i have no problem with the little things. the lack of help cleaning or
picking up after yourself. the strange habits you have. i've had female
roommates who have been much harder to live with. i understand that we are
bound to get on each other's nerves from time to time. i know it makes you
happy when i keep the house nice. that's one of the only things that prompts
appreciation from you.
what i cannot understand is your controlling attitude that popped up after
we got married. during that first year you checked my mileage, phone calls,
and bank account to make sure i wasn't hiding things from you. i wasn't. but
now i am, because i realize that you are not reasonable. i wish i could tell
you that i keep in touch with a couple ex-boyfriends, but i'm scared of what
you would do. when i got a ride home from work last friday, you flipped out
because it was from a GUY, instead of seeing it as a favor to both of us.
I knew when I heard the sound of your voice tonight. I hate the way you sound. I hate the things you say. I hate your attitude. I hate that I try so hard to get you to snap out of it. I hate that I take it and don't tell you how I really feel.
Why do I think this time will be different? You sent me an email after our conversation last night thanking me. We had a wonderful conversation. We both expressed our views. We both enjoyed it. We made plans. Tonight, you don't even make sense. You treat me like crap. Our plans don't matter. I don't matter. What does matter?
You have a problem. The problem isn't me. It isn't us. It isn't the things I say. It isn't because you're angry. It isn't frustration. It's one small thing. Fix this one thing, and we'll be great. It's just one thing!
Everything going in the right direction. We're where we want to be. I just hate days like these. I don't deserve this. If only you could see yourself, hear yourself. You've got to do something before it's too late!
I hate you like this. I hate you when you're drunk!
So here's mine:
For a long chunk of our three years together, I had doubts about whether I
was really ready to settle down. I even doubted if it was to be with you.
But you proved your true colors during our latest big crisis. You proved to
me that you were willing to stand behind me and do what it took to keep me
sane and happy. You showed me that you love me as much as I love you and
that you don't want a life without me. I knew you were scared about every
part of this. You were wondering how the fuck we were going to do it with
you being the sole provider. But you didn't flinch once at the thought of us
having to pick up our "kids" and starting an altogether new life.
Now that we're over it, I can't help but feel we've grown another step
closer. We have been through hell and back these past couple weeks. You have
put up with more than most anyone else would have. Now when I come home late
after a grueling lecture, it doesn't matter how tired I am. I stay awake as
long as possible so I can watch you sleep. So I can remember just how lucky
I am to have you in my life.
I love you.......
I confess that I hate you right now! I hate you, hate you, hate you! The sight of you makes me sick! I don't want to see you, smell you you or have you breathing my air! The very fact that you think calling me during the day "just to tell me you love me" makes me want to gag! And then want to throw a shoe at you! You are a selfish lying jerk who deserves to be slapped for hurting me! I however deserve better than you! You are lucky to have me! Lucky to have someone who can overlook the fact that you are fat, have bad teeth, and smell like B.O.!!
Even more lucky that I love you and want to try and work through the fact that you have "somehow" lost thousands of dollars, almost lost us our house if it weren't for me stepping in to take care of business, and are now "addicted" to internet porn! BS! No one is "addicted" to playing with themselves! You know what? I'm addicted too!! Yeah! Addicted! To thinking about slamming your head into the headboard while you sleep! I can't seem to get the thought out of my mind! I must be "addicted".
How dare you? How dare you leave your porn all over our computer for me to find, after I told you how it made me feel? The very fact that YOU made ME feel as if I were unattractive to YOU is enough to make me want to strangle you! Yet, I am supposed to feel sorry for you, because of your "addiction"? Hell no! You have placed my childrens' happiness on the line because you lied to my face about it all!! Damn you for it all! Damn you for me having to look at you every day knowing you might as well have cheated on me! And knowing I won't leave because I won't put my kids through another divorce.
The real confession? I will if you mess with me one more time. Go ahead, hurt me again. I will take everything you have, down to the toilet paper! I am far too intelligent, attractive, hard working, and deserving of good to have you hurt me.
I am sick of crying everyday about the way you make me feel. I am sick of hurting. I know I've gained weight since we've been together, but making me feel crappy about it only makes me feel worse, and even less motivated to do anything about it.
I had a relationship with your husband. He took a job on the road for the last 4 and a half years to escape making a decision about your relationship, but he's still your husband. He told me that he only stayed "married" to help you with your health insurance. I know now that it was a lie. He is incapable of love. I once asked him to name something he liked about me. he couldn't. I stayed with him "even though" as I imagine that you do. Hoping, aching for something better. I am done with him now. I hope you are too. You deserve better -- better than a man that sleeps with women like me while you take care of his house, his dogs and his family. I am sorry. I am so sorry for both you and I.
i wish you would be supportive of my hopes and dreams, but mostly you feel
threatened. i don't know why. we don't converse much when we eat out or
drive together in the car, and if we do it somehow turns into an argument. i
try to talk to you about having our future - buying a house, having kids -
but you give vague answers. you refuse to validate my feelings. you insist
i'm angry/upset when i'm not. nd if i am, you make light of it. if something
doesn't bother you, then it's not real. if you get mad at me, you refuse to
discuss it in a normal tone of voice, and i end up getting the silent
treatment until you're over it. and once you're over it you expect me to be
too and pretend like nothing happened
You claim you want to know what is wrong with our marriage. But every time I try to tell you, you walk away and do not want to hear it.
