From this day forward I refuse to be the doormat. I want to control my life again. I should be
the one that decides what happens in my life. Not the people I work with, not my friends, not
anyone in my life. From this day forward I put forth my own freedom. My strength. I make the
choices. I am the strong one. They tried to beat me down but I refuse to compromise anymore.
And I'm in love. And I will tell him and I won't be afraid. I know he loves me too. I know he's
afraid to tell me and I will take the lead and show him the love and compassion he
deserves...hell...that I deserve. We belong together and I want to start that life as soon as
I want my own life back. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. So to hell with all of you who
are trying to drag me down. You won't win. You won't beat me. You will be lost without me because
you didn't appreciate me and the work that I do. When you fail without me, when things fall
apart, that's when you'll see what a prize I am. And in no way is this me bragging...or my ego
talking. That's been bruised and beaten but it got up and said...I am the winner. I am me. And
you can never, ever, ever have that or take it away. And that's the power you chase and never can
Sweetie, I really love you. I would not have left my country three
years ago, and learned a new language to be with you.
Your family and friends, who have become my family and friends are
some of the best people I have met in my life.
Just a couple of things bother me.
Well, that is it really, I just thought about the other tiny things,
and really they are no big deal. But your mother. OMFG. I have met
loads of neurotic people in my life (I would recognize this by the
fact that I am neurotic myself. (but at least I am "polite" neurotic,
polite, southern New Orleans neurotic.)
I would never expect someone to wait 3 hours for me when I am running
late (on a freaking SATURDAY!, HELLO, precious free time!! And I know
you were excited about when we got the new place and it came with like
5 complete sets of keys, and when we were moving in you said something
like, "OHH, KEYS, and handing one to your Dad (and your
stepmom...incidently, LOVE her, she is NORMAL!) and to your MOTHER:
HELLO this is the woman who looked in on our pets when we were out of
town last year and RE_ARRANGED MY kitchen...MY kitchen! You gave her
a set of KEYS and we live only like 10KM from her. Were you taking
some kind of medication that gave you a temporary mind fart?
And the fact that when my friends were in town visiting us and the
FIRST time we are showing them our new place, your MOM was inside
(AGAIN IN MY KITCHEN) scrubbing the floor. (I know this could
potentially save us time and energy on cleaning, BUT this is OUR home,
we pay the rent, she can go clean her own place, and my floor was not
Honey, I think there may be something wrong with this picture. I know
you talked with her. And she has improved. I know she is suffering
from tremendous guilt for letting your father and stepmother raise you
while she went back to University. She gave you up at three (as a
full time parent). And I love your mother. But honestly, a lot of
the time, I don't like her. She is chaotic and incredibly self
centered and she is sick. She is in her mid 50s and wants to look
18. She clearly still has anorexic issues. (while she is not too
thin, her attitude toward food is boarderline. She is attracted to men
who are occupied with either girlfriends or wives. She has this need
to be seen as this "femme fatale" by EVERY man in the room. And it is
NOT healthy that she wants her son to think of her in this way.
I know you recognize this, and I am a very patient woman, but hey,
your mom needs professional help. I don't mind listening to her and
sharing some of my stories. But I know her type, she will try to use
this against me someday. I saw her ROLL her eyes at you ABOUT me that
one time. She is manipulative and has a kind of talent for making men
follow her. And she is NOT afraid to use it. As I said, I love her,
but I do NOT and never will trust this woman.
She needs to keep her distance (a resonable distance) and YOU need to
be the one to set the appropriate boundaries.
You invent all sorts of excuses to not have sex. You even pick fights to avoid having sex with me. How can I NOT get the message that you prefer to jack off when you avoid sex so much and yet, I find you jerking off? On a Saturday morning when I'm awake and downstairs?
Its not like I require alot of foreplay (you don't even try) and its not like it takes me a long time to reach the "big o." (what, a few minutes? 10 at most?) I'm pretty low maintenance sexually. When I caught you, I suggested that I'd slip in a video for our child and we'd lock the bedroom door and have some fun. You got pissy.
Most men jerk off because their wives don't want to have sex or are too tired. I've turned you down MAYBE 6 times in more than 10 years. I have even told you that if you want some lovin' in the middle of the night to wake me up. I'd be happy to service you. But no, I wake up to find you jerking off. In fact, I'm pretty sure you have more sex with your hand in one week than we have in one month.
And you know what really HURTS? When I'm with some girls and they start complaining about how their husbands want sex. I want to scream, "I'LL TRADE YOU!"
I try to look my best, stay in decent shape, and not "bitch at" you. You pretty much come and go as you please. I still attract some men's attention when I go out.
I just wish I could attract yours. I wish you'd find me sexually attractive.
Hell, I'd even trade sex for a few minutes of hugs and some kind words.
