When you came home this morning from work to take ***** to school, I asked you what you told your boss on why you had to leave early. And you said "I told him that I had to take MY little girl to school."
That almost brought me to tears because she is your stepdaughter, but you love her like your very own. I wish you would have been their when you told your boss that.
I had an affair. I got drunk on my last trip and ended up in bed with an old friend.
While it was good, it is not enough to make me want to leave you. If I leave, it will be for a multitude of better reasons. But it did teach me something. I now know why I have no sex drive. It is not me, it is you. You are a lazy lover, you do not care about my needs at all, and you are a sadist. All the things that you have brainwashed me to think are normal and acceptable things (you know, the things you do that you know I don't like but you do them anyway), he did not do and was shocked that someone would do that to a person that they supposedly love. I had for the first time in years an experience that I did not have to dread what was coming next, that I could do as I wanted for once, and with someone who treated me with respect and far more affection than you have ever shown me. Now that I remember what sex is supposed to be like, don't count on me participating in your little games. I deserve better than that, and until you can deal with it, you can go without. I will not be made to feel like that again. Ever.
Your mother drives me nuts! I would never say this out loud because
she and I have always gotten along, but she is a dingbat on a good
day and completely clueless. I know you don't pick up on the passive
aggressive criticisms because your family is terrified of
confrontation, so passive aggressive is their only means of
communicating anything other than happy thoughts. I also know that I
pose a huge challenge for your mother as I speak my mind (always
tactfully) and I am not afraid of confrontation. I am never
combative with anyone, but for some reason she still won't say what
she means to me. She can't understand why our daughter and now our
son don't get bottles. She knows I am breastfeeding and that I stay
home, so why would I need to use bottles??? It's easier to nurse him
and it's better for him! She also knows you don't help with the kids
much. She has commented that you " learned from the best" at
avoiding helping out with the kids- meaning you are exactly like your
father. That is my only saving grace- she knows I do a whole hell of
a lot and she knows I do it alone. I know she doesn't hate me and I
know she cares a lot about me, but we have this barrier between us
and I really feel like it's her feeling that I am stepping on her toes.
She insists on hosting all the holidays, and when we Christened our
daughter she wanted to host it and was pissed when we told her no
thank you, when we had our daughter's birthday, she offered and was
turned down very quickly. She came to our house and made no comments
on the food, decorations, nothing! I got this feeling from her with
our wedding and never mentioned it. I felt she wanted to be very
involved- make decisions, call the shots, and her favorite... get the
credit. I involved her more than most bride's would and I shared all
the details with her. I think this is why your parents paid for none
of our $50k wedding other than the rehearsal dinner. I know that
bothers you because you thought they should have at least offered
(not to mention they can definitely afford it) and I know you think
they could have bellied up some bucks toward the $10k honeymoon.
It's neither here nor there now, but it is in the back of my mind
that she likes to be the queen bee/center of attention. I was in
charge of the wedding and she was the mother of the groom so this put
her in unfamiliar territory (having planned both your sisters
weddings before)- it really came to my attention when her friends all
came to me (separately) at the wedding and raved at how wonderful it
was and that I had done such a fabulous job "planning this all by
yourself". They all said the same thing which makes me think it was
talked about constantly by her to them.
It also drives me insane that she has this arrogance about taking
care of the kids. She thinks that because she raised four kids she
should be entrusted with ours even though she seems to have forgotten
everything about actually watching them. When we brought our son
home from the hospital and I had to remove our 18 month old daughter
from the wood steps it really opened my eyes. She was reading a
fucking magazine when she was supposed to be watching our daughter!
The gate was at the bottom of the steps, against the wall, exactly
where I had left it when we went to the hospital three days earlier.
It had not been used, she had not even tried to use it. We were very
clear that our daughter does not go near the steps. What kind of
help is that when I am in the bed with a newborn and a surgical
incision, you're in the shower and she's supposed to feeding our
daughter and I hear her climbing the steps? She didn't even
apologize, she blamed our daughter. She said "she was just there
playing in the window, I didn't even hear her go up". Duhhhhh, She
does things like this all the time. SHe thinks it's ok to skip naps,
move nap time around and just feed the kids anything- she is cluless-
I have seen her with your sisters kids and it's the same. How did
she raise four of you guys? How did she forget it all? She lets
them get away from her and acts like it's fine. Your nephew fell
down her steps when she was watching him, your niece has been pulled
off the steps numerous times when in her care. Both children (3 and
1 yrs old) were wondering around outside in the driveway that time
and your mother didn't even know they were outside! Your nephew
walked behind my car while I was backing up and she didn't know he
was outside. Why would I leave my children with her when she clearly
is off her game?
I would never blast you with all this because there is no solution,
and I do appreciate that you at least seem to see it, but it drives
me crazy and I can't stand her constant "forgetting" that our son
doesn't use a bottle and her asking "is that good for him to not use
a bottle?" and "wouldn't it teach something if he took a bottle?" He
takes a bottle from the ladies at the gym daycare, that's really the
only time he's away from me. Would she prefer that I put some coke
in a bottle like she did???? Idiot!
You insist we purchase bottled water. So when your gallon jug gets to be about 1/2 empty, I refill it to about 3/4 full with water from the sink.
