I have spent countless hours taking care of your mother's health, advocating for her at the hospital and with doctors, persuading her to go to the ER when she's on the verge of heart failure, and making sure her prescriptions are filled. I consider this my filial duty as her daughter-in-law since you have no siblings and she trusts my judgment better than she does yours. But every time I bring her home repaired from the hospital, I have an anxiety attack as I realize anew that she's going to keep on living in our basement for years if not decades to come. I hate her so much. I wish for her to fall under the wheels of a bus every single day.
I am unhappy with you. I feel that you always choose your friends over me. I feel that you are always angry at me. We rarely have fun together anymore. Things used to be soooo much better. You never smile at me the way you used to. It's like being with me is a chore for you. Why do you think we've been engaged for 13 months and I haven't made any moves to plan our 'wedding?'
I don't think I want to marry you anymore. But I will go through with it. Why? Because I don't think I would ever find anyone else who would want to be with me. It astounds me that you're still with me. I totally don't get it. You are the first guy to love me. The only guy. When we met, I was in my late twenties, never had a boyfriend, never been intimate with anyone, overweight, ugly, unhappy....and then you came along. Things were great for the first few years, but now I am miserable. I guess I'd rather be miserable with you than miserable all alone. I know I will be a old maid if I walk away from this relationship.
So I'll go on doing what I do: working hard, taking care of our home, taking care of you. Letting you get away with treating me poorly and then crying when you're not around. Because every once in a while I get to see you smile, I hear you really laughing with me, feel you kiss me with meaning, enjoy some time spent together...and I'll use those moments to get me past all the other times when you're walking out the door or drinking your 10th beer, or complaining about me.
I don't know how you do it, but everytime I try to confront you, you turn it around and make it sound like I'm a nagging, hovering, bitch who has no life and wants you to have no life either. How the hell do you do that? You totally turn it around until I don't even know what to say anymore.
I hate you and I love you. I never thought I'd feel so torn. This sucks.
Honey, for the most part we get along pretty well. I can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else. Sure, you do things that annoy me from time to time, but nothing I can't get over.
I suggest you get over me cleaning the house. I just don't care if there is laundry to be done. I don't care if there are dishes in the sink. I don't care if the dust is thick on the coffee table. I don't care if my home office isn't as clean as you would keep yours.
You knew when you met me that I wasn't a neat freak. You lived with me for a year before we got married. You shouldn't be shocked four years in the marriage that my shoes still land where I take them off and the newspaper doesn't hit the recycle bin except on Sunday night when the garbage goes out.
If you want the house to be Martha Stewart clean I recommend that you do it yourself. Or hire Martha. Either way.
I recognize that you work hard - I do too. I know that our child is a challenge and can be unreasonable and difficult to manage - But when I come home from work to find you screaming - with a bloody nose from your blood pressure rising so much - and her in her room sobbing OVER NOTHING - I can not understand what is wrong with you. When you yell at her about homework, YOU DO NOT HELP. Yelling at her does not help her understand the problems OR ease her already sizeable anxiety about school. I know you were pissed off when we went to the student conferences ( which you refused to attend) and your child told her teacher that "Daddy makes her really nervous about homework". You were more angry when I responded "That sounds accurate" to the teacher.
SHE IS NOT YOU. School is not easy for her and you are making it a billion times more difficult.
Falling in love with you was beautiful. It was natural, organic, and simply amazing.
You were the kindest man I knew.
You did every little thing for me to make my life better.
You made me want to be a better person.
We fought about communication a little, but eventually got over that hurdle.
But now it's back.
And we're married.
And I can't take it anymore.
When we argue, I NEED to talk about it.
You don't want to talk.
I don't understand this.
How can we overcome a problem if we don't talk about it?
This isn't the first time.
But this is the last time.
I'm filing for a separation.
And you know what?
I DON'T want to talk about it, although I think you might since I'm getting the house
and the kids.
