Wednesday, December 19, 2007

True Wife Confession 225 number of squares on a Scrabble board.

Confession #2241

Our relationship and marriage started off almost 8 years ago today and I'm in need of something new. I love you but hate to be around you. There is just something about the way you treat me that has caused me to start having these feelings. I pretend I'm doing other things just to not be around you. Now the end is coming I'm afraid. The last time we had sex because it sure wasn't making love I felt nothing. I was numb to everything. I didn't enjoy it I won't even lie. After you finished you didn't even ask me if I was done you just rolled over and went to sleep like I wasn't even there. Well now I'm taking a stand. I've bought my own personal sex toy and I must say it has out performed you in the bedroom numerous times. Does this make you wonder that a silicon vibrator is better in bed then you are. It's sad. You have already lost me and every part of me. Now it's time I should tell you to go and move along. Maybe I'll tell you on Christmas.

Confession #2242

I haven't posted to TWC before, although I've spent longer than I should have, at work, reading through the posts and identifying with many!

I have done something so ridiculous, so utterly not like me and so amazingly dangerous and stupid that despite the fact I know I did it I can't believe myself.

For a long time, well over a year, the husband and I have been talking about separating. We'd had a baby and suddenly, the usual cracks just started to gape and the distances between us got wider and it just didn't seem worth it. I couldn't remember what it was like to be first married, although I was sure it had been wonderful; but the feelings escaped me completely. We were tied up in footling minutiae and sniping at each other, scoring points and being generally horrid. I was more horrid than him.

For a very long time indeed I've had a male friend who had also been a sometime lover before I was married - definitely unfinished business. For some reason I have never yet been able to explain to myself I let this man seduce me by email, really believed what he was saying to me, actively participated in making a fool of myself in print, and then, god help me, met up with him and had sex.

Suddenly, the moment I got home, I realised with horror what I'd done and what I had to lose. A husband who loves me and understands me, someone who doesn't get mad or shut himself off or make himself emotionally unavailable, someone who doesn't play mind games. Someone who is actually THERE, at home and there for me. I stood to lose my child, at least for half the time. I stood to lose my home, which we've worked so hard for and at, and which is so much more than a house. My garden.

I guess I could have avoided the issue and tried to forget it - I'm not built like that. Come what may, admitting the crime means at least you care enough to take the flak. I did admit the crime, and it was terrible... days of talking and crying and knowing that the man I married was bitterly disappointed in me and that he would never look at me the same way again. That's hard to live with. Every day I wake up feeling as though there was something terrible that I've forgotten - and then I remember that there is. I am an adultress.

My thoughts constantly turn back to 'why?'. Why go there at all? Why indulge in this pseudo-spiritual email nonsense? Why let this person fool and bamboozle me again after all the times they've done it before? Why believe in them, when they so patently don't believe in me? What was I hoping to gain? I knew this person would never leave their parter for me - there was no chance at all. Was that even what I wanted?

All I can think was, it was like a suicide. I threw myself off the bridge, under the car, whatever; in the second or two before impact I suddenly changed my mind because the important things suddenly jumped into focus. It's not a very good explanation I know. But it's all I can come up with.

I am now struggling to get back to some semblance of normality, shaking with disbelief that I've been offered a chance to continue being married, straining to think of things that will show how much I care, how much I cared but didn't show it. Trying so hard to keep the petty, small-minded, pointless badgering inside. I don't need to treat this man among men that way - in the end, he's proved himself the spiritual and emotional equal of anyone else on the planet; he's proved he has a generous, forgiving and loving nature, and he's proved he loves me.

Just need another 75 or 80 years now to try and make up for even one iota of this stupid, sordid, pathetic, self-inflicted mess. I'll do it or die trying.

Confession #2243

My days are spent at a computer engaged in technical writing, so I am not as verbal or eloquent about my feelings as you are. When I do have something sweet to say, I wish you'd stop interrupting me with your own compliments. They're lovely sentiments, but they derail my train of thoughts and I end up irritated. Just listen and give me a kiss when I'm done.

Confession #2244

Dear Husband,

When I went away a few months ago to visit my girlfriend, I did. But I spent all of the nights with another man in my hotel room. It wasn't what I'd planned on. I'd talked to him some before, there were certainly sexual undertones, but I never dreamed either of us would cross that line. We didn't sleep together, but we came awfully close. He took me to dinner. He paid my taxi fare. He made me feel beautiful, sexy and absolutely like the only woman in the room.

And I realized on my way home that I didn't feel bad for lying in his arms, and not yours. I realized that this man made me feel inheritantly female. And you stopped after our child was born. You don't like the way I look. You tell me if I would only lose this or that, change this or that, you'd want to sleep with me again.

This man ran his hands all over my body, past the imperfections, and made my world spin madly around.

