Thursday, December 27, 2007

True Wife Confession 226 moments of silence

Confession #2251

When I left the house last Thursday I was so mad at you. I was planning
on staying out with the girls until you were in bed so I wouldn't have
to talk to you when i got home. And then it happened. Some idiot in a
big truck, going too fast, in a big hurry drove through the back of my
car. I was sitting in the middle of the road crosswise with the back of
my car totally smashed, I looked my girlfriend said call the police, and
I called you, crying hysterical in shock and said you have to come. You
were the only one I wanted. And you came, and it didn't matter anymore,
the car, the being mad, all that mattered was that you were there. I
love you.

Confession #2252

Two days ago you sat down to the pasta with ricotta cheese and fresh spinach that I made, from scratch, and while the pan was still bubbling from the oven, you told me that I should have dissolved the sugar in a little warm water before adding it to the salad dressing because the dressing was too vinegar-y. Yesterday you sat down to the chicken enchiladas I made, from scratch, and while the pan was still bubbling from the oven, you told me that I should have put spices and fried onions in the rice.

I told you that it was two days in a row that you'd bitched about what I'd set in front of you, and if you wanted to make dinner tomorrow I would happily wait for it to hit the table and then I'd tell you exactly what I thought of it.

If you think you're making a meal tonight out of the leftovers from the past two nights, you son of a bitch, you are so wrong. You are so fucking wrong.

Confession #2253

I'm the smiling, always happy girl, you see & constantly call "sweet", with the "perfect life", perfect "significant other", & "perfect family".

The only thing is, I'm not.

My life is about other people. My life is about hiding me, outta fear that someone will discover this deep dark secret I hold in my heart, but can't tell a soul. I thought "he" knew, the loving boyfriend every other girl is jealous of, but if he does, he doesn't let on. I told him I was almost raped by a man, I couldn't say the whole thing once I started crying, but the thing is, he doesn't know what man.

My father, who everyone rants about being "great", beat the crap outta me behind closed doors. He mentally tears me down, constantly pointing out my every flaw. He punched me in my face once, my lip was enlarged far beyond anything normal. Boyfriend asked about it, so I told him. I opened up. He wanted to go "beat" him in return & I told him no, not to since I'm deathly afraid of him. He didn't. I still hate him for not doing anything, but he made his choice & I made mine. I'll leave him over it eventually - when I get up the guts.

I think my father "raped" me, but I'm not sure. I remember waking up once, half dressed, & him freaking out, making me drink something, then passing out again. I wish I could convince myself I dreamed it. I know I didn't dream it though, that's the sick part. He's constantly in my life, stalking my every move, & making sure I'm what he wants me to be in life. He's obsessed & has nothing else, but he did that to me, I know he did & every time I start kissing a man, I think of that. I freeze up & can't move, I get scared to death the man I'm with will find out I'm not his alone.

I'm in fear of feeling. I pick fights to try to make my boyfriend leave, but he hasn't. Yet, but I know he will eventually. He said he won't, but eventually he'll tire of my ranting & leave. I'm scared to feel, cause I know if I do, I'm going to crumble inside. I'm tired of playing "happy". I'm tired of being something I'm not, but I have no idea how to escape it, so instead, I play "happy", act like the world is roses & candy canes, then move on w/my life.

Someday, things will be better & my life will be what I'm dreaming. That's what I keep hoping for, to have someone to talk to & confide in, but I don't know what to do. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm resentful.

I hate my life & I have positively no way to change it, so I will act like I do until I finally get the courage to end it all.

