Monday, December 10, 2007

True Wife Confessions 224 happy holiday memories

Confession #2231


I want to ask you to have an open marriage, but I don't know how. I think it would hurt your feelings too much and I don't want to hurt you or leave you.

Confession #2232

So, let me start off by saying that I am not proud of my behavior, nor am happy with myself about what I have done. But in my defense, it’s not like I’m cheating or stealing or secretly a hooker or anything. With that said, when he left for work the other day. I found myself enjoying the quietness of our place and how I had all day to plan what I wanted to do that day. When it quickly hit me that he wasn’t home and maybe I could snoop for a bit.



You see, folks, he and I have been talking about marriage and all the pretty things that go along with it. I will admit that most of those conversations were brought up by myself, but the point is that I find myself thinking of the wedding, my dress, our honeymoon, kids, our future house, us growing old together, holidays together happy with both families – and it’s all I can think about. I am also #2188 (annoyed with people asking when we’re getting married), so even when I try not to obsess about it – walking into our grocery store and having the cashier ask me when we’re getting hitched sends me into a tailspin of wedding colors, house hunting, money managing and so on. None of this is an excuse for my behavior, just some understanding for my craziness.



I found a receipt for a ring. Yep, he bought it. He did it. So, there’s a ring and it’s here somewhere and he doesn’t know that I know and I can’t tell him I know because I found it by snooping, and even though he knows I’m a snoop I still won’t confess to him because I don’t want to ruin anything about that moment.



So, I confess that I am a little crazy and couldn’t stop the snooping and really wish that I would have stopped for one second and asked myself what exactly I was snooping for. I confess that all those thoughts of “Maybe he’s just not ready?” “Maybe he’s seeing how long he can take this?” “Maybe it’ll be another few years?” have gone away, but they are replaced with new thoughts of, “What does it look like!!!”. So, I’m sorry to my honey. I’m sorry that I snooped and found out something that deep down I would have loved to have been totally shocked and surprised about.



Been since I fucked that up for me – now I can just concentrate on out future together knowing that you are entirely on the same page as I am and with no doubts at all. Unless, the ring was bought for your secret girlfriend……….


Confession #2233

We almost never sleep in the same bed anymore and I miss you. It seems like a small thing, but it is really not helping our marriage - I forget what it feels like to have you next to me and when you do come to bed, I can't get comfortable.

Confession #2234

What on gods green earth do you have against Fresh fruits and vegetables? Every time I ask you to pick up anything, you come back with canned, processed or frozen food. I mean Honestly. Real apples do not cost more than applesauce

Confession #2235

Dear Husband,

I see the magazines are back. I'm so disappointed in you. When I was pregnant with the baby this summer, and I told you I was leaving you, you finally realized how much you were hurting me with them, and you lit a huge bonfire and thew them in. I really thought we would be ok then. You've recently told me not to go snooping through your stuff because you had my x-mas gift hidden away. I'm smarter then that, I know you better then that. Now I know the magazines are back, And I found them. I left a note telling you how disappointed I was in you on them. We shall see if you are man enough to admit it to me. I'm betting you aren't. And for the record, I rarely say no to sex, you usually do. So I made up my mind yesterday, if you want sex, go and have it with your hand and those paper girls. It gave me unending pleasure to say no to you last night and this morning. I'm still smiling about it now.

Your wife,

Confession #2236

You make me laugh in bed like no one I have ever known. Who knew that sex could be so intimate?

Confession #2237

When I didn't buy you a birthday present you confronted me about taking you for granted and I cried. It's true. I do take you for granted often and I am sorry. I told you then that I would try harder and I think I have been - but when I ask you what kind of gifts you want - stop saying "nothing". I don't want to get you something that you hate or will return. Give me a hint, point out something that you like - Anything.

Confession #2238

I like porn. When you aren't home, I watch some - especially gay male porn, which I could never watch around you without you calling me disgusting or a pervert.

