Confessions #1541
I wrote to your TWC site back in August ’06, and today is the first time I’m going back to read my post. Turns out, I am #495. Here now is an update…
After reading what I wrote almost 6 months ago, I can’t believe how much I have learned about you, my darling husband, and why you changed. Do you wan to know why you turned into someone I didn’t find sexy? It was because of me.
Your backbone softened because I emasculated you.
You went into defense mode because I was always doubting you, insinuating you did something wrong, or that you didn’t do whatever it was I asked of you at all.
And the reason you don’t do anything I ask you to, is because no matter what you do, I tell you how you could have done it better or I critique you the entire time you do it.
And to think that all the while, you still told me that you loved me every single day, chased me around the house trying to grab my “80-pounds-heavier-than-when-we-got-married” ass, and cuddled with me every morning before getting out of bed, of your own volition.
In trying to find out how I could change you back to how you were when we first got married, I discovered that it was my actions that changed you from being that wonderful man you were. Once I’d discovered that, I decided that it was more important for me to be happy than it was for me to be right. I decided to not only change my ways, but to also tell you that I recognized that I’d done all those things, told you how very sorry I was (and I continue to tell you), and thanked you so very much for adoring me in spite of it.
And guess what - you’re back now. The man that I first met who was just so easy going, confident, and helpful without my asking has returned. When I’m being miserable about my weight, you tell me I’m too hard on myself and that I’m gorgeous, and that you find me to be the sexiest woman you’ve ever met. You do every ounce of laundry, folding it too, without complaint. You run errands for me, get me something to drink, and call me when I’m about to leave work to see if there’s something you can make me for dinner.
And I can’t wait to see how unbelievable you will be as a dad… I fall in love with you a little bit more each time I just think about it.
Not many people these days can honestly say they are madly in love with their spouse, and I’m proud to be one of those women. You’re back, the man I married, and I promise to never crush your spirit ever again. You are fabulous, I love and adore you, and I am so incredibly lucky to have you for the rest of my life.
Confessions #1542
I know that you don't get off like you used to after your surgery for
stones. I get it...the doctors cut your nerves but your equipment still
works...it just takes longer to get off! So how come you think that now you
have to be boring in bed? Now I have to touch myself inside of you. You are
there when I do and you get hard but you don't ever put it in me! Yes, you
give me plenty of touch and kisses and you caress me enough BUT I still want
you inside me. Just because you have to use your hand to have and orgasim
doesn't mean that you can't ever but it inside me! I love you. You are my
best friend and believe it or not we can talk about anything! I tell you
what I need and you listen to me but for whatever reason, you have never
acted on being better in bed? I tell you about it but nothing ever changes.
I guess I will just have to keep trying. You are the only one I want to be
with so I guess for right now, we will just have to use my buddy instead of
yours!
Confessions #1543
I have to confess -- I really did see your truck by the house when I left yesterday. I just didn't want to traipse all the way down to the garden just to say goodbye. Instead, I pretended to not know that you wee home. It just wasn't worth the trip down there just for a mere peck. Sorry
Confessions #1544
Dear husband...and I use the term loosely. Thank you for cheating on me 3 years ago. You admitted you were jealous after our daughter was born, the time and attention she needed made you feel neglected you said. Too bad you couldn't be bothered to help me with her so I could have more time for you. Our beautiful daughter that you begged me for years to become pregnant with. Believe me, she is the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you for asking me to give up my career and my income so "we" can raise our child while you hand me a $100 bill now and then for household expenses like diapers, groceries or toothpaste. Thank you for running us into financial ruin, spending money on everyone, girlfriends, dinners, drugs, booze, cars, especially yourself but not me or your daughter. You confessed, you are sick and have to have other women even though you say I'm beautiful, smart and classy. You tell me all the time, I make you look good. For who? Thank you for trashing my credit because you have this extravagant lifestyle you want to keep to impress everyone. Thank you for treating me like a possession, arm candy a trophy wife. Thank you because you have taught me this is not love and my daughter and I deserve so much more. Now that I have hired a lawyer, I realize there will be nothing left to support your daughter. I'm not bitter, I just have to thank you for teaching me a life lesson, I have grown and I'm a better person for it. I'm stronger now than ever. I'm happy I can go out and support myself and my daughter, continue to love and appreciate her as I always have. Thank you soon to be ex husband!
Confessions #1545
I am not married. I am divorced. I am a rape survivor.
I contracted herpes when I was raped in college. I
slid into depression. After my divorce, I lived with a
man who treated me very badly. He tried to kill me
when he found out I was cheating on him. He pointed a
gun at me and called me names. Still, I stayed, even
when he threatened me, even when he called me a fucked
up cunt. Finally, he left. I have tried to kill myself
three times now. Even today, I still think about how
I'm going to do it right next time. I slept with men
to stay in control. I slept with them without telling
them about my herpes as a revenge against the one who
raped me. I still don't know who it was. I was drunk
and couldn't fight back. I am in counseling now. My
ex-husband pities me. My ex-boyfriend hates me. And I
am deathly afraid of trusting another man. I fear I
will never have a clean slate. I fear I will always be
the cheating slut my ex says I am.
Confessions #1546
Your best friend is a fucking great kisser. And I wish I knew how great of a fuck he was. But I can't do it because I love you. Even though you deserve it. After all the times you did it to me. And I know we're supposed to be rebuilding but I would rather just take a day and kiss him sometimes. He remembered my birthday and remembered a gift I said I wanted SIX MONTHS AGO and got it for me despite us not talking for 6 months. He should give you lessons. And I wish he found me first. Sometimes. Other times, you're all I want. Where's the guy I married?
