Friday, June 01, 2007

True Wife Confessions 188 minutes spent transfixed by Maj Jong

Confession #1871

I have never told anyone and my husband hasn't either- even the women
he has slept with before me. My husband has one ball. Undescended
testicle that was removed as a child. He is not very good at sex and
has very little sex drive. I always wonder if the two are
connected. I don't question his sexuality, and I feel very
attractive- I just never get the "hotness" that I did with other
men. Maybe that's a good thing since we have two kids- I'm too busy
to have sex all the time. But things just feel kind of blah between
the sheets.

Confession #1872

You don't know it yet, but I made another appt with a divorce lawyer. If you don't actually go to a therapist like you said you would, then I'm going to divorce you. I'll use the porn and looking up local erotic services against you so you'll have to pay all of the legal fees also. Being with you is like water torture, over time you just get so worn out that you give up. I should've thrown you out of the house instead of me leaving. I feel numb when I'm around you. You need to grow up, be a man, stop your FUCKING whining, and be a father instead of being on the laptop and watching tv. The only time you interact with our son is to tell him to be quiet and to leave you alone. I can't leave him alone with you because you will 'forget' to feed him, thank God he's old enough to get something to eat by himself.
You being 'caught' and quitting your job forced me into a situation I was against from the first time you mentioned it. I can't stand you anymore and you'll get divorce papers for our anniversary next month.

Confession #1873

I want another baby....

I got my tubes tied because you didn't want anymore kids and I told you I was fine with that...

They say you never regret the kids you have, just the ones you don't.

You have no idea.

Confession #1874

I am consumed by belated grief over the fact that the man I wanted to marry eleven years ago didn't want to marry me. I do not see any point in sharing this information with you, seeing as how it's completely inactionable, but that's why I'm acting like a big weirdo.


Confession #1875

There are times when I want to just run away and hide...But I cant..There are times when I want to just scream at you to shut up...But I cant..There are times when I want to tell you that I cant do this anymore...But I cant..I still love you..Thats why I cant...I cant tell you Im a lesbian..I cant tell you that I love her more than you..I cant do that to you...You saved me when no one else would..You brought me out of the darkness that threatened to consume me..How selfish would I be to tell you that I cant love you like you want anymore?...I cant do it..So I will wait..I will hold on to my deepest secrets..I cant hurt you..I cant smash your dreams...So I will pretend...I cant help that I love her more than you..I cant help that she makes me happier than you..It was nothing you did..You made me happy..You showed me that there is more to life than the sorry exsistance I led..Im so fucking selfish..*Sigh*..That is why I cant tell you these things..That is why Im so secretive about how I feel now..You found out that I didnt love you like I used to..But I think I have you fooled into believing that I didnt mean it like I said...But truth be told..I did mean it the way I said..I dont love you like I used to..I love you more like a friend..More like a brother..But I cant tell you that..I cant hurt you like that...

Im so fucking selfish..But I will never tell you how I feel..I cant.

To the people of TWC..Thank you for letting me vent..*Sigh*..

Confession #1876

I was confession 1859. About an hour after I sent the confession I realised I really needed him to see it. So I printed out and took it home. I sat quietly in the other room while he read it. He was mad. Really mad. He called my a selfish cunt. I told him, "You realise that my whole life for the past 2 years or so has been wrapped up in your health and mental state? This is my whole life. What kind of a life do you think that is for me? Yes, you are sick. But your sickness is seeping into others lives".
We rang the local psychiatric crisis line. We went in and he had an evaluation. He was admitted for a 3 days to get himself sorted out and started on the way to getting better. He came home and we made a pact. If we love each other we will help each other. We will help ourselves. I love him so much. Him being better will improve my life but more importantly, him being better will give him his life back. He didn't want to lose me. I suspect me losing him would have been much more permanent. I no longer live in dread of going home and finding him dead.

I write a letter to myself in a years time and I wish myself and my husband happiness and good health. I hope in a years time I thank myself for that wish.