I have tried to tell you, and I have tried to fix the problems, maybe I am what is wrong. How can I compete with a computer?
You love your computer game more than you love me. You spend every waking hour at home with your computer game, leaving me to find my own entertainment. Leaving me to find my own source of love and affection.
You thought at first that my explorations were a result of something you wanted. However little did you know that my explorations were something I had started months before that first dare?
In my "friends"
I found companionship.
I found passion.
I found caring.
I found love.
I found wonderful sex, mind blowing sex.
I found people willing to spend time with me, willing to hold me, willing to just veg and watch tv with me, willing to take the day for a day trip around the country, or to a play with me.
I found someone willing to spend every waking minute with me if he could.
And I found that really you did not care, as long as you got your sex, and as long as you weren't bothered to stop playing your games.
But I also found heartache, because that person wasn't truthful about what they wanted, and when they were called away everything came crashing down.
You think that I would never have left you for him.
You are wrong. If he would have been truthful, if he would have asked, I would have been gone, and I would have taken everything you say you treasure with me.
Except of course that stupid computer.
Now I am here, in a place I don't care for, with no friends. The no friends is my own doing of course, because I can't bear to be hurt again. I can't bear to have someone tell me that they love me, because they think since I am married I am safe, and that I wont want anything more. I can't bear to be heartbroken again.
I do still love you, but it is a different love now than it was when we first married. It is the love of someone that shares a family with you, and a space with you. But I can't stand for you to touch me. That has nothing to do with my "female problems", it has to do with you.
What hurts the most is if the last one would come back, I would forgive him in a heartbeat, and leave with him. I know its not going to happen so I am doing my best to be with you.
and you wonder why i don't ever want sex. you think i'm crazy when i say
that it's natural for sex to decrease after 8 years of being together. but
why would i want to have sex when i'm angry at you so often? and how can i
even get turned on when you refuse to let me see you naked. you hide in the
bathroom or closet when you get dressed. if i try to touch you anywhere
under your clothes you act like i'm violating you in some way. if for some
reason i'm magically in the mood, you will not come near me unless i've just
taken a shower, like i'm some kind of unclean person. and if we surmount all
those obstacles and actually do have sex, you will only do it in one way.
sometimes in my head i check off your moves as you make them. you are so
damn predicable. and, frankly, boring. is something wrong with me? i'm
young, i work out, i haven't gained weight since we got married...i'm
starting to wonder.
when i express that i'm not happy with our relationship, you say that if i
would just change my attitude there would be no problem. i'm willing to
acknowledge my part, i know i'm not the easiest person to live with, but i
know it's not always me. it's never always just one person, but you're never
wrong. and i can't think of more than 1 or 2 times that you've apologized to
i've tried counseling, but the one time to agreed to go you refused to
participate and then mocked it afterwards, saying it was a complete waste of
time. it is if you refuse to talk. i've tried counseling on my own, but i
always reach the place where i can't continue without your presence, because
our lives are entwined.
i don't know where this relationship can go from here. i'm scared, because a
lot of the time i dread being at home. and i'm starting to be attracted to
other people, people who listen to me and validate me and with whom i can
have actual conversation. i guess i'm just waiting until i reach the point
where i can't handle any more.
I hate the way you deceived me by acting like someone you weren’t. I hate that you changed. I hate the way you treat me. I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the way I treat you because of the pain I feel. I hate that I dread coming home. I hate that I dread that you’ll be there. I hate that I feel like I can’t talk to you. I hate that you don’t talk to me. I hate that you lie. I hate that you do things behind my back. I hate that you try to cover your ass by getting mad at me. I hate that you get pissed off anytime I want to express my feelings. I hate that you make me feel like I can’t cry. I hate that you brush me aside when it comes to working things out. I hate that you avoid me. I hate that you don’t touch me. I hate that you don’t express your feelings the way you used to. I hate that I feel obligated to please you all the time. I hate that my life has become all about you. I hate that you still have a life without me. I hate that I’m jealous of you. I hate that you won’t be intimate unless I’m wearing the right outfit. I hate that I feel like you don’t love me for me. I hate that I feel like I’m never going to be good enough. I hate that you feel like your life would be better if I weren’t here. I hate that you feel spiteful towards me. I hate that you wish you never met me. I hate that you wish you were alone. I hate that we can’t be happy. I hate that I’m unhappy. I hate that I have changed to suit you. But most of all I hate that I still care.