Friday, February 16, 2007

True WIfe Confessions 159 Alfa

Confession #1581

I plan on leaving you in ten years. When our baby is 10 yrs old. She will be old enough to handle the divorce. I am preparing now.

I can never forgive your alcoholism.


Confession #1582

Yes, I want you.
I love cooking for and with you.
I love watching movies and making CD's together.
I love falling asleep next to you and waking up with you.
I love it when you tell me about all the crazy things you have done, and listening to you talk about yourself.
I love how much you love your job.
I loved being able to talk to you about the things that bug me, perplex me, and interest me.
I love your perspective on life. You are a gentle and kind man.
I love your easy going nature and smile.
I love learning how to enjoy sex, again, with you!!
I love that you can fix anything.... and hate that you never fixed any of the things you said you would around here.
I love listening to you talk with and about your daughters.
I am definitely in love with you.
I think you are really hot and sexy......
I want you back in my life, because I don't care how much money you do, or do not make.
I think we had a good thing and that you just wouldn't give it a chance because of the $$ and my boys.
That makes me sad.
I miss you.

Confession #1583

You are a great husband- now put the girl to bed sometimes. I want to watch TV too.

Oh and don’t get pissed off when I fall asleep with her- she can be very draining even if she is the best daughter ever.

Confession #1584

Do not ask me what I think if you don't want to know. It is terribly frustrating to be asked and then cut off mid answer. Makes me want to poke you with something sharp.

Confession #1585

You took the very first love letter I sent you and showed it to your
friends.
You thought you were so funny.
It hurt me so bad that you did that.
So, ya know what I did?
I took that letter, and I tore it into tiny pieces.
Some of the pieces, I burned.
Some of the pieces, I flushed down the toilet.
Some of the pieces, I put into the garbage disposal.
That was over two years ago.
You haven't even noticed that the letter is gone.
One day you will.
And when you ask me where it is,
I'm going to lie and say that I have no idea.

Confession #1586

People who believe in love are idiots.
Its all a bunch of lies.
You proved it to me.

Confession #1587

Every time your husband contacts me out of the blue, "just to say hi," I know the two of you are in a bad spot. He used to do the same thing each time his former finacee kicked him out. I've never let him get past hello, and I never will. But honestly? A part of me finds it vindicating. You deserve your farce of a marriage. Both of you.

Confession #1588

This morning, I heard you tell our child to let me sleep. Damn but I love you when you do those things.

Confession #1589

Our new insurance won't pay for my medicine. I have been taking it for three years now. It has made me the person I have always wanted to be. I never did like to admit that I need a pill to function but four days without it and I want to die. It may take weeks for the new meds to level in my system, but in the mean time I will suffer and you and the kids will suffer. I am sorry that you all have to go through this too. I am going to pull away as much as I can until I start feeling right again. Please don't take it personally. I love you all too much to hurt you.

Confession #1590

Husband,

I can honestly say that I hate you. You verbally abuse me, humiliate me, degrade me, and sicken me. Each day you turn into more and more of a monster. The worst part is that you can be sort of nice one day and evil the next, so I walk on eggshells around you never knowing who I will wake up next to each morning or who will be coming home from work each evening. I live with a feeling of dread. It's awful.

You talk down to me, and nothing I ever do is good enough. If I developed a cure for cancer, you would say that I should have done it sooner. If I spend an entire afternoon cleaning the house, you will point out the things I missed. You seem to forget that we have three children who tend to mess things up a bit when they get home from school, so even though I end up straigtening up again, it will never be good enough or clean enough for you. Nothing could ever meet your ridiculous standards. And, half the mess in the house is created my you, but you would never think of that.