Confession #1877

To the man who erased my heart,
I fell.... so hard for you. I let you in my life, I let you in my sons life, and you betrayed me worse then anyone on this planet could have ever betrayed me. You were such a nice guy you made me laugh, I felt like I finally found what I've been searching for, for so long. Real love, not lust, but the love that hurts your insides and your heart because all you want to do is be with that person and make them happy. I was so scared of how you made me feel, I ran from it time and time again. I thought of every possible reason for leaving you, just to protect my heart from being broken again. But I realized I was in love with you and I was having your baby. I opened up, I didn't want to be a cold-hearted man hating bitch anymore. I wanted to love with everything inside of me. I told you all of my pain, all my sorrow. I told you things that I have never told anyone. I was molested by my cousin when I was seven, I was beaten for five years by "my first love" I was raped by a man that I don't even know what his name is. I told you everything because I knew you were different and you would be the man that I would marry. I never thought of marriage until you came into my life. God... I fell so hard for you.
........And what do you do to me? You beat my son, my baby, my heart and soul, my precious two year old son!!!!!!!!!! How dare you, who the fuck do you think you are to do this to my son and me? You are a worthless, coward, and I will make you pay everyday of your twisted, fucked up little life. You think that you had such a bad childhood, give me a fucking break. I feel nothing but such hatred and resentment toward you that I can't even breath sometimes. I feel sick for not seeing the terrible man that you are. I hate myself for giving you all me. I will never open up and love again like I loved you and I hope that you realize you have demolished my dream of happiness, and normalcy of ever trusting another man again. And I want to thank you for helping me realize that I would be much better off dating women. I hate you, I will never forgive you for what you did. And one day my your son will know what a weak piece of rotten shit you are. And I promise, cross my heart I will make you one sorry son of a bitch. And thats called being a mom!!!!

From- Giving up and moving on!!

Confession #1878

Two fights in one week and NO make-up sex? Sheesh. If it's like this at 28 what will it be like at forty? Christ- I'm in my prime! You're wasting fine real estate here, bucko. Fuck this. Fuck me... PLEASE!



Confession #1879

It all came to a head last night. I have been wondering why you seemed distant, pre-occupied; that sort of thing. I thought you were cheating on me. In fact, I was sure of it. You took another girl out, once...as far as I know. And I thought we had moved past that and were in a really good place. You called me at work, and I missed the call. I called you back 3 minutes later and got no response. I called on my way home-no response. I called, and called. I got home and you werent here. No note, nothing. The lights were all on, the TV on, the animals not fed. I assumed you made last minutes plans with some girl and ran out before I got home. Then I decided that fine, you want to fuck around, I'll catch you-just like last time. I got in my car, in pj's and drove to were I caught you last time. You weren't there. So i drove somewhere else. Not there. And i swear I do not know how i kept the car on the road because I was shaking so bad. My whole body felt like it was burning up. I finally came back home. I called again, and this time your phone was off. That sealed it for me. You were with a girl. I was FUMING. Then about 15 minutes after I got back you walked in. You had to go into work. At first I thought you were lying but then you got a call from a co-worker. I heard you talking about something that just happened at work. I felt so stupid. And guilty. I had just went batshit crazy for no reason. Then you told me you got a job offer over-seas. You want to take it because it is where you're from. You have family there and miss the place that you grew up in. You miss home. You told me to go with you. I cried all night, and most of this morning. I do not know anyone, i barely speak the language, and am not comfortable with the cultural differences there. But today, when you were so sweet, talking to me about how great it is there and how fun it would be, I saw in your eyes how much you really do miss home. So if you decide to do this, I will be right there with you. I just hope you are worth it.

Confession #1880

To friends, family, and assorted acquaintances in our little town:

You know that baby we came home from the hospital with so proudly, after the pregnancy that was such a surprise? He's not my husband's. He's not mine either, genetically. As it turned out, after three rounds of in-vitro and two years of testing, neither of us has gametes that even try to pass themselves on. My eggs are long past their sell-by date and his sperm aren't much better. And you know what? I DON'T CARE. Between us my husband's family and mine, we've got three suicides, five alcoholics and a tried- and- convicted pedophile; they may look all right, but there's depression running through the lot like the fucking San Andreas Fault.

So when it turned out we had no good chance of conceiving, once the news had sunk in and the needle bruises had faded, we decided to just start over. Adoption would have been great, except for a) our ages and b) the list above, didn't exactly make us ideal candidates to an agency. And while searching international adoption, we found..... international egg donation. Holy shit: clinics all over the world, including my grandmother's birthplace, with donors offering young, healthy eggs AND sperm. Blah blah blah exploitation, blah blah interfering with nature: look, poor women in these same countries are giving their babies up for adoption, which has got to be more painful than a few weeks of clinic visits. I know, having been through the whole egg-stimulation and retrieval cycle three times, that it's usually no big deal. Bad reactions to the drugs do happen, but they're rare, and a smart clinic will catch them and stop the whole process.

These people were smart. We couldn't even read the road signs where we were, let alone understand the medical conversations going on around us, but we could feel the high standard of care going on with me -- and see the gorgeous, well-dressed young donors in the waiting room. We weren't allowed to know which was ours or even see a picture: fine! All we wanted was a healthy baby. We're not models, or PhD's, so there was nothing "designer" about our donor match; I didn't even care if the donor looked like me, so gave the clinic pictures of all my close female relatives. The procedure itself was fast and painless. And two weeks later: two pink lines on the stick. Halleluia!

