Thursday, March 01, 2007

True Wife Confession 163 is not divisible by 3

Confession #1621

You are a good, kind, true man. We have been best friends, wonderful friends for over a year now. You put up with me even when I drive myself crazy with all my talking and thinking. You are nothing but supportive and understanding. You really listen when I talk and know when I'm telling you important stuff. You never tell me to "shut the f*ck up" although I think sometimes I must push you right to that point and beyond. I can tell you anything. You make me laugh and smile in a zillion different ways. You can diffuse my anger or bad mood in an instant. You can be so incredibly tender with just a word or touch that I well up with tears in 30 seconds. I am overwhelmed sometimes at how quickly you manage to reach that spot inside me that I keep so well protected. You are amazing. And yet I have to keep reminding you that I need to hear certain things from you. Not every day. Not every minute. Not every week even. But for god's sake, would it kill you once in while to tell me that you are looking forward to seeing me? Would it be too much for you to ask me one time if we could have lunch together? I always have to ask. I need to hear that you are looking forward to the next time we can make love. I need to hear these things. You need to say them. I don't know how many different ways I can tell you this. You communicate more by what you don't say. You assume that some things are just given, just are and that I clearly understand that. I don't. There are crazy, crazy self-doubts in my head. I am working very hard to dispell them and you have helped a great deal with that. You believe in me more than I do in myself sometimes. But, honey, until the gremlins in my head are all gone, can you just tell me what I need to hear........please?

Confession #1622

I'm not the suspicious type. If you say you'll do something, I take you at your word. Even when you used to lie about going to class and instead went to your sister's to sleep. Even when you swore you quit smoking but I still smelled it on you. I have to see it with my own eyes before I believe you're lying. But that stuff was more about you afraid of getting in trouble (like I'm your mom, for crissake). I still trust you. We have what I think is a great marriage and a pretty damn good sex life. I have never suspected you of infidelity before, but now I wonder if I should.

I used your computer today to check for school delays because it was on and mine takes forever to warm up. I found porn all over your computer and a recent hit on a hotel website in your history. You've gone away "with the guys" for the weekend. What the hell am I supposed to think?

I can't figure out if I'm being paranoid or stupid.

Which is it?

Confession #1623

When we were young, I remember loving you in a deep place. So deep that I had more love for you than I had for anyone ever, including my parents. I used to marvel at it.

Now, I there is just an absence of emotion when you come to mind. I have contributed to this misery by my ignorance about life and men and my blind faith in you all this time. You created this through your chronic recreational drug use and overall selfishness. Tonight, we fought before you left because you are going out with your friend and I asked you to be home by 1:00. In your typical childish way "I'm the boss of me" attitude, you refused and said that you'd be home whenever you felt like it.

Ok. I remember all the nights this year that you stayed out until 5,6,7 in the morning with friends. I even remember the one time that you didn't come home at all - until 10:30. You said you blacked out. All I know is that I was worried out of my mind. Lately you've been saying how you're determined to change, committed to being a better husband. Well, hell, START TONIGHT. I don't know any other husbands who do what they want carte least not any happily married ones. If you want us to have a good relationship, start by having some consideration of my feelings.

What pisses me off the most is that you act like all this shit that you've inflicted on me is in the diiiiiiiistant past, like 10 years ago or something. You're not open to talking about any of because its such ancient history to you. No darling, the majority of your bullshit - the cocaine, the heavy drinking, staying out late, coming home and puking your guts out -- waking me up in the middle of night at least 3 nights a week, the "friends," the lies, the money disappearing - all of that was in the past 2 years babe. So when I bring it up and you accuse me of being a martyr for wanting to talk about it, its incredibly infuriating. Maybe you want me to feel as crazy as you act. It's working.

You know what? Inside, I laugh. Whenever you call me a martyr, I LOVE IT. Know why? Because it means that you're totally in the dark about how much my feelings have changed toward you. Sure, I used to give to you even when I had NOTHING for myself. I was so co-dependent on you that I had trouble figuring out where you ended and I begun. Not anymore.

I'M NOT A MARTYR. While I appear to put up with your bullshit and occasionally complain about it to you (with vain hopes that you'll rectify what you're doing), I'm not in this forever. NO SIR. Every time you give me attitude about such simple things, it confirms that you and I are not meant to last. You are sooooo sadly mistaken if you think that I'm going to spend the rest of my time here on earth with someone I actually have to negotiate with every time he goes out about what time he'll be home. You act like you are doing me a FAVOR when you succumb to my wishes about really simple things, things that any wife should expect. Screw you, jerk. You will be free to do Whatever. You. Please. 24 hours a day, 7 days per week once I get myself together -- and by that, I mean my education and my money.

Yep, my mom knows! Ha! YES, every last &%$ing thing you've put me through, she knows. And she backs me up 100%. What, did you think I'd stay silent forever? ...And I save my money on the side. And I will finish school. And when I feel that I have enough, I won't care what time you'll be coming home because I'll be with someone who I would never even think of having that conversation with, because it won't be necessary. So go ahead, stay out as late as you want honey. I've finally realized something: You're right, no one can tell you what to do.

