Thursday, January 17, 2008

True Wife Confession 231 songs in my bossa nova collection

Confession #2301

From this day forward I refuse to be the doormat. I want to control my life again. I should be
the one that decides what happens in my life. Not the people I work with, not my friends, not
anyone in my life. From this day forward I put forth my own freedom. My strength. I make the
choices. I am the strong one. They tried to beat me down but I refuse to compromise anymore.
And I'm in love. And I will tell him and I won't be afraid. I know he loves me too. I know he's
afraid to tell me and I will take the lead and show him the love and compassion he
deserves...hell...that I deserve. We belong together and I want to start that life as soon as
possible.

I want my own life back. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. So to hell with all of you who
are trying to drag me down. You won't win. You won't beat me. You will be lost without me because
you didn't appreciate me and the work that I do. When you fail without me, when things fall
apart, that's when you'll see what a prize I am. And in no way is this me bragging...or my ego
talking. That's been bruised and beaten but it got up and said...I am the winner. I am me. And
you can never, ever, ever have that or take it away. And that's the power you chase and never can
have. Me.

Confession #2302

Sweetie, I really love you. I would not have left my country three
years ago, and learned a new language to be with you.

Your family and friends, who have become my family and friends are
some of the best people I have met in my life.

Just a couple of things bother me.

Your mother.

Well, that is it really, I just thought about the other tiny things,
and really they are no big deal. But your mother. OMFG. I have met
loads of neurotic people in my life (I would recognize this by the
fact that I am neurotic myself. (but at least I am "polite" neurotic,
polite, southern New Orleans neurotic.)

I would never expect someone to wait 3 hours for me when I am running
late (on a freaking SATURDAY!, HELLO, precious free time!! And I know
you were excited about when we got the new place and it came with like
5 complete sets of keys, and when we were moving in you said something
like, "OHH, KEYS, and handing one to your Dad (and your
stepmom...incidently, LOVE her, she is NORMAL!) and to your MOTHER:
HELLO this is the woman who looked in on our pets when we were out of
town last year and RE_ARRANGED MY kitchen...MY kitchen! You gave her
a set of KEYS and we live only like 10KM from her. Were you taking
some kind of medication that gave you a temporary mind fart?

And the fact that when my friends were in town visiting us and the
FIRST time we are showing them our new place, your MOM was inside
(AGAIN IN MY KITCHEN) scrubbing the floor. (I know this could
potentially save us time and energy on cleaning, BUT this is OUR home,
we pay the rent, she can go clean her own place, and my floor was not
dirty.)

Honey, I think there may be something wrong with this picture. I know
you talked with her. And she has improved. I know she is suffering
from tremendous guilt for letting your father and stepmother raise you
while she went back to University. She gave you up at three (as a
full time parent). And I love your mother. But honestly, a lot of
the time, I don't like her. She is chaotic and incredibly self
centered and she is sick. She is in her mid 50s and wants to look
18. She clearly still has anorexic issues. (while she is not too
thin, her attitude toward food is boarderline. She is attracted to men
who are occupied with either girlfriends or wives. She has this need
to be seen as this "femme fatale" by EVERY man in the room. And it is
NOT healthy that she wants her son to think of her in this way.

I know you recognize this, and I am a very patient woman, but hey,
your mom needs professional help. I don't mind listening to her and
sharing some of my stories. But I know her type, she will try to use
this against me someday. I saw her ROLL her eyes at you ABOUT me that
one time. She is manipulative and has a kind of talent for making men
follow her. And she is NOT afraid to use it. As I said, I love her,
but I do NOT and never will trust this woman.
She needs to keep her distance (a resonable distance) and YOU need to
be the one to set the appropriate boundaries.

Confession #2303

You invent all sorts of excuses to not have sex. You even pick fights to avoid having sex with me. How can I NOT get the message that you prefer to jack off when you avoid sex so much and yet, I find you jerking off? On a Saturday morning when I'm awake and downstairs?

Its not like I require alot of foreplay (you don't even try) and its not like it takes me a long time to reach the "big o." (what, a few minutes? 10 at most?) I'm pretty low maintenance sexually. When I caught you, I suggested that I'd slip in a video for our child and we'd lock the bedroom door and have some fun. You got pissy.

Most men jerk off because their wives don't want to have sex or are too tired. I've turned you down MAYBE 6 times in more than 10 years. I have even told you that if you want some lovin' in the middle of the night to wake me up. I'd be happy to service you. But no, I wake up to find you jerking off. In fact, I