Monday, May 28, 2007

True Wife Confessions 187 Deep Cover

Confession #1861

You didn't ask me to have sex. You didn't ask me if I wanted to have
sex. (I don't.) You just grabbed my itchy, tender, still
milk-producing breasts and squeezed them as if you were kneading
bread. I feel like I didn't even have to be there. And now I'm
awake and you're fast asleep, with no idea how much I hurt.
I decided to have sex since the argument would have taken longer
and both of us would be hurting, instead of just me.

Confession #1862

To My Husband,

I'm trying so hard to remember why I fell in love with you. Every kiss, every touch, every intimate encounter just leaves me feeling more empty and lonely and more frightened to face tomorrow. The anti-depressants aren't helping. I stopped therapy because you were uncomfortable with it, with me talking about "us" to a stranger. And yet you hate it when I talk to friends or even my sister. You don't understand why I need to talk to someone about my feelings when I have you. But what do you do when I talk to you? You try to humor me or kiss me quiet, invalidating my very thoughts and feelings. So now I don't talk to anyone about what I'm going through. When you ask me "what'cha thinkin?" I make something up just to avoid telling you that I'm sinking.

It's been 9 months since I tried to end my life and my pain. I can't tell you how many times since then I've thought of trying again. I can't tell you how many times I've just wanted to escape the pain and loneliness that my life has become. And you dear husband are the source of that pain and loneliness and even knowing that, I feel utterly powerless to leave you and love myself enough to make a fresh start.

Maybe if I didn't keep catching you in lies, maybe if I didn't have such a strong gut instinct that you're leading a double life, maybe if my gut instincts or sixth sense or whatever the hell it is that keeps telling me you're up to something didn't continue to prove me right, maybe then I could feel some sence of peace and happiness and hope. But your actions have robbed me of that and the hell of it is ... I've allowed it. From the start I looked the other way even when I knew in my heart that you were playing me. Again and again I've made excuses for your awful lies, even to myself.

I'm so tired of lying to myself about you. I'm tired of pretending to be happy for family and friends, and even for you. I'm tired of wanting so desperately to feel something when you touch me that I've started to fantasize about anyone else just to feel alive in that moment. I'm so tired of living this lie my life has become. And I am so tired of wanting you to love me so badly that I accept every crumb you toss my way as if it were diamonds.

I don't know if I can find the strength to find my way out of this, but I'm going to pray for God's help and guidance. One way or another, I have to get out.

Confession #1863

The other morning, you yelled at me for putting my coffee cup on the floor. Your reason? "Sometimes coffee stains wooden floors", and although mine was in an insulated mug, that wasn't good enough.

I looked at you and said "Don't worry - this won't be forever" and you looked at me and replied "Yes, you Know that right?"

And the strange thing? I do know that. I know we will not be married forever and I am sad and relieved at the same time. You know it. I know it.

Confession #1864

My husband,
You are a very wealthy man, however that does not make you "King". Your disrespect for me is the reason you make my skin crawl. I hate that your ignorant and stuck in 1985. It's embarrassing that I have chosen you. I hope I can hide my feelings long enough that my boys turn out like men should be, not a lot like you.

Confession #1865

You are a dick. First of all, our marriage broke up because of you and your internet porn addiction. You were excited at first by my sexuality, and then it somehow became "too much effort." Voila! There's you sitting at the computer with a boner in your sweatpants that you have absolutely no intention of giving to me-- because it's "too much effort."

What kind of guy turns down a blowjob, anyway?

Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, let bygones be bygones, shall we? We parted on terrible terms two and a half years ago. That doesn't mean that you can't break email silence for four freakin' seconds to send me your new address so I can divorce your ass. You are simply making this more expensive for ME to push through (nevermind the fact you owe me 4K that I'd really like back, NOW, please). We have been separated for over two years. I know you receive my emails because they don't bounce back and I see you active on chat constantly. So you are simply being childish. Or stupid. I was never quite certain which one it was with you.

The man I'm with now, by the way, rails me morning noon and night every chance he gets. And he gets lavish blowjobs, and loves every minute of them. He is vocal and appreciative and just downright sweet-- only he has a female equivalent of YOU in his background, so every day we are both dealing with self-esteem issues caused by selfish exes.

Also, I was always hot. It's just that after I dumped you, I got hotter.

You made me nuts and that shadowed a period of my life that should have been one of the best. I could wring your neck for that. But, strangely, I sometimes think of you with affection. If we had just stayed friends, instead of doing the whole move-across-the-country dramatic-elopement thing, we would probably still be speaking. The sex would not have gotten in the way.

Ah well. That'll learn me to take boys' virginities. I swear to God, I mean it this time, that you are my last deflowering. Here's to hoping the divorce goes through as a non-response no-fault. Cheers.