Confession #2239

The fact that I can tell you to trim you nose hair and eyebrows and you don't get mad at me makes me love you all the more.

Confession #2240

I am so glad that I divorced you. You are a psychotic monster. And that's not just sour grapes on my part. That's a diagnosis given by two separate mental health professionals, both of whom treated you, and both of whom you ended treatment with, accusing me of "poisoning their minds." Whatever.

My life is so much better without you. I am laughing for the first time in years. I've made new friends and spent a blissful seven days over theThanksgiving holiday in Jamaica with my son...something I could never have done when we were together, because you were actually jealous of the time I spent with my own son. And if you and I had ever gone to Jamaica together, I would have had to pay for the entire trip and then listen to you complain the entire time, and pick fights with me because of your psychotic delusions.

I love my job and have been promoted twice since I left you. I haven't had to spend my workdays worrying about the dreadful evening waiting for me at home, and I haven't had to stop working 3 or 4 times a day to call you, so that you wouldn't harrass me with your paranoid accusations.

My relationship with my son has not only healed, it's soared to new heights. After seven days in Jamaica, he didn't want to leave. How many 12 year old boys can spend a week alone on vacation with their mother and not want the week to end? Yesterday he came out of his room, walked over to me, gave me a hug, told me, "I love you, Mommy," and went back into his room.

After a particularly bad day at work a few days ago, 2 of my coworkers called me at home just to check on me and ask if I was OK.

And three men have told me that they love me since I left you. I'm not interested in another relationship right now, I've got too much going for me to mess it up by bringing the wrong man into my life again. As I told you some time ago, I never make the same mistake twice. But I have to admit, it's nice to know I can still turn someone's head once in awhile.

You'll never read this. I suspect you're too busy looking at online porn and of course I made sure when I left you that you could no longer hack into my computer.

I'm writing this for all the women who are going through so much pain in their relationships, as evidenced here. I'm writing to let you all know that you CAN get past the pain and live the life you've always wanted to, the life you yearn for now. I know it sounds like a cliche, and that words are meaningless and cannot give you what you need, but I promise....the pain of loss is only temporary. And the benefit is a reality that words cannot touch.

Being alone is the greatest gift I've ever given myself.

And being so extremely egomaniacal and abusive that I felt forced to leave, even when I didn't really want to, was the greatest gift my ex-husband ever gave me.

55 comments:

TEN said...

2232:
When I read your confession I felt as though I were you. I know the suspense and 'marriage' talk. Heck I was in Mexico for a week and everyone we met there was asking when we were going to get married.

At least you know that he is going to propose to you. I am still hoping it'll happen soon. (We've been together for 9years). I know the urge to snoop but have never actually done it.


Best of luck to you.... I hope the whole thing is just as exciting and beautiful as you imagined it would be.

Anonymous said...

2240: Thank you.

Anonymous said...

2231: I am with you. I wish mine would do the same.

Carolina said...

2233: You are probably right. My ex-husband worked 3rd shift for most of our marriage and I consider that one of the contributing factors to our divorce. We just didn't feel married after awhile. That closeness and intimacy you get while you are cuddled up or just lying close to each other even though you are asleep is important,IMHO.

D said...

2231: before you even ask, think. is your husband comfortable with you fantasizing about other men? if the answer is no, then you know for sure he's not going to want an open marriage. if he engages in fantasy with you, there could be an opening. just ask.

2232: nosy ass.

2234: he buys what he likes, you buy what you like. if you want something specific, ask for it. better yet, stop whining and do your own shopping.

2235: there's no short way to say all my thoughts so buckle up. your man will not stop viewing pornography for you any more than you'll stop reading fantasy novels or watching fantasy/romantic chick flicks for him. your disappointment means nothing. the fact that you don't like them actually REINFORCES his need for them because those "paper girls" are not the uptight prudes he thinks you are. no wonder he's usually the one saying no to sex. i wonder what other parts of his and your sexuality you've decided on your own are off-limits...oh yeah, your attempt at emotional manipulation and blackmail by withholding sex, a technique that is completely pointless if he's usually the one turning you down.

you have to understand that you do not own his sexuality. you have a right to expect regular sex and fidelity, but that man is free to fantasize about any and everyone he wants. his mind is his. as long as he keeps it in his head, there shouldn't be a problem. but you allude to the fact that you were leaving him over magazines. please seek therapy for yourself.

