Friday, January 25, 2008

True Wife Confession 233 BFF

Confession #2321

I have spent countless hours taking care of your mother's health, advocating for her at the hospital and with doctors, persuading her to go to the ER when she's on the verge of heart failure, and making sure her prescriptions are filled. I consider this my filial duty as her daughter-in-law since you have no siblings and she trusts my judgment better than she does yours. But every time I bring her home repaired from the hospital, I have an anxiety attack as I realize anew that she's going to keep on living in our basement for years if not decades to come. I hate her so much. I wish for her to fall under the wheels of a bus every single day.

Confession #2322

Dear Fiance,

I am unhappy with you. I feel that you always choose your friends over me. I feel that you are always angry at me. We rarely have fun together anymore. Things used to be soooo much better. You never smile at me the way you used to. It's like being with me is a chore for you. Why do you think we've been engaged for 13 months and I haven't made any moves to plan our 'wedding?'

I don't think I want to marry you anymore. But I will go through with it. Why? Because I don't think I would ever find anyone else who would want to be with me. It astounds me that you're still with me. I totally don't get it. You are the first guy to love me. The only guy. When we met, I was in my late twenties, never had a boyfriend, never been intimate with anyone, overweight, ugly, unhappy....and then you came along. Things were great for the first few years, but now I am miserable. I guess I'd rather be miserable with you than miserable all alone. I know I will be a old maid if I walk away from this relationship.

So I'll go on doing what I do: working hard, taking care of our home, taking care of you. Letting you get away with treating me poorly and then crying when you're not around. Because every once in a while I get to see you smile, I hear you really laughing with me, feel you kiss me with meaning, enjoy some time spent together...and I'll use those moments to get me past all the other times when you're walking out the door or drinking your 10th beer, or complaining about me.

I don't know how you do it, but everytime I try to confront you, you turn it around and make it sound like I'm a nagging, hovering, bitch who has no life and wants you to have no life either. How the hell do you do that? You totally turn it around until I don't even know what to say anymore.

I hate you and I love you. I never thought I'd feel so torn. This sucks.


Confession #2323

Honey, for the most part we get along pretty well. I can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else. Sure, you do things that annoy me from time to time, but nothing I can't get over.

I suggest you get over me cleaning the house. I just don't care if there is laundry to be done. I don't care if there are dishes in the sink. I don't care if the dust is thick on the coffee table. I don't care if my home office isn't as clean as you would keep yours.

You knew when you met me that I wasn't a neat freak. You lived with me for a year before we got married. You shouldn't be shocked four years in the marriage that my shoes still land where I take them off and the newspaper doesn't hit the recycle bin except on Sunday night when the garbage goes out.

If you want the house to be Martha Stewart clean I recommend that you do it yourself. Or hire Martha. Either way.

Confession #2324

I recognize that you work hard - I do too. I know that our child is a challenge and can be unreasonable and difficult to manage - But when I come home from work to find you screaming - with a bloody nose from your blood pressure rising so much - and her in her room sobbing OVER NOTHING - I can not understand what is wrong with you. When you yell at her about homework, YOU DO NOT HELP. Yelling at her does not help her understand the problems OR ease her already sizeable anxiety about school. I know you were pissed off when we went to the student conferences ( which you refused to attend) and your child told her teacher that "Daddy makes her really nervous about homework". You were more angry when I responded "That sounds accurate" to the teacher.

SHE IS NOT YOU. School is not easy for her and you are making it a billion times more difficult.


Confession #2325

Dear Husband,

Falling in love with you was beautiful. It was natural, organic, and simply amazing.
You were the kindest man I knew.
You did every little thing for me to make my life better.
You made me want to be a better person.

We fought about communication a little, but eventually got over that hurdle.

But now it's back.
And we're married.
And I can't take it anymore.
When we argue, I NEED to talk about it.
You don't want to talk.
EVER.

I don't understand this.
How can we overcome a problem if we don't talk about it?

This isn't the first time.
But this is the last time.

I'm filing for a separation.
And you know what?
I DON'T want to talk about it, although I think you might since I'm getting the house
and the kids.