Confession #2254

I read this a long time ago

a certain sadness
touches me
in thoughts too deep to share
not that you never loved me
but that I cease to care

Confession #2255

The other morning I woke up and was happy because my cold was finally gone. The day before a co-worker had taken me clothes shopping as my christmas gift. I asked if you wanted to see my clothes and you said sure. I know the moment i showed you the pants that you were going to say something about how big they are. But you took it a step further than I thought you would by telling me, "Honey why are you so big? None of my ex wives were that big. I can't believe you are so big!" Well, you know what I have to say? FUCK YOU AND YOUR EX WIVES!!! They didn't live my life and neither did you. You don't complain about how fat I am when you have sex with me. Maybe next time I should tell you, "Honey why is your dick broke??None of my ex boyfriends had broke dicks!!" You are a selfish, self-centered, ungrateful, sleazy piece of crap!!! I know you only married me because I was pregnant and you needed a green card. I am not as foolish as you & your mom think. Everyday my love for you diminishes more and more with all the disrespect you show me. Next time you want ice cream get it yourself, you want a foot massage, oh, well, so do I, do it yourself!!

Confession #2256

I'm not premenstrual. I'm just tired of putting up with your shit.

Confession #2257

I have posted here before, but I feel the need to confess again. I can’t get him out of my mind. I am married and I love him. But………………………

I love another man too. Please don’t bash me. The other man doesn’t want me anymore. I pushed him away and he finally took the bait…… I am so upset. I did this to myself because I am selfish. To every woman that thinks you can have your cake and eat it too, please believe me, you can’t. I miss the “other man”. I hope and pray that all of you take heed in my mistake. I am a fool, I have a wonderful husband……I know I am wrong…….. I will have to live with this and never will be with him again. So here I sit, feeling like a complete fool and I should… so remember when you think about cheating…………. It’s not all what you think… it’s true that your feelings do get in the way.

Confession #2258

Dear Husband,

I know that you love me with all of your heart, especially since I took in your 6 year old son (which has turned my life uspide down) and I now treat him as if he was my own and still deal with the effects of his psychotic mom.... But, how could you not have even purchased a card for me for Christmas?? I know that we said that we wouldn't buy each other anything because we are low on money and we wanted to spoil the kids, but I did go out and buy you a GPS system! I know I went back on my word for not buying you anything, but I love you and I know that you needed it terribly for your new job. But card. Come on. They cost 2 dollars, or 50 cents at the Dollar Store! I don't know if you noticed but it took everything in me not to cry on Christmas morning. I had to even buy my own gift from Santa, along with yours (even though you knew what they were). I know now you feel like an ass, but that is not the point. Sometimes you need to think about my feelings. Small things do really matter to me, no matter what I say. I am dealing with so much right now and I don't know when the breaking point will be. I could never leave you because we are meant to be together but you need to start changing some of your ways. I love you...but think about me sometimes and my feelings. I always think about you.

Confession #2259

You are such an ass! I've listened to you whine for days about how ill you are, and I'm right there getting you hot tea, a blanket when you're chilled, more Tylenol, etc, but I've been sick for the same number of days, and still I put on a happy face and hosted a fantastic Christmas Day including a lovely Christmas dinner for you and your side of the family. And what do I get? You being more of an ass. No news there, right hon? Well the news is I've had it with your complaining and self-serving behavior. Get over yourself. You're not the only one who feels like crap. I've had to suck it up and get on with things, now it's your turn. Be a man!!

Confession #2260

How did it ever come to this? I am not a bad person, but you would never know that from my actions. I wonder if everything we are now is because I lured you in somehow. I have been thinking a lot about my past relationships. They all basically end the same. I am a slave to my impulses. I know I am spinning now, I am falling apart. We are falling apart.

We have been through so much. We got engaged even though we had known each other less than a year. We moved in together. We lost our home in the flood after the levees failed in Hurricane Katrina. We lost our jobs. We got married, only a couple of months after the flood. It was a wedding that I threw together in the midst of all that turmoil. I really can't think of to many times in our wedded life that I or even we have been truly happy. We just go through the daily routine. There is no romance. There is no communication. There are really even no common interests. I had to quit my job because of my bad judgment topped with my drinking too much got me in a bad situation. When I was going to that counselor it was to try to sort out what is going on with me in my head. I had to stop seeing her though because she really didn't get me. And now I have no where else for help. I know you think if I get back on meds it would help, but it wouldn't. I can't be a zombie anymore. And now my Dad is dying. He is so frail, and not himself anymore. And I don't know what I am going to do without him.