2237: first things first, for a man you can never go wrong with a really nice watch. another sure-fire hit: if you can splurge, buy him a tailor-made suit and some new shoes - and plan a night out where he can floss around the city in his new gear. it'll take time and cost some dough, but it'll be appreciated. that said, i'm assuming this man buys stuff for himself so you can easily see what he likes. if he's into tv or movies, buy dvd's. if he's into music, upgrade his ipod. focusing on sex never fails. if you're more open-minded than 2235, get him subscriptions to a series of men's magazines stuff, fhm, maxim, king, smooth, etc. basically, you probably already know what he wants.

2238: are you saying he doesn't like porn?

Anonymous said...

2235: You don't sound unreasonable in your request that he stop hoarding porn mags. He told you he would stop, and he lied, and that's enough reason to be angry. But I think refusing sex is counterproductive. You're using sex as a weapon, which can't be good for your marriage. You need to find out why he needs those mags enough to hurt you for them. Either he doesn't care much for your feelings, he thinks he's smarter than you and you'll never find them, or he has a problem.

I remember with my ex-husband, it was much easier for him to get off to his digital college girls than it was for him to be intimate with the real live woman next to him. If he's ignoring you in favor of paper dolls, you have a legitimate concern.

Anonymous said...

Sheesh d, you come off as an arrogant chump sometimes. You know that?

Anonymous said...

#2240 - Thank you.

Anonymous said...

#2232- Congratulations!!! And don't worry about it ruining the moment... even if you know it's coming, he'll still somehow manage to take your breath away.

A Passionate Guy said...

2236: Passion can do wonderful things

Anonymous said...

2232: Congrats, and you'll find yourself just as surprised... after all, you don't know when, where or how he'll do it.

1:39, you're preachin to the choir here. D is the great and powerful Oz.... in his head. Blah, creepy, Shaggy.

Anonymous said...

2240 - that was beautiful. best of luck to you dear, and simply thank you. ♥

Anonymous said...

Let's be honest. Most women do not want their man to look at porn. I read it on the various message boards about finding porn on the computer or paper mags tucked away in the bottom of the closet.

What are your reasons you don't want your man looking at porn?

Perhaps this could be a new thread of discussion.

Anonymous said...

About the porn thing....one person having a problem with it is having a problem in the relationship. If both people either don't care or don't mind - then there's no problem.

Of course, I would love to think that everytime my man jacks it, he's thinking of me - but that's not how it works.

My BF and I have a deal, as long as he makes sure to delete the history and cookies on the computer so that when I am trying to check my email or the traffic or whatever, I don't have to see the website that he went to right in my face. As long we we are both satisfied emotionaly and physically with eachother, then there's no problem.

2235 said...

I guess I feel that since he knows how much it bothers me, and yet continues to do it, it shows that he just doesn't care enough to stop. It means he does not value me or my feelings.

And yes, the idea that he would rather be with his hand and the damn mag then me hurts.

Anonymous said...

D you are such an ill-informed, judgemental horses ass. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED, you fool. Telling someone they're a "nosy ass" or that they are "a prude" because a wife doesn't like seeing porn in her house makes you look like a fucking jack-ass. You don't know about the insecurity women feel when they find out their husbands are looking at fake ass, air brushed women in magazines. You know a whole lot of nothing about women, especially married ones. Do you realize by your flip comments you may be doing more harm? And have you noticed, Mr. NO-it -all that nobody has a big problem with men commenting, only you? Bloody idiot. And look into capitalization. Your writing style gives you away as much as your content.

Dawn, I hope this isn't too much, but I've had it with this tool.