I have moved across the country for you. I have up-rooted my entire existence to be with you. Knowing how you are, but hoping you would change. Of course, I know you'll never really change but I do expect some things out of you. You went on a business trip this week, and you were broke. I lent you money because I felt bad. I don't want you to be uncomfortable around co-workers. So where do I end up finding out you wentin your'e spare time? A porn convention. A fucking porn convention. I do not care if it was next door, or in the next room. I don't care. I am so tired of hearing you say, 'Well i don't want to look stupid in front of my co-workers.' What about me? What about what I think? You are so concerned with how other men feel all of the time. Does it matter how I feel? How I view you? It's a big fucking deal if some man you barely know says 'you're gay' (your words, not mine) if you don't go to a strip club, or better yet porn convention. But if i tell you that i am so disappointed and disgusted and hurt by your actions, well that's ok. That was emergency money BTW...I dont think glossy 8x10's are an emergency. You tell me you didn't want to go, weren't there long....well you must think I'm a real moron. i saw what was in the bag that you so quickly snatched from me. Signed pictures from porn stars. Very classy to bring home. Now porn doesn't really bother me, but knowing that you are there, while I was calling you, panicking about a job interview, because again...I QUIT MINE TO MOVE AND BE WITH YOU!...and when i am BROKE because i gave you all of the money i had saved up because you are apparently sooooo in need of money...and what do you do with it?? YOU BUY LAME PICTURES OF NAKED WOMEN! And I am soooo embarrassed for you by what they say, really. Do you think its cool? This women probably think you are such a fucking idiot. A dollar sign, that's all you are. A big dumb dollar sign. They're the smart ones. A few flirty words and you assholes think they like you. Everything bad you do, I find out. I don't know why you think that you're slick. Youre a fucking joke. If you're career ever goes belly-up, get a job in the CIA. You be fucking fantastic, 007. And when I brought up the pictures today, you laughed..i said ok show me whets in there (Becuase you really think I don't know) and you tell me no no...then when you think i might go get the bag, you get mean. Im 'fucking psychotic'. Yeah Im psychotic because my boyfriend has cheated on me, lied to me, gotten phone calls he shouldn't, and I still find evidence that makes me wonder about you all the time...but I am psychotic to wonder and question you. Start being sweet to me, affectionate. Maybe if you acted like you gave a shit about me, then some naked pictures wouldn't bother me so much. I try to do it all. anything to make and keep you happy. I cook, I clean, I work full time, I baby you, and I always want sex.... more often then most women i know. 99% of the time you just sit back and enjoy. You never initiate it. EVER. I don't know if its my fault, or if spoiled you, but I cant remember the last time in 2 and a half years that you grabbed me and fucked me. Or even gave me a passionate kiss. It kills me. I know you say you aren't affectionate and never have been. But my god...you're killing me. I don't know what else to do. I love you so much but I feel like I'm going crazy. And I don't understand why you act so interested in other women (i.e porn stars, strippers, pretty women on tv, pretty women on the street-i dont care if you say you're joking or not) and I am nothing. I have men say things to me all the time...I know Im not ugly. And i know i am good to you. Please open you're eyes ans realize that you're pushing me away.
Im starting to hate you as much as I love you-and that's a lot.
I wasn't upset because you made us late on Saturday, I
was upset because every time I get you to go somewhere
or do something with me, I feel like you'd rather be
at home playing your stupid video game, especially
when you drag your feet and play up until the last
second when we need to leave, and then make us late by
doing all the things you should have been doing for
the previous half hour. I've been asking you for over
a year to play less-- not quit, just play LESS-- and
guarantee me some time with you each week, but every
time I've brought it up, you've dismissed me. I get
the sense that you avoid the issue because you're
embarrassed, because you recognize that playing a
video game 50+ hours a week is not normal or healthy,
but why aren't you willing to confront it or do
anything about it? When your wife tells you she's
jealous of a video game, SOMETHING IS WRONG.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm a
low-maintenance wife; I don't ask for much, and being
rebuffed when I DO ask for a little attention is
incredibly demoralizing. Don't you understand that I
want you to WANT to talk to me and spend time with me
the way you used to, besides just the cursory
attention you dole out when you want to get laid? I
feel like a whore lately, because when you're horny is
the only time you seem even remotely interested in me
anymore. I feel like I'm getting the bread crumbs and
the crusts instead of the full-meal deal I thought I
was signing up for. Lying in bed with me for twenty
minutes before we fall asleep doesn't count as
spending time with me. Neither does talking to me
about your game for three minutes when you come
downstairs to get another beer. I want us to be
friends again. Don't you miss me? I miss you so much.
You have made my world safe for me. You listen to my fears and you soothe me. I honestly believe that everything will be all right when we are together. Thanking you loving my battered soul.
We've broken up now and I AM very sad about it, but I know that it's for the best of both.
Our different schedules and your unwillingness to change yours has made both of us so lonely. I was always this puzzle piece fitting into your life, never would you do anything to fit into mine or combine the two. I was so lonely and so stressed out because of it, I felt so alone but I didn't want anyone besides you.
