Monday, May 14, 2007

True Wife Confessions 183 Emerald

Confession #1821

I was secretly overjoyed when your son moved out to go back to live with his mother. I know you tried your best, but it just wasn't meant to be. He's a Momma's boy and he always will be and you know that too.
He is a nice kid, but he annoyed me to no end. He's the laziest person I've ever met. It drove me nuts that you would ask my advice about how to handle things with him and then follow none of it. Why even ask me? I hated having to take him to all his appointments and take him to school when he missed the bus (again!) and send receipts to your ex-wife. She probably thinks I'm a controlling b*tch when in truth I only did those things because you liked leaving those responsibilities to me because you can never remember anything. I hated watching you discipline him for things, only to let him off easy, and wonder why he kept doing the same stupid things.
But most of all, I resent you not wanting another baby while he was here, because it would have been too much to handle. With your fertility problem, those two years of trying were a lot to give up.
I'm glad he's gone. I'm sorry his leaving hurt you so badly, but maybe I can give you a son that we can love together.
I know in your heart you feel the same. Don't be ashamed of it. Your son will always love you because you tried.
I love you for it too.

Confession #1822

It is no secret that our relationship deteriorated quite some time ago, but being together for so long and being as young as we are, I think we are more of a habit for each other than a couple in love. You have changed, and you are no longer someone I am interested in knowing, let alone being married to. Life is hard and it has been particularly hard to us, and that changes people, I understand that, as I have changed as well. But no one deserves to be treated the way that you treat me. I do love you, but I am quite certain that I am no longer in love with you. I just don't think I am strong enough to leave, but sometimes I fear that it is the only thing I want, so maybe I am waiting for you to take the initiative, cause it is clear that you aren't happy either. I have begged you to go for counseling with me, you have refused. I have called family members asking for help, and you lie to them about what has been going on. I am sick to death of being the only one in our relationship that is trying. Why was I working so hard at trying to change something, if you aren't even willing to meet me half way? Or even one quarter of the way...or any part of the way at all. After ten years together you know me pretty well, and you are pretty sure that I don't have it in me to leave. And you're right, but I have learned a lot about myself in the past year, and I am no longer certain I know myself, so who knows what I am capable of? About a year ago, I met a man over the internet. You know about him, you even know who he is. You suspect that there may be more to our relationship than I have admitted to, and you're right. Those pictures you found? They were for him. Every time you walk into the room, and I hide my computer screen, I am talking to him, and saying things that I am sometimes embarrassed to admit I thought, let alone typed for someone else to see. I have called him on the phone so he could hear me moan whole I orgasm thinking about him, after he tells me all the things he is thinking about doing to me. He tells me I am beautiful, and he tells me he wants me, and he makes me feel like someone could find me interesting, funny, and sexy again. The way you made me feel 10 years ago. He tells me how all he thinks about is being with me, and how wonderful it would be if only we had met 10 years ago. I know I don't actually know him, and who knows if any of what he says is true? The point is, he says it and it makes me feel good, and it makes me realize what I have missed for so long without ever having noticed that it slipped away. I know I will never meet him, and I am certainly not in love with him, but he has made me realize how unhappy I truly am with you. After begging for change, and trying for change, and hoping for change and waiting for change, I guess I just lost hope. Maybe I want you to catch me so I will forced into admission, and then you will be forced into realizing what I have been trying to tell you for so long. Maybe I am just passing the time in a new exciting way in my otherwise boring life. Maybe someday I will work up enough courage to tell you all this myself. I don't know, but I do know that we can't go on going the way we are now, because neither of us is happy, and I don't think this is any way to live.

Confession #1823

I absolutely LOVE this site. It’s part of my daily ritual….esp the newest addition “desperately seeking..something”. You gals are freaking hilarious.

And yes, I have posted 3 confessions. This is, after all, a CONFESSIONAL. I read every single one of them, sympathizing with some, feeling sorry with others, rejoicing to those who are happy. Then, I noticed the comments section at the end of every group of confessions. And I noticed – some of you people are just plain ol mean. People come here to confess, you mean people lash out at them with no class. And you know what – it really pisses me off, b/c I was the victim of one of those verbal lashings. I confessed about an affair I had with a gentleman almost 20 years younger than me and made mention about it really working out….YOU – and you know who you are – came back with “ I say go for it, you’re husband will find someone younger and prettier than you and your newer younger boyfriend will leave you when he needs to change your depends”

Let me tell you this – I did it b/c that’s exactly what my husband did to me – and so I did it back. Try not to be so jealous huh? I immediately figured you to be some unattractive book worm, who has let herself go simply b/c you are married and your idea of fun is going to Barnes and Noble with a group of your other book worm friends. Maybe living on the wild side by having a ‘different flavored’ latte this time ~~YAWN~~~ And doubt that at almost 40, your considered a milf.

So Dawn, no disrespect to you, this site and your blogs are AWESOME, and I really appreciated your post asking people pretty much the same thing I just wrote about - but geez people – would it kill you to be a bit nicer? You’ll be the death of this site.