Our boy is so perfect we still can't believe our luck. When people asked about the pregnancy I told the absolute truth, though not all of it: we got our miracle. There's not much physical resemblance to my husband, though people see one, and not at all to me -- and again, I don't give a damn. He's a separate person. Most mothers and kids spend painful years figuring that out: we got the news right out of the box. My job now is to make his life so rich and interesting that when he gets old enough to hear the unusual way he came to us, he's still glad to be here, as our kid. We have only limited background on the donors, and the records are supposed to be closed, but if he wants to search as an adult? Fine. I know we're going to take some heat from relatives, especially, about "how we misled them", and some rednecks around here will probably make stupid cracks. And this does bother me; but the alternatives -- him not being here, or us not telling him the whole story -- are too awful to contemplate. I'm proud to have had the grit to go so far for my son, and overjoyed that he is who he is. And anyone who wants to imply he's not mine? Can bite me, right on my midwife-stitched ass.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

#1880: HUGE Congratulations on your miracle baby boy :).

Anonymous said...

#1880 Contragulations and good luck with everything

Black Chick Thinking said...

1873- You just made me rethink getting MY tubes tied...

1877- I'm sorry you had to go through that...

1880- Congrats, good for you!

jay bee said...

Confession #1871: my ex had one testicle. and when we dated, he already had two kids, and stamina like nobody's business. we're no longer together, but he's got two more kids--and from what i hear, the same stamina, too.

my point is, talk to him about his sex drive; it may not be related to the single testicle, but something much deeper.

believe me, talk to him.
good luck.

Anonymous said...

To 1880:

I am thrilled beyond measure for you, your husband, and your new son! That boy is so damn lucky to have you two as parents.

Congrats!

Shelly said...

Congrats to 1880. You are a wonderful and dedicated mom and your boy is lucky to have you!

Anonymous said...

1871 - have his testosterone and free testosterone levels tested. it's a simple blood test that should probably be done by a urologist. If these two hormones are low, it could explain the low sex drive and there could be low sperm count which would affect fertility.

1876 - i wish you and your husband all the luck in continuing to deal with his disease adn the effect it has on you and your marriage. keep strong.

1880 - congratulations! my husband and i are looking into embryo adoption/donation because we have male factor infertility. enjoy your son!

Anonymous said...

1880 - he is absolutely yours. Genetic ties do not determine motherhood and to heck with anyone who suggests that they do! Congratulations on your miracle baby!

Anonymous said...

1875- it will hurt him worse when he finds out.... don't you think you owe it to both of you to end it and let him pursue the happiness you already found?

Anonymous said...

1877 - You know, I sure hope that guy doesn't accidentally trip and "fall" on some bullets. That would just be too tragic.

Pookie Sixx said...

1876: Glad you talked to him and he is now getting help. If you guys are committed to each other, you will make it through this.


1880: Congratulations and who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks? He is YOUR son no matter how he came into your world. It's no one's business but yours, your husbands and your sons. Good luck to you!

Anonymous said...

1880 Congratulations! That baby is all yours and thats all that matters.

Anonymous said...

1880 - what would make you feel more special, that you were conceived after a boozy 2 minute grope session? Or that you were the culmination of years of expensive and painful medical treatments? Maybe the donors did it for money, maybe they did it to make someone's dreams of family a reality. Rather than "if it happens", you went out of your way to make room for this special guy, and never gave up. Congratulations on a dream fullfilled.

Anonymous said...

1880 here -- jeez, you guys are making me puddle up. Anyone want to move to Gorgeous Appalachian Middle O'Nowhere and cheer us on, when this news breaks? I know everyone that's hiring! Seriously, I've been obsessing too much lately; it's not natural for me to harbor big family secrets, but we're determined to keep this one until the little guy is old enough to hear it first. It would be so unfair to have everybody around him generating opinions, before he has a clue. Telling one person here would basically be telling everyone -- this is the kind of town where folks know what you're doing (or whom) based on where your car is parked. Because there's only one per model/year of any given car, and for the few duplicates, people learn the bumper stickers and licence plates. I'm not kidding.

And his dad's family is going to be full of opinions, you bet -- this is a clan that's been five generations on the same STREET! His mom talks about the next town, fifteen miles away, like it's Siberia! I'm convinced they're going to look at us like space aliens. We've been to a bunch of family events lately and they keep finding resemblances that just aren't possible. I just keep saying "yeah, genes can do funny things", "Gee, he DOES wrinkle his nose just like Great-uncle Milton! Why people are so obsessed with genetics I'll never know. All kids imitate what they see and ours is no exception.