If you only knew the things that I have done, the men that I have been with. You would be crushed. I cheat on you every time I get the chance. And everyone knows, my friends, family, everyone but you. I have made a cuckold out of you. The worst part is there is only a part of me that is sorry. The rest of me just doesn't know what to think. And the worst part is most are not even nearly as good as you. You work hard, you never complain, and you are a good and honest man, but on the down side you are lazy. I feel like you aren't even concerned with my needs. We used to have great sex. Really great sex. You used to talk to me. You used to hold me. You used to worship me. One day it just stopped. You are too tired. You would rather watch T.V. You would rather spend time with the damn dogs. I feel so alone, especially when I am with you.

I did start to make arrangements for a divorce. I tried to leave. But, with this situation with my family going on I have to wait this out. I really don't want my Dad to find out and go to his death worrying about me. And I really have no where to go. I have no job, though I am really looking. Last night, at the Christmas party that you made me go alone to, I was with another man. You may as well have wrapped me in a damn bow for him. I didn't plan it, but I didn't resist to him at all. Still, I don't think you deserve to be made a fool of in front of all the people who saw us together last night. And I do fell a little bad, but only because this time I may get caught.

I just can't figure out why I can't hold any relationship together. All the major ones all end up just like this. I know it's a pattern. I know I am insanely impulsive. And I know I love the feeling of that newness. I love the feeling of someone who can match my passion. I really don't want to hurt you but I know that I will. That on some level leaves my stomach raw and twisting. I hate being so dishonest. I wish you got my rock and roll soul.


Anonymous said...

To #2258 -

Look sweetie, men aren't mind readers. You told him not to worry about a gift b/c you wanted to make it a special, spoiled Xmas for your kids, right? You can't tell a man not to get a gift and then be upset when you don't get anything. Men are too stupid to understand our "girl" language ya know?

And to #2260 -
Get help. Seriously. It sounds like you've been through a lot of turmoil (i.e losing jobs & your home, Katrina, Dad dying, etc) but you cannot hurt the one person that sounds like he's going to be there for you through thick or thin. It sounds like something is wrong with you mentally, like you said...your impulses are too much to control. Ask about medication for that. There is something out there for you.

Anonymous said...

You must view this. It will make you laugh. He has a man cold:

Men are wussies.

Anonymous said...

#2258: Please, for the love of God (and your husband), step back and re-read your post. This observation is from a husband with a wife that has a gift for finding even the smallest dark cloud obscured by the brightest silver lining: your husband kept his did not.

"I know that we said that we wouldn't buy each other anything" he didn't. Would you prefer he ignore your wishes? When you tell him to stop an annoying habit to you want him to playfully assume you really mean for him to continue the habit? If he 'changed his ways' in that manner you'd turn his every assumption against him and question his intentions at every turn. (i.e. you'd be in control of how he should feel the way you wish he would define your feelings of happiness for you) He seems a decent guy that will do as agreed upon. If you would like a card, tell him you would like a card.

"Small things do really matter to me, no matter what I say" he is not to take seriously anything you say? He should freely interpret what you say in any way he 'feels' you might be 'feeling' when you said it and hope that his interpretation is correct? Yeah, that will work. He should get started on that one right away...

"you need to start changing some of your ways. I love you...but think about me sometimes and my feelings" ...My guess is that he does consider your feelings, which is why he agreed with you to not buy presents for each other in the first place. I read this as you waiting for him (and others in general) to consistently jump start your happiness (i.e. good feelings) while expecting him (and others) to assuage your negative emotions and feelings whenever they occur. In short, you allow others to determine/define how you feel. To some extent, all of us do, but the best kind of happiness comes from within (you define your own happiness and emotional health) regardless of the exterior circumstances.

