I first want to let you know that I am a husband of my beautiful wife of 9
yrs and that I probably have no business sending you this confession. I am
guilty of negligence in my marriage and that has caused my wife to find that
attention through another man. I am 30 yrs old and my wife is 27. She has
been having an affair over the last 4 months with a man that is 40. I am a
man so of course I am going to focus on the physical aspect of the affair
but my wife keeps telling me it was the way he made her feel. Our
relationship has been stretched to the limits over the years because of the
military, kids, and distance. I keep trying to learn more and more about my
wife by understanding women emotionally and physically through research
since I found out. That is what brought me to your website. Instead of
completely coming to my own decision about what to do or labeling her as a
certain type of woman I would rather know why these things happen. Even
though these are individual experiences they are very useful. I noticed that
some of these women are being attacked for their entries and that upsets me.
Most women are not able to express themselves to their spouse or even
friends due to the fear of what response they may get. As long as you keep
this website open it will not only help women to vent but it will also help
men if they have the courage to really see what is being said behind closed
doors. Thank you for being there because my wife doesn't know it but there
is always someone she can talk to. I am sending her a link to your site and
may not work out for us but I want everything to work out for her.
I don't think you understand how depressed I am. I know that you have "been there" -- you were unemployed for a long time in spite of trying hard. The economy was against you. I wasn't always understanding. So I understand that you, while you are trying, don't always get how despondent I am that I can't find a job.
I have discussed with you that geography is definitely a factor in my field and that we need to return to where we moved from 4 years ago in order for me to be successful. We moved here because we were going to have kids. Now that we know that we can't have kids, I don't want to be this close to my psycho parents. They do nothing but insult me. I'm graduating with my Master's in two days and they aren't even coming to graduation. I haven't gotten a card. They haven't even mentioned it. I can't tolerate their proximity anymore.
So here I am, no job, no one but you to come see me graduate, no friends to speak of because everyone hangs out with their high school friends here. I am lonely as shit, you travel, and I'm unemployed. Do you really think that someone in that situation can maintain a sunny outlook? I don't CARE anymore if we have to rack up a little debt to move. I know you want to be sensible. But no one pays relo anymore. It's not going to work that way. Two years from now we'll still be having this conversation: You: I'm looking, I'll find someone to pay us enough money plus relo. Me: So meanwhile I'm sitting here in a place where I'm miserable. You: Well, I'm not taking a financial loss to move. Me: I want to interview out there. You: Fine, but you have to get paid enough for us both to live so that I can look when we're out there. My friend took a year to find something.
I wish I could explain to you in a way that you can hear that sometimes financial considerations are secondary to mental health ones.
I realized yesterday I was drinking too much and I'm up to an entire bottle of wine in three hours.
To the amazing guy helping me through my divorce:
I love when you smile.
I love when you kiss me behind the ear.
I love when you dance with me in a public parking lot at night.
I love your laugh.
I love all the crazy and silly things you do to make me laugh.
I love how intelligent, successful, and independent you are.
I love that you’re always there right when I think I can’t go on anymore.
I’m scared that I’ll never actually love YOU, because I don’t know how to stop loving him.
Keep your hands out of your crotch!! You are a 31 year old man and you are
constantly scratching and re-arranging your genitals. Seriously...do you
need new boxers? Do you have a fungus? Or do you just like to play with
yourself? It is a HUGE turnoff. I love you but that is the most annoying
habit and you do it all the time!
I have been suffering from inside all these years we have stayed together ( 5 yrs). We have a lovely daughter who turns two in May 2007. As we plan to register our marriage next week, am woken up to face the reality I have been trying to ignore all along. I do not know how to tell you this but I am really tired of having to shoulder all the financial responisibilities in the house. Given that I took a loan for the construction of our home, when I tell you that my net income is little and tell you that I hope that no emergency crops up otherwise we are in trouble, all you say is 'let's hope for the best'. I expect you as a man to assure me that you will be there to take care of us. Am really tired of having to shoulder all the load and the money you owe me is never payed back. I understand you do not have a job but the least I expect is some appreciation. I know you are a nice guy, faithful but the fact that you are most of the time away doing your PhD research and not helping out even with a cent for the general up keep of the child is making me feel tired.'