Confession #1866

Quit pushing me! It is rude to move someone physically who is
capable of moving on her own. Stop it! It borders on violence; it
is not necessary; I have asked you to stop repeatedly. Stop it!

Confession #1867

Why don't you believe me when I say I hate you and want you out of my life. I don't know what else I can do or say to make you want to leave. Don't you see how our kids are affected. I've gone through soooo much with you it's unreal but this last episode just put me over the top. I sit and wonder every day how you could have been so cruel to me when I have always been here for you. For the last 15 years the only thing good I have gotten from you is our children. I'm tired of you using the excuse of your childhood and how you didn't have much of a family and you don't know how to be a good father/husband. PLEASE that excuse has well worn itself out. I can't even image how many times you have cheated on me and just thinking about it hurts so bad because I never did that to you. It's like you never cared at all about me to be able to do what you have done. You know the sad part is that I use to pray that you would find someone else and just leave me but it never happened that way and then to cheat on me with someone so close to home just kills me inside. I want you out so badly but I won't leave my kids and you won't let me take them even through I said I would be OK with joint custody. I don't want to be a bitch, I want you to have time with your kids and don't you see that we would both be better parents apart then we are together. Don't you see that your oldest son already hates you. Can't you tell? You belittle him so much and it hurts me inside to see his pain. I'm tempted to just quit my job and just move out of state so you can't find us but I don't think I could do that because I do want you to be in their lives. I would like them to see the best of both of us. I hate the fact that you constantly put me down and say what a horrible person I am. I am a good person and nothing you can say or do will change that. I know that when you belittle me your only talking about yourself but I'm getting real tired of hearing it now. It's horrible for me to say but I wish bad things on you. I just want out.. I explain to the kids all the time that this is not a normal relationship but I'm afraid when they grow up because of seeing what they do that they too will have failed relationships. PLEASE LEAVE!!!

Confession #1868

I wish I had the balls to get this divorce moving RIGHT FUCKING NOW. There is nothing left to you and me, your three other girlfriends can fucking well have you (although I am going to warn the one what a creep you are, because she thinks you're her one and only, and guess what, sorry sister, take a number). But the fact of the matter is, until I get my finances in order, I need you to keep living with me. We are cordial enough, but you make me completely sick to my stomach, and my heart bleeds for whatever girl you're getting your hooks into now. I hope she is smarter than me and sees you for the narcissistic con man you are before she invests too much of her life or finances in you. So for now I hang on, smile, and take your checks. Little do you know I'm socking money away for day when you pack up your pathetic self and get out of my home, and go back to your mama or whatever it is you're going to do, I care little.

Why couldn't I have found out about this before we closed on this house and not three weeks after? True, I wouldn't have had my dream house, but I also could have walked away from your cheating self, gone back to my parents, and not suffered this additional year of hell you're put me through. This was the best Mother's Day I've had in years, because I was able to spend it with my mother, who I love more than anything in this world, and not waste it with your bitch from hell maternal unit, who isn't sure whether she hates me, you, your father, or herself most. I really am going to have a fabulous life once you're gone.

Last night I met someone totally great, cute, polite, funny, stable (unlike you). And he thinks I'm beautiful! Weight issues and all, he thinks I'm gorgeous. He also seems to appreciate my brains and independence, the very things you wanted to bury. He is fantastic, and I am going to enjoy every schoolgirlish, silly moment of this. But at the same time it's in the back of my head that maybe he's the kind of man I was supposed to marry. Funny that he's totally different from you!

Guess what, you jackass? You lost. I know I am not crazy, that I am every bit as smart and sane and able to take care of myself as everyone else seems to think I am, that I am a beautiful woman with a lot to offer. I'm not this sad, fucked up, pathetic mess you want me to believe I am. You didn't break me down, you didn't give me any of your filthy diseases. and have now failed in your effort to convince me that I'm worthless.You lost, and you're not going to win me back. I am done being your punching bag.

Confession #1869

I don't want to have another baby this year. I have told you that
and told you that. Ask me next year.
I am barely keeping it together as it is; I can't do this and be
pregnant right now.

Confession #1870

Its been two years ago this week that you left your son and I. Two years since you left saying that you would call as soon as you landed back home, two years ago since you said that you loved me, you loved our son, and that you loved my girls. Its been two years since you said that everything would work out, and that we would see each other as soon as we could, within 3 months or so. Its been two years since you kissed my tears away, Its been two years since I've heard your voice, felt your touch, looked into your eyes. Its been two years since I so willingly trusted you and thought that everything was going to be allright.
It took 2 days for the reality to sink in, 2 days before you made the break, 2 days before you didn't call just to hear my voice, 2 days after you left the UK. Then you got on a plane out of Germany and then there was nothing. I went through hell, wondering what I did wrong, why you made promises that you had no intention on keeping. There was NOTHING for months, not a phone call, not an email, not a letter telling me to go to hell. I had given up on hearing from you. I "knew" that everything we had was a lie.

