Sometimes I hate you my husband. Deep down I do love you, but you've made a
mess of our lives these past four years. You wanted to own your own company
- that was fine, it was your dream. What wasn't fine was getting us into
over $150,000 in debt in just 3 years. Now we have no way out. You had to go
away to work last month to make extra money for us - just to get by, and you
know what... I don't miss you one bit. I am so full of resentment about our
financial run that it is eating away at me. We owe the tax man so much money
that they might put a lien on our house - or we could go bankrupt and they
can take our house and sell it. Guess what idiot - you do have to pay taxes!
They do catch up with you, now they've caught up with the fact that you
didn't pay a fucking dime in the past year to any of our creditors and now
we're screwed. So when you call and say you miss me and you miss our two
young daughters, I don't feel one bit sorry for you, you made this mess, you
better get us out or I'm gone.
Dear Lazy Husband,
So when you left for deployment I lost the rest of my baby weight. Then I found the man that I was physically attracted to more then you. We had sex and I swallowed for him. Then when I went the club w my friend I found another physically attratctive man that I slept with. I continued to sleep with different men until I found HIM. I am now in love with HIM. and HE loves me. HE treats me better than you could ever. I said we could go to counseling to see if we could salvage our marriage. I lied. I don't want to. I want to leave you and start a life for myself and our children. I know you only know about the last man. And I also know that you don't know that we are in love. I don't want you to know about that. I know you want to know HIS name so that you can ruin HIS career. I will never tell you. I will tell you another man's name before I will ever tell you HIS real name.HE means more to me than you ever did. You put me through hell for 4 years. You made me feel like it was my fault we didn't ever have the boy that you wanted. I told you that I didn't want anymore children. I lied about that also. I want to have HIS babies. And if we can make it work than i will.I feel better.
You want to know why the wound won't heal? Why I continue to get upset every time yet another friend announces her pregnancy? Because in addition to being sad that we won't be trying to start our own family this summer like we thought, I feel like it is my fault. Because I didn't lose weight last year, and I need to, because I'm the one who brought the debt into the marriage that we are still paying off, and it's my fault that the debt tripled last year. So in addition to mourning what won't be, I feel like it is my fault. And I'm afraid that we won't be able to get pregnant for some reason, and it'll be my fault and I'll regret that we're putting it off. That's why I cry every time one of my friends says they are expecting, because not only does it hurt, but I feel guilty too and it's too much to bear.
I have intentionally mis-matched your socks. You are so anal-retentive
that I know it messes up your whole day. Next time, don't piss me off
when I'm putting laundry away. Be grateful that I do it!!!
There is guy at work who I know likes me. I've caught myself daydreaming about it. We chat a bit at work... what makes it complicated is that you work there too, dear hubby. I don't know if I honestly feel guilty about thinking these things. I daydream about being with this guy, I dream about sex that I enjoy - where it doesn't end up with me getting hurt from all the pinching and biting (that turns you on... but NOT all the time for me). Maybe it's just the thought of being on the same wavelength in bed... that we haven't had in such a long time, that is why I've thought about having sex... hell, fucking....this other guy.
If I ever did it... and you found out... I know it would kill you. Literally. You are not the most healthy guy on the planet. Having a bad heart, makes me reconsider taking it any further. But I really wish - if I could get away with it - and not have the concequences... that I really would want to have sex with the other guy. To feel so wanted - it really turns me on. Makes me realize that I've not lost my touch.
But I've not done much more than talk to the guy. I get excited at the thought of him in me. You dear hubby would be clueless - and I'm not sure I could. I'm hesitant. Maybe because I don't want to dip my pen in too much company ink. I just crave having something "different" in my life... spice it up... I just want to be naughty.
I know it doesn't work that way... but god, it's so damn tempting. I wonder if the other guy would want to take it any futher... he's in a relationship... but who knows. I know he's not happy... I kind of wish he'd try to take it to the next level... I want to kiss him. I want to feel him getting hard. I don't even know if has to be sex - just the thrill of the chase is such a turn on.
I really do care about you hubby... but I just don't know if we connect so well on that level. I thought it would get better with communication - but it's more about what turns you on... and I just have to suck up the pain. I think if I could get off on the thrill of the hunt with this other guy... I probably would.