Confession #1624

I never in a million years thought that this would ever become a reality. I have always had a crush on you since last year. You were the only guy (not related to me) that seemed genuinely interested in touching my belly. The union party was so much fun, but then you kissed her and I became so jealous. Fast forward to this year and we grew closer when we got back to work. We would flirt all the time. Everyone warned me that you were a player but I never once believed that. There is something about you that has always felt so familiar, like I've known you forever. Had a great time at happy hour last week and texting you on the way home. I was blown away when you suggested that I "come out hang out" with you. It all became a blur but we made plans to meet. I felt like it was our first date. We just totally fit. I had so much fun. I feel like I can be totally honest with you. I know that you want to be discreet but it is killing me because I can't tell my best friend, especially since we all work together. I have no one to talk to about this and how I feel about you. I am dying to see you again. Kissing you woke me up from my lonely fog. It seems so natural. I don't know what to do next. I told you my biggest fear is that I'll fall in love with you. I hope I didn't freak you out. But I can absolutely feel that would happen even though we are in completely opposite places in out lives. I am so anxious waiting to hear from you again. I know that you will be away for a few days and I can't wait until Monday to come. I want to see you before that. I know that your birthday is on Saturday and you will probably be busy. I am hoping we'll see each other on Friday. The waiting is killing me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm smoking too much, drinking too much coffee. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. All I know is that I will die if you don't kiss me again. I want you inside of me. I don't want to be in my life anymore, I want to be in yours. It seems so bittersweet because I can see the end while we've barely begun. I feel so sad. We fit so well together. I have NEVER felt this way about anyone before. Where do we go from here? When will I see you? I am dying inside.

Confession #1625

I wanted to marry you so bad and now that I have sometimes I feel it
was the biggest mistake of my life. what happened to the man I married?
Why do you have to cut me down and make me miserable? Im not her so
stop treating me like her.

Confession #1626

Baby I love you more than you could ever know. I know
that I have been a grump lately and I've been hard on
you about everything. I love you for trying to be
patient with me and for staying with me and most of
all, I love you for loving me despite all my
craziness. I promise you right now that I will try to
be better. I will try to cut you some slack (because
you aren't perfect). I hate fighting with you and
lately, it seems like that's all we do. Today when we
fought, you told me that you feel like crap because
you feel like you can never make me happy. That broke
my heart. I love you so much, more than I could ever
express. I know we haven't been together that long,
but I truly believe that we are meant to be together.
I know that if I ever lost you, it would devastate me.
Thanks once again for putting up with my bitchiness.
You are most amazing guy in the world and I truly
could not ask for more in a soulmate. I love you with
all my heart sweetness.

Confession #1627

All I have ever wanted, since you left to be with that tramp, to be officially divorced. You kept stalling, thinking I'd be waiting around for you when you finally got tired of her. I've spent the past two and a half years worrying that you're destroying my credit, that you'll take off with our son and I won't be able to do anything because we don't have an official custody agreement. You treat me like shit. I don't love you. I've even finally met someone who treats me better than you ever did.
So how come tonight when you said we should finally go see a lawyer my stomach dropped? Why aren't I jumping for joy?

Confession #1628

I want to replace you minoxodel (sp?) with water just so you realize what a big waste of money it is. But I can't because: a) it would be wrong and b) I wish you had more hair too.

Confession #1629

I saved every email and letter you sent me from Iraq. I still look at them from time to time to remind me how much you loved me and wanted me then. It couldn't happen cause you were so far away. Now that we have each other you never say any of the things you did in the letters. I wait every day to hear that I'm beautiful or how much you love me. And I never hear it unless I say it first. I don't feel quite as special to you any more. The sex rarely last more than just a few minutes these days. Not that long ago we would go for hours at a time. A few times a day. I'm not sure how to feel about our relationship anymore. I know I love you and I don't want to be with out you. But I'm not sure what to do about this anymore.
I'm sorry I feel this way.

Confession #1630

This is a forewarning. If I find one more encrusted booger on the shower wall I will start digging for gold myself and depositing them under your pillow. I do not believe you when you say they are not yours. Every time you shower I can hear you blowing your nose in there. You big gross liar you!


Anonymous said...

1621- could you be just a little bit MORE needy? Geesh cut the guy some slack. So he doesn't say it. HE SHOWS IT. What you wanna write him a script now of all that he needs to SAY to you so you feel happy?

Man, I feel sorry for the dude. He should not be responsible for your sole happiness, comfort, security and solving the crazy self-doubts in your head.

Make yourself happy.

Anonymous said...

#1622- spyware installed on that computer would answer all of your questions...unless you wanna believe the lies you know are coming out of his mouth. You should never accept lies because you want to trust and prove you trust. You smelled smoke on him but he's not lying right? He did quit. He swears he did. And he never cheated. nope.