Confession #1824

Where to begin? Lately I feel like I'm holding so many things in from you, it's slowly suffocating me. Did you know I wake up from anxiety attacks at four a.m. on the dot, every morning? Did you not realize that at 27, I'm not ready to have kids, especially since I'm planning a career change by the end of the year? Do you realize that I'm just now figuring out which path I want to take in my professional life, I have made sacrifices and supported you in your career, and I'd like the same from you? Do you know what other women my age are doing? They're discovering who they are, and I'm sorry if my doing the same interferes with your life plan. Do you realize that, more than once, I've had sexy dreams about a coworker who I'm close to, who I will truly miss no! w that he's left our office, who we are both friends with outside of work, and only my morals (aka not wanting to cause you pain) are the only thing holding me back from seeing what could happen? I love you. I've loved you for the past eight years. You are the only man I have ever been with. Nothing will change that. However, just like I stood by you during the transition from student to professional (and yes, I admit that yours was much smoother than mine), and stood by you the many times I found porn saved on our computer, even when you promised me you had stopped because you knew it was hurting me (not even big-boobed Barbies, nine times out of ten petite brunettes like myself), you need to stand by me during this time, and accept that I'm not the starry-eyed twenty-one year old you married all those years ago. Being out of the collegiate bubble has changed us both, some for the better, some for the worse. You! 've grown into a kind, successful man, now please support me while I c omplete the transition from a drifting twenty-something to a fully fledged adult. Thank you.

Confession #1825

I loved you, I swear I did. But now, I just want you gone. You annoy me. (Your bevy of plain white T-shirts DO need to be folded, no matter how ridiculous you think it is.) You under-appreciate me. (Those dogs you love so much? Yeah, if you do not take care of them, who do you think does?) You criticize me. (Sorry I cannot be a skinny prick like you. However, I am not fat and do not appreciate the snide jokes about my weight. In fact, I'm probably in better shape than you. Oh, and hell yes I'm high maintenance. But you knew that when you chose me.) YOU WORK TOO MUCH. (Your son has brown eyes now; did you know that?)

You stopped giving a fuck, and now, so have I. I just want you to leave. And what I hate most is that I cannot justifiably leave you without feeling like a shitty mother. Then it will be my fault that Daddy is gone. So please, cheat on me, hit me, do something stupid so I have a real reason to leave and take our child with me.

Confession #1826

I know you found my secret blog and that you're there in the place where I could once scream all alone about you and the children. I think you must have found it about the same time you found out about my affair, the one you confronted me about and told me you understood why, but to stop. Before that you never noticed me at all, because you were passed out drunk all over the house, anywhere but in our bed. You've been trying a lot harder and you are a wonderful man in most respects. I have forgiven you for the drinking, we are having fun together again, and the weekends you take me out dancing are a dream come true. There's a "but" in there you know; you can just feel it building. From the first time we made love I knew it wasn't great, but I believed I could teach you what I needed. You are trying baby, but no matter how hard I work to change you, you really don't have a bit of adventure in your soul. I'm lying when I tell you how good you are in bed, because the truth is the only way I can get off is to pretend it's him touching me, holding me. I will stay faithful to you the rest of your life, but his shadow will always be there, exquisite torture as I lie in the circle of your arms at night. I don't love him you know, I love you, but I hunger for him like a Dickens orphan yearns for food. I can't tell him that and I can't tell you, but I cannot hold the pain inside. Today I started a new blog, one that you will never find.

Confession #1827

I have a great life. I have a fantastic job, I've made
wise financial decisions, and I lucked out with a
small inheritance that allowed me to pay my student
loans in one fell swoop. I own my condo, and am well
on my way to retiring about 5 years ahead of my
original schedule thanks to a little luck and LOTS of
hard work.

I married my husband 5 years ago, when his daughter
from his previous marraige was a bratty spoiled 6 year
old. He makes a good deal less than I do, so we have a
prenup that states his daughter is HIS responsibility,
not mine. His money pays for everything for her and he
doesn't touch mine. He is a good dad - child support
is never late or short, he never misses a phone call
or a weekend, and is always off at some event for her
or another.

I told him from the start that I don't want children,
his included. I would never give him a problem when it
came to his time with his daughter (my parents were
divorced too, I know how hard it is for an involved
dad to be away from his children), but I also said I
had no interest in being the stepmommy. I usually
schedule overtime or my own family visits when his
daughter is around for extended periods of time,
especially now that she is a sullen, moody
11-going-on-21 year old. (Seriously, WHY her mother
allows her out of the house looking like Britney in
trash mode is beyond me.)

A few months ago, he asked what I thought about him
applying for full custody. He wasn't happy with the
condition of the house last time he was there and
thinks his useless ex has been using her child support
money on herself rather than on their daughter. I very
calmly explained that I hadn't changed my mind about
never wanting children and that while he had to do
what he felt was right, it would probably end our
relationship if he decided to apply for custody. He
let it drop and I thought that was the end of it.

On Friday, he came home walking about 6 feet off the
ground, shining with happiness. Earlier that day, the
court granted him full custody of his daughter. She is
moving in with his sister this weekend so she doesn't
have to switch schools this late in the year, then
will be with him permanently as of the end of June. He
was ecstatic that this was a "new beginning for all 3
of us" and that I will "love his daughter once I get
to know her for more than 2 days at a time."

I didn't say a word. I nodded my head and said "OK. I
have a lot of work to do at the office this weekend,
so we will discuss this further on Monday." For once
he didn't give me a problem about going back to work.

The condo and the car are in my name. I never merged
bank accounts with him to keep kid money and my money
separate. We do not share credit cards. I did not take
on to help with his student loans, as he would not
allow me.