He is asking me to fly back out, but I am refusing.

I still want that feeling with you.


Confession #2245

My Husband:

I love you more than I can express. I can't imagine my life without
you. I love the life we have. I love that we have a beautiful 3
month old son. I love that you only want me to be happy and want to
do anything in your power to make me happy even though I am suffering
from postpartum depression. I love that you work hard everyday to
allow me to be a stay at home mom. I love you that you think I am
sexy even though I don't feel like it. I love that I feel safe
with you. I love that my friends are jealous of me because I have a
husband isn't afraid to show his love for me. I am one of the
luckiest women I know. I love you, My love biscuit.

Your Wife

Confession #2246

I think I might be pregnant.

I already know what you will say if I am. My answer is already no. If I am pregnant, we will be having this baby, so I wish I could tell you somehow to not even bother asking.

Confession #2247

I cannot believe how much you disrespected me in front of my coworkers. Every time you were telling me to shut up I would look up and someone would be staring at us and then give us an awkward smile. It was embarrassing, I was having a good time and you ruined it. YOU ASS, I work all year long and don't ever get a raise or a bonus or even a thank you, except for the Christmas party, and you turned it into treat me like shit night. You're an ass.


Confession #2248

Given the opportunity, I will have a Lesbian experience. I love you. I love being with a man. But, I can't help but think that I am missing out on something by not exploring my Bi curiosity.

Confession #2249

I really, really hate you. You are putting nails in the coffin of our marriage, one by one, slowly but surely. Do you not see how selfish you are? Do you not notice that I do nothing extra for you anymore, when I used to enjoy doing so many things for you, going out of my way to be nice and helpful to you. It's not just because I'm a bitch, it's because I'm sick and tired of doing for you and doing for you and getting nothing in return.

It's a shame that your job, hell, everything is more important to you than your family. You can't put our family or me first and it's sad. You're going to be one lonely guy and it's going to be all of your own doing. Your job is sucking you dry and you're letting it happen. The place would survive without you being there putting in all the long hours that you do, that amazingly you don't get paid for, as you're salaried and get no comp time.

I have so very little respect for you. Your kids know how you are and contrary to what you think, I don't talk bad about you to them. They can see how you are, how you have no time for them and don't want to spend time with them ever. Sad.

Confession #2250

There's a reason it's called "work". If it were fun, we'd pay THEM to do it. I'm sick of hearing you complain about it.

21 comments:

Dawn said...

Just a reminder that I only print confessions when I have ten to make up a chapter. Since they are generated from readers/contributors, my control over the ebb and flow is limited.

Anonymous said...

2242: Your story is heartbreaking. I hope the two of you gets some counseling and start mending your relationship ASAP. You messed up, you admitted it, now you have to heal. Beating yourself up is not going to do any good to you or your husband.

God Bless, and the very best wishes to you and your family.

denae said...

#2248 - Try it! Having an experience with a woman is amazing, and something that you should not miss out on! Best of luck to you!

#2246 - Don't have a child with a man who doesn't want to be a father, it will end miserably for yourself and your baby. Figure out what to do, leave him, or have a pregnancy termination but if you force this kind of responsibility it will end in ferocious anger and spite.

Anonymous said...

2244: Your story reads like a copy of mine. Good luck and I hope it gives you a little comfort knowing there is someone else out there going through the same struggle.

steph said...

#2246: I disagree. It's your body. Choose to keep your baby if you wish. You sound like you'll be a great mom.

Anonymous said...

#2246:: True, it IS your body, and if you want the baby, keep it. Just don't be terribly surprised if he walks away -- or if you end up being alone even when you're with him. You can make him pay his fair share if you hang in there, but you can't make him be a father.

Anonymous said...

#2248

Good job on trying to sabotage your marriage. How about not acting on your destructive impulses and focusing on your marriage instead?

Anonymous said...

#2248

Unless you have an agreed upon open relationship it is cheating, regardless of gender. I have a hard time believing you'd be impassive if your partner decided to explore some bi-curiosity of his own.

Anonymous said...

#2250 must be my husband since he knows I read this blog often... and if it is, I have only one thing to say to you dear... STFU! You try working for my boss, of course that would mean you would have to actually do some work instead of reading porn most of the day.

Anonymous said...

9:22 oh holy shit! But why did you tell him about this site in the first place? Don't shit where you eat, girlfriend! Marriage 101. Hell, LIFE 101.
I hope you work it out.

Anonymous said...

9:22 - 2250 is not your husband. My boyfriend worked a crappy retail job with an abusive store manager. He complained for months that they were short staffed, that he wasn't getting his breaks or lunches on time, that he was tired of trying to help customers AND finish the manager's "special projects" when he was alone on the floor. I finally reminded him that nobody ever went into retail for long-term meaningful work, and that he could either find another job or shut up about it. He transferred to another store, and after a rocky transition seems to enjoy his new location a lot better.