D said...

2235, your man does not prefer to be with his hand or a magazine. when you masturbate, is it because you prefer your hand over your husband? when you fantasize about whatever movie star, firefighter or soap opera hunk you fancy, do you prefer them to your man?

if there were no magazines, no videos, no internet, men would still fantasize about other women. you just wouldn't know about it.

and maybe that's the problem. expecting your husband to stop reading porn mags just because you don't like them is not realistic and you're basically guaranteeing endless arguments. and it's not because he doesn't value you or care about your feelings. it's because he likes them and who says your feelings are more important than his? women have a habit of setting up all kinds of false choices in relationships. "it's either football or me." "it's your car or me." "it's your magazines or me." who says your problems with porn are even reasonable or rational?

anyway, it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to keep that stuff out of sight.....oh that's right, he did. you went scrounging around for it.

if you feel like his magazine viewing is somehow affecting your relationship, if sex has fallen off or if he's exhibiting clearly addictive or obsessive behavior, tell him that. but if he is handling his business in the relationship and just uses them during his solo play time, then you have to let it go.

that is, if you want to stay together.

Anonymous said...

D, you are so full of shit that if you died today and they squeezed all the shit out of you, they could bury you in a matchbox!

Anonymous said...

Hey D,

While I don't think one needs to be married to understand romantic relationships and some of the ways that some of them work, I do think that you might want to be let in into something that apparently alot of men don't realize or know.

Women are insecure. Whether it's about our cooking, our bodies, our house, our clothes, our relationships, our family, our hair - most women (and props to the ones that aren't) are insecure by at least something little or big, serious or superfical.

I don't know if it's in our DNA or what women as a whole have had to grow up into with the media holding us to a higher standard in terms of looks, or work ethic, or making a home.

I don't mean this to sound "Poor Us", but I guess I don't really know another way to convey it without it sounding that way to a man.

I think that many times having a woman complain to her man about his porn watching, his football, his friends or what have you - isnt necessarily a complaint about the actual item they are fighting about - but rather something larger and more emotional.

When my man and I first started dating, I knew he loved football. But when football season came around, I was hit with the fact that his love of football includes planning his social life about games and I didn't know how to deal with it. We had many fights about stupid things, but deep down they were really about me feeling ignored or unwanted. Years later, we have figured out how to make his love of football and our love co-exist. He still watches every game he wants, but I have become more understanding about it simply because he put forth the effort to make me feel loved and cared for the rest of the days in between.

So, a guy looking at porn just by itself usually isn't always the issue - it's the fact that it hurt her feelings and was already a subject that they talked about and he promised to stop. To then find that he has been hiding it, but still "lying" to her about it - is basically a big fuck you to her from him. If porn is as important to him as you seem to think it is, fine - but then he should have kindly talked to his wife about it, taken the time to find out what really is wrong and make her feel like she's wanted and loved.

Anonymous said...

My problem with porn is that it is unrealistic - airbrushed and fake, and the vast majority of women will never look that way. Most men that I know that look at porn have unrealistic expectations of women. They become obsessed with screwing someone who is like the porno whores.

Anonymous said...

2235: Told her husband that she didn't want him looking at porn and then HE made a grand gesture while getting rid of it and she found it, once again in her house. There's no "scrounging" around -- it's HER house.

It's something that's hurting her, and she feels betrayed. And the best you can do is make her feel even more insecure and wrong. Will you just shut the fuck up about things you know nothing about?

Porn destroys marriages, that's a fact.

Anonymous said...

Yup, I would find a rock D. And crawl under it for a while.

D said...

10:36, i hear you. and it's great that you and your husband were able to find that happy middle ground. that's why i said if the confessor's man is handling his business in the relationship and uses the mags during his solo time, it shouldn't be a problem.