I am thanking my stars for our prenup, as I will be
filing for divorce on Monday and asking him to move
out by next weekend. I wonder if his daughter will
want to go back to her mother once she finds out that
she and daddy won't be living in my posh apartment. I
should have known better than to waste 7 years of my
life with a daddy.

Oh well, none of my plans are affected by all this. My
heart hurts, but it will heal.


Confession #1828

I never planned to be in love with two men. And yes. I love them Both - in different ways.

Confession #1829

To my "Dear Husband" --

Thanks for not giving me one fucking thing (including simple acknowledgement
or gratitude) for mother's day. Okay, I know I'm "only" six month's
pregnant with my first child, but you could have at least made an effort to
be something OTHER than an insensitive asshole. No such luck -- if
anything, you went out of your way to be a complete prick!

Let's see -- the day before you treated YOURSELF to a bunch of used LP's
from the local record store (you said a couple of them were for me -- yeah,
sure, whatever). And that night after I went to bed you DID get drunk &
spill gin and tonic all over the kitchen floor. Which you also left for me
to clean up when I woke up early Sunday morning to make YOUR mother a
homemade cake for YOU to take to her as a mother's day gift. I guess I
shouldn't be too dismayed at your utter lack of respect when it's obvious
that you're too fucking cheap to buy your OWN mother a gift -- much less
anything for your pregnant wife!

And so after you finally got out of bed on Sunday afternoon (with a bad
hangover, of course), you had the sack to blow up at ME for "being in a bad
mood" all weekend. Okay, so I was feeling kind of blah because I'm hormonal
and off my meds due to pregnancy; as such, I neglected to laugh at any of
your stupid hackneyed jokes. FUCKING SUE ME!!

I didn't feel like wasting the effort to try and explain any of this to you,
particularly when I could see that you were only trying to pick a fight with
me anyway (probably so you could feel justified in acting like a selfish
prick). So I retreated to the bedroom, closed the door and slept for the
rest of the day -- not only because I was hot and tired, but because I
wanted to be away from YOU.

I didn't feel like putting on a happy face in front of your family to make
YOU feel better, so I sent you off to your parent's house alone (but with my
homemade cake, of course). I spent the rest of the day in bed, crying a
little and feeling generally sorry for myself -- pathetic, yes, but it's not
like you'd give a shit even if you knew.

I can only hope that my next mother's day experience is better, because this
years' fucking SUCKED. Thanks for nothing, asshole -- I'm breathless with
anticipation over what kind of consideration I WON'T get from you when it's
time for me to give birth!

-Your wife

PS: And don't even try to lay the "I forgot" bullshit on me -- all of this
happened AFTER you saw the mother's day card your own parents mailed me.
I'll get over this pretty soon because I'm accustomed to swallowing my anger
over your lack of consideration, but in the meantime -- YOU SUCK. And if
you were expecting any kind of special treatment this coming father's day,
think again!

Confession #1830

I know what you're looking at on the computer. I see all the singles sites listed in the history. We've talked about this before. I'm debating confronting you again. Why do you continue to lie to me, to cheat on me emotionally?

I was so hurt and finally beginning to trust you again. I never should have checked the history, I just can't help myself. I HAVE TO KNOW. I wish I didn't know. What do I do now?

Why would you prefer to do sexy IMing with someone you don't even know, as opposed to your wife who is here with you? I bet you are exchanging emails with a horny guy and you don't even know it. Maybe he'll suck your dick for you everyday. You never touch me or show affection to me unless it leads to getting laid. What is wrong with me that you don't want to be with me? Why did you marry me?


Anonymous said...

to #1827 -- I know you're bound to get a whole raft o' shit for this post, but personally I think you're completely justified in filing for a divorce. More power to you for sticking to your guns!

Anonymous said...

#1821, You just got a preview of his basic parenting skills and how he deals with problems. What makes you think he'll be any more of an effective father to the child he has with you?

Anonymous said...

1827: On the one hand, I understand not wanting something in your life and sticking to your guns about not wanting children.

But on the other hand ... it's not as if the child was a secret. He didn't spring a surprise lovechild on you years after you married. I think if you feel so strongly about not having children, then you should not have chosen to marry a man with a child. It's should not have been a surprise to you that he may one day want to spend more time with his child.

You should have walked away 5 years ago.

Anonymous said...


"Try not to be so jealous huh? I immediately figured you to be some unattractive book worm, who has let herself go simply b/c you are married and your idea of fun is going to Barnes and Noble with a group of your other book worm friends. Maybe living on the wild side by having a ‘different flavored’ latte this time ~~YAWN~~~ And doubt that at almost 40, your considered a milf."

"but geez people – would it kill you to be a bit nicer? You’ll be the death of this site."

Leaving aside that books are fun and smart women are sexy and your misspellings show you wouldn't believe me anyway, how ironic that you're doing what you are whining that others do.

Anonymous said...

#1827 - I get that you were honest and that you really don't want a relationship with your husband's daughter, but I have to wonder why you got involved with a man with a child in the first place if you felt that strongly, and don't say it is because you loved him because if you loved him you would be willing to try to make this work. If his ex died and he was left with custody through no fault of his own would you expect him to give her to strangers to raise or divorce him? I really don't understand.

Anonymous said...

3:49 PM, I think if you feel so strongly about not having children, then you should not have chosen to marry a man with a child.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!!

Anonymous said...

