Sometimes I wonder--even though I love you so much...is it possible
for me to stay with you when I don't like nor trust your friends?
i am in love with someone. a woman.
i know. i can't believe it either.
the surprising thing is that loving her doesn't make me love you any less.
i still want you. i still need you . i still love you.
but somedays i feel like i will die if i can't have you both.
Sometimes I look at you and just want you to disappear, for every memory I have of you to be erased from my mind. I want to go back in time and never meet you. I want to be the person that I am in my mind. The one who is happy, and social and successful. Not this woman who is a prisoner to her marriage, to her children. The woman who lives in the computer, who has no identity, who doesn't have a chance in hell if you were to leave her.
I love you, I really do, but I hate you even more sometimes.
You seem to have sucked every ounce of confidence from my soul. I can't make a decision for fear that it will be the WRONG decision in your eyes. I can't make myself into anything more than a piece of furniture in this crooked house.
I love you I REALLY do, but sometimes I think you are evil... sometimes I think you KNOW we'd both be better people if we weren't together.... I think you feel the same way I do. I think you want to go back in time and undo us, and be the person that you wish you could be.
I really do love you....
I know that you don't understand why I am so crabby sometimes. I know that you tolerate it or ignore it. All I can tell you is that I am trying to get better - I really, really am. There are just things inside me I can't quite control yet, so I try to shield you from my demons until I can get them locked back up. It's coming, it truly is - I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. I love you sweetie.
I always wondered if, because you are younger than me, you had an idealistic
view of love. You assured me that mine was simply tainted by my past and it
was real true deep love. I just went in to kiss you goodnight and you were
asleep, dreaming , smiling. I kissed you on the forehead and you awoke,
horrified. Not 2 weeks ago you would have both smiled and slept deeper for
that kiss. I don't know what is happening. I know sometimes I can be
horrible but I'm having a tough time. Where has it all gone? Where. To ideal
heaven??? I just feel like an idiot for believing in these fanciful dreams
in the first place. I asked you to tell me you don't love me and you said
you don't "like" me. Thanks for throwing me a bone.
This morning when we were driving into work together I told you that your
incessant criticism, nitpicking and putdowns were making me miserable, and
you said that I was selfish and that I wasn't pulling my weight in the
family. OMG, that hurt so much! And then, when I said that comments like
that are exactly what I was talking about, and that you were turning our
commute into something I dread every morning, you said that if I hate it so
much, I should just take the bus in the morning. And when I jumped out of
the car at the next stop light and slammed the door, you just drove away.
I think that was the lowest point we've ever reached in our marriage. I feel
lost and terrified. And I feel disgusted at what we've become.
yes 1552 and 1560 were the same person....and to the other military wives who said that i gave you a bad name...thats fine. you will never know my situation. you will never know the pain he did to me for years.i called him selfish in bed, because he was. i wrote here to get that off my chest...not to be called names. and for the one who said i should have divorced him i am in the process of that. i never thought that i would be the military wife who cheated.....i never thought that i deserved anything better than what he could give me. yes i know that the other man has faults. i do see them. but he also sees mine. we have both learned what we do and do not want in another person. we both know that there is a lot of work ahead of us. but we are willing to do that. and as for my deployed husband....he was never willing to be anything that i needed him to be. i know that i am not blameless. i know what i have done wrong and i am sorry that i hurt him. but like i said in the beginning...you will never know my exact situation or the pain he caused me.....i just needed to get that off my mind for a little while. i already call my self all the names you think...just remember that i was not here to be judged...just to be heard...
I hate you and everything about you. The only reason I don't cheat on you is because it is a sin. I am happy when I think of leaving you. You are a pathetic alcoholic. If you hate your path of life right now then YOU will have to change it, but you won't because you are too lazy. I would give anything to NOT have married you.
You disgust me and I am using our tax refund to leave you.
A few months ago I thought I was happy, I really did. I don't know if I just brainwashed myself into thinking so or maybe I actually was? I would have married you in a heartbeat, I was waiting for the proposal ever since we found out we were having another child. Waited and waited and nothing ever happened.
We remained happy, I stuck by your side, did everything for you, ran the household, took care of the kids, pets, and yet you distanced yourself always remained married to the money, to work, to pleasing all your co-workers and never your own family. Sure you spent money on me, but that isn't what a woman truly needs and longs for.
You asked something of me nobody should ever ask of someone who they claim to love...that is to be with another person. I resisted for the longest time, and yet you persisted. I hated you for that, you made me feel so unwanted, not good enough, not sexy enough, not what you really needed. You made me feel as though a third party had to be involved in our sex life for it to be good. This person isn't even female...its male. What kind of real man wants to see their lover be satisfied by another man? I will never understand that. But here I am guilty of meeting that man, I gave in. Ironically, in a way I'm glad I did.
The last few months I have been so incredibly happy. I never knew what it was to feel love like this. To feel this intense feeling of desire, attraction, passion, lust. Whether it lasts a day or a year I'll be happy I experienced it, yet at the same time sad, because once again I'll go back to my mundane life with you pretending as though I'm in love and happy. You could never satisfy my needs like he does, I'm sorry to say that but it's true. You can never be him and you will never make me feel as good as I do when I'm looking into his eyes.
I hate you for asking me to meet him, I blame you for making me feel so vulnerable for loving someone else. For loving someone who isn't nearly as stable as you. You put me out there to get heartbroken.
You are crushed now because I told you I love the other man,
now of course you want me back,
now of course you realize you fucked up.
Now, you realize what you had...
and now that someone else wants it...
so do you.
Now, you may be too late.
I will always care for you, til the day I die, but you will never be The One. I wish I could love you the way you love me. Life would be much easier that way.