When I left the house last Thursday I was so mad at you. I was planning
on staying out with the girls until you were in bed so I wouldn't have
to talk to you when i got home. And then it happened. Some idiot in a
big truck, going too fast, in a big hurry drove through the back of my
car. I was sitting in the middle of the road crosswise with the back of
my car totally smashed, I looked my girlfriend said call the police, and
I called you, crying hysterical in shock and said you have to come. You
were the only one I wanted. And you came, and it didn't matter anymore,
the car, the being mad, all that mattered was that you were there. I
Two days ago you sat down to the pasta with ricotta cheese and fresh spinach that I made, from scratch, and while the pan was still bubbling from the oven, you told me that I should have dissolved the sugar in a little warm water before adding it to the salad dressing because the dressing was too vinegar-y. Yesterday you sat down to the chicken enchiladas I made, from scratch, and while the pan was still bubbling from the oven, you told me that I should have put spices and fried onions in the rice.
I told you that it was two days in a row that you'd bitched about what I'd set in front of you, and if you wanted to make dinner tomorrow I would happily wait for it to hit the table and then I'd tell you exactly what I thought of it.
If you think you're making a meal tonight out of the leftovers from the past two nights, you son of a bitch, you are so wrong. You are so fucking wrong.
I'm the smiling, always happy girl, you see & constantly call "sweet", with the "perfect life", perfect "significant other", & "perfect family".
The only thing is, I'm not.
My life is about other people. My life is about hiding me, outta fear that someone will discover this deep dark secret I hold in my heart, but can't tell a soul. I thought "he" knew, the loving boyfriend every other girl is jealous of, but if he does, he doesn't let on. I told him I was almost raped by a man, I couldn't say the whole thing once I started crying, but the thing is, he doesn't know what man.
My father, who everyone rants about being "great", beat the crap outta me behind closed doors. He mentally tears me down, constantly pointing out my every flaw. He punched me in my face once, my lip was enlarged far beyond anything normal. Boyfriend asked about it, so I told him. I opened up. He wanted to go "beat" him in return & I told him no, not to since I'm deathly afraid of him. He didn't. I still hate him for not doing anything, but he made his choice & I made mine. I'll leave him over it eventually - when I get up the guts.
I think my father "raped" me, but I'm not sure. I remember waking up once, half dressed, & him freaking out, making me drink something, then passing out again. I wish I could convince myself I dreamed it. I know I didn't dream it though, that's the sick part. He's constantly in my life, stalking my every move, & making sure I'm what he wants me to be in life. He's obsessed & has nothing else, but he did that to me, I know he did & every time I start kissing a man, I think of that. I freeze up & can't move, I get scared to death the man I'm with will find out I'm not his alone.
I'm in fear of feeling. I pick fights to try to make my boyfriend leave, but he hasn't. Yet, but I know he will eventually. He said he won't, but eventually he'll tire of my ranting & leave. I'm scared to feel, cause I know if I do, I'm going to crumble inside. I'm tired of playing "happy". I'm tired of being something I'm not, but I have no idea how to escape it, so instead, I play "happy", act like the world is roses & candy canes, then move on w/my life.
Someday, things will be better & my life will be what I'm dreaming. That's what I keep hoping for, to have someone to talk to & confide in, but I don't know what to do. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm resentful.
I hate my life & I have positively no way to change it, so I will act like I do until I finally get the courage to end it all.
I read this a long time ago
a certain sadness
in thoughts too deep to share
not that you never loved me
but that I cease to care
The other morning I woke up and was happy because my cold was finally gone. The day before a co-worker had taken me clothes shopping as my christmas gift. I asked if you wanted to see my clothes and you said sure. I know the moment i showed you the pants that you were going to say something about how big they are. But you took it a step further than I thought you would by telling me, "Honey why are you so big? None of my ex wives were that big. I can't believe you are so big!" Well, you know what I have to say? FUCK YOU AND YOUR EX WIVES!!! They didn't live my life and neither did you. You don't complain about how fat I am when you have sex with me. Maybe next time I should tell you, "Honey why is your dick broke??None of my ex boyfriends had broke dicks!!" You are a selfish, self-centered, ungrateful, sleazy piece of crap!!! I know you only married me because I was pregnant and you needed a green card. I am not as foolish as you & your mom think. Everyday my love for you diminishes more and more with all the disrespect you show me. Next time you want ice cream get it yourself, you want a foot massage, oh, well, so do I, do it yourself!!
I'm not premenstrual. I'm just tired of putting up with your shit.