Confession #1823 --- I agree with you about the comments, but hey!

Not all of us happily married bookworms are fat, ugly, barnes & noble fangirls over 40. Some of us bookworms are hot 20something milfs of 3 who can party with the best of them, and curl up with a book the next day....

Don't lump us "hot" bookworms together with small-minded unhappy people who have nothing better to do than talk shit in anonymous blog comments.

Anonymous said...

#1827 - You are a sick, selfish bitch. I hope your husband leaves you and that you will be heartsick over it.

That is your husbands flesh and blood. She will be more important and loved by him than you ever will.

I hope he will find himself a woman who will support him in EVERY way, whether she wants children or not.

You are a spoiled, selfish fool.

Anonymous said...

#1827 I don't think you are selfish or sick. You said you don't want kids and that's cool.

But really I am confused as to why you would then MARRY someone with a child.

Anonymous said...

> I hunger for him like a Dickens orphan yearns for food.

I'm still laughing. That's great.

Anonymous said...

Lots of essays in here today....We really do talk too much ;x

Anonymous said...

Why would someone who didn't want children marry someone with a child?

Why would someone who can't take criticism post her confession in a public space?

Why would someone who doesn't like her husband's fatherhood skills want to have a baby with him?

Why would anyone who wants her confession read not use paragraphs?


Anonymous said...

1827: You know, I would like to be upset at you for your post...but I can't find reason to be. You told him you never wanted kids and that if his daughter lived with you permanently it would end the relationship. yeah, maybe you should have chosen a man that DIDN'T have kids, but he knew what he was walking into as well as your knowing. So, as much as I would like to sit here calling you names...I can't. It's a sad situation but it was all laid out before hand. I wish you all good luck.

Kel-Bel said...

#1827 ~ While I understand what you are saying and admire that you were so up front with your husband from the stat about not wanting to have kids, I also wonder why did you marry a man with a child? like 3:57 said did you ever consider what happened if the ex died?

Have you even considered staying a while to see if you can be the positive influence on this child that you obviously feel she needs? I say try it for a while (if you can get past his ignoring your opinion when he asked about filing, which to me is the biggest transgression in this situation), if you still aren't comfortable and don't want kids get that divorce.

If you do stay family counseling might be in order.

Anonymous said...

Actually, kel, I wouldn't advise that 1827 stay, precisely because the child probably does need a good influence.

See, kids are smart. They know when they're not wanted. 1827 was upfront about not wanting kids, and if she stayed, the kid would understand 1827's feelings immediately. So the kid would move into a tense, cold home, and feel like 1827 was the "bad guy," and *when* the inevitable divorce came, the kid would then have lived through two divorces, and would feel like this second marriage split up because of her.

If the kid needs a positive influence, she sure shouldn't be made to feel like she's a homewrecker and nobody loves her but daddy. If 1827 is sure she doesn't want kids -- as she seems to be -- she shouldn't experiment with the security of a child.

Anonymous said...

Re: 1827, what's up with all you people heaping the blame on this woman? She was HONEST and HE chose this situation too. Sounds like he wasn't listening very well, or that he thought she'd CHANGE. Bullshit. Not on something like that, not when she tells him where she stands. What sort of man would make such a major decision with such willed ignorance?

Go on, 1827. Get on with life and make it what you want. You didn't do anything wrong. It was daddy that rolled the dice in this case.

Anonymous said...

to all the #1827 haters - his ex did not die. he deliberately went behind her back after she gave him total honesty. there is no way to know what her reaction to the death of his spouse would have been - it's not relevant. NO ONE wants to be honest about their desires with their spouse and have them completely disregard those wishes, walk on clouds about it, and then say you will change your mind. that's bullshit of the deepest variety, everyone who reads this blog should recognize it by now. lay off.

Anonymous said...

1827 - Yes, you told this man you didn't want kids, to include his.

However, when you accepted his marriage proposal, he "thought" that meant you took him as he is - a father above all else. And he wasn't the brightest for marrying a woman who didn't accept him as a package deal.

You've got to stand your ground now. If you stay, he's going to try to talk you into HAVING a child.

Anonymous said...

1827- You are my hero. I wish you the best of luck with your divorce.

Anonymous said...

#1829: Oh, honey. I'm sorry you had such a terrible Mother's Day. Next year, please, for yourself - don't bake a homemade cake or do ANYTHING for his mother that takes more than two minutes of your time. Really. The only way he's ever going to learn is if the gin spilled on the kitchen floor gets a "I changed my mind - YOU get to handle things with your mother for Mother's Day" in response.

Sorry if this sounds harsh - I'm not trying to be, honest. I just hate the thought of this guy's thoughtlessness being rewarded. But hey - there's still time to assign him more than 50% of the diaper duty!

1827: Good for you for knowing your own mind and sticking to your guns. That having been said, a note for all childfree out there: If the thought of raising a child in even a limited fashion is *completely* unacceptable to you, then don't marry someone with children. Should your husband have taken you more seriously when you said that you didn't want kids? Oh yes. But his first responsibility is to his minor child. He clearly believes this is best for her - and, in my experience, fathers aren't generally granted custody over the objections of mothers unless there's pretty clear and convincing need.

Hope the divorce goes smoothly.

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who is getting a "faker" vibe from 1827?

Anonymous said...

Oh, God, not Jane Doh again.

Sarah said...

Don't wish for the worse to happen.