Good luck.

Confession #2326

I'm sure you don't have all the time in the world to read the words I write to you. I'm sorry I asked you to join. You're over there, because I told you to join. The nights get lonely, and with every breath I wish to kiss you. With every shiver of cold air on my bare skin, I want to be held. With every heartbeat, I say I love you. I miss you. I see you everywhere. I find myself talking to you at night. I wish you could hear. But you can't. I keep it together during the day, but at night... at night is when I miss you the most. I'm sorry that we took the time we had together for granted. I 'm sorry that we would fight about stupid things. I love you more than words can say. I don't want to be your distraction. And I am sorry about the thing with Melissa. I really am. I didn't mean for it to get out of hand like that. I've been keeping the house (fairly) clean. I still have alot of work to do. I miss you something awful. I hope you and Walls can work something out. If you could, please tell him that I am sorry and it won't happen ever again unless I am directed to do so. I keep the front light on for you. I know its stupid, but you're not home, so I can't shut off the light. You know, I've never found myself to be a religious person. I see the only reason one should bother god is if its very important. So at night the girls and I talk to the god.

"Dear God,
Please bless Amanda, and Rebecca ,and Mommy, and Daddy.
Please watch over Daddy and the soldiers that are far away
So we can see them all again some day, amen"

And that's it.

The clock keeps on ticking and I keep on thinking about you. Night after night, I look out to the stars wondering if you see the same ones I do. I want to sleep but my thoughts keep returning on how we were, before I held you so tight. Before I had to say good bye, before I saw those tail-lights. I love you and I miss you. I keep on trying and my eyes keep on closing, but I just can't sleep. The scent of your skin, even after two weeks, lingers in our sheets. I hold your pillow like I am trying to hold you, but you can only hold a pillow so tight all through the night. I guess tonight is a bad night, its the worst by far. How I wish there was no ocean, I'd drive to where you are. I'd look into your eyes and then I'd just smile, the I'd say "I told you the miles wouldn't keep me from loving you." Then I'd kiss you as I'd close my eyes and then when I'd open them again, you'll be gone. Because finally I would be able to fall asleep and I'd know that I don't just love you eveyday, but I love you with every beat of my heart, with every lonely tear on my cheek, every time I see the flag that you serve under so proud. When I hear the bugles played so loud, my heart swells with pride knowing that I am your wife. I'll be loving you for the rest of my life. So if I do sleep tonight, I know that I will dream of a time when 4 am was a time for me to love you when you were with me. You're really not gone, you're just away. I'm still beside you, and there I will stay. I'll love you and support you the best that I can, and believe me when I say I'll hold your hand. I'm still here infront of this blinding screen waiting to see your name to tell me that you are still here. Don't take this the wrong way, but the miles do hurt, but every minute brings me closer to you. So I'll go upstairs and lay by your side, and I'll close my eyes so all that I can see is you.

Confession #2327

My Darling Husband,

I love you so much. And yet, I hate you at the same time. I can never work up the nerve to tell you this to your face, because of the fear that you won't listen. Well, actually, I know you won't listen to me. I completely love you sometimes, and I can't think of any one but you, but honestly? I get tired of you being selfish, I'm tired of you being mean to me, I'm tired of you being....you. I could never tell you this, and I've almost yelled it a few times "I WANT A DIVORCE!" and honestly, most of the time? I do. I want to pack up the kids, I want to pack up my things, and I want to leave and never come back. Ever.

You are selfish, you complain all. the. time, and I can't stand it. I get tired of your mom calling every other day wondering why she hasn't seen her grandkids, on her terms. There are things that I want to do, I want to get a degree from the school that I've had my heart set on, but since I am the "young one" in our relationship I don't get to make those decisions. Ask you to make a sacrifice? Pfft. Right.

I WANT A DIVORCE!!!!!!