The good thing is that I'm a lot stronger than you think I am. I surround myself with people who, unlike you, make me feel good about myself, so while you're trying to destroy my self-esteem, you will not win. I am a much better person than you could ever hope to be. The only reason I am staying with you is for the kids, and as each day goes by, I'm thinking more and more that even that's not a good enough reason to be with you. I know it will be hard on them, but they will also realize why I did what I felt I had to do. As young as they are, they are already realizing that things aren't what they should be. They ask me things like, "what's wrong with Daddy?" and "why does Daddy yell at you all the time?" Our daughter refers to you as "the big, bad wolf". I don't want them to think that this is what a real, caring marriage is about. I don't want them learning from you. You used to have so much good in you, but it's getting less and less as each day passes. You wear your "good persona" for the outside world, but as soon as you're home, your true colors come shining through. I think you've built up such an act for so long, and you've been playing the role of "great guy" for such a long time, that you're just too tired to keep it up any more. As a result, I feel the brunt of it when you get home. And, I understand it. Who can keep up an act for such a long time without finally breaking down? Of course, you don't see it as your fault. In your eyes, everything is my fault.

I know that I'm not perfect. No one is; but I am far better than you make me out to be. You talk to me as if I'm something you found on the bottom of your shoe. I know that you're the way you are because you were an abused child yourself, so you didn't learn how to treat the ones you love with respect. I used to feel sorry for you all the time because of your childhood, but since you won't get the help that you so desperately need, and instead, you take your anger out on me, all I feel for you at this point is disgust.

If I had known back then what I know now, I never would have married you. In fact, I wish I never even met you. If it weren't for our children, I would never have anything to do with you EVER again.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

1581: Me too.

Anonymous said...

To 1581--- LEAVE NOW... are you kidding me you are going to raise your child until she is 10 years old with an alcoholic... what is wrong with people.. you have a baby and u want to stay in that environment.. i just dont get it.. to a girl who knows who lived in a house with a drunken idiot.. i wish my mother was strong enough to leave earlier... You daughter will never understand why u let her lived with an alcoholic for 10 YEARS.. sorry but sounds like a cop out.. if you really wanted to leave you would just LEAVE.. your gonna waste the next 10 years of your life with an idiot drunk.. you ever hear this saying.. ITS BETTER TO COME FROM A BROKEN HOME THEN TO LIVE IN ONE... really get with it girl!!!!

Anonymous said...

A big ditto to anon 9:40. You are kidding yourself if you think that's a good plan. Please leave now and spare your child the pain of growing up with an alcoholic father. A baby will handle the divorce much better than a 10 year old. It will be hard on you if you leave now, but it won't be any easier to leave in 10 years (that may even turn into 20; ask my mom).

Anonymous said...

1581 - With tears in my eyes, I impolore you to LEAVE NOW. Do NOT wait ten years, do not. It's not worth it, seriously. If you know now, do it. Find a way...

Anonymous said...

1581: I left my husband when my daughter was 10 years old, and wish, wish, wish I'd done it earlier. The younger the child, the easier it is. Don't wait any longer than you have to. Waiting is NOT doing your child any favors.

Anonymous said...

@1581 & 1590

LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE.

NOW. NOW. NOW.

your children need you to do this. it's not about you anymore.

Anonymous said...

#1585, He'll never notice. It didn't mean anything to him, that's why he showed it around. He's forgotten about it already. If he DOES remember, it'll be because he wants to share it with his buddies again.

cas said...

1581 - my parents split when I was 6. I don't think it bothered me one way or the other. My best friend's parents split when she was 13 - she went into a deep depression. The only life she ever knew was crumbling. I agree that younger children take it better. How happy are the next 10 years of your child's life going to be if your husband is a drunk and you are miserable??? Happy children come from happy parents.

Belle Princesse said...

#1585 - I was involved with someone as heartless as that at one time. Almost married him. What an idiot.

Anonymous said...

1581: 10 is a horrible age for a child to go through a divorce. I know a few people that had it happen then and they are totally screwed up. She'd be way more able to handle it now.

Anonymous said...