10:36 and everyone else, you are all right. promising to stop and lying about it was uncalled for and could call his general honesty and trustworthiness into question. that's a separate issue they have to deal with and it goes beyond his porn habit.

as for insecurity and unrealistic expectations....ladies please. some of you have to, or are expected to, live up to a fantasy, granted. but nearly all men have to live up to a FAIRY TALE. if you watch these chick flicks or see these romance novels, you would think all men are chiseled adonises who do nothing but give warm smiles, massages and foot rubs, cook, write poetry, have the stamina of a work horse, make lots of money, are great dads, and spend their spare time feeding orphans and watching you while you sleep. you don't think guys know that they're being sized up compared to fiction and that secretly causes many women to think they're "settling" which causes more turmoil?

porn is no less realistic than your typical romantic comedy. in fact, it's easier to make porn real because it only deals with the effort required in one facet of a relationship. romantic chick flicks set up unrealistic expectations about the entire relationship for all eternity.

all that means, stop tripping over porn unless your man clearly has a problem with addiction or obsession.

Anonymous said...

2235: As a husband who has been affected by porn (and ashamed of it) I can speak first hand on how destructive it is to a marriage. It dominates your world, it's the first thing you want to look at when you awaken in the morning, if you have access to it during the workday then it becomes part of your workday and you look at it again while at home in the evening. You become great at making excuses to your wife on why you're spending so much time on the computer, you learn how to hide the downloaded files, and worse of all, your emotional and physocological tailspin that puts you into a non-existent fantasy world. This addiction caused great harm to my wife and relationship and thank God I was able to overcome it. And it's never over. I have to deal with every day just like an alcoholic has to deal with that craving for just that one sip. The individual has to admit to themselves that the problem exist before any healing can begin. It sucks, I hate myself everyday for my past actions and will take it to my grave with me.

Anonymous said...

Are you serious d? Most of us women are acutely aware that life is in no way like a fairy tale. It's offensive for you to even suggest it. I have known since I was a very little girl that men are not like the movies. Really!

D said...

1:01, most porn watchers are not addicted to it.

hey said...

d: you are talking out of your ass. If it bothers her, and he knows it, he should have the decency to at least keep it out of the house.

D said...

hey, i said i agree he should keep it out of her sight. either way, that's not the issue., as her confession says, he hid them well but she went around looking for them. she doesn't want him viewing them period...and she has no right to demand that.

Anonymous said...

I once wrote that I am a woman but I usually agree with D. I regret ever having said that. Now I see why everyone hates him. And as far as men having to live up to fairy tale expectations....that's the funniest shit I've ever heard. Any female who's ever spent any time around males at all know that the closest thing they are to a fairy tale is the Beast.

Anonymous said...

D, you seem confused. She's not stalking him at work or anything -- she just doesn't want the stuff in the house. And while most porn fans are not addicted, this guy clearly has a problem, because he made a big dramatic show of getting rid of it, then lied and hid it in the house. That's not healthy behavior.

D said...

2:55, you might be right. or he just did that to shut her up and was never serious about getting rid of it (the more likely option). either way, his lying is unacceptable. but his porn viewing is still none of her business. she doesn't have to ever see it if she doesn't want to.

Anonymous said...

d! Get a life dude! I agree with 2:34, that IS the funniest shit I've ever heard.

Anonymous said...

D,

While I think that some women do believe in a Prince Charming and that whole fairy tale, I think more women out realize the truth or outgrew after the age of 11.

It's really hard to explain to a man why women do the things they so and act the way they act as a whole. I'm sure it's hard for a man to explain to us women the importance of porn or a bachelor party or general male debachary.

I think I get what you're saying. Correct if I'm wrong - him lying is a definite problem, whether it was well meaning or just to get her off his back, either way he sucks for lying. But all you are trying to say is that a guy simply looking at porn doesn't mean that he hates his wife, finds her replusive and should kill himself, right?

I think what's tough nowadays, is that SO many relationships and marriages have broken up do to indescretions. Whether it's porn, MySpace, having emotional affairs, or full-on affairs, so many people are quick to jump up, arms flailing about, and yell 'Bastard' when someone like yourself comes here and defends the innocent action of watching porn.