I have posted here before, but I feel the need to confess again. I can’t get him out of my mind. I am married and I love him. But………………………
I love another man too. Please don’t bash me. The other man doesn’t want me anymore. I pushed him away and he finally took the bait…… I am so upset. I did this to myself because I am selfish. To every woman that thinks you can have your cake and eat it too, please believe me, you can’t. I miss the “other man”. I hope and pray that all of you take heed in my mistake. I am a fool, I have a wonderful husband……I know I am wrong…….. I will have to live with this and never will be with him again. So here I sit, feeling like a complete fool and I should… so remember when you think about cheating…………. It’s not all what you think… it’s true that your feelings do get in the way.
I know that you love me with all of your heart, especially since I took in your 6 year old son (which has turned my life uspide down) and I now treat him as if he was my own and still deal with the effects of his psychotic mom.... But, how could you not have even purchased a card for me for Christmas?? I know that we said that we wouldn't buy each other anything because we are low on money and we wanted to spoil the kids, but I did go out and buy you a GPS system! I know I went back on my word for not buying you anything, but I love you and I know that you needed it terribly for your new job. But seriously...no card. Come on. They cost 2 dollars, or 50 cents at the Dollar Store! I don't know if you noticed but it took everything in me not to cry on Christmas morning. I had to even buy my own gift from Santa, along with yours (even though you knew what they were). I know now you feel like an ass, but that is not the point. Sometimes you need to think about my feelings. Small things do really matter to me, no matter what I say. I am dealing with so much right now and I don't know when the breaking point will be. I could never leave you because we are meant to be together but you need to start changing some of your ways. I love you...but think about me sometimes and my feelings. I always think about you.
You are such an ass! I've listened to you whine for days about how ill you are, and I'm right there getting you hot tea, a blanket when you're chilled, more Tylenol, etc, but I've been sick for the same number of days, and still I put on a happy face and hosted a fantastic Christmas Day including a lovely Christmas dinner for you and your side of the family. And what do I get? You being more of an ass. No news there, right hon? Well the news is I've had it with your complaining and self-serving behavior. Get over yourself. You're not the only one who feels like crap. I've had to suck it up and get on with things, now it's your turn. Be a man!!
How did it ever come to this? I am not a bad person, but you would never know that from my actions. I wonder if everything we are now is because I lured you in somehow. I have been thinking a lot about my past relationships. They all basically end the same. I am a slave to my impulses. I know I am spinning now, I am falling apart. We are falling apart.
We have been through so much. We got engaged even though we had known each other less than a year. We moved in together. We lost our home in the flood after the levees failed in Hurricane Katrina. We lost our jobs. We got married, only a couple of months after the flood. It was a wedding that I threw together in the midst of all that turmoil. I really can't think of to many times in our wedded life that I or even we have been truly happy. We just go through the daily routine. There is no romance. There is no communication. There are really even no common interests. I had to quit my job because of my bad judgment topped with my drinking too much got me in a bad situation. When I was going to that counselor it was to try to sort out what is going on with me in my head. I had to stop seeing her though because she really didn't get me. And now I have no where else for help. I know you think if I get back on meds it would help, but it wouldn't. I can't be a zombie anymore. And now my Dad is dying. He is so frail, and not himself anymore. And I don't know what I am going to do without him.
If you only knew the things that I have done, the men that I have been with. You would be crushed. I cheat on you every time I get the chance. And everyone knows, my friends, family, everyone but you. I have made a cuckold out of you. The worst part is there is only a part of me that is sorry. The rest of me just doesn't know what to think. And the worst part is most are not even nearly as good as you. You work hard, you never complain, and you are a good and honest man, but on the down side you are lazy. I feel like you aren't even concerned with my needs. We used to have great sex. Really great sex. You used to talk to me. You used to hold me. You used to worship me. One day it just stopped. You are too tired. You would rather watch T.V. You would rather spend time with the damn dogs. I feel so alone, especially when I am with you.
I did start to make arrangements for a divorce. I tried to leave. But, with this situation with my family going on I have to wait this out. I really don't want my Dad to find out and go to his death worrying about me. And I really have no where to go. I have no job, though I am really looking. Last night, at the Christmas party that you made me go alone to, I was with another man. You may as well have wrapped me in a damn bow for him. I didn't plan it, but I didn't resist to him at all. Still, I don't think you deserve to be made a fool of in front of all the people who saw us together last night. And I do fell a little bad, but only because this time I may get caught.
I just can't figure out why I can't hold any relationship together. All the major ones all end up just like this. I know it's a pattern. I know I am insanely impulsive. And I know I love the feeling of that newness. I love the feeling of someone who can match my passion. I really don't want to hurt you but I know that I will. That on some level leaves my stomach raw and twisting. I hate being so dishonest. I wish you got my rock and roll soul.