1581: My parents divorced when I was 9. My youngest sibling was 3. I'm the one who took it hardest. I still struggle with intimacy issues. My sibling seems and claims to be completely unaffected by my parents divorce. There's a lot to be said for not knowing what you're losing. If you're going to do it anyway, do it now. It's not fair to you or your daughter to wait, and he doesn't deserve ten more years.

Anonymous said...

1581- I agree with everyone else, if you leave now your child will never have to go through leaving her father.

1584- Oh man, I can't stand being cut off when I'm talking either! I could poke my husband's eye out when he does that!!

1585- He never cared about the letter and he is never going to wonder what happened to it. I mean really... it's been two years.

Anonymous said...

1581, I got divorced when my son was 10 and my daughter 7. It tore him apart - she was much better able to handle it. Frankly, the younger they are the easier it is for THEM but the harder it will be for YOU. I can't imagine an alcoholic father is much help to you with the baby, so do something smart and get out now. Do not allow your child to be victim to alcoholism. It's the greatest gift you will ever give him or her, and it costs you nothing. You will benefit as well.

Anonymous said...

To 1585: my ex did this to me, too. He read my love letters to a group of his friends in the pub, and when i walked in, they all burst out laughing at me. I later found out the reason why.
Im sorry this happened to you... it sucks. I know how you feel.

Anonymous said...

1581- Go now and do not look back. A baby has no comprehension of divorce. A ten year old will suffer through it. Don't be ridiculous. I know it's going to be hard to have a baby all on your own, but it will be harder to care for a baby AND an alcoholic husband. You can do this, get out now.

Anonymous said...

1587-if he'd ended up with you, he would be doing the same thing. Calling some other woman "just to say hi." That's how guys like him are-can't handle the reality of a relationship and so are hung up on the ones that "got away." I should know, I married a guy just like that. For a long time I was the one he called to say hi while he was engaged to someone else. Should have been a clue to me, but I just thought I was that unforgettable. Yeah, not so much. So don't read so much into it.

Anonymous said...

1584 -- what bugs me is, he asks me about something, acts like he wants my input, and then when I give it, tells me I'm wrong. EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME. "Do you think we should go to this store?" "Yes." "But this other store has this other thing. We can't get this other thing at the first store." God DAMN, it drives me out of my mind.

I'm going to invent a nozzle that sprays plastic that hardens instantly. You can spray it at your husband's face just before you start talking, and I can spray it at my husband's face just after I finish.

jenner said...

1581 - I really hope you listen to the comments by everyone here. I was 13 when my parents spilt up - I'm almost 32 now, and I'm STILL affected by it. Any of my friends whose parents split when they were too young to understand NEVER had to deal with the same things the older kids do. Divorce sucks for the kids no matter what, but it REALLY sucks when they're old enough to know that their world is being completely torn apart, and they can't do a damn thing to stop it. Waiting till your daughter is 10 is NOT a good plan. It'll be worse for her. MUCH MUCH worse than it would be if you got out now.

1589 - you said exactly what I said after meds - that meds have allowed me to be the person I always knew I was & wanted to be. I hope you are able to work something out re: payment for your pills. Going back to the way life was prior to the meds is a nightmare I never want to face again, and hopefully you won't have to either. Good luck to you!

Anonymous said...

I frequent this site only so that I can feel better about being alone. Am I alone in this too?

Anonymous said...

hah. 9:30, i'm with you. whenever i start feeling lonely or consider getting back into a relationship, i come here and realize why i left in the first place.

Anonymous said...

4:49, 1587 here. Trust me, I realize he probably does it just to irritate his wife. Which is why, as I said, I never let him get past hello. And it's a bit insulting that he thinks I would.

L. J. said...

Wow. I can't make these complaints go away by reading these...nor can I get a rude man to change, but MY man changed. For the better. Tell him what you need...with no way out. An ultimatum? Yes. Do this or go. I need love just like you do.