My picture of a father and a husband is one who provides for his family. My mother was a housewife and my dad did all the provision. When I have to shouler all the responsibility, which I have done for the last five years, at times it makes me feel so insecure and so vulnerable. What would happen to my daughter should I loose my job, or should any calamity happen to me.
I do not know how to tell you all these things without hurting you but how I wish that you would see that I am suffering and I nedd help in raising our young family.
I'm nearly done. So, so, so close. All I need for you to do is push me over the edge. Knowing you, I am sure it won't take long:
When we first met, yeah! The sex was awesome. But we didn't live together and we didn't see each other every. single. day. I wish you'd stop comparing our sex life now to when we first met. It's not the same. I feel guilty that my libido can't keep up with yours and I have told you MANY TIMES that the sex would be an issue. But you didn't listenI didn't want to be one of those wives/GFs who didn't satisfy their man for whatever reason. But I warned you, and you insisted it wouldn't be an issue, and now you accuse me of making you beg for sex. What bullshit, and if you would quit pissing me off, I think we'd have more sex.
When you moved in with me it was supposed to be short term. It was too soon and I had a rule that I would not live with any many I wasn't engaged to, but because your ex wife was screwing you (figuratively) with child support I allowed it. You said you'd be out by April. LAST YEAR. But it's my fault, I didn't ask you to leave. I was having fun playing house, but neither did you offer to leave. Well I did. But I yet again undermined my own authority and let you stay. You knew how much I wanted to live in my first home and make it mine. Now all you do is bitch about how I don't help you with the dishes or laundry or clean. I tell you not to do them and I will get around to it. I told you that I am not a neat person when we met, too. You thought it was charming.
When we met you said I was unlike any woman you ever met. You still use it as an excuse for not "Getting me". I don't do affection, I'm not girly, I love sports I have peculiarities. I revel in them. I like me. I LOVE myself. I follow the beat of my own drum. The way I live is not bad, it's just different and you don't like things to be different. You say I am different but you haven't tried to adapt to who I am. You scratch your head and chalk it all up to me being particular.
When we first met you said, "I don't play games, neither should you." But one of the first things you did was play a game. To see how I felt about a prior relationship, when all you had to do was ASK.. But you didn't. I said the next time you try to manipulate a situation where you should have just asked I would end it. But I didn't, again, my fault. You jump to these ridiculous conclusions when we fight. When I am trying to be serious you laugh derisively. You make me feel like my demands are ridiculous and crazy. You don't ask what's wrong, you say, "why are you giving me attitude?" or "What's your problem?" Being with you has changed my arguing style from logical and calm to screaming banshee and it makes me wonder how crazy your ex-wife is and what part of it might actually be your childishness if you can make me feel this way about myself..
When you moved in, I told you that I liked my own space. You promised that if we ever fought and I asked for some time that you would leave and go do something to give me time to work it all out. You said that when you came back we could finish the disagreement as adults. But the first time I asked for space you all but stomped your foot and told me it wasn't fair! Why should I leave?? Well, because you said you would. So I left. I had to leave my own home. I went to a bookstore and I spent a good four or five hours by myself. When I came back to the house I found you gone. When you came back you said you'd felt bad and left too. You do realise that you don't get brownie points for leaving after the fact, right?
I'm just so tired. You anticipate my reactions to your daughter, quit riding her and me. I don't know what you are afraid of, but you are driving me more insane than your 6 yo. She's six, she's going to be annoying. Am I some sort of threat because I don't want children? Go ahead and get your threatened vasectomy if it worries you so much. You push me to make the decisions about us but then question my decision as "in the heat of the moment." but now I am asking you, get in my face, push me, see if I don't kick your ass to the curb.
I wrote #1818, and I wanted to reply to some of the responses I received
in the comments:
I feel sorry for those of you who think that a relationship can't possibly
be a loving one if you don't say "I love you," or that someone not saying
"I love you" means that they're not affectionate. I also think you missed
the point of my confession.
My partner and I love each other deeply. We would happily go to the ends
of the earth for one another, and we each know it. My partner cares for
me with a level of devotion that no one -- and I do mean NO ONE -- has
ever before, and I care for him with the same level of devotion. He has
stood by me through cancer scares, through custody battles over my son,
through my daily battle against complex post traumatic stress disorder.