You did for him what you wanted him to do for you. He did for you what he wanted you to do for him. The only difference in the outcome is you have successfully made him feel like crap for keeping his word and trying to honor what he sincerely believed were your wishes. Congratulations.

Apologies in advance, if required, for the sarcism...this hit way too close to home for me.

Robin in NJ said...

#2252 - You make me so lucky that my partner will eat anything I cook.

#2257 - Feelings are what make us human. Don't beat yourself up for being human. A lot of us will cheat, stray, fool around, whatever you want to call it. Some of us will learn from it. Some won't. Hearts (either yours or his) aren't something to fool around with. Hearts do break. Hugs for you and here's hoping that you heal.

Anonymous said...

2253: Tell him. He may be made from the same mold as my husband. If he stands by you, drives you to counseling, sits in counseling with you, he is the right man for you. Don't you want to know that answer?

Anonymous said...

2251: well said. it's moments like that that give us true clarity. thanks for sharing yours.

2252: i don't know how he sounded when he said it, but it doesn't seem like he was bitching. he offered his opinion two days in a row (and he's actually right in both cases....who doesn't spice the rice for enchiladas?....but anyway that's besides the point). if you're like most women, i'm sure you've given him plenty of unsolicited opinions on a wide variety of subjects. calm down.

2253: i hope telling that, and knowing others are listening, helps you a little with your burden. especially since your last sentence alludes to you committing suicide. i hope long before that day comes, you reach out to friends, other family and those who love you and get the help you need.

2255: he's an insensitive ass, but if you knew what he was going to say then why did you show him the pants? you're probably hoping just once he'll change, but at the same time you're inviting hurt into your heart.

2256: do you think he's tired of your shit, too?

2257: no bashing needed. at least you learned from your indiscretion, unlike so many others. thanks for sharing your story.

2258: i'm of two minds on this one. i'm almost certain that if he got you a card you would have been asking why he couldn't even get you a small gift...after all you got him a GPS. and if he got you something small, well dammit, you got him a GPS...why couldn't he get you something a bit bigger. you basically set him up with this "who really loves who more" contest only he didn't know he was playing. then when the inevitable happens, you sulk outside but smile inside at how much better than him you are. and just to top off your superiority, you buy yourself a gift spending double the money you both agreed not to spend. good job. listen, your man is not obligated to read your mind. we are literal. nothing means nothing. some of us are too smart to get bogged down with feminine logic (i know it's an oxymoron) and double-speak.

my other opinion is that your husband is a dick and you should be a bit upset. even if he didn't buy you a card, he could have written you a note or poem for free or sent you an e-card by email...something.

2260: get back on your meds. being a zombie sounds much better than the asshole you're describing. you're taking glee in your treatment of your husband, even as you feign remorse. pathetic.

Anonymous said...

2252: If my husband said those rude things to me about a meal I spent considerable time and effort creating for him, he wouldn't be eating my cooking until I received an apology. I am so fortunate that he is always so appreciative and complementary. He makes me want to please him. Why can't some men understand that and others get it? Well, that's some mens idea of masculine logic I guess.

I feel for you, sister.

Anonymous said...

reading post after post of women who are so fed up with their lives and everything in them makes me more than grateful for the relationship I have with my husband. I used to have the kind of relationship all of you have with your sig others, but I got out. I decided MY happiness was more important than his. I took control of my life when I felt I had no options and I created options for myself. I was a stay at home mom who hadn't worked for years, i had two small children to care for and I had no money coming into my home. For the first month we were so broke that I could barely feed us, we made trips to the food shelf, and I forced myself to get out into the workforce and support myself and my children. I also was sexually molested, physically abused and verbally beaten in my childhood, physically and verbally in my relationship. I understand where every single one of you is coming from, but I have no sympathy for any of you. You are the only one who has the power to change your situation, even when you feel powerless and in a rut, you have no money, no job. So what. That first month with nothing but ramen noodles and cheap canned fruit in our bellies was the happiest month I had had in 9 LONG years. It was terrifying, but what isn't terrifying in life? Get up and change it people. This place is for venting and I love the fact that it is here for everyone to do that, but NOTHING is as hopeless as you all make it out to be.

