I've been wondering about you for about ten years now. Our sex life was fantastic, and we could talk for hours. I used to regret not giving us a better chance, and for not taking the leap to move to New York. I came across a box of old love letters last week, and then I remembered. You were a selfish, pompous ass. When I was depressed about the bad job market you suggested I come to New York and be a good housewife, since I'd never pull in big bucks like you. (How does $126K a year sound?) I remember the time you made fun of my mom, who worked 12 hour days and kept the house running, but made mashed potatoes from a box. I remembered how you pressured me to have sex, even though I had been in a serious car accident the day before. I'm glad I can finally take off the nostalgia-colored glasses and move on.
When we met, you knew that I was going to be leaving the country.
You told me that it didn't have to be the end, because when you love something, you do whatever you can to keep it, no matter the time or expense.
You looked into my eyes and told me that you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me.
You told my best friend that you were going to marry me.
And now, for the last 3 weeks, you wont even talk to me. Your phone is turned off. You wont respond to emails.
So I called and left a message for you at work. At you called me back and yelled at me for leaving a message.
You told me that you push people away.
That you are busy.
That you miss people, but you aren't yearning for anyone and you are not losing sleep at night.
And all I had asked you was should I buy the plane ticket for March while I am on Spring Break.
I know that you are stressed out. But really, you need to get whatever crawled up your ass out of it. I will be coming in March, because I bought the ticket 10 minutes after we got off the phone.
But it wasn't because you asked me to. It was because I needed to. I am going to come see you and see your eyes when I talked to you. Because then I will know what the hell I need to do.
I am scared that March may be the last time I ever see you. But I will walk away from you if this crap doesn't stop.
And it doesn't matter how much I love you. Or how much I want you.
Because I deserve more than this.
I demand more than this.
I am WORTH more than this.
4 years. 4 years I put up with your lies, your drinking, your childish behavior, your unbelievable mood swings, your inconsiderate friends, your total disrespect for me as a human being. Now that I have cut you loose and moved on and am finally happy, why won't you go away? I've moved, I've changed my #. Take a hint asshole.
Yes I have been in contact with another woman who you were seeing at the same time as me. She emailed me, not the other way around. Stop calling me a bitch and a psycho for confirming that I am not the crazy one, you are. You told her the same BS you told me. Her and I feel better for knowing its not us - it YOU! You could at least invent some new material.
When your brother died I sent a donation and a sympathy card to your parents. This does not make me a cold hearted bitch because I chose not to talk to you. Do you remember when my Dad died 2 years ago and you told me "to get over it, he was a drunk and deserved to burn in hell"? Yeah, well your brother was a lot of things but I have a hell of a lot of more class than you do and won't go there.
Stop emailing me one day and telling me you love me and miss me and your sorry...and then 12 hours later calling me every name in the book and making up vile lies about my son.
Go away. Far far away and forget you ever knew me.
I really try to be ok with your sex toy, and most days I am. I think to myself, 'At least he's not a cheater like those other guys!', and just push it out of my mind. But there are days, like today when I'm feeling very bad about myself and my weight and I get so resentful. Angry! Especally when you said it was "the shit". It seems the moment you admitted it to me our sex life has gone way way down. Yet the porn usage on your computer has gone way way up! Then I do feel like you are a cheater. You're using that thing while your looking at naked, skinny girls. Is that any better?
Some days I want to stay fat, huge just to keep you away from me. To keep a distance between us because I'm so hurt. Other days I would love to lose weight just so I could tell you "No. You can go fuck yourself, literally!" Other days, like today, I'm just so sad. Just sad. I want to be with you, but feel so inferior. Like I'm no good. I'm just a plain, fat housewife that could never give you the time of your life, so why bother?
I know that I'm supposed to lose this fat for me, and maybe it will help to get this off my chest. I love you so much and I know you love me, why did you have to bring that thing into our house, into our lives and expect me to be ok with it? I'm not and it makes me feel like a piece of shit.
Maybe one day I'll tell you this in person.
Dear Soon to be Husband,
I love your mom and sisters. They're wonderful people and I'm so glad they welcomed me in with open arms and hearts. I couldn't have hoped for better. However I HATE your father. He's a jackass plain and simple. He's the male version of a Harridian. How many times can he harrass you about changing the goddamn oil in your car? Showing him that we keep a case of oil in the trunk didn't seem to do the trick so what will it take? How does he not realize that by coming at everyong with such comtempt and bitterness turns everyone away from him. Why is he always so confrontational about simple small things? Does he not realize that NONE of his children want to be alone with him at any time? That all of his children's SO's are extremely uncomfortable around him? Does he not realize that ALL of his children operate on the assumption that he does not love or even respect them and how much this beats them down?
I WILL NOT LET YOU BECOME LIKE HIM. Our future children WILL NEVER have to doubt that BOTH of their parents love them. If one or all of them inherit your Dyslexia I WILL NEVER let them feel as worthless as your dad makes you feel for having it. YOU are an amazing person and will be an incredible father... And I can't wait until that day.
Love, Your Soon to be Wife
When you called me today while I was at work to tell me you had gone to court and gotten a restraining order against me and temporary emergency custody of our son I realized that you really were crazy.
How dare you freak me out with such a lie. I am a fantastic parent and we both know it. I have never done anything in his two years of life to fathom a need for you to have temporary EMERGENCY custody of him.
How stupid of me to panic all the way to my mom’s to make sure you did not leave with him. And how dare you for thinking to could talk yourself out of this lie.
You have no right to do the things to me that you do. I have lived upset since found out I was pregnant with him because you have made my life a mess.
I love your daughter with all my heart but I can not live this lie that we can be friends and raise these two together anymore. You have caused too much damage. To all of us!
My Darling Husband:
I love how you never ever allow me to tear down my self image and self esteem. You are wonderful at always building me up and making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. In your eyes, I know I am.
I love you sweetheart!
We aren't dating anymore - and I am fine with that. Occasionally you get in touch and propose that we "get together" for an evening. I know that you have a girlfriend. I ask you why you are still inviting me to your bed.
You tell me that you can't be honest with her about the things you want in bed. That I was the only one you could be honest with this about - you like to be submissive. You want a dominant woman. You want to be fucked with a strap on - that I was the only woman that you didn't feel ashamed of telling these fantasies to -
But sweetie, I ask, why not ASK her? If you think this will work out - ASK HER. Because this is the type of thing that will break you up later. If she can't love and accept and be adventurous with you in bed...how can you know that she is the right person for you?
And I am sad for you, because I don't think you ever will ask her - and I know that you will keep asking me. We all deserve to be happy.
When I tell you that something hurts do not tell me that I am being a wimp and then shrug it off. I have a fairly high pain threshold so when I say it hurts it really does. Sometimes you do not realize your own strength and end up hurting me (and sometimes leaving bruises) when we are joking around. It stops being funny real quick when it gets painful.
I know that you both have your doubts, so here it goes. Yes, I am sleeping with both of you. It’s not something that’s consistent, but I am fucking both of you. I am single and I can get away with it. I am trying to figure out who I am most compatible with and it hasn’t been an easy task, so until then I will just keep sleeping with both of you. It would be so much easier if I combine the two of you. Who knows...maybe neither one one of you is "the one."