Confession #2328

You darling, have a serious problem. For some odd reason, you honestly, truly, believe that you are ALWAYS right. Always. Doesn't matter what we are talking about. You. Know. It. All. From the temperature outside, to who the next president is going to be, to how I should cook a pork chop...anything-i am surprised you don't tell me that i don't do my hair right, or my bra size is wrong. Now, if you did know everything, or were usually right, then fine. I would deal with it. But you are usually WRONG! But what really, really fucking irritates me, is that if i say something, annnnnnything that disagrees with what you say...before i have no more than 5 syllables out, you cut me off. Today, I told you I had an appointment that I had to go to. You wanted me to stay home to take care of something less important. I tried to tell you that I had to go...what did you do? Cut me off and loudly told me to "just call them! Get the number!!! See when they close! What is so hard? Are you retarded??" No, love of my life. No I am not retarded. I am irritated and I can feel my blood pressure sky rocketing with every word you say. So i turn around, get the number and call. Calling was irrelevant though, because I needed to make it to this appointment by a certain time, regardless of when the place closed. So I don't say a word to you just yet, I let you cool down (cool down from what, I don't know) The I casually tell you,
"Hey, I need to leave soon so-" --you cut me off here--
"Are you retarded??? What is so hard, why didn't you call like I said???"
This was where i reached my boiling point. I said....
"I DID CALL!! IT CLOSES AT NINE, butt--"
"OK IT CLOSES AT NINE?? SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM! JUST GO LATER!"
At this point i try to calm down, and say,
"it doesnt matter what time it closes because--"
"why are you so retarded??"
"WILL YOU LET ME TALK???"
"Yeah, go ahead...."
"I said that I did call, bu--"
"Then what is the problem if you called????"
"OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"fine i don't give a shit anyway, BYE!"

So I left the house and went to my appointment. 30 minutes later you call me. "did they come yet???" I tell you AGAIN....I am not home. I had to go out. You say "oh you went, why?" I might as well speak another language. You are so annoying that I feel like my body is going to explode. I can feel the blood rushing through it.

You tell me all i do is argue, and I always think I am right. How do you argue without speaking??? I don't understand. How do you know that I always think that I'm right, if i never get to tell you what I am thinking? I hate fighting, and arguing, and I hate yelling. But ill be damned if I'm gonna sit back, let you babble on, and cut me off, tell me that I'm wrong, and an idiot when you honestly do not know anything about the situation that you are talking about. Communication is a give and take. You talk, I talk. You listen, I listen. Its not rocket science. And having discussions, about anything doesnt include you calling me stupid!, or retard, or idiot. Do i do it to you? Do I try to demean you? Never. Because it fucking hurts to have someone that you love (despite all of this craziness) insult your intelligence to the point that you honestly believe that they think you are, actually, kind of stupid. I know that I am smart, and I have much better reasoning and communication skills than you. I don't know how else to say it. You need to relax when we disagree. It isn't the end of the world. Didnt you ever hear the corny saying from grade school...God gave you two ears and one mouth. So that you can listen more, and talk less. You need to listen to that, it isn't hard. 2nd graders learn it!

Oh, and the next time that we have a blowout fight and you call me and ask me to warm you up food for your lunch break..im not doing it, you can. I'm a fucking retard, remember??

Confession #2329

You have no idea, although you would if you paid the least bit of attention to what's going on around you, but tomorrow I am going to see a lawyer to draw up a separation agreement and figure out what it's gonna take to get you out.

See, you're gay.

I know you say you aren't. But a man who fucks other men is gay.

You would think someone as smart as you are would figure that out.


Confession #2330

The following is for my wife, I know that she checks your site -
I know you read this web site. I want you to know I read every entry, just in case one is from you. You are and have always been the most wonderful woman I have ever met, and not a day goes by without your beautiful smile on my mind. I read all the entries just in case there is something I could do to make your life more like a fairy tale.
I know I am not the perfect husband. I know you were offended by the things I did and the thoughts I had years ago, and still are to this day. I wish I had never said anything, never acted on any of it. Througout all of it, though, you have remained the same to me. Sharing my life with you has been the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.
Its true. Those thoughts of mine you found so offensive are still with me. I know how you feel about them, so I keep them to myself. But they have never left. Even with all the years of marriage between us, I look at you or imagine you, and my body responds. It has always seemed like I have no choice. The thought of you sharing any of that with another man makes me crazy. I don't know why I am that way. And I will forever keep those thoughts to myself from now on. But they are still there.