If you find yourself miserable and complaining about the same shit over and over, either speak up (to upper management and/or HR) or find another job. It's okay to vent once in a while, but if it's really that bad you're doing yourself and your family a grave disservice.

My ex-boyfriend spent all day looking at porn and playing games instead of looking for a job. I wasted a year waiting for him to grow up before I had enough and kicked him out. Once he knew he couldn't rely on me to pay his bills he MIRACULOUSLY found a job and moved out within the week. Breaking up with him is the best thing I ever did - for both of us.

Anonymous said...

11:32, I never told him about this site. Sometimes I find him looking over my shoulder as I read the various message boards and blogs I visit. I'm sure he's also checked my history, which is why I clear it before leaving the computer.

I'm glad it was someone else posting. I thought he was more understanding of my job stress.

11:12, I wish it was that easy. Our technology group is so political, the HR team is there to protect the management, not make it a better work environment. I have a few more months before I am eligible for pension benefits before I begin circulating my resume.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Anonymous said...

4:43, I'm 11:32. I hope everything works out for you in the coming new year and I have a good feeling it will. I can only speak for myself and I understand completely the whole different strokes for different folks, but I can't imagine ever peering over my husbands shoulder to see what he's looking at on line. To me, that's the same as opening his mail. And holy shit, if he ever did that to me? Well, it wouldn't happen because he's not that kind of man. We trust each other and also understand that just because we're married doesn't mean we have to give up our rights to our privacy.

Sending my good wishes your way.

And to Dawn and all the TW --Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkuh, Merry Kawannza.

badfae said...

#2241: Communication!

#2242: Your suicide analogy is perfect. In a way, it sounds like that's just what happened, at least subconsciously: relationship suicide. It's wonderful that your husband is able to forgive you...but the next step is to forgive yourself. It might help to try to figure out what it was that made you falter in the first place--my guess is it has more to do with wanting to capture some bit of your "old self" than the guy in question (or your husband. Good luck to you :)

#2243: I think that's kind of cute ^_^ Try telling him/her what you said here--that you appreciate his/her words, and your own feelings are equally strong, but it just takes you some time to put them into words. You might find that your partner is more patient than you expected!

#2244: While you don't necessarily have to tell him what happened while you were away (although I think it would be a really good idea to do so), it sounds like he doesn't understand what his words are doing to you. Or, if he does and is being *intentionally* hurtful...sad to say, it might be time to consider going your separate ways and finding someone who won't make you feel like you don't measure up.

#2245: Aaawwwwww. It's so nice to read a positive confession!

#2246: Tell him you're pregnant--he has the right to know--but don't be surprised if you end up in this alone. My hope is that he'll surprise you and be supportive...but...well...

#2247: You are in an abusive relationship. Even if he doesn't hit you, THIS is abuse. He needs help...and, if he refuses to get it, I am sure you can do MUCH better.

#2248: Tell him! Who knows, he may surprise you and be supportive of the idea (and not just because of how so many guys are when it comes to "hawt bi chicks" :-P ). I had figured my time for "experimentation" had forever fled me when I got married, but, as it happens, my husband actually *wants* me to explore my sexuality and get to know myself a bit better. Just be sure to keep reminding him how much you love and appreciate him, and how attractive he is to you.

#2249: Communication!

#2250: If he can't vent to you, who can he vent to? It may annoy you, but, chances are, you are the only person he feels safe complaining about it to. It seems like it might be better to be irritated by complaints than to have a partner who internalizes his anger and then lets it seep out into every other aspect of his life. On the other hand...if he complains to anyone who will listen and/or takes his job stress out on others, well, then you have a problem :-P

Anonymous said...

8:31pm, you hit the nail right on the head, TRUST!

Anonymous said...

Why thank you, 12:35!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous re: 2244:

I am the poster of #2244. And he DOES know what he says and he knows they hurt. He tells me he belittles me in hopes I will change and become a SIX not an EIGHT.

I don't regret my decision, and I will never share that decision with him.

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badfae said...

#2244: Well, in that case...he's an unrepentant abuser; he can only change if he wants to, and it sounds like he has absolutely no desire to do so. Cut him loose--you're better off without him.

Anonymous said...

RE: 2250

Badfae - isn't the definition of "crazy" doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I listened to him complain about that job for months before I had enough. I'd try to tell him about my day, and he'd change the subject to his terrible day at work. The straw that broke the camel's back was the night I was trying to seduce him and all he wanted to do was complain about work. It was tainting everything good in his life.

badfae said...

Oh, wow...that IS bad. Yeah, I can definitely see why you got mad about it, then! I'm glad he apparently (finally) did something about it.