonight when you said we should finally go see a lawyer my stomach dropped? Why aren't I jumping for joy?
I want to replace you minoxodel (sp?) with water just so you realize what a big waste of money it is. But I can't because: a) it would be wrong and b) I wish you had more hair too.
I saved every email and letter you sent me from Iraq. I still look at them from time to time to remind me how much you loved me and wanted me then. It couldn't happen cause you were so far away. Now that we have each other you never say any of the things you did in the letters. I wait every day to hear that I'm beautiful or how much you love me. And I never hear it unless I say it first. I don't feel quite as special to you any more. The sex rarely last more than just a few minutes these days. Not that long ago we would go for hours at a time. A few times a day. I'm not sure how to feel about our relationship anymore. I know I love you and I don't want to be with out you. But I'm not sure what to do about this anymore.
I'm sorry I feel this way.
This is a forewarning. If I find one more encrusted booger on the shower wall I will start digging for gold myself and depositing them under your pillow. I do not believe you when you say they are not yours. Every time you shower I can hear you blowing your nose in there. You big gross liar you!