You go girl! Good luck with the divorce! and hopefully, you won't find yourself lonely as you get old! Saving isn't everything!

--love them Both - in different ways????--

I am sorry that you're going through a hard time with your Husband. Have you tried to ask for help or talk to him about it?
Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I am getting that "faker" vibe on 1827, too.

Anonymous said...

I don't see why everyone is being so hard on 1827 and giving 1821 a free pass. 1821 is bringing ANOTHER BABY into a screwed up extended family. My ex's parents had divorced and remarried single moms/dads, and didn't have enough time to devote to any of the kids. Today, he isn't 'available' for a relationship; he fills some void in his life by overscheduling himself with multiple jobs, night classes, and volunteer work. My guess is he finds it easier to work himself to numbness than spend time working on a relationship because he doesn't know how. It's sad.

Anonymous said...

1823 - WTF? This comment: I immediately figured you to be some unattractive book worm, who has let herself go simply b/c you are married and your idea of fun is going to Barnes and Noble with a group of your other book worm friends. removes any sympathy a neutral party like me might feel for you. You're obviously someone who is dumb, self-absorbed, and proud of being ignorant. The last book you probably read was about how to apply make up. You deserve what you get.

Anonymous said...

1827 - If your post is for real then I don't blame you, you were honest from the start and he knows this but he also knows he has to do this for the sake of his daughter. Good luck to the both of you

Anonymous said...

1827 strikes me as being completely UN-faker-like. I've known a few other real-life situations that worked out like this.

Moral of the story: If you are a divorced parent with a child or children, don't marry someone who is unwilling to live with your child if the necessity arrives. For the childfree thinking of marrying a childed person: Assume a worst-case scenario - the child's other parent dies or becomes abusive - and ask yourself if you could live with the child coming to live with you. Can't? Don't marry. Sucks, but them's the breaks.

Anonymous said...

If 1827 is all that she's cracked up to be, why did she marry at all? The only person she is truly in love with is herself, so why does she even need a relationship with anyone else? It wasn't for the money. Was it for companionship and/or sex? Don't tell me that in all of 1827's you-go-girl, stick to your guns awesome-ness that she was weak enough to turn to a man for companionship and/or sex.

Kick 'em to the curb on the road to liberation, baby! With divorce in hand, all you'll need is a cat and a vibrator to complete your miserable existence. Go on...enjoy your future loneliness and is all of your own making :)

Anonymous said...

spelling nazi strikes again!

you are one sick bitch. i hate name calling- but i will make an exception for yuo.

i left that last one so you can feel better about yourself. if only we could all be as smart as you-bitch.

p.s. still in a geat relationship. choke on it.

best wishes to the rest of you

Anonymous said...

What, exactly, is a "geat relationship"? Are you currently shacked up with your gate? Inquiring minds want to know exactly what yuo - excuse me, YOU - meant by that.

Note: Firefox has a spellchecker that alerts you to misspelled words - you might try switching to that IF YOU ARE GOING TO TRY TO COMMUNICATE IN A WRITTEN MEDIUM.

Anonymous said...

1827 RULES. And I say that as a childfree stepmother with joint custody; the difference here is that my husband has never gone behind my back and made arrangements that impact my life (that I specifically said NO to) while saying basically, 'you'll get used to it and love the kid(s) like I do, so suck it up.'

Bio parents don't get that asking a step to "love their kids" is like pointing at any random kid on the street and demanding you love them. Love is earned, it's not a right. If the kid is unloveable, they won't get loved. DUH.

It's possible to be both childfree and a stepparent, but ONLY if the bio parent is a good parent, the ex is somewhat sane, the kids are good kids, and expectations are clear and upfront. Childfree doesn't always mean you hate kids; it means you never wanted any of your own, so for all of you pulling out that tired old chestnut "you knew he had kids when you married him" here's the other side: HE KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE KIDS WHEN HE MARRIED ME.

Get it?

And as for that whiny 'who will take care of you when you're old if you don't have teh baybeez?': the same people who'll be taking care of you. Little, brown, underpaid people.

Anonymous said...

#1827's marriage was doomed from jump. All this talk of "my money" and "his money" and "me" and "mine" does not a MARRIAGE make. You would rather this man leave his child in an unfit environment than take full custody because you just can't be 'bothered' with a child?

I don't understand why people who don't want to be bothered with another person's kid date/marry people with kids! Hello??? Your husband should've been the one filing for divorce and he shouldn't have married you in the first place.

Anonymous said...

1827: Wow. If that's how you feel, then divorce sounds like the best arrangement for all parties. Your marriage sounds more like a business arrangement than a partnership anyway.

I don't understand why you two got seems like a crazy situation. It was shitty of him to go behind your back, but that's his kid. What is he supposed to do, leave her in a situation where he feels she's being neglected? Even though he want about the custody underhandedly, the bottom line is she's his responsibility, whether you agree or not.

I feel sorry for the daughter. She can't help that her mother is useless and her dad is clueless. 8:21 is right: kids are intuitive and I'm sure she knows you don't want her around, even now. She deserves a chance at a loving home life which she won't get with you in the picture.

Anonymous said...

1827's marriage was certainly not doomed from the start - they had a perfectly acceptable arrangement about the child up until now. It was the husband who filed for sole custody without her knowledge and then just expected this women, whose feelings had been made clear to him, to accept his daughter into her home and love her.