Confessions #1547
Sometimes I read through the Missed Connections in the newspaper in hopes of seeing a guy looking for me. I know you love me, but I miss being wanted and longed for.
Confessions #1548
If you loved me as much as you say, this wouldn't have happened. Running away does not make the problem go away. Although I wish it did. Because, after all this time, I thought we'd be together until the end. Little do you know, I'm happy. With or without you in my life, I can do this. A little piece of my heart thanks you for not being strong enough because I've found someone who can make me laugh. Sometimes I still lay awake at night thinking about you, thinking about all of your possessions in the back of my closet. But I realize, we were never as happy as we made it seem. I waited when you moved 1000 miles south. I drove 7 hours to see you on weekends. But there was nothing here for you. Love wasn't enough I guess. I'm experiencing life. I'm trying new things. And I've never smiled so much. So I hope you still think about me, and wonder how I am. Perhaps one day we'll find each other again.
Confessions #1549
I confess -- I'm actually glad that you don't want to go visit my family with me. It will be a much less stressful trip without you there. So I'm absolutely delighted to be traveling without you, dear husband.
Confessions #1550
I still miss you. No contact since August - but I think about you every day. It is getting less painful, but I wonder if the hurt will ever truly go away. The stories always end with the people who are in love being together - but our story will never end that way. If you emailed, if you called - I don't think I would be strong enough to turn you away. Thank you for knowing this about me. It may be stupid but I view your silence as a gift to me.
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12 comments:
To Confession #1545,
Keep your head up. Please dont try and kill yourself again. I know you seem alone but your not. Your not a bad person.. you didnt know anything else. I know u didnt really mean to hurt anyone. Focus on yourself and dont worry about your ex. He was hurt to say those things to you. Stay in therapy that is a good idea. Again keep your head up your not alone a lot of women out there make mistakes but most dont tell a soul about them. Your not alone
1545: we have a lot in common. I was raped in college and contracted herpes. I was married to 2 different men who treated my badly. I have been depressed, and have considered suicide. I have gone to counseling.
The counseling worked for me. Today, I am happily married and am employed as a university professor. Thoughts of suicide no longer enter my mind. So a better life IS possible. Stick with the counseling. You can make it, too.
To 1541: Wow, I could have written that. A big kudos to you for realizing that you were emasculating your husband. I am currently doing the same thing to my boyfriend of 7 years.
I've known for quite awhile that I need to step back and not control every single aspect of his life. But it's been hard to let go. After all, his life is my life and my life is his life. Everything he does affects me in one way or another. So I wanted total control.
But seeing your confession in black and white opened my eyes. I now realize that I need to relinquish some control, loosen up, and let my man be himself.
Thank you.
1545:
Sweetie, it's not your fault. You were not only raped physically but mentally. Until you can get yourself back, you will chose horrible men and treat other men badly. PLEASE stay in counseling. It will help you! You deserve to have a good life and not let that horrible man take your life away. It will be better.
1545:
I'm so sorry you had to, and continue to have to, go through that. The way you reacted is not uncommon.
I'm glad you're in counseling. Keep your chin up, babe. You are not alone.
1545 - PLEASE stay in therapy. PLEASE discuss your suicidal thoughts with your counsellor. anon 4:03 is right - it's not just a physical attack, but a mental one. AND IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Rape is NOT YOUR FAULT.
But hurting other people is hurting you - so you need to be able to change this behaviour, you need to be able to deal with what happened to you. Talk to your counsellor, talk to your family if you can, just KEEP GETTING HELP.
anon 1:11 I say with all sincerity GOOD FOR YOU. Let's hope 1545 can find the same comfort and happiness you did. My thoughts and well wishes are with you both.
#1550: I know all about the no-contact rule. My ex is a crack addict...a beautiful, witty, intelligent man who happens to be a high-function crack addict...and I finally wised up and decided that I couldn't live with the insanity of his addiction any longer. It's only been a little over a month of no contact for me, but it's so hard. And I know it's hard for him, too, but I see it as you do...he's doing me a favor in the long run. And maybe my silence will allow him to work on his own problems.
Stay strong.
I am 1545. Thank you for your kind words. I plan on staying in counseling for as long as I need it. I only regret that I didn't go sooner. Recognizing my behavior as harmful and gaining an understanding of why I did it (doesn't make it right though) has left me with a desire to change. I am not ready for another relationship at this time. Thank you again for your kind words. 1:11 - thank you so much. Knowing that it worked out for someone gives me hope for myself.
To 1545 and all of those who left kind and encouraging words...THANK YOU! I have been a fan of this site for almost a year now and have confessed once. I need to confess again. But, sometimes us woman can be judgemental and I'm so happy to see positive thoughts. 1545, I only wish you the best. Remain strong and don't worry, when the time is right, a good man will come to you.
1545- good for you for deciding to take back your power. Don't let the rapist ever have power over you again. You can have the blank slate the second you decide you're worth it -- and you are.
1541: After seeing myself push my husbands buttons, fighting with him to the point of violence, I realized that I had to make a change if I wanted to make our marriage last. I realized just how much I loved him and how my behavior was bringing him down. Once I made that decision our life together has been much more peaceful, more loving. Good for you for realizing what you were doing. I hope you have a wonderful life together!
#1541 - kudos to you for recognizing the problem and trying to resolve it.
#1542 - keep talking - maybe your husband will listen. Most men I know don't like to admit to or talk about sexual problems. Keep trying. I hope he listens.
#1547 - seems so simple, doesn't it? To just be wanted and longed for? At the end of they day I just want someone to put their arms around me and be close to me like men and women are supposed to be close. The need for attention and the utter lack of it drives me to big fits of uncontrollable tears sometimes. I hope you find what you are looking for.
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