Anonymous said...

d it's bad enough you have an opinion about everything but you've taken the cake todat by playing psychoanalyst. It's one thing to comment or provide feedback, it's another to go as far as you have. How in the world can you profess to claim to know what that last sentence means? Your posting here obviously provides some of gratification for you but this has taken it too far. Get a life!

Anonymous said...

7:45, you may be new enough here not to know we're trying not to feed the troll who goes by the name d. I know it's hard at first because he's so blatantly ignorant and in most cases down right stupid, but that's his way of getting attention. It's weird but it's true. Just let him make a fool out of himself and if we don't remark on his stupidity, then he'll get bored and troll some other unfortunate site. It use to get our attention, now it's just funny to read, for me at least. Join our force: don't
feed him!

On to important stuff:
7:39- I had a very similar experience. My first husband was and is still the biggest asshole I have EVER met. I got knocked-up and was forced to marry him (I come from an Old South type of family) so I did, but the moment my daughter witnessed his uncontrollable anger (she was 18 months old), his ass hit the street. Now, I did have a very loving family for support, but financialy, I did it on my own. For ten years. Never thought I'd marry again until I met the most wonderful man; I can't explain how great this guy is. Without giving boring details, we are happy, and wealthy and my daughter is in college. And her bio dad is still a miserable asshole with a miserable wife and a miserable life. My point is yours as well: you CAN do it, it's scary and hard, but sooooooo worth it. God bless those facing the scary prospect of leaving an abusive relationship. Treasures untold await you, if you dare.
In all conscienceness, I must add that if your husband is violent, you have to get some professional back up before leaving. Not doing so is a very risky thing and could cause you and your children great harm. But in can be done. I feel for you, and wish the best.

Anonymous said...

It's okay. You're not the only one. And I've driven away so many people who just wanted to love me, because I'm scared and I can't be close to anyone. Everything hurts me so much now, because underneath I'm one big walking wound with the thinnest layer of skin over the top.
You can leave your father. Break up with him. Dump him. Chase HIM away, not everyone else. Just because he doesn't want to let you go doesn't mean YOU can't leave. Your life doesn't belong to him any more and he has no right to take away everything beautiful from you.
It's not your fault. It's not any of our faults. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and what you're still going through, and I hope you find the strength to close the father-dominated chapter of your life and start a new one of your own.

Anonymous said...

Well, I am #2258. I didn't realize that I was going to get bashed for expressing my feelings on here. I just assumed that it was a free place to let it out. I do understand that we said no gifts, but if you knew my husband, which I didn't make clear, he would normally do it anyways. Maybe I just hold hm up to a higher standard than most women do their husbands. I wasn't trying to prove who loved who more by getting him a GPS System. He told me that he needed one for his new job so I stayed up until 2 am one night researching them so that I could find him the perfect one. He also did know a week ahead of time that I bought him something because it slipped. I am not an insensitive, spoiled bitch as it may sound. I took in my husband's 6 year old son who I didn't even know who had been severely abused by his birth mother and have dealt mostly by myself with everything that this kid has thrown at me. Maybe I will think twice befor I post my feelings again. Thak you for your "kind" words.

Anonymous said...


you get it all here. you'll get blind support for everything you say, you'll get endless handholding and sometimes (at least when i respond) you'll get something more. telling you how wrong you are is not's just letting you know that you're wrong in this situation. that's all.

the great thing is nobody knows who you are so you can accept it or let it roll off your back.

7:45, you get a life.

9:41, you're a cornball.

Anonymous said...