The main reason this secret has been weighing on me so much is that I'm actually considering going through it all again. We have five embryos stored overseas. Several of my friends are newly pregnant or have tiny 2nd babies after in-vitro, and I'm melting every time I see them. I am right on the age limit for a natural pregnancy to be even possible, had trouble with the first one, and can't afford to go on bedrest -- I lost my job & started a new business last year. We have no spare cash and no spare time. But I can't stop thinking about it,the dilemma of those five little possible siblings -- even if I'm cleared to take on one or two, what happens to the others? Oh god, the slippery slope approaches. Anyway, thank you all for listening, and being so supportive. I was sure we were going to get flamed, but was going BATSHIT CRAZY thinking about this every day and never saying a word.

Anonymous said...

1873: I'm so sorry. Getting the tubes reconstructed, or going around them via in-vitro, is doable -- but so hard if your partner's not on board.

1876: Thank God, and thanks for updating. At this point that;s the best outcome there could be.

1877: can I come & kick him in the balls for you? Hitting, beating a two year old: how can he look in the mirror and not throw up? I hope you can get away from him first and take revenge second.

--1880, above

Anonymous said...

Confession #1878 -- I have a husband the same way. He was like that years ago and now, after 8 years of marriage, he's still like that. I still have to practically beg. And he'll say something like, "Sure. Tonight. Definitely." And then he'll have a few drinks and tell me he's too tired. I think he's honestly too lazy to have sex. He'd rather jack-off. Which doesn't bode well for me, eh?

Just that I've been in your situation at that age before. And years later, I'm still in that situation... Sigh. I don't know what to do about it. Just know you aren't alone.

Anonymous said...

#1873 - Please talk to your partner. This is too important of an issue to just let go. He may change his mind but he may not. Don't be angry if he doesn't. The two of you need to be in the same place with this one. I know of one marriage that never really recovered from the wife changing her mind about wanting a second baby (he didn't, she did)....

Anonymous said...

Congrats, 1880. Have a wonderful life with your new baby boy.

Anonymous said...

#1875.....what you wrote could have been written by me. The only difference is Im in love with another man and not another woman. My husband saved me from hell and I loved him with every ounce of my soul for it. Its changed.....and I cant tell him how I really feel because I feel like I owe him so much more. I hope we both can get to where we need to be.....good luck

Giselle said...

Anon. 2:52

My husband and I were diagnosed with male factor infertility as well. I know it's really difficult to go through. I wanted to make a suggestion. Please, please, don't take this the wrong way, because it's just what worked for us, not written in stone somewhere. But with our situation he had no known cause for the low sperm count. No variocele, didn't smoke, wasn't exposed the the various chemicals, yada yada yada. So, after a couple months failed IUI cycles, we decided to take a break and I put us on an all-organic diet. We got pregnant six weeks later. Turns out, in our case, the chemical pesticide and hormonal residue in the foods he was eating had an estrogenic effect in his tissues, and suppressed his follicle stimulating hormone just like a woman taking the pill. We're now expecting our second. If you've already tried this and it didn't help you guys, then good luck with your chosen path, but I know the folks who make lots of money off people who want kids aren't going to suggest something you can do for yourself for free, kwim? Good luck, and I hope I haven't offended.

SKM said...

To 1880:

People tell me all the time I look like one or the other of my parents. But...I was adopted, so quite impossible! I applaud you for doing this; I've always believed it's not about blood. Love can conquer anything!

S:E said...

1875-
So, are you planning to be unhappy all your life?
I know thiw will affect your whole life, and you may love him too but you aren't completely happy. And i don't think you're selfish, I think that you love him enough not to make him unhappy...
Good luck.

1877-
wow, I will grab his balls and make him cry like baby! MyGOD!
hitting a two years old?! are you kidding me?! why didn't you call the police?!
Just hopefully, he won't do it again.

1879,
Good luck.
I'm sure he will be worth it.
:)

1880-
Congratulations!
Not matter what people will say or think, that baby is YOUR baby. Just love him and take care of him because he's your son.
:)

Anonymous said...

1880:

I say go for it! Go have another one and more if you can. You may regret it later if you don't. And if anyone gives you grief about your children not being GENETICALLY yours, tell them to kiss your ass.

GAH! Small towns suck!!!!

Anonymous said...

1880~I say go for it! If you are phyiscally able go for it.

Anonymous said...