I apologize for ruining your friendship with him. I thought, because of the selfish way I had of thinking about only what I wanted, that he had those same kinds of thoughts. I would imagine you on top of him, satisfying yourself and him the way you do with us. The image of you like that blocked out any other rational thought that might have entered my mind. I know that neither you nor he were part of that or wanted to be part of that, that it was only part of me and the way I am.
I know there are times when we are together that you are reminded of it all. I see it in your face, and the way you withdraw from me. I am truly sorry, I wish I had never said anything, kept it to myself. I hope the years will dim your disappointment, or I will make up for it with the love I show you. I was blinded by my own desires. I know it seems odd to you that I can love you and respect you and then think of you that way, but that is the strangeness that is me. I will never mention or suggest such a thing again. Even though I still think of those things, I do not need them, and because of the way you feel, I no longer want them. All I need is for you to be happy.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

First!!!!!!!!!!!!

little miss fuck you said...

2329

He has figured it out, he is just afraid. What man wouldn't be with the attitudes much of society projects towards homosexuals? It is ok for you to want a divorce, but work towards realizing that you wanted one becasue of the way you are unable to deal with his sexuality.

sarah said...

2324

my ex used to be the same way with our daughter, unfortunately there were times that i was as well. After we kicked his ass out things got so much better, she does better in school now and i can actually help her without making it harder. Not telling you to leave him, just sharing my story.

jaqsonly said...

Responder to 2329, How is it her fault that she wants a divorce? She wants a husband with romantic and sexual love for HER, not someone else. That is what the bottom line is, no matter if he is gay or not, it has nothing to do with her comfort with his sexuality!

Anonymous said...

Dear 2322,
I hear you. I've been there. I spent the first 29 years of my life feeling ugly, overweight and useless. I never thought anyone would love me, and I dated guys who treated me like crap because that's what I thought I deserved.
Then I realized I didn't deserve that. That I was not a bad person, that being ugly or overweight were not a crime, that I had things to say and contribute to the world too. And that being alone and an "old maid" is not the worst thing in the world. What's worse is being with someone who treats you badly. That's the loneliest feeling ever, and when you're legally tied to someone, it just gets worse.
There's a Spanish saying: "Mejor sola que mal acompanada." "Better alone than badly accompanied." Please allow yourself to consider that not being with this man might make you happier. That you, too, deserve happiness. That you are not a bad person because you don't fit some mold of what a woman should be. That happiness can come from just you, not from someone else.
It's soooo hard to resist the message that unless you have a man, you are incomplete. As women, we're socked with it every day. The saddest example I came across was a friend's cousin. This woman is a cancer researcher, and has actually come up with therapies that are saving people today. And yet, her traditional family won't stop fussing about her getting married and having babies. That means that this woman, who, unlike many of us can actually say she is making a difference, still feels like a failure. Doesn't that suck?? Bottom line, it is possible to be alone but not lonely. And possible to be coupled and very lonely. You just have to like yourself a little bit to see the difference. Oh, and PS -- once I figured all that out, I met my now husband two years later. We have our ups and downs like any couple, but I never feel lonely with him. Never. Good luck to you.

little miss fuck you said...

3:13

I never said it was her fault, but relationships can work whether the man is bisexual or not. She doesn't give much info in her post, is he cheating on her? Does he have these affairs and she is aware of it, but just now decided to be uncomfortable with it?

It definitly is not her fault, but the world would be a better place if people sat back and thought about their own personal reasons for their decisions, not just blame someone else for the actions that they have decided to take.

Anonymous said...

2322
Please get out while you can. The longer you stay the more difficult to let him go. I have been there too. It's NOT WORTH IT. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!!! And you WILL find someone who will treat you with respect.

Anonymous said...

It is so odd to see my confession there.....

wow.

Anonymous said...

2327

Tears ran down my face as I read your confession. I truly hope your husband is always safe.

Anonymous said...

