I want to ask you to have an open marriage, but I don't know how. I think it would hurt your feelings too much and I don't want to hurt you or leave you.
So, let me start off by saying that I am not proud of my behavior, nor am happy with myself about what I have done. But in my defense, it’s not like I’m cheating or stealing or secretly a hooker or anything. With that said, when he left for work the other day. I found myself enjoying the quietness of our place and how I had all day to plan what I wanted to do that day. When it quickly hit me that he wasn’t home and maybe I could snoop for a bit.
You see, folks, he and I have been talking about marriage and all the pretty things that go along with it. I will admit that most of those conversations were brought up by myself, but the point is that I find myself thinking of the wedding, my dress, our honeymoon, kids, our future house, us growing old together, holidays together happy with both families – and it’s all I can think about. I am also #2188 (annoyed with people asking when we’re getting married), so even when I try not to obsess about it – walking into our grocery store and having the cashier ask me when we’re getting hitched sends me into a tailspin of wedding colors, house hunting, money managing and so on. None of this is an excuse for my behavior, just some understanding for my craziness.
I found a receipt for a ring. Yep, he bought it. He did it. So, there’s a ring and it’s here somewhere and he doesn’t know that I know and I can’t tell him I know because I found it by snooping, and even though he knows I’m a snoop I still won’t confess to him because I don’t want to ruin anything about that moment.
So, I confess that I am a little crazy and couldn’t stop the snooping and really wish that I would have stopped for one second and asked myself what exactly I was snooping for. I confess that all those thoughts of “Maybe he’s just not ready?” “Maybe he’s seeing how long he can take this?” “Maybe it’ll be another few years?” have gone away, but they are replaced with new thoughts of, “What does it look like!!!”. So, I’m sorry to my honey. I’m sorry that I snooped and found out something that deep down I would have loved to have been totally shocked and surprised about.
Been since I fucked that up for me – now I can just concentrate on out future together knowing that you are entirely on the same page as I am and with no doubts at all. Unless, the ring was bought for your secret girlfriend……….
We almost never sleep in the same bed anymore and I miss you. It seems like a small thing, but it is really not helping our marriage - I forget what it feels like to have you next to me and when you do come to bed, I can't get comfortable.
What on gods green earth do you have against Fresh fruits and vegetables? Every time I ask you to pick up anything, you come back with canned, processed or frozen food. I mean Honestly. Real apples do not cost more than applesauce
I see the magazines are back. I'm so disappointed in you. When I was pregnant with the baby this summer, and I told you I was leaving you, you finally realized how much you were hurting me with them, and you lit a huge bonfire and thew them in. I really thought we would be ok then. You've recently told me not to go snooping through your stuff because you had my x-mas gift hidden away. I'm smarter then that, I know you better then that. Now I know the magazines are back, And I found them. I left a note telling you how disappointed I was in you on them. We shall see if you are man enough to admit it to me. I'm betting you aren't. And for the record, I rarely say no to sex, you usually do. So I made up my mind yesterday, if you want sex, go and have it with your hand and those paper girls. It gave me unending pleasure to say no to you last night and this morning. I'm still smiling about it now.
You make me laugh in bed like no one I have ever known. Who knew that sex could be so intimate?
When I didn't buy you a birthday present you confronted me about taking you for granted and I cried. It's true. I do take you for granted often and I am sorry. I told you then that I would try harder and I think I have been - but when I ask you what kind of gifts you want - stop saying "nothing". I don't want to get you something that you hate or will return. Give me a hint, point out something that you like - Anything.
I like porn. When you aren't home, I watch some - especially gay male porn, which I could never watch around you without you calling me disgusting or a pervert.
The fact that I can tell you to trim you nose hair and eyebrows and you don't get mad at me makes me love you all the more.
I am so glad that I divorced you. You are a psychotic monster. And that's not just sour grapes on my part. That's a diagnosis given by two separate mental health professionals, both of whom treated you, and both of whom you ended treatment with, accusing me of "poisoning their minds." Whatever.
My life is so much better without you. I am laughing for the first time in years. I've made new friends and spent a blissful seven days over theThanksgiving holiday in Jamaica with my son...something I could never have done when we were together, because you were actually jealous of the time I spent with my own son. And if you and I had ever gone to Jamaica together, I would have had to pay for the entire trip and then listen to you complain the entire time, and pick fights with me because of your psychotic delusions.
I love my job and have been promoted twice since I left you. I haven't had to spend my workdays worrying about the dreadful evening waiting for me at home, and I haven't had to stop working 3 or 4 times a day to call you, so that you wouldn't harrass me with your paranoid accusations.
My relationship with my son has not only healed, it's soared to new heights. After seven days in Jamaica, he didn't want to leave. How many 12 year old boys can spend a week alone on vacation with their mother and not want the week to end? Yesterday he came out of his room, walked over to me, gave me a hug, told me, "I love you, Mommy," and went back into his room.
After a particularly bad day at work a few days ago, 2 of my coworkers called me at home just to check on me and ask if I was OK.
And three men have told me that they love me since I left you. I'm not interested in another relationship right now, I've got too much going for me to mess it up by bringing the wrong man into my life again. As I told you some time ago, I never make the same mistake twice. But I have to admit, it's nice to know I can still turn someone's head once in awhile.
You'll never read this. I suspect you're too busy looking at online porn and of course I made sure when I left you that you could no longer hack into my computer.
I'm writing this for all the women who are going through so much pain in their relationships, as evidenced here. I'm writing to let you all know that you CAN get past the pain and live the life you've always wanted to, the life you yearn for now. I know it sounds like a cliche, and that words are meaningless and cannot give you what you need, but I promise....the pain of loss is only temporary. And the benefit is a reality that words cannot touch.
Being alone is the greatest gift I've ever given myself.
And being so extremely egomaniacal and abusive that I felt forced to leave, even when I didn't really want to, was the greatest gift my ex-husband ever gave me.