Might I suggest googling "spyware"?

Anonymous said...

I COMPLETELY agree with 3:01

Thats all I could think when I was done reading

OneWritingMomma said...

#1622-spyware is a wonderful thing. Had it on my computer to bust my now ex. He started with the porn constantly too.

Anonymous said...

1621-Wow, you ain't jokin', you do have gremlins in your head. Hopefully your guy will still be around when and if they vacate that crazy head of yours. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

1624- Wow. That could be my story. I'm glad I'm not the only one!

Anonymous said...

1622 - You are not paranoid or supid. You have a very legitimate reason to be suspicious. I hope it turns out to be nothing. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

#1624 I don't want to be in my life anymore, I want to be in yours.

Am I the only one who totally cringed when I read that!?!??! Egads....

Anonymous said...

I am #1621. You are all so right. I was feeling very needy when I wrote that and it was a very bad time. Once I wrote that I was able to take a step back and get some much needed perspective. The man in question didn't need to hear all that craziness but I needed to write it and get it out. That's the beauty and the benefit of this site. Sometimes we write not so the other person will listen but so we will listen to ourselves. Thank you.

Anonymous said...


My man brushes his teeth in the shower. So, when I find his boogers on the walls and doors, I use his toothbrush to clean them off. :)

1621: Glad you realize that he was telling you how he felt, just not verbally.

Anonymous said...

#1629: Do you think it is possible he is suffering from depression? Or maybe that he feels distant from you because his war experiences have changed him and he feels like you wouldn't understand because you weren't there with him?

I hope things improve for you both soon.

Anonymous said...

1629: Depression is a possible answer, but post-traumatic stress disorder is too. Either way, it's very common for soldiers coming back from deployment to have difficulty adjusting. Please consider getting him some help. Is there someone on base you could talk to?

Anonymous said...

i posted 1629.. things were fine until we moved in together a few months ago. he got back from iraq 3 years ago. he is no longer in the army. sometimes i wonder if there is someone else. or if he is bored with me.

Anonymous said...

1629 - I agree with the other comments. Maybe your man is depressed.

I have been back from my deployment for 5 months. When I first got back the only thing I wanted was TO BE LEFT ALONE TO HAVE SOME PRIVACY. While deployed the ONLY time I was alone was when I was in the bathroom.

While I am now finally getting back to a place where I want to be around people a lot, it takes a lot of time.

Also, I called and emailed my friends and family all the time. But now that I am back and can see them whenever, that stuff doesn't seem as dire. He doesn't miss you because you're right there.

1627 - change is scary, that is why you aren't jumping for joy.

1630 - how many people are using this shower that he thinks he can blame it one someone else? My ex used to always say, "Somebody did this or did that..." I'd be like "Look asshole, it's just me and you here, so, obviously, you're blaming me." He accused me of moving his stuff around in the bathroom until one day he caught HIMSELF doing it. Maybe you need to sit in the bathroom and when he blows his nose scream out "ah ha" and scare the shit out of him while proving your point. Or as suggested, clean the shower with his toothbrush.

Anonymous said...

1622 - not all guys that look at porn are cheating.

Anonymous said...

you are if we feel violated when you do it.

Cheating doesn't have to be the physical act of having sex. it just doesn't.

Anonymous said...

I never understood how someone can feel violated when their mate looks at porn.

I am sad so many women have such low self esteem that they feel they their man must have his eyes set on you and only you.

That's how ya'll end up alone.

Anonymous said...

1629--Please understand, he came back from a very difficult, horrifying experience. Is he depressed? Anxious? Don't nag him about it, watch him and understand him, comfort him and support him patiently. Let him trust you and hopefully he'll open up and you guys will get better. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

1624 - I guess it's been a couple of weeks now since you wrote that confession. How'd it turn out?

That bad, huh?

Anonymous said...

#1624: Gee, that sounds really healthy. Let us know how it goes....

I'm a little worried about you, because you say you're not sleeping, you're smoking too much, drinking too much coffee... something healthy wouldn't drive you to distraction necessarily.

What you need to remember is that it isn't his validation that means you're wonderful. It's your own inner sense of worth. Whether he decides he wants to be with you or not, you are who you are, and it's up to you to love yourself.

I hope he calls back. Unless he is a player, in which case I *know* you'll find someone better.


The Fury said...

Fuck! Reading this site is like getting hit in the head with a brick, only more eloquent and heartbreaking. (sigh) I'm hooked...but should I be?

Anonymous said...

1630...isn't it the MOST disgusting habit ever? I cringe when I hear my husband blowing his nose in the shower. He laughs and says it goes down the drain anyway...yet the other night during bath my 8 year old held up his arm and said 'ewwww, what's that?' Yup, daddy's nasty booger. I about threw up!!! I am tempted to use anon 7:20's advice and use his damn toothbrush to scrape up any leftovers.