2328:

You need to get out. Now. I don't know how long you have been married, bu it will only escalate.

My ex-husband was like that. I whisked the eggs wrong. I stirred the spaghetti wrong as it was boiling. I signed my signature wrong. I SHAVED MY LEGS WRONG. Um, hell-o? 1)I'm a girl and 2) I've been doing this for, oh, 15 years with no problems?

It seems that there are some deep issues that your husband is struggling with, that probably having nothing to do with you. (in my case, it turns out that my ex is gay, but couldn't come out to his very religious family.) If your DH is anything like mine, he won't agree to a separation OR counseling. You should sit down with him one night and tell him that you love him with all of your heart, but that his words and actions cut you deeply. Tell him what you need and expect from this marriage. Nothing too confrontational, just what it is that YOU need to keep this marriage together. If, after a few more months, he can't live up to your expectations, then you need to go. Scary as it is, you WILL make it on your own. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

2328:

12:23 here...

Whoops, sorry - rushing off to bed and I wanted to clarify something.

My first reaction was "get out now." Then I thought about it and said to talk to him first. I didn't go back to look over my response before I posted - so sorry if I gave you two conflicting opinions in the same post.

Latin Chick said...

Just wanted to say great site! And what a great place to vent and get things off you chest! Keep it up!:o)

Larry said...

Confession 2322
I feel your pain and sorrow. I found out that nobody on this earth should ever feel the way you do. Due to the way others treat you. I don't even know you but I felt so said when I read your entry. Personally what I think is that you should dump him especially if he's making you feel the way you say He makes you feel.

You said he's you're fiancé please don't make the mistake so many others do by marring him. It's really not worth it. The marriage would fail anyway and why go through the punishment of being married to him takeing his crap when, right now you don't have to. You, said. you feel that there isn't anybody else out there that would have you because your a big woman.

Really it doesn't matter if your a big person and there is somebody out there just right for you. when the right person comes around and believe me He, will, then you'll see that true love loves you, for who you are big, small, short, tall, to the right person it don't matter. Don't let him treat you the way nobody deserves to be treated. Get rid of him, before it's too late by possibly having his children which means he'll be in your life for ever.

Anonymous said...

#2322

OMG, I could've written that EXACT confession, word for word. I'm in such disbelief right now that another peson feels the EXACT same way about their relationship.

Anonymous said...

2326:

My heart goes out to you and your family. I too had a husband that served, thank God he is back with me, but I went through it right after 9/11 and it was hell.

What your husband is doing is so important and so admirable and each and every American owes him thanks. And I do thank him. But what you are doing is very, very important. You are holding down the home front. You are doing everything alone, you are raising the kids, taking care of the house, taking care of the finances. These brave men and women that serve KNOW what our sacrifices are and they appriciate it. Only other wives of servicemen know what you're going though; civilians don't quite understand. I urge you to contact your Ombudsman and meet with the other wives. There you will find comfort.

My love goes out to you and your children and I thank you for serving, as well. I am very proud of you. Hang in there, sister.

Anonymous said...

To the husband in #2330:

Maybe you just like to watch your wife having sex, not necessarily with a different man. You could possibly videotape your wife and yourself having sex and watch that. Then you will be able to enjoy watching your wife pleasuring a man - who happens to you. A win-win situation...unless you really want your wife to be with another man.

Anonymous said...

#2328, Damn, girl, I hope he's good in bed. He needs to offer something to keep you around if he's that nasty to you the rest of the time.

Anonymous said...

2328:
A few years ago, I was in a relationship that felt very much like yours sounds. By the time I realized the amount of condescension and criticism I was putting up with, my self esteem was so low. And realizing the position I was in only made it worse. I kept thinking: I must not be as smart or independent as I thought I was because only a really wimpy person would allow herself to be spoken to in this way.

I was wrong about that. Lots of smart and independent people get themselves into bad places when they really love someone who isn't treating them well. I hope you're not blaming yourself too much.

And I hope you can find a way to break through to your man about his behavior--or to leave and find someone who appreciates how you operate. I found someone else, and now I know what it's like to be both loved AND treated well.