I don't know what is happening with our sex life. I just know it barely clings to existence. You tell me when we talk that you are still attracted to me, and I know you aren't cheating on me and I know you aren't looking at porn, and I think I believe you when you say you are happy with things, but would enjoy more frequent sex. But then, why don't you ever initiate sex? Ever? I don't know what to think and initiating sex feels like one more chore, and I hate that.
You were my hero when I was abandoned while pregnant. You told me I was beautiful when I felt fat and ugly. You told me you loved me and had never even touched me. You came to the hospital the day my daughter was born, took one look at me with my no makeup, hair a mess, bloated beyond belief and told me that you had never seen someone so beautiful in your entire life. I fell in love with you like no other man I have ever loved in my entire life. I felt your kiss all the way to my toes. When my daughter turned 5 months old, we finally did the deed. Then things changed. Feelings changed. I loved you completely with every cell of my being, but your feelings started to change. A year and a half has gone by and now you’re back at my door trying to come in. I let you in once again. But the sex sucks!! How can I teach you that I am not a heavy metal air guitar to be plucked at violently. I am sensitive. My body parts are sensitive. The women who told you it felt good deserve to be hurt because they LIED to you!!. Why? Why can’t it be mind blowing like that first kiss? Why do you have to suck in bed? I’m going to go home and cry now. After I call to hear your sweet voice.
You and our son were gone this weekend. I thought it would be nice to have you guys gone...get things done. It wasn't. I couldn't sleep, the house (regardless of the fact that we have a HUGE dog and two cats) was empty without you. For all the whining I do, I know I have it good. I'm sorry I am such a nag sometimes, but I am truly grateful for the fact that you love me and that we are married, a couple.
I will continue to work on us til' the day I die. You are my other half and I am only so lucky to have found you in this lifetime. I can NOT even begin to fathom what it would be like without you two in my life (and the other little guy on the way as well!).
I love you with all that I am.
Even if I did get a bunch of stuff done, I would have rather had you two home with me messing the house up!
I wish you would do something to actively train the dog. I don't understand why you can't see that yelling at the dog is ineffective. The problem is that we, yes - we, are not consistent. But it makes it worse when you encourage the dog to act in aggressive ways by wrestling with him and not making him go through commands to get what he wants. Just read the stupid training book already!
To my husband, from the beginning i have lied. i was not on birth control like i said. that is how i got pregnant. then i lied when i said that i wanted to marry you. i forced you into the military so that we could have something. i thought that you would realize that you needed me. i thought that being away from your family would let you put me and our child first. never happend. then i wanted the second baby. when we found out it was another girl you made me feel like it was my fault. you were not uspportive throughtout either one of my pregnancies. never once rubbed my feet and even when i was in labor you couldn't step away from your mother long enough to keep rubbing my back during the contractions. we finally were able to live together and you pissed it away. you treated me like shit and our daughters. made me feel like it was my fault we had nothing. you didn't want me to work. we had been together almost 4 yrs before you asked me why i never had an orgasm w you. how can you be that selfish? i was relieved when you left for deployment. i never missed you while you have been gone. yes i lost 20 lbs. and yes i have cheated. just so i could feel like it was a privilege for someone to sleep with me. i have slept w 7 men since you have been gone. i don't feel bad about that. there were some great lovers in there. they made me feel special even when we both knew that is was a one time thing. but now i have fallen in love w the last man. he is the man that i have always wanted. he loves me back. more so than you could ever show. he loves me. he doesn't mind the stretch marks or the crazy hair that i have. he doesn't care when i wear my glasses. he loves all of that about me. he is nothing like you. he makes me feel like i can be me. i can tell him all of my dirty sexual fantasies. he has never judged me on them. he wants to take me up on my offers. he wants to make me cum like you couldn't. yes we lay in our bed together. yes he has met our children. i lied to you about those things. i know you know about him. you will never know the details. i will never tell you that the girls and i go over there when he has his son. that our children play together. that our youngest likes him so much. that our oldest thinks he is sooo funny. he is so respectful of me. he thinks of me first. like you never did. yes i am sorry that i hurt you. but i am not sorry for being with him. when you get back i agreed to go to couseling. i said that we could make it work. i lied. i am going to build a new life w the other man. he wants me to have his baby. i want to have his. even though i told you i didn't want anymore children. so there.