Eliminate your father from your life - not the man who sounds like he is the one for you. Seek help - ask your guy to go with you (if that's what your counselor recommends). Your father is the terribly unhealthy influence in your life - NO ONE that loves you punches you in the face or beats the hell out of you - EVER. Mental abuse - physical abuse, that is unconscionable. Him stalking you - being such a big portion of an adult child's life is an unnatural obsession. And alluding to suicide is not the answer. Do you not see that ending your life means that the man that loves you loses you forever? And that your father wins? Please - do not continue to alienate someone that does care about you. Take it from someone who has played that game and LOST. Miserably. Please, please call someone and talk to them. I implore you. I've walked in your shoes and I don't want to see another person end up alone, full of regrets, wishing they'd had someone to help them. Let us know what you decide to do. I'll keep you in my heart.

Omar Alexander said...

I'm a man who was in the same situation as #2258. My and wife and I made a deal of no gifts to each other this Christmas since we had already made some major fun purchases this year. Come Christmas day my wife surprises me with the most beautiful watch I have ever seen. I felt bad and told her I didn't get her anything. She simply told me that she was aware of our deal and she bought me the watch fully knowing I probably would stick to the deal. Next time just make it clear. There is nothing wrong with wanting a gift, just don't play the mind games of "I don't want a gift" and expect him to go get one. This applies to everything in life in and out of marriage, be clear about what you want and just say it. If something this board has taught me is that the clearer, more honest you are about your feelings and desires, the easier and better life becomes.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I am SO sorry that your father is such a monster. Please get some counseling. I think it will help you tremendously. I agree with the posters who said to kick him out of your life. He's horrible, toxic poison. I hope you get some help. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

#2253, please, go to a shelter, or a friend's -- anywhere you can get away from your father. And please talk to someone. Killing yourself is NOT the answer. This is not your fault, and you deserve to be happy. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Now that's how to give advice, Omar. Well said. The best advice comes from someone who knows something about the situation the connfesser is going through, not just shooting off one-liners or insults, or know-it-all "solutions". Good on you, Omar.

Anonymous said...

Omar, you're absolutely right.

2258, if your husband is alive, well and wished you a Merry Christmas, be thankful for that.

If you wanted to get him something out of the goodness of your heart, then enjoy that feeling of giving out of love, but don't pout that he didn't reciprocate because he couldn't read your mind.

Anonymous said...

I'm a cornball, am I? Hmmm. What makes you make such a statement? Why do you file those feelings of mine under "cornball"? That I actually live a happy, well adjusted life and that I had to wait and work for that kind of life? Do you think I exagerate my husbands attributes? You're so jaded or ignorant to not know that men and women can have a really happy life together? More likely, you yourself can't be a husband, or even boyfriend that can provide the kind of mature, open-minded, understanding, non-judgemental affection that my husband shows to me on an almost daily basis. And further, you don't think a woman can do the same. Well, wrong asshole. You don't have the life experience to be judging any wife here. You don't have the common sense to be judging any woman here. It's clear you don't even have the respect required towards women to be judging here. In fact, you, nor anyone has a right to judge, but at least some men that comment have experiences that they can draw on. But you take it to an extreme and that, asshole, is damaging. You made a woman here feel like she's going to think twice before confessing again. Well done. Good job. Yes, THAT is the point of this site. NOT to get shit off her chest, but to hear from assholes like you why she's so wrong. You don't know anything, d. Nata. Zero. You have nothing to say of any importance because you have zero knowledge of marriage. Or, it seems of relationships between a man and a woman. That's why you think my comment is "cornball", isn't it? You will never get it. My husband loves me and adores me and I feel the same if not more about him and you just can't grasp that, can you? So you come here and insult women that you have no clue about. Nothing. No past experiences, just nothing to offer. Except judgement and insults and "oh what would I do if I lived this fantasy life"? Well, the answer is: I'd be an asshole. You are unmarried and alone for a very good reason. You hate women. Look back and see the words you use: "pathetic" , "feminine logic is an oxymoron", "don't you think he's sick of your shit too".
Really why are you here on this site? You really that fucking lonely that this is ALL you have? A site for women to confess their deepest thoughts and you feel a great pulling inside you to visit this site day after day many times more than once a day to distribute your opinions that you know nothing about first hand? And then to further your fucked up opinions by challenging us in the comment section? You are one fucked up tool. Notice this, you twat; you don't ever post a connfession, do you? No. Why? Cause it's for wives to confess, isn't it? Leaves you and your deepest thoughts out of the way of harm or ridicule, doesn't it?