My husband and I also have completely separate bank accounts and credit cards. It keeps us from fighting about who spent how much on what. We each contribute monthly to a small joint account out of which the household bills are paid. It's a perfectly reasonable way to live.

I'm sorry 1827's situation has changed in the way it has but I'm glad for her that she will be able to get out of the marriage with her finances and credit intact. There is nothing wrong with financial independence and I think every woman should have at least a small bank account in her own name, just in case.

Anonymous said...

Re: 1827: I don't think you all would be as harsh if it was a man saying they were not interested in children.

I agree she shouldn't have been naive enough to think that they could have a childfree marriage when he already had a child. But he went behind her back and assumed that she would change her mind and learn to love his kid.

That doesn't make her "selfish". That means she was up front about what she was looking for in a relationship. And I have credit cards in my name and a bank account with only my name on it. I am definitely married.

Anonymous said...

I get the point of this site now.

Men bad, women good.

Anonymous said...

Hey, B & N is awesome! If you don't know that, then you obviously haven't checked out how many hot men are in there. You go on and be a hater. The rest of us don't want to have to dodge your illiterate ass while we wander the aisles with our lattes anyway ;)

Anonymous said...


You have to be kidding right?

#1827, I agree about him going behind your back. That sucks. I hate to see any marriage break up but I agree with those who said this doesn't really sound like a real marriage.

You two should've been close friends but never married. He was a jerk for going behind your back so I can't really blame you for leaving. You meant what you said and he has no right to do what he did without your approval.

I wish both of you could've found a better way but my general take on life is people "feel" too much and think too little. It's the cause of most divorces actually. Spouses need to think, then feel. Each person needs to take the other's needs and wants into account.

Love, respect and compromise, that's what real marriages are. Everyone (husbands and wives) needs to think about how certain acts affect their spouse before they're done. But real marriages have become nothing but another through away in our disposable society. Sad.

Anonymous said...

#1826 I feel so sorry for you. My advice to you is you simply have to stop thinking about the other person. I know it's hard and it hurts but you will become resentful of your husband who seems to be trying to be rebuild.

You both did wrong and need forgiveness. Now you're rebuilding. If you don't want to rebuild you have to let him know otherwise for the rest of your life you will long for something.

And don't continue to lie about your love life but also don't continue to fixate on the other man. That would solve anything. It's a bandage that will still eat away at you both.

You have to now start a different thought process. I wish I could say exactly what to do but I can't. I will say your commitment to be faith is worth so much.

I pray that your marriage will heal and you can enjoy sex with you spouse, as is the will of God. Marriage is so hard, and so many people need to change their thoughts on it. I think both of you (from your post) are headed in the right direction. Divorce is the easy way out for so many now days.

Melissa said...

I don't think 1827 is a faker. I think she's kind of sadly detached. like she only loves him a certain percentage of the way, but remained aloof enough to just be able to up and leave. that's what I find disturbing about the story. if you're married, you give 100%, you love with your whole heart. and it doesn't sound like she was ever doing that. not to be able to so blithely say "I'll heal. c'est la vie."

1829, sorry for the insensitivity of your husband. happy mother's day!

Anonymous said...

Jane Doh strikes again. You all are a bunch of suckers.

Anonymous said...

Right on, 4:20. TWC: Lifetime TV, blog style.

Anonymous said...

He was a father before he was married to you. His responsibility is to his minor child first. If you can't handle that, well, buh-bye and he's better off in a hovel than with you and your "posh" apartment.

Anonymous said...

1827 HAS to be Jane Doh. Only Jane's posts give me that "funny feeling" inside when I read them...a sickening anger.

When I first read it, I was going to post in reply. I waited a few hours and read it a few times more. Yep, it's Jane.

Mission accomplished: you got everyone upset again, sicko.

Anonymous said...

"Childfree doesn't always mean you hate kids; it means you never wanted any of your own, so for all of you pulling out that tired old chestnut "you knew he had kids when you married him" here's the other side: HE KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE KIDS WHEN HE MARRIED ME. "

you rock. word up.

Anonymous said...

1827 god do you know what a bitch you've made yourself out to be its probably a good thing you don't want kids because your too self centered to love and nuture one yourself, get a grip and come back to the real world.

Anonymous said...

Hey 1823

Are you divorced yet? Open marriage? If you're both cheating, what's the use in being married? This sounds like a dead relationship. You may as well execute the coup de grace and divorce. Then you can be an aging cougar with a clear conscience.

Anonymous said...

It's clear that 1827 made her mistake five years ago.

And 4:20 hit the nail on the head.

Dana - W for Whatever said...

I know that I'm very young. I read this blog to learn what not to do as I move forward with my relationships. That having been said I completely agree with 1827. She married him on the understanding that she would not need to be actively involved in the upbringing of the child and the child would not be resident there. That is a dealbreaker. She's not a fan of children (like I also am not a fan) and I think I would have reacted in the same way. I don't think I could bear a sullen pre-teen who isn't mind all up in my space.

Anonymous said...


I know what you mean, but I got caught, it's been good for both of us.

Anonymous said...

Qat said...
He was a father before he was married to you. His responsibility is to his minor child first. If you can't handle that, well, buh-bye and he's better off in a hovel than with you and your "posh" apartment.

8:20 PM

I so agree with you.

Anonymous said...