Then after 5 months you sent an email, and had the nerve to get pissed off at me when I told mutual friends that I had gotten an email from you and they emailed you before I did.

And when I wrote you and told you that I had to compose my thoughts before I responded, you were pissed at me even more. Excuse me for not spreading my arms wide open to you after one email, one email that made absolutely no sense what so ever. You claimed that your life had gone to shit, well what do you think happened to mine? I was left to pick up the pieces, with two little girls that thought you hung the moon and a little boy whose da just disappeared, and he was too little to understand where he went, words didn't work for a 10 month old.

Then it was like you couldnt handle hearing what your disappearing act did to the people you left behind. Because 3 emails later and you closed your email accounts, and fell off the face of the earth again.

It has taken me all this time 1 year 7 months, to realize that you really are gone, that you really are never going call, that you really are never going to email, that you really are never going to show up on my doorstep.

I don't know if I miss the physical aspect of our relationship, more or the friendship more, but I know I haven't let myself have anything close to it since you left, I cant bring myself to trust, to open up.

My confession is, that I never stop hoping, I never stop wishing. I think of you every day. That little boy is a constant reminder. One would think that I would move on. But I can't, I can't, I can't.

It has gotten easier as the time has gone on, and its not as painful, but I think of you, I miss you. And I would probably welcome you home, with open arms.


Anonymous said...

1869 - from someone on the other side of the "no baby right now" issue, I have a small suggestion for you. IF you are willing to, maybe you can sit down with your husband and make a more solid plan than "next year." Maybe talk about the things you both want and need to accomplish before you have another baby, and set a general timeline to get those things done.

I suggest this only because I am the one desperately hoping for a child, and my husband is the one who replies with "not any time soon" and then shuts down. It hurts beyond belief. If he would just talk to me about it, I would be able to calm down a little. Maybe it would help your husband, the way it would help me, if you would discuss it and make some general plans and agreements. I completely understand not wanting another child in the near future, but "someday" can sound a lot like "never" and clarifying might help him be more patient while you work toward a place in your life that you CAN handle another pregnancy and child.

I hope your life calms down for you soon.

Anonymous said...

1862 -- I feel like I could have written that. Only I'm not on any meds yet. But I am starting to wonder if I'm slipping into a depression too.

I feel for you. I am praying for you. I hope you get through this and figure out what it is you need to do.

Anonymous said...

To any of these posters who are feeling powerless to leave:

I divorced my first husband, and it was for sins not even close to the ones you're discussing here. He neglected me and ignored me, and that was painful enough.

It was very hard but I learned that when I walked out I could do just about anything. I got a sense that I could take care of myself no matter what life threw at me, whereas before when I was married to someone who belittled me, I thought I was worthless.

Your difficulty leaving is due to the poor self-esteem, guilt, and helplessness your bad marriages are causing. If it helps, leave little by little. I bought an extra hairdryer, and left it in the car. I bought books on divorce, and hid them at work. I got information and information helped me see that escape was not impossible.

Today I am completely over my divorce and am remarried, and have been remarried for twice as long as my first marriage. It was a bad choice of partner, it is not a life sentence to Hell.

Anonymous said...

1867 - Major kudos for explaining to your children that what you have is not a normal relationship. That is more that half the battle in getting them to develop into 'normal' adults who can sustain 'normal' relationships. Kids only learn what they are exposed to, and if there isn't a good example in their own home, at least they can know in theory what a relationship is supposed to be like.

Anonymous said...

1870 - I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Stay strong sweetheart.

Anonymous said...

1870- That is so sad. It's a terrible thing to abandon your lover with no warning or good explanation, and even worse to abandon your child.

I think he's already got his comeuppance, though, even though he'll never know. He will never know what a good woman he left, and he will never know the joy of being a REAL father.

Male readers of this site, take note: Real men don't leave their kids, biological or adopted, behind. And a child who has been neglected or abandoned by his or her father may never forgive.

I haven't.

Anonymous said...

I have not forgiven either ^

Anonymous said...

1861 here. not pregnant. thank goodness.

Anonymous said...

I am 1862 - last week my husband finally showed his true colors. During an argument over my decision to stop taking my depression meds, he looked at me with eyes filled with rage, put his hands around my throat, then said: "you're not worth it". Now I know that his ex wasn't lying when she said he'd once choked her. He was lying when he said he'd never hurt me. He's hurt me so much more than choking the life out of me ever would have. Someone famous once said: "when people show you who they are, believe them the first time." I wish like hell I had.