Anonymous said...

6:06, basically yes, but people can even have a debate on whether watching porn is innocent. the question is when does one partner's feelings trump the other's? for instance, let's say the confessor is a PETA activist and thinks wearing leather is the evil murder and exploitation of animals and that eating meat is akin to genocide. say she demands her husband stop eating meat and wearing leather. no matter how strong her feelings were, they have nothing to do with his feelings of loving steak and buter soft jackets. would people really expect him to abandon the way he wants to live his life because she said so? some requests are reasonable and others are not. and no matter what her reasons for not liking porn are, he doesn't have to agree with or live by them.

A Passionate Guy said...

6:06 Agree, but the lying is a warning flag that the practice is more than innocent. The problem is he knows his wife has a problem with the Porn and either he doesn't give a shit what his wife thinks or he has a problem with porn that he trys to resolve by deceit. How does a husband explain to his wife why he gets his jollies by looking at porn? How does that make her feel? We all know there's more that goes on other than viewing. There's the masturbation to the porn. So he's telling his wife in a non-verbal manner that he would rather use his own hand rather than gaining sexual satisfaction from her. I would like to know what their sex life is like. Does he fuck his wife the same number of times he masturbates to the Porn? I'll wager any amount of money that the answer is no. Viewing erotic material can be plus for a husband and wife's intimate relationship if they are both accepting of it, but when it's just one, there resides the problem. When the porn starts to insert itself as a mistress in the relationship, only bad things will happen. A husband viewing porn as a "recreational" acitivity cannot be viewed as just a guy thing. When the ring goes on the finger, there's a commitment made porn, in the majority of cases, won't fit.

jae said...

2240, you have got to be one of the strongest, most admirable women in the world. Good luck to you and your son. I wish you a lifetime of joy and happiness!!!

Anonymous said...

D: Try as you may, you cannot draw comparison to "fairy tales, chick flicks and Peta". She is his wife. He's getting off on other women. It's hurting her and her marriage. But in your opinion, this is none of her business? You have got to be one delusional SOB. He's making a very blatant choice here, and if I were her I would feel absolutely devastated. Is that how she should feel in her marriage and just deal with those feelings herself and shut up about it cause feeling devastated by your own husband is really not that big of a deal? Does porn trump that? I'm so glad that, finally, all the other TW are starting to see you for who you are. Your a misogynist, and if you really believe you're own bullshit, show these comments to your wife-to-be (if one ever sticks around that long) and hear what she thinks about it. To be very clear here on two points: It's very different if both parties enjoy it, and it doesn't count if your not married. My husband and I enjoyed a lot of different things sexually before we got married and both of us agreed after the rings went on we would only rely on each other for our sexual satisfaction. It's called commitment, it's called honor, it's called respect. And for fucks sake, again, look up capitalization, moron.

D said...

with or without porn, men will still get off to other women...in their minds, while they masturbate and sometimes even while they have sex with their wives and girlfriends. until the nature of man changes from voyeuristic variety-lover this is really a non-debate.

but i'll stop here. all points have been made so i won't continue going in circles. thanks to those who kept the convo civil. i hope dawn doesn't decide to moderate comments again.

Anonymous said...

I knew this would be your last pathetic attempt to prove your porn theory right: "in their minds"! Of course people have fantasies in their minds...duh. And it hurts no one. I don't mean to gloat, but I will. No, I think I won't. Instead I will ask you to consider not posting here, or at the very least stop being so god damn judgmental and instead wording your comments as opinions and not as if you've got the right answer to every problem and insulting these women that come here for solace and commiseration.

You really think Dawn finds the comments to you warrants her interference? Oh how you underestimate and misunderstand the broad. You've got a lot to learn, d. She isn't here to protect your ass or mine, she's looking out for blatantly un-called for, mean, hurtful insults. She doesn't care about censoring opinions. That’s what TWC is about. Help. Understanding. Advice. Opinions.