He has stood by me, and supported me, and cared for me when no one else
When I was at a point where I was so depressed I wouldn't get out of bed,
wouldn't talk, wouldn't eat: He got me out of bed. He got me dressed.
He fed me. He dropped everything, took time off of work (unpaid time off
work) to take care of everything for me. He made sure I got my
medication, that I went to doctors appointments, that I didn't hurt
myself. And I never had to ask him for anything. He knew I needed him,
and he was there.
And he still dotes on me still, every day.
When it became clear that my ex-husband couldn't care for our son, despite
the fact that my partner hadn't planned on having a child at this point in
life (due to career concerns), not only did my partner support my decision
to fight for full custody, but he urged me to do it. And now that I have
full custody, he's taken on the role of a parent graciously. He cares for
my son as if he were his own. He picks him up from school, and helps him
with his homework. He organizes outings to take my son to fun places like
the aquarium, or wherever. They even play together, making science
experiments in the kitchen, or playing video games.
I have no doubts about his love for me. I can see it in his eyes when he
is telling me how much he appreciates me, and when he is caring for me and
my son. I can hear it in his voice, and feel it in his touch. Most
importantly, I see it in his actions.
My confession was not that I didn't think he loves me, or that we don't
feel love for each other strongly enough. That was not it at all.
My confession was that because of unspeakable things that were done to me
decades ago, I'm weak and broken. I'm so weak, that I am ruled by my own
irrational fears. I'm so broken, that I can't bring myself to take the
risk of saying three simple little words, even though those words only
mean half as much as what we've been showing each other these past 2
My confession was that I am so weak, and so broken, that despite
everything he already does for me, I still need him to take the first step
-- to make those words safe for me -- and I loathe myself for it.
My confession? I have never felt love the way I feel it with you. I have never felt so at ease, so natural, so complete. Everything about you makes me happy. You LISTEN to me, which after years of having a man ignore everything I have to say is amazing. You tell me how beautiful I am. You tell me how sexy I am. You tell me how much you love me. I can hardly believe that you have come into my life, but I am so grateful.
I told you I was pregnant, but I wasn't. I told you that I had an abortion, but I didn't.
I can only look back on that time and explain that you hurt me so badly, that it was the only thing I could think of to hurt you.
It was wrong and I am sorry.
I know you have BPD and I can only imagine the pain that causes you.
But it's no excuse. Not any more.
I am SO glad that I left you.
I took my marriage vows seriously. I loved you with all my heart, more than I'd loved anyone else, ever. Why? Because I'm an asshole. I told myself that if you'd had a physical ailment, I would stand by you. So why shouldn't I stand by you just because your disease is psychological?
I'll tell you why.
Because you're a psychotic monster who takes pleasure from my pain and I DO NOT DESERVE this. Another reason I stayed with you for so long is because I worried about you....what would happen to you after I left? How would you survive without my support?
But when you get rid of the roaches in your kitchen, do you really care where they go?
And a roach deserves more sympathy and compassion than you do. You took all the love I had to give and chewed it up and spit it back in my face time and time again.
My only regret is that I didn't put you in prison when I had the chance.
Yes, I took our wedding photos. I looked at them once, and literally threw up. Then I tossed them in the dumpster.
Just as I'm tossing YOU into the dumpster now.
"Into the garbage chute, flyboy!" ~Star Wars
Remember that quote?
You are a convicted felon, you're bankrupt, you're an alcoholic, you have BPD, another man is raising your son and you don't give a shit, you don't have the courage or self-respect to think for yourself, you walk with a limp, everyone you've ever worked with hates your guts and HAS to look over your shoulder because you SUCK at what you do, you're in denial about the fact that you're a SICK FUCK and blame everything on me, you're a pathological liar, a thief, you're 49, look like your 79, and tell everyone you're 43.
All of my exes want me back. A fact that you PUNISHED me for. NEWSFLASH: They want me back because I KNOW HOW TO LOVE.
You don't. All your exes hate your guts. Because you are a hateful person.
What goes around comes around. I believe that now more than ever.
You'll get what's coming to you, and it won't be from my hands. The universe will make sure you get back all the negative energy you project out. I'm sure of it.
So I sleep soundly.