1880- I thought this was very wise:

He's a separate person. Most mothers and kids spend painful years figuring that out: we got the news right out of the box.

Well said. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

May God have mercy on the man who is currently locked in with #1875.

No one should have to deal with the consequences of someone so selfish and inconsiderate.

J said...

5:29 -

Mmmm, yeah, boy, it's so incredibly inconsiderate to have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over which way your sexual orientation is aimed, but to be so pressured by society to be "straight" that you end up marrying the gender opposite that to which you are attracted.

Are you fucking kidding me? If anything, she's being WAYYYYY too considerate of him and not taking her own happiness into account. Don't listen, 1875!!! If my wife suddenly realized she was gay, it would hurt, of course, but if he truly loves you he'll want YOU to be happy too. It's not as though you chose to not be in love with him.

Sheesh.

Anonymous said...

J. well said...my sentiments exactly and it's refreshing to hear it from a man's point of view.

Anonymous said...

1876...

I don't know how to express, even though anonymously, how happy I am for you.

to the other ladies, know that men out there are reading this and trying to identify.

The other night, partially because of this site, after making love to my wife; I gave her a full body massage, and brushed her hair until she fell asleep.

Anonymous said...

#1875 I'm praying for you. I know a lot of selfish women but I don't believe you're one of them. I believe something else may be at work. It seems odd to me that you could fall in love with a man then say that you're a lesbian.

Maybe I'm missing something but were you a lesbian before you met him? If not then maybe something else is causing this, something mental or spiritual. I knew when I was a child what gender I preferred (I'm a hetro man).

If this happened to me I would be very upset but I too would have little choice but to let you go versus you staying with me and hating it. Did the feelings change somewhere a long the way? Did he change?

This is very confusing to me and very scary as a single man looking to be married one day. The more I read this site the more fearful I become of marriage and women.

I mean even when some women have it all they still are unhappy. I'm very confused and frustrated. I want to give a women all I can to be good to her but I'm scared to death what I'll receive in return. I think a talk with your husband may be in the works.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure I'll get a fair amount of harsh criticism for this post, but I couldn't help myself; I had to post my thoughts anyway.

I'm a happily married man, but it hasn't always been that way. My wife divorced me several years ago. We spent a year separated and divorced.

She said some of the things I read about on this site. On some of these things she had a point and I worked to fix those things and am still working on them. I sought the help of other people on the web that were going through similar issues. It's amazing how many other men are left by disgruntled (and not infrequently cheating) wives. Like some on here, my wife thought the grass was greener with someone else. It's amazing how this other person can suddenly make the life with your husband seem like crap.

Eventually, when that dream died she did return. After counseling and periods of mistrust, we've made a very good relationship.

Now looking at these posts, I see the same cycle and the same codependecy that we suffered from. It's the sense that your spouse is somehow entirely responsible for your happiness. How fulfilling your life is depends on what your spouse is doing for you. None of these posts look inward and say, "and while I was complaining that he didn't come home and do x,y, or z, what was I doing to make the marriage work?" It is often our perception that we are showing our spouse love, but that's how we choose to show love and we don't even consider how our spouse would prefer to receive love. I've heard the litany hundreds of times about how hard the wife worked on the marriage, but what did it usually amount to; usually doing acts of service for the spouse and mistakenly believing that she's showing oodles of love. Did he see it like that? Only if he equates showing love with doing something for the one he loves. Perhaps while your waiting to be held or waiting to have him listen to you about your day (and thus showing you love in the way you want to be loved), he's puttering around the house thinking he's showing you love by fixing the leaky faucet.

Before ditching a marriage because your spouse doesn't do this or that, or chooses to do things you disagree with and nag about, or doesn't "make" you happy (as though happiness is something your spouse could even make in you if he wanted to), it might actually be a good idea to take a look within. Are you making your spouse be a mindreader? If you repeatedly nag about the same thing and nothing happens, why not? Is that the only way to communicate something? If you've said it 200 times, why do you continue to say it? Saying it louder and meaner doesn't actually work. We usually heard you the first time. Could there be another way? Could you find another way to ask or something? If you want love in a certain way, say gifts, physical touch (not necessarily sex), listening to you, appreciating the things you do, or whatever, couldn't you actually point your spouse in that direction? Tell us, "It makes me feel loved when you notice the things I do around here" or "I know you love me when you remember to lower the toilet seat" or "I just want you to listen to me without offering any kind of advice. I really just need to be understood and supported."

Your happiness lies within you. It's a fallacy to say, "I've met someone that makes me happy". That gives them all the control over your feelings. Make yourself happy for a change without relying on someone else to validate your self-worth.