#1827, I think you both were fooling yourselves to begin with and I think a divorce is certainly in order. The agreement you both had was ridiculous and in no way feasible. If either of you would've brought this idea to any trained therapist beforehand I'm pretty sure they would've warned against it. I feel for the poor little girl in the middle of this.

You have every right to not want children but in the future please do not date men with offspring! No kid deserves the treatment you two were giving his daughter. Anyone who agrees with you needs their head examined.

Anonymous said...

1827 does smack a little of Jane (or John) Doughy.

Anonymous said...

#1627 Wow, I admire your resolve. I completely agree with pookiesix - he knew as well as you did what the boundaries were.

I'm sure he's in for quite a shock but from the sounds of your post, he should have known you meant business when you said you didn't want kids - period.

I get it.

Anonymous said...

Oops #1827, not 1627.... sorry... stupid laptop numbers :)

Anonymous said...

"She married him on the understanding that she would not need to be actively involved in the upbringing of the child and the child would not be resident there."

Note to any contentedly childfree person who is thinking of marrying a parent under that assumption: THERE IS NO WAY TO BE SURE OF THAT IF YOU MARRY SOMEONE WITH A MINOR CHILD. Other parents can die, or be transferred overseas, or start dating a child molestor, or just grow tired of parenting and send the kid on a bus to live with your spouse. You have no way of knowing if this is going to happen. The most apparently sane and reasonable custodial parents have been known to lose their minds...and the first concern that a parent of a *minor* child MUST have is that child's well-being - not the child's wants, necessarily, but his or her basic needs.

Was 1827's husband living in a dream world? Yes. But I can't imagine that he'd manage to win custody away from the child's mother, given the way our court system tends to work, unless there was clear and convincing evidence that the child would be better off with her father. His delusion that you'll accept the kid and take a 50/50 parenting role is obviously wrong, but his desire to do the best thing for his child and the action he took in pursuit of that goal are not.

Bottom line: If you absolutely, positively cannot tolerate a minor child of any age living in your home, DO NOT MARRY A PERSON WITH MINOR CHILDREN. Call it the Childfree Corollary of Murphy's Law - any child that can end up having to live in the home of a resolutely childfree stepparent likely will.

ZigZagMan said...


I just dunno. While I respect your stance, and agree he knew the deal..if all is as you say, some things stand out with your post.

your preface is how proud you are of...
1) your money which you worked very hard for
2) your luck, and money it brought
3) your kindness to him for "allowing him" time with his "sullen" brat..on his dime.
4) your posh apartment which you share. Which you bring up twice...

For his part...he's wrong to
1) expect you truly accept him as a dad
2) expect you to have a fulltime family with short people
3) think that would change

He was wrong.....and your right, this divorce is probably for the best..financially and emotionally for both of you.

To each thier own....seems a cold marriage anywho.

Anonymous said...

1827 - You are a prime example of everything that is wrong with this world today. Us women belong in the home, in the kitchen, and raising kids. We do not belong in the workforce. If women are working, they should not be allowed to marry at all. When you said "I do", you handed over your rights to college, carreer, and ownership. Suck it up and accept your place.

Anonymous said...

#1821 - Your a BITCH!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

"1827 - You are a prime example of everything that is wrong with this world today. Us women belong in the home, in the kitchen, and raising kids. .... When you said "I do", you handed over your rights to college, carreer, and ownership."

Jerry Fallwell? Are you channelling through TWC?.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what you are so worrid about. She knows your a bitch and will stear clear of you.

Anonymous said...

I wrote #1821 and I have to admit it does sound awful. Just keep in mind that my confession, along with hundreds of others on here, are some of our worst, darkest thoughts at any given point in time, and do not always accurately portray someone's overall attitude.

My husband is a great father, but with a backstabbing, manipulative, self-indulgent Ex, it is hard to undo some of the bad habits my stepson was taught by her. It created problems in our home. I also tried my best as a stepmother, but the truth is that, as any stepmother knows, your hands are often tied. You can't fix those relationships even when you try.

I am glad he left because he is happier with his mother and my husband is not constantly stressed out. I do love my stepson and he is a nice kid, but after 10 years of being with his mother, a father's tough love was too much for him to handle.

Oh, and as for the missing paragraphs: mine was written in paragraphs but it wasn't put on this site as such.

I give kudos out to all stepmothers.

Anonymous said...

9:34 AM said:
1827 - You are a prime example of everything that is wrong with this world today. Us women belong in the home, in the kitchen, and raising kids. We do not belong in the workforce. If women are working, they should not be allowed to marry at all. When you said "I do", you handed over your rights to college, carreer, and ownership. Suck it up and accept your place.

Are you for real?

Anonymous said...

Are you for real?

Yes, I am for real. A woman's place is in the home. With her family. When women traded in their aprons for pant-suits and allowed strangers to raise their babies the world fell apart. Women were built to make babies and raise babies, to turn your back on that is to turn your back on nature.

As for this particular 'woman', I am very glad she has chosen not to have children. We do not need a person like that rasing chilren with the mentality that it's okay for mothers to abandon thier families for the sake of their own selfishness.

Anonymous said...


I get it.

Unknown said...

With divorce in hand, all you'll need is a cat and a vibrator to complete your miserable existence. Go on...enjoy your future loneliness and is all of your own making :)

11:44 AM

If a woman chooses independence, why do people suddenly assume she is doomed to be a lonely miserable spinster? Why does choosing to be without a mate immediately equal a doomed existence? Women who immediately jump to that conclusion must secretly be envious of women who have more freedom. Or they are terrified of being alone themselves. To think a woman without a mate is some sort of abberation is hilarious. And pathetic.