I'm sure you don't have all the time in the world to read the words I write to you. I'm sorry I asked you to join. You're over there, because I told you to join. The nights get lonely, and with every breath I wish to kiss you. With every shiver of cold air on my bare skin, I want to be held. With every heartbeat, I say I love you. I miss you. I see you everywhere. I find myself talking to you at night. I wish you could hear. But you can't. I keep it together during the day, but at night... at night is when I miss you the most. I'm sorry that we took the time we had together for granted. I 'm sorry that we would fight about stupid things. I love you more than words can say. I don't want to be your distraction. And I am sorry about the thing with Melissa. I really am. I didn't mean for it to get out of hand like that. I've been keeping the house (fairly) clean. I still have alot of work to do. I miss you something awful. I hope you and Walls can work something out. If you could, please tell him that I am sorry and it won't happen ever again unless I am directed to do so. I keep the front light on for you. I know its stupid, but you're not home, so I can't shut off the light. You know, I've never found myself to be a religious person. I see the only reason one should bother god is if its very important. So at night the girls and I talk to the god.
Please bless Amanda, and Rebecca ,and Mommy, and Daddy.
Please watch over Daddy and the soldiers that are far away
So we can see them all again some day, amen"
And that's it.
The clock keeps on ticking and I keep on thinking about you. Night after night, I look out to the stars wondering if you see the same ones I do. I want to sleep but my thoughts keep returning on how we were, before I held you so tight. Before I had to say good bye, before I saw those tail-lights. I love you and I miss you. I keep on trying and my eyes keep on closing, but I just can't sleep. The scent of your skin, even after two weeks, lingers in our sheets. I hold your pillow like I am trying to hold you, but you can only hold a pillow so tight all through the night. I guess tonight is a bad night, its the worst by far. How I wish there was no ocean, I'd drive to where you are. I'd look into your eyes and then I'd just smile, the I'd say "I told you the miles wouldn't keep me from loving you." Then I'd kiss you as I'd close my eyes and then when I'd open them again, you'll be gone. Because finally I would be able to fall asleep and I'd know that I don't just love you eveyday, but I love you with every beat of my heart, with every lonely tear on my cheek, every time I see the flag that you serve under so proud. When I hear the bugles played so loud, my heart swells with pride knowing that I am your wife. I'll be loving you for the rest of my life. So if I do sleep tonight, I know that I will dream of a time when 4 am was a time for me to love you when you were with me. You're really not gone, you're just away. I'm still beside you, and there I will stay. I'll love you and support you the best that I can, and believe me when I say I'll hold your hand. I'm still here infront of this blinding screen waiting to see your name to tell me that you are still here. Don't take this the wrong way, but the miles do hurt, but every minute brings me closer to you. So I'll go upstairs and lay by your side, and I'll close my eyes so all that I can see is you.
My Darling Husband,
I love you so much. And yet, I hate you at the same time. I can never work up the nerve to tell you this to your face, because of the fear that you won't listen. Well, actually, I know you won't listen to me. I completely love you sometimes, and I can't think of any one but you, but honestly? I get tired of you being selfish, I'm tired of you being mean to me, I'm tired of you being....you. I could never tell you this, and I've almost yelled it a few times "I WANT A DIVORCE!" and honestly, most of the time? I do. I want to pack up the kids, I want to pack up my things, and I want to leave and never come back. Ever.
You are selfish, you complain all. the. time, and I can't stand it. I get tired of your mom calling every other day wondering why she hasn't seen her grandkids, on her terms. There are things that I want to do, I want to get a degree from the school that I've had my heart set on, but since I am the "young one" in our relationship I don't get to make those decisions. Ask you to make a sacrifice? Pfft. Right.
I WANT A DIVORCE!!!!!!
You darling, have a serious problem. For some odd reason, you honestly, truly, believe that you are ALWAYS right. Always. Doesn't matter what we are talking about. You. Know. It. All. From the temperature outside, to who the next president is going to be, to how I should cook a pork chop...anything-i am surprised you don't tell me that i don't do my hair right, or my bra size is wrong. Now, if you did know everything, or were usually right, then fine. I would deal with it. But you are usually WRONG! But what really, really fucking irritates me, is that if i say something, annnnnnything that disagrees with what you say...before i have no more than 5 syllables out, you cut me off. Today, I told you I had an appointment that I had to go to. You wanted me to stay home to take care of something less important. I tried to tell you that I had to go...what did you do? Cut me off and loudly told me to "just call them! Get the number!!! See when they close! What is so hard? Are you retarded??" No, love of my life. No I am not retarded. I am irritated and I can feel my blood pressure sky rocketing with every word you say. So i turn around, get the number and call. Calling was irrelevant though, because I needed to make it to this appointment by a certain time, regardless of when the place closed. So I don't say a word to you just yet, I let you cool down (cool down from what, I don't know) The I casually tell you,
"Hey, I need to leave soon so-" --you cut me off here--
"Are you retarded??? What is so hard, why didn't you call like I said???"