I know, I know. Blah, blah, blah it's a free site, yada yada, I have a right to my express my yada yada, why are you so yada on my opinions. Will. You. Toss. Off. For fucks sake, you tool, go away. I am so bloody sick of you and I know others are as well, so why keep this up? You've already got a girl saying she's not going to post again because of you. Don't you get it by now? Your the toad that women kiss before they meet the right man. That's your new name here until you leave. Toad.

Anonymous said...

10:19, nobody cares about u or your low standards-havin man. i guarantee people here hate your long-winded babbling rants focused soley on me more than they dislike my posts. i just wanted to bait you a bit because you're a gullible chickenhead and it's so easy to i'll go back to ignoring you.

omar, good advice. being honest is the way to go instead of playing mind games.

Anonymous said...

You are very wrong Toad. People hate YOU! You don't have anything to offer to this site as far as life experience goes. Why don't you take a flying leap at a doughnut rolling uphill. That should keep you busy for a while.

Anonymous said...

Thanks 9:05!! He's such a douche.

Anonymous said...

don't feed the troll!!

Unknown said...

I know I'm not a woman, but I am a husband and married to a wonderful woman. I wouldn't normally comment, but...

2253, I want to join with the others in encouraging you to talk to someone! If your father is that frightening, go to a DV shelter, you will most likely qualify for free counseling at a local community mental health organization, take advantage of it, PLEASE.
Your father is not worth you doing anything to yourself. Whether you remain in the relationship with the boyfriend is basically irrelevant to the situation if you plan to "end it all" so focus on you right now and if the boyfriend can be supportive and there for you, maybe you shouldn't push him away.

Seek help, and I mean that sincerely. Get away from your father before he kills you.
I don't mean that in a "toxic relationship" kind of way. If he has abused you and used you in ways that he would a wife, it's possible that he would escalate to that. The statistics bear that out. Get away.

At the time he made a fist to hit you, he stopped being a father and now only has the right to be called a sperm donor.

Anonymous said...

2253: I so agree with 9:49 and others. This man is not your father in any way that equals what a real father is. Like 949 said, he's just a sperm donor, he's just DNA. You don't owe him anything. He's garbage and you have nothing to do with that. What happened is the most vile of crimes and he's still injecting himself into your life. Let him go and talk to someone, anyone, who you trust.
You owe yourself a lot of respect and kindness. And you owe your boyfriend the truth. He can help you through this if he's a good man. You can live a true and real life, with nothing to hide. You only have to start with the truth. I get from your post that you're afraid but you can end that fear; you can live your life without fear. I will be thinking of you and the brave move you've made by posting here.

SUEB0B said...

2253 Please please please get some counseling. You deserve a good life. Your man sounds like a good one. Confide in him and ask him to help you make a new life away from the monster father. You do not need your father for anything. Go as far away as it takes.

You might want to learn to fight, through a course like Impact or Model Mugging (look it up on Google). It might help you to heal.

I wish you the very best.

Anonymous said...

2252 here -- thanks, y'all. I think that "he makes me *want* to please him" is a very good point; it's much more likely I'll work hard and remember the extras for someone who will thank me for it.

Possibly my husband believes that, because we agreed I'm the cook around here for at least a year, I'll put food on the table no matter what, and therefore he doesn't need to be polite about it. We've already had one huge fight about this. It ended up with him really feeling awful ... and that night he did not say "thank you" for the supper. Same as usual.