Best of luck to you.

fullmontyhard2see said...

12:35AM,
thanks for suggestion, but all of that is in the past.
And yes, that, and other things. Sometimes it is like an elephant in the room. A pregnant elephant.

The husband

Dawn~a~Bon said...

2322-

Please don't marry that guy. Ditch him, go get some counseling to figure out why it is that you don't feel like you deserve better, learn to love yourself FIRST and then go look for a relationship. Seriously. You can do so much better than THAT. Don't condemn yourself to misery, don't settle for the scraps he throws you.

tami said...

2322: I've been there, done that. I was engaged to a great guy. To this day, I couldn't say a bag thing about him. But he was not perfect for me. I did not love him. I stayed with him for 5 years thinking I would never find another person as great as him. I too thought it would be better not to be alone. I was wrong. I looked in the mirror and realized that I had wasted my late 20s being miserable.

You're only alive once. Live to your true potential. Take a deep breath and break it off. Spend time on YOU. Do something YOU want to do. Travel, take a class, learn a new hobby. Most importantly, learn to love yourself again! Don't look back! Only when you are happy with yourself should you bring someone else into your life. And when it does happen (and it will), you'll realize what a healthy, happy, loving relationship is REALLY like.

Every day I look around me and what do I see? Dozens, if not hundreds of unhappily married people. And every day I thank god that I am not one of them.

I am told quite often how brave I was for recognizing that my relationship wasn't right and how strong I was for breaking it off. I hear the envy in their voices.

Do it and BE FREE!

All the power to you...

Anonymous said...

2328 here...

He is good in bed, (11:57) haha...only saving grace I think sometimes. I know we need to work on it, thanks for the advice, and hearing about your experiences, my boyfriend (not husband yetm thank god!!) Is a know it all pain in the ass, but he is also a very smooth talker which makes things harder for me to remember why I am angry when it blows over. I do know though, if things do not change, then I do have to leave.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

2328, I would have a HUGE problem with the person who's supposed to love, honor, and cherish me calling me a fucking retard.

I'm just sayin'.

I hope he straightens himself out before it's too late.

Anonymous said...

Dear 2326:

My husband is In the armed forces as well.....I was literally shaking because I was crying so hard when i read your post. I have had many breif Goodbyes with my hubby and 1 6 month deployment, In about 10 months my husband will be heading for the middle east and IM SCARED TO DEATH!

May God bring you peace of mind and put a protective hand over your loved one as well as every other soldier of ours on the front lines!

All I can say is that it takes a VERY STRONG AND SPECIAL woman to love a military man! God Bless him and return him safely to you!

Anonymous said...

Found you blog via the BlogHer link on another blog.

Brilliant and very entertaining.

Hope my wife never discovers this blog!

Bunny said...

Confession #2323

Amen sister. It never gets better either.

Anonymous said...

2322

It's not what you look like, it's how you feel about yourself. If I knew how to create self-esteem, I'd sell you some, but your problem has nothing to do with what's actually in the mirror. Just what you see. PROMISE.

Larry said...

He's not sorry you asked Him to join the Military He loves his country and the freedom he enjoys, He's not sorry He's over there. So many women, children are dying, so in reality He's truly needed there. He loves it when He reads that you still love Him. He loves it when He reads you'll still be there and soon this God forsaken war will be over, Soon he'll be back from over there.



He wants you to kiss Amanda, Rebecca, for Him. He wants you to tell them it won't be long He'll be back where he truly longs to be. Yes with every heart beat He knows He loves you with every heart beat He can't wait until he's there with you. He, knows at night is when you, miss Him, because at night it's when He, misses you, too.

Anonymous said...

larry

there are many soldiers in the war who are NOT there due to their love of their country. There are some who are there out of duty, they enlisted and this is what enlisting sometimes entails. It is a farce to believe that every soldier in the war right now is happy to be there for their country. I agree with everything else you said

Larry said...

I stand corrected who ever you are.

Anonymous said...

2322 - It is far better to be alone than to be with a miserable bastard who treats you like crap. You are worth more than that. Every woman is worth more than that. Please don't marry him. Please.