This was where i reached my boiling point. I said....
"I DID CALL!! IT CLOSES AT NINE, butt--"
"OK IT CLOSES AT NINE?? SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM! JUST GO LATER!"
At this point i try to calm down, and say,
"it doesnt matter what time it closes because--"
"why are you so retarded??"
"WILL YOU LET ME TALK???"
"Yeah, go ahead...."
"I said that I did call, bu--"
"Then what is the problem if you called????"
"OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"fine i don't give a shit anyway, BYE!"
So I left the house and went to my appointment. 30 minutes later you call me. "did they come yet???" I tell you AGAIN....I am not home. I had to go out. You say "oh you went, why?" I might as well speak another language. You are so annoying that I feel like my body is going to explode. I can feel the blood rushing through it.
You tell me all i do is argue, and I always think I am right. How do you argue without speaking??? I don't understand. How do you know that I always think that I'm right, if i never get to tell you what I am thinking? I hate fighting, and arguing, and I hate yelling. But ill be damned if I'm gonna sit back, let you babble on, and cut me off, tell me that I'm wrong, and an idiot when you honestly do not know anything about the situation that you are talking about. Communication is a give and take. You talk, I talk. You listen, I listen. Its not rocket science. And having discussions, about anything doesnt include you calling me stupid!, or retard, or idiot. Do i do it to you? Do I try to demean you? Never. Because it fucking hurts to have someone that you love (despite all of this craziness) insult your intelligence to the point that you honestly believe that they think you are, actually, kind of stupid. I know that I am smart, and I have much better reasoning and communication skills than you. I don't know how else to say it. You need to relax when we disagree. It isn't the end of the world. Didnt you ever hear the corny saying from grade school...God gave you two ears and one mouth. So that you can listen more, and talk less. You need to listen to that, it isn't hard. 2nd graders learn it!
Oh, and the next time that we have a blowout fight and you call me and ask me to warm you up food for your lunch break..im not doing it, you can. I'm a fucking retard, remember??
You have no idea, although you would if you paid the least bit of attention to what's going on around you, but tomorrow I am going to see a lawyer to draw up a separation agreement and figure out what it's gonna take to get you out.
See, you're gay.
I know you say you aren't. But a man who fucks other men is gay.
You would think someone as smart as you are would figure that out.
The following is for my wife, I know that she checks your site -
I know you read this web site. I want you to know I read every entry, just in case one is from you. You are and have always been the most wonderful woman I have ever met, and not a day goes by without your beautiful smile on my mind. I read all the entries just in case there is something I could do to make your life more like a fairy tale.
I know I am not the perfect husband. I know you were offended by the things I did and the thoughts I had years ago, and still are to this day. I wish I had never said anything, never acted on any of it. Througout all of it, though, you have remained the same to me. Sharing my life with you has been the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.
Its true. Those thoughts of mine you found so offensive are still with me. I know how you feel about them, so I keep them to myself. But they have never left. Even with all the years of marriage between us, I look at you or imagine you, and my body responds. It has always seemed like I have no choice. The thought of you sharing any of that with another man makes me crazy. I don't know why I am that way. And I will forever keep those thoughts to myself from now on. But they are still there.
I apologize for ruining your friendship with him. I thought, because of the selfish way I had of thinking about only what I wanted, that he had those same kinds of thoughts. I would imagine you on top of him, satisfying yourself and him the way you do with us. The image of you like that blocked out any other rational thought that might have entered my mind. I know that neither you nor he were part of that or wanted to be part of that, that it was only part of me and the way I am.
I know there are times when we are together that you are reminded of it all. I see it in your face, and the way you withdraw from me. I am truly sorry, I wish I had never said anything, kept it to myself. I hope the years will dim your disappointment, or I will make up for it with the love I show you. I was blinded by my own desires. I know it seems odd to you that I can love you and respect you and then think of you that way, but that is the strangeness that is me. I will never mention or suggest such a thing again. Even though I still think of those things, I do not need them, and because of the way you feel, I no longer want them. All I need is for you to be happy.