I don't like you. That's plain. I think you do damage here and I'm not going to let it slide,and if Dawn feels it's outside the boundries I accept her decision. I think she has done a wonderful service to women and I'm not about to argue her choices. But I'm going to stand up for those I feel you're hurting by your ignorance or your bigotry.

I really , really, still believe you need to find another venue to post on. Why on earth do you still think you have anything valuable to add here on TWC is so beyond me.

You told me your age when I asked. Ladies, I guessed late 20's, he is early 30's. Same. Just FYI. You have got a whole lot to learn about women and relationships, d. My question is.... all this time you spend on TWC... have you learned nothing? Are you all about arguing your point here, or are you learning something? Your time is better spent being a voyer here and learning what women really feel, want , need, then chiming in with ineffective, antiquated,ill-informed ideas about what you think wives and husbands want when you have neither been a husband or had a wife.
Oh, and add baby to the mix? Oh hang on, Son-- it's gonna be a very different set of rules altogether.

D said...

anonymous, i appreciate your passion and your opinions. i don't post for approval or popularity. my opinion is just that. mine.

i think u have a lot to offer the confessors when you focus on them. anyway, Happy Holidays. (capitalized just for you.)

Anonymous said...

That's great d, but your opinions come across more like judgements. That's the problem. Your advice is bullshit. Plain and simple.

Anonymous said...

10:35 Bravo!

oneman said...

Sorry about his post Dawn, just need to say my piece.

D,

I have stood by and keep my kept my fingers off the keyboard until your replies to 2235. I completely understand that you are entitled to your opinions and I am fine with that. I don't know you personally, however what you post just reinforces womens views of some men that have no grasp of relationship dynamics.

You come across as ass. You replies are not advise, they are judgements. I am going to guess that most of the woman on this site are looking for advise and support, nobody wants to be judged.

While I support some of what you say, the way you say it just makes my blood boil sometimes and I hope your misplaced advise has not advesily effected anybody.

oneman said...

2235.

Can I offer some advise. Communication and trust are the key to a good relationship. At the moment I suspect you have neither in your relationship.

What ever problems that you are having, if its porn or him not helping round the house or sex or whatever, if you don't trust each other and talk about the problem then its not going to get fixed.

You have a problem with him having porn and you are 100% entitled to have that opinion. You feel strongly enough about this issue for it to be a deal breaker and again you are 100% entitled to that.

All I can suggest is that it looks that you have reached the stage were he or both of you as a couple need the help of expert counselling so him/both of you can either find the root cause for him to want the porn against your wishes and fix the problem or for you to split.

D said...

oneman, appreciate your words. at least you remembered to talk to the confessor. it's about them..not me. i'm a brutal honesty, blunt kind of dude. i understand things go down better with a little honey...it just seems i'm always fresh out of honey.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if 2235 knew about her husbands porn viewing before they got married. If so, I think it is pretty selfish of her to want him to suddenly change after they got married. If the porn viewing was such an issue, then why marry him in the first place and try to change him?

If he started watching porn during the marriage, then I could completely see the problem from her perspective. I can see how she would feel as though she is not enough to satisfy him anymore. I would feel pretty bad too if my girl and I had an awesome sex life but then out of nowhere, she spent most of her sexual energy on porn and masturbating.

We don't know what their relationship is like though. It would be hard to judge him or her (which this site isn't about anyway) without knowing more of her history

I do agree with d and the posters that disagreed with him. Too bad someone didn't post a happy medium

oneman said...

1:52

You are 100% correct that we don't know the full background and unless 2235 fill us in on the questions then we don't know.

I can understand where you are coming from asking what the situation was like before marriage. However I would say that people change over time, you change, your partner changes, the dynamics of the relationship changes which is why communication is key. Quite possibly she was OK with it before, maybe the volume of porn has got worse. Maybe the sex has become less frequent because of the porn. There has been a major change in their partnership with the birth of their child which could have caused a change. For me what matters is the here and now, not the past.