I think I'm going to quit bringing the food to the table unless he says "thank you" first. This is such a small thing but it is such a huge thorn in my side. How the hell hard is it to say "thank you" for food?

Anonymous said...

2253: You are not alone. So many of us have had our bodies, minds and our trust abused. I did. But I'm here to tell you that you CAN move past the abuse, and you CAN learn to trust loving and caring people (especially a loving and caring man) but first you need to love and care for YOURSELF.

Love yourself enough to see that what your father has done an continues to do is manipulative and controlling, and it's driven by his own weakness and sickness, NOT by anything you may imagine you've done.

I was sexually molested by my brother for many years. When I finally got the courage to tell my parents (as an adult) they expresed no surprise and no sympathy. I no longer need people who are toxic and unloving, uncaring and unsupportive in my life, and neither do you.

Love and care about yourself, please see if your employer has an EAP program, or contact your health insurance provider and see about counseling. I did, and it was the gift that saved my life.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. ~Lola

Anonymous said...

2258, I'm really confused now. Do you mean that your husband would have normally gotten you a gift even when you guys said you weren't going to get each other gifts? Like, you buy each other gifts from Santa?

If that's the case, then yes I'd be upset. If you both knew that you were just kidding around but he's sticking to the "What? We said no gifts!", then yep, I'd be upset.

But, if you had a serious conversation about finances and agreed that gifts for each other just weren't possible this year, then your anger is a little puzzling.

I do understand how one thing that seems small or unjustified or petty can become symbolic of bigger issues in the relationship.

Anonymous said...

Well, what I get from her further explanation in the comment section is that he knew she had gotten him something a couple of weeks before Xmas, even though they said they wouldn't exchange this year. So I can understand that that hurt her. The communtication kinda broke down for them. I think he should have gotten her a little something. Even sweet sentiments written in a card or something along those lines would have gone a long way.

Anonymous said...

Hey 2258, why are you complaining? You said you both agreed not to do anything and then you get mad at him for not doing anything? Talk about mixed messages.

I used to be just like you and then I realized how unfair it was to my husband to have to try and guess what I really meant all the time. If you want presents, tell him that.

Anonymous said...

2253- You can survive this. I did. I know it is scary to think of getting away from your father and it is, most likely, the last thing you think you will be able to do, but one day...he will not be there. If you think you can find somewhere to get help, then do it. please.

Someday, you will see that, though this has been the most horrible aspect of your life, it has made you stronger. I will pray that you find the courage to find your way.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry your feelings might have been hurt from the lack of support. Lack of a card may be big to you, but you're in there right next to abusive husbands or cheating wives. Your feelings aren't trivial but the issue certainly pales by comparison.

Men don't often put the same importance on cards and small things like women generally do. And men, like women, aren't perfect.

Anonymous said...

2252, my husband used to do this occasionally - he'd say something like: "next time, why don't you do x y or z?" and dinner would wind up in the trash. After he commented 2 or 3 times like this and I trashed dinner 2 or 3 times, he stopped. He eats everything with a big smile. Sometimes he'll make a comment but say right away, "but I like it!"

Like training a puppy sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Dear #2258,

don't set the ones you love up for failure. My mother used to be just like that. She would always announce and insist that she didn't want anything for xmas, mother's day, birthday, because we shouldn't spend any money on her. My father, my siblings and I ignored her, of course, and showered her with nice gifts. But she would sulk and protest and feign indignation and we'd all have a miserable day. One mother's day I guess we had enough and didn't have the heart to even look for presents. Oh boy, the drama! She sulked twice as much, she even cried, and did not let us forget the inattention for a long looong time.

The only thing she accomplished is we all felt like crap, presents or no presents, and I for one still dread all sorts of celebrations.

Please, rethink. Be honest and frank. Don't set traps for your husband and for yourself. There's no happiness in it.