I love our new house. I love the big bathroom with the matching walk in closets.
I hate that you never close your closet door.
I close your closet door at least 4 times a day.
I get up in the morning. I close the door.
I go to shower. I close the door.
I go in to pee after you've left for work. I close the door.
I go in to brush my teeth. I close the door.
I'm going to start leaving it open so that the bathroom door hits it when you go in.
Maybe you'll remember to close your freaking closet door after you whack into it a few times.
Why? Why do I seem to fall so easily into old habits and why is it so difficult to pull myself back when I see myself doing it? Why do I let a person who has proven himself to be incapable of telling the truth convince me that I am the one who is always wrong? Why do I let him push all those same buttons when I know he is just doing it to make me angry? Why isn't there a disconnect switch somewhere in my brain that allows me to say "He is just trying to upset you to make himself feel like a big shot. He doesn't even know what he is talking about"? It is a completely true statement. I KNOW THIS! Why is it so hard to feel it? I dont love him anymore. I don't want him back. I am not jealous of his girlfriend. Lord knows her life is going to be a little spot of Hell once the new wears off and she becomes the easiest, most available target when he needs his sick little ego boost. So why does it still hurt when he says the same things he used to say before? Why are those buttons still available for him to push and how do I find that friggin disconnect switch?
You asked me to change many things about me, which I did. All the while you
never tried to change one thing about you. You don't know this yet, but you
have until my birthday next year to make some changes. Good luck, cause this
may be good-bye. I have always loved you, and still do. I just deserve
better than this.
You expected me to not be mad... you invaded my privacy. Ok maybe what I have been doing is wrong, but part of the reason that drove me to him is the way you invade my privacy and the way you lie. I don't trust you and I don't love you. You read my personal letters. You asked how I felt about him, you asked if I had feeling for him. I told you that I thought I felt a specific way about him but I was wrong, that wasn't a lie, that day you made me realized that I am so totally in love with him that I would go to the ends of the earth to be with him. I have tried to talk to you about our relationship before it got to this point and you shut me down and turn it on me all the time. I tried to tell you that the way you treated me was not ideal, I told you what I needed, all I wanted was to be loved the way I used to love you. You neglected me, you sat on you fat lazy ass all day doing nothing while I busted my ass at work. You never said nice things to me. I couldn't even bring myself to make love to you anymore A) because you smell and B) cause "Hey baby wanna do it" isn't foreplay. I have tried so hard to make it work, but face it, it is over. I know the only way I can get you out of MY house is by force and I will if I have to. We still talk all the time, he still sends me letters but I just hid them better. You asked what he has that you don't and here it is, i told you but you don't listen. He calls me the most sweet names, he says the kindest things to me, he supports me no matter what I do, he listens to me and is a shoulder to cry on and I do the same for him because he shares feelings, he loves me for me, he loved me before he knew what I looked like, he does sweet things for me just to show me he cares, he calls just to say hi and that he is thinking about me (not to keep tabs on me), he is not a selfish lover he makes sure I have an orgasm before he does and the he gives me another after he is finished, he loves to give me pleasure, he is really truly Mr. Right. Oh yeah and he has a job. So please just go and let me be happy. We aren't married, we don't own anything together and we have no children together, if you really "love" me like you say you do, please just do like I asked and leave so I can be happy.
When you are away, instead of hanging the clothes on the line ( like you prefer me to do) I use the dryer. I know you like the way they smell when they have been out on the line and that is saves energy/money - but GOD DAMN, sometimes I just want to get through the laundry not experience pioneer life.
Last night was the first time in a year that we had the opportunity to be alone. Our son spent the night at a friend's house. You worked late, went to practice, and then came home long enough to tell me that you were going out. You came home at 10:30 and fell asleep in the recliner, you didn't even bother coming to bed. I feel like I was slapped in the face.
you are my husband, and i love you. i don't WANT to hurt you. but, how can you not see that your extreme highs and lows make me feel like i am on a rollercoaster. i want to get off.
why do u need to belittle me? i'm smart - does it intimidate you that i could always get a better paid job than you?
screaming "LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU" in a restaurant, with MY friends at dinner - is humiliating and downright fKg mean. you are a bully.
i am starting a diary of your little outbursts.
oh, and btw you self-esteem-taking-stepford-wife-wanting-S.O.B i DO know what the word copious means. the copious amounts of sh*t that comes out of your mouth just about covers it.
We have been together for over half of my life - I have stayed many times when I shouldn't have. Who knows how many women you have "crossed the line with" - 3 that I am aware of...but yet I stayed - because "I love you".
Now you are almost impossible to live with - last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. A small disagreement sent you over the edge - I promise you if you EVER get in my face like that again - YOU WILL LEAVE.
After you stormed out - I called you and told you scared me.....once you finally came back from "blowing off steam" - you did not say ONE Frigging word to me....Not acceptable.
And now today - YOU tell ME that I can't give something time to die down - Oh it's dead alright - I will stay - I already know that - but I'm not really here anymore - wonder if you'll ever even know?
Yes. I know how you "like" your jeans/khakis folded - crease to crease, folded in three places. But seriously - who the hell folds their jeans? We have actually had fights about this when I fold them incorrectly and you make lots of noise about how I folded them wrong, making a big show of re-folding your jeans in the "correct" manner. Those are moments when I want to strangle you with the aforementioned jeans.
My dearest love,
I *hate* your "friends."
What these people have done is just unacceptable and selfish. It kills me to compare our friendship with these three couples of several years ago to the one we "have" now. They were my bridesmaids and the men were fabulously fun and interesting. But they have forgotten about us... or it seems as though we're no longer good enough for them. One might make the case that they were too busy to fly cross country for your landmark birthday. However, some of them didn't even bother to RSVP after my repeated calls and emails. Couple #1 flew in on Daddy's jet one time and made no attempt to see us unless we drove 3-4 hours to meet them in the countryside. When we (again) made the trip to see all of them, Couple #2 made no effort to talk to us about getting together for dinner after we flew 2000+ miles. Couples #1 and #3 deigned to go out to dinner with us, mocked our lifestyle, promptly ignored us the entire time, talked about buying their kids' way into preschool, and then invited each other to go to Mexico on vacation in front of us. Who does that?! Seventh graders know better! They apparently weren't too busy to fly to Florida (farther than visiting us) with their infants and toddlers, even though their excuse for not coming to your birthday was that it was "too hard to fly with kids."
Bottom line: they don't care about us anymore. I know how much that hurts you. And it infuriates me because you are without a doubt the best friend I've ever met. You remember all birthdays and anniversaries, you bought trinkets for their kids when we came in town. They don't care about us. Not even a little bit. So please stop begging for their friendship by initiating contact…it makes you look bad. Not calling when they all came in town this weekend is the LAST straw for me. I don't care if I never see them again. If we move back where they live I don't even care if we tell them we're moving back. If it were just me I'd shrug and move on. But I know you're crushed. And that makes me hate them with the intensity of a thousand suns. Truly.