You ask can there be a middle ground, with such a deal breaker issue I don't think she can give any ground here. He either gets help and stops or that is the end of their relationship.

2235 said...

Ya'll blow me away with your comments. So you wanted the details of the relationship:

I did not know about the porn before we got married. I DID NOT KNOW. I offered to watch it with him a few times before I found the mags, thinking maybe it would spice up our sex life which, at 23(both), should have not gone down hill as quickly as it did. (from once a day to twice a month)

The first time I found them, they were hidden in his jeans drawer, and I was putting his pants away after doing a load of laundry for him. I was pregnant and hormonal and I went off on him like you wouldn't believe. He said he was sorry and he made the grand gesture. It didn't last, as I found them again while unpacking boxes from our recent move. I don't think it was snooping to unpack boxes.

I wouldn't have minded the mags if he hadn't felt like he had to hide them. It could have been much different, something that we could have enjoyed together, but it wasn't like that.

D, I don't have unrealistic expectations. I have not ever thought I was going to live a fairy tale. But I just don't like lies and the complete lack of regard for my feelings. And I'm entitled to ask that my husband not lie to me. or hide things from me.

Oh, and for the record, it's not like I'm fat and ugly, I lost the baby weight a month after having my second daughter and I get compliments all the time, so please don't try that angle.

Again, Thank you to the rest of the commenter's, you'll never know how much better I feel knowing that other women feel as I do.

2235 said...

Oh, and OneMan, Thank you too.

D said...

your story is straight swiss cheese.

1) when you first found them they weren't hidden. they were in his jeans drawer where he knows you put laundry.

2) you yell at him like a nut basket after you found them....then you wonder why he feels like he has to hide them.

3) he told you not to go through his stuff. you did and found the mags. suddenly now it's innocent unpacking. please.

4) if you actually have no problem with them, you created all that turmoil over what? because he had the nerve to buy them without clearing it with you first then "hiding" them somewhere he knew you would find them?

yeah...you seem like somebody easy for your husband to talk to. i can imagine what his side of the story would be.

anyway, i'm glad you got something from the other commenters.

Anonymous said...

Who the hell do you think you are d? I think it is pretty clear you are a troll. Reminder ladies: PLEASE DON'T FEED THE TROLLS! You ARE pretty nervy. Basically I am going to reiterate what anonymous said on the other post. "For me and all the other women you have insulted, FUCK OFF!"

Anonymous said...

2235, please don't let one disruptive, condescending and clueless poster make you feel bad. You have a right to your feelings. Your hubby lied, and that is not cool. Do you still want to stay in this marriage? Because if you do, I'm sorry, but you have to confront him. The silent treatment won't work forever. And ultimatums only work if you are truly committed to them.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
How do you feel about counseling?
My sympathies, hon -- this situation sucks. Good luck!

oneman said...

2235,

Thanks for the background information Remember we are just here to offer our support and views. With a diverse range of posters there are bound to be differences of opinion. At the end of the day you are in the best position to decide what applies in your situation and you are the one who is going to have to take the next steps.

Though personally I would not call what he did hiding, the fact is that he said no more magazines and yet he buys them without your consent when he knows how you feel about them.

Right now I suspect that you have no trust in him and to be honest I feel that its going to be difficult for both of you to progress as a couple without that trust. I know there are children involved in your situation but please do not stay together just for their sakes. They deserve a happy mom to give a positive role model rather then one who is unhappy all the time.

Aside from that I agree with everything 8:29 said. I think counselling is the way forward for both of you. You have issues, he has issues (though he may not know it).

If he refuses and you still want to work on the marriage can I suggest something that is going to be difficult but can you speak to his friends family. You don't have to tell them what the issue is but urge them to put pressure on him to get help to save your relationship.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, 3:59. I agree: troll, indeed.

Anonymous said...

2240: I am glad you found happiness in being alone rather than being in a bad relationship. Many women are not able to do that. I wish you and your son the best. You are obviously a phenomenal woman.