Besides, cats are awesome. As are vibrators. :)

Anonymous said...

"With divorce in hand, all you'll need is a cat and a vibrator to complete your miserable existence. Go on...enjoy your future loneliness and is all of your own making :) "

Aw, that's sweet. Especially that little passive aggressive smiley at the end. Because of course being married to a guy who betrays you and lies to you and goes behind your back is much, much better than not having any sort of man at all.

A good cat is better than a bad man, any day.

Anonymous said...

"9:34 AM said:
1827 - You are a prime example of everything that is wrong with this world today. Us women belong in the home, in the kitchen, and raising kids. We do not belong in the workforce. If women are working, they should not be allowed to marry at all. When you said "I do", you handed over your rights to college, carreer, and ownership. Suck it up and accept your place. "

BWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's funny. Tell you what, keep that kind of shit in the holler and keep spitting out kids while the rest of us move on into the 21st century. Or better yet, why don't you be the single person on the planet to raise GOOD DECENT MEN THAT WOMEN CAN COUNT ON. I'm sure they only exist where you are though.

Anonymous said...

"Women were built to make babies and raise babies, to turn your back on that is to turn your back on nature."

I CAN'T have babies. I'm going through heartbreaking infertility treatments. I keep hearing dumbass comments from people that the infertility treatments "aren't natural."

So let me see if I've got this right. I'm not natural, because I'm a woman but I can't make babies. The IVF I'm doing to be able to make babies, though ... that's not natural either.

I think I'll just start punching people who piss me off. That's natural, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

Tell you what, keep that kind of shit in the holler and keep spitting out kids while the rest of us move on into the 21st century

For the record, I am a childless 29 year old housewife... I do not work outside of my home, I do not have a career, I do not have a family other than my husband. We just passed our 10th anniversary.

I have been trying to concieve for 15 months without any luck. And to any woman that can afford fertility treatments, why don't you use that money and adopt an unwanted child of a career woman, instead? I cannot afford fertility treatments, my insurance does not cover it, so I am left to nature and to chance...

But, even childless, I still take care of my husband, my house, and my responsibilities. As every good and faithful wife should. He comes home to a clean house and a warm dinner everynight. It is my job, my place, and my purpose as a woman and a wife. And I embrace it.

Anonymous said...

Ooooh dat last comment be da bomb. I know my man better be workin up in her. I get his dinner but he better have my money. You gotsta take of dem childrens. You be leavin them out on da streets you a crack whore chickenhead. You need to take care of yo baby daddy if he's representin you.

Anonymous said...

11:02 pm --

Shit. I knew I hadn't heard a "why don't you adopt" comment in way too long.

It's always the people who haven't tried it who suggest it as a cure-all.

Anonymous said...

11:21, you make no sense. Learn english please.

Anonymous said...

Get ready people.

Women like 1827 are becoming the norm--women who are anything but feminine, selfless, and loyal.

You silly liberals and women-firsters should all be rejoicing, because the beast that is feminism is destroying the very fabric of society!

So stay in the workforce and remain independent. Just don't complain 20-30 years down the line when people like 1827 and her western manly-female counterparts are left to their own demise, and western men are sitting pretty with their graceful, motherly, feminine foreign wives.

Shame on all you women who think it's cool and feasible to defy nature.

Anonymous said...

9:16 pm, it's fine with me if that happens. I married a foreign man -- the American men I met either were full of rage or regarded marriage as a noose. My husband is full of sweetness, and wanted nothing more than to stand with me in front of a crowd and say "I love this woman."

I hope globalization brings other women similar joy. :)

Anonymous said...

9:16 PM

Finally an intellegent woman! Thank you for telling it like it is!

Anonymous said...

Well, thanks ... but my husband is from a matriarchal culture where bloodlines are traced through the female side of the family, not the male. He's about as feminist as they come.

My point is not that feminism is bad. My point is that there are a lot of angry, suspicious women AND men in America, and they don't make good mates. If anyone's made angry and suspicious by feminism, that's a problem ... but feminism itself created my husband, and I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life.

Anonymous said...

1827, as a lawyer, I call bullshit.

No court changes custody without a guardian ad litem appointed for the child who thoroughly investigates the family situation including (at the very least) a home visit and interview with every adult living in the prospective new home. That is the very least. At the most, there would have been huge lawyer fees, time spent at trial, and a subpoena to testify.

Anonymous said...

1827 -- You completely rock! Good for you to sticking to your guns, and being strong enough to admit that a childed siltation isn't good for you. I would've done the exact same thing.

Good luck with your divorce.

Anonymous said...

1827: I think the question isn't "why didn't he belivev me that I didn't ever want children" rather why would you be with a father knowing you never want children? Some people just aren't cut out to be parents and you are quite obviously are one of them. I don't think it is your husband you should be mad at rather yourself for being so selfish as to persue a relationship with a man whom you knew quite well that it could never REALLY LAST with!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I love this blog. I love seeing women taking power and putting their men in place. I am a man, and I let my wife put me in my place. She has two lovers and I buy her sexy outfits and they take her on vacations. I had to talk her into taking these fruits of life. But we're all happy, except her lovers who want to take her away from me.