You have a fetish that broke my heart and made me fear that you were gay. I don't really believe that straight men would have a fetish for dressing in women's clothes and panties. The fake breasts that I found tipped it over the edge but we never spoke about it and I bottled it all up inside. I was always afraid that you would cheat on me one day with a man and I would be the one to end up with a disease, that is why I stopped having sex with you. Not because I didn't want you, but I was too scared and I don't think it would have been worth it.
The saddest part is that you are such a terrific man, you are wonderful and I still love you with all of my heart, but I am glad that I don't have to spend the rest of my life worrying and walking around on egg shells.
I hope that you'll find that person that makes you happy so you won't be alone but I'm just so happy that I'm finally single again.
I love you though, you are a wonderful man.
To my mother in Law:
I swear to God if you come into my home and criticize me about one more thing, I am going to lose my shit. Your asshole of a son tells me to blow it off and that's just how you are. But honestly? I already have one highly selfish, overly critical asshole in my life (that would be YOUR SON) I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT FROM YOU TOO!
I am SO SICK of you bitching about how I have too much sugar in the house only to have you make a beeline for our candy stash within the first 10 minutes of your visits. See, the thing of it is.... Most of the time, the candy is set out in a pretty dish. If anyone wants a piece, they can take one. It rarely gets eaten. In fact, a month ago, I threw out a bunch of easter and Halloween candy.
But before you come over, we hide the candy stash because you've made such a big deal out of the damn candy being out. But you always manage to sniff it out and find it. And you always manage to eat half the stash then bitch about how much sugar is in our house.
And while we're on the candy issue. I'm SO SICK OF YOU GIVING ME WEIGHT LOSS ADVICE. I'm not on a diet. I'm not asking for advice. My weight is fine. YOU are the one who's 40 pounds overweight. NOT me!
You know what might help you? You might want to turn off your tv. I've never seen a person watch so much tv. You can sit there for hours upon hours. And you only get up to go to the bathroom or get a bowl of low-fat ice cream or something else to eat. And of course after eating that bowl you get up to get another. And then you bitch about how you just blew your diet. And then you sit there another two hours watching more tv. And then you eat an entire meal AND THEN another bowl of fucking ice cream. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. Everytime I hear you bitch about how hard it is for you to lose weight, I want to slap you. I have thyroid disease. I only eat about 1,000 calories a day to MAINTAIN my freaking weight.
There are people who seriously do have a difficult time losing weight. And they have my sincere sympathy and compassion. Because I completely understand how difficult it is to lose weight.
And honestly? I don't give a shit what you or anyone else weighs. I just don't really want to hear you bitch incessantly about what I keep in the fridge and what YOU think I should keep in the fridge.
I don't know how you do it, but you always manage to be my rock, even if we both are in crisis. Thank you for supporting me so much these past 18 months. When I was hospitalized because our son was going to be born 12 weeks early, you weren't there. But since that night, through my week in hospital hoping he wouldn't come, through the 8 weeks he was in hospital and the times we weren't allowed to hold him or talk to him, when he came home with the apnea monitor screaming at us that he'd stopped breathing and I was at my wits end because the doctors wouldn't allow me to socialize for fear of him getting sick, you have been there as a rock. You make sure I know I matter and my contributions to our family matter even if they are no longer financial. You are a wonderful father and are thrilled to have time alone with our son so that I can have a break.
And yesterday, you helped me find closure. I spent the almost half of a year preparing. In the process, and even though it was my goal, we gave back to the hospital that gave us a living and thriving son. And you, despite being injured, jumped on the marathon course and ran the last 6 miles with me to offer me support. Then you let me run the last tenth of a mile to the finish by myself. Whether you know it or not, that was an awesome gift. Despite all your support and love, I have felt so much guilt because my body was weak and failed our son. Now, my body did something that required strength and endurance. While you were there supporting me, I ran it to the finish line myself. I didn't fail. I wasn't weak. That gives me so much hope for the future.
I don't know if you understand exactly how much that means to me but it was a great gift. Thank you, my love.
Another confession to my MIL
This past holiday season you spent the night at our house. Well... I know you were snooping through my office. I am STILL pissed about that.
I don't know what you were looking for. But I hope whatever you found quenched your curiosity. I know this isn't the first time you've nosed through my stuff. You've tried doing it on and off for years.
But the next time you spend the night, I'm going to put a sign on my computer telling you to get your nosy, fat ass out of my office. And let's see how you react to THAT.
OH and just so you know... I don't have any sex toys or porn in the house. Not that I'm against that stuff. Just that you're so freaking nosy, there's no way I'd chance having it in my house for you to find. And I KNOW that no matter how well I hid it, you'd find it.
Oh and you also want to know what I don't like. I don't like you coming over and saying things like, "Why are you acting so STUPID" to my son. He's your grandson. Its Christmas. He's a little boy who was so excited to see you. He was excited you were spending the night. Geez! You should be happy at least ONE person in your life was excited about your long-ass visit to our house.