You haven't noticed yet.
One major issue I believe after several years of marriage is this: you never
speak your opinion and blame the lack of results on me. Did you know that
married folks actually have to talk together to plan for things they want to
achieve? Yes, but you don't seem remotely interested, or say that I wasn't
interested so you don't raise the issue for 5 years or so. For me I like to
plan things: small goals, deal with my infertility, and hmmm, then let's try
to plan for retirement shall we? Or shall we let fate take it's course and
see where the wind blows us next. Here comes the stormy weather.
I rarely get a spontaneous reaction unless you're drunk. I feel, therefore,
that you're a stranger until you get drunk and lose your inhibitions.
Stories that you share while drunk really make me feel like I don't know
you. I don't think you'll let anyone in, and I've been fooling myself that
you would let me in.
I've met someone. Well, I've met someone online. For the past 4 months
we've grown to support one another: first as friends, but now we both want
more. I believe that my online use is due to my lack of socialization since
you're so introverted, and it's smothering me. No friends except mine do we
visit; or, at least the ones you approve of. My family and extended family
are not acceptable, but I have to bend to your bidding when your folks come
I'm feeling empowered for the first time in a long time by this one person.
The raw communication and honesty is refreshing. I don't have any
reservations about bringing up any topic, and thoughtful responses are
incredibly forthcoming. I cling to my online life knowing that I have a lot
of support there...I now want him to be part of my everyday life, but I
can't have you in it as well.
I'm social, vibrant, expressive, pissed off sometimes, craving reciprocal
passion, and I've given up all that I enjoy because you don't or think you
won't like them. I need to explore my passions, my desire for art, and I
must get back to connecting with real live humans. You've kept me locked in
this pumpkin shell; but look out man...I'm bustin' out of here.
As I read your confession I felt like I knew you, I felt like crying for you because through your writing I felt your pain. I read this site a lot and I read all about everybody’s lives and how some are happy and some are very sad. This confession really touched me, I know how it is to have medical problems and people not understand how you feel and how it affects your body, mind and soul. I pray that it gets better for you and everybody that is unhappy and sad on this site. I wish nothing but blessings and GOD’s strength for the woman on here.
Blessed and Highly Favored
I don't want to have feelings for him. But I do.
He's so anti-you in all the right ways. Now you're gone.
I know you won't be back. And I don't want you to come
back. It's done.
I saw you so clearly the last time. Someone so selfish and
full of bullshit pride that he will never even know what
kind of love was there.
And now he's there. Being the person that I always wished
you were. Saying the things I always wished you would say.
It's as if my heart was completely dehydrated by you and
he's filling it up with the water that it desperately
But he's with someone else. He's not *for* me even though
he says he is.
And so I try to stay away, but I can't say no to him, even
though my head screams it, my heart doesn't allow that
scream to be heard. My fucking dehydrated heart needs that
I've said it before - the occasional days you let me sleep in - and I find fresh bagels and coffee in the thermos when I wake - Damn, but that makes me fall in love with you again.
Three years I waited.
Patiently, angrily, frustrated.
I waited for three years for you to sleep with me.
You never did.
You wouldn't even talk about it.
Every single day for three years I thought about cheating on you.
Did I do it?
Nobody can understand why I didn't.
I don't know why I didn't either.
I felt disgusting every day.
Like I wasn't pretty enough for you.
To tell you the truth, if I had cheated, we'd probably still be together.
Instead, you're gone, I'm going to get laid, and you're alone.
I'm happy now.
I need a man who is honest.
...who is financially responsible.
...who can take care of me, both by giving me things I need and being strong enough to hold me accountable.
...who honors his commitments.
...who can make decisions and stick with them.
...who can say no to me and to himself.
...who can prioritize and do what he needs to do before what he wants to do.
I need a man who knows that love is necessary, but that sex and all that stuff is just icing on the cake.
...who can admit when he is wrong and forgive me when I am wrong.
...who understand that sometimes (most of the time), we are both wrong.
...who tells me I am beautiful and can explain why without ever mentioning my body.
...who would love to spend every moment with me, but can give me space and take space for himself without any resentment.
I need a man who believes I can do anything and who wants me to try everything, even if it means he has to wait for me.
...who values my education over his desires for our future.
I need a patient man.
I need a man who will change.
...who changes without me ever having to ask.
...who understands that compromising doesn't have to mean sacrificing your integrity.
...who understands that the world isn't always fair, but nevertheless knows that we are blessed and unworthy of God's grace.
...who doesn't feel like he is entitled to anything from me or the world.
...who knows the difference between a dream and a promise.
...who won't throw my words back in my face.
I need a man who begins every day with a clean slate and keeps no record of wrongs.
...who doesn't keep score, but knows that with love, we both win.
...who believes I am perfect, but aknowledges and forgives my faults.
...who I don't have to justify or explain to anyone.
...who the world can admire and respect as much as I do.
I need a man whose priorities are in the right place.
...who will spoil me when he can, but knows that sometimes it's better to go without.
...who I am never afraid of.
...who makes me a better person by loving me and allowing me to love him in return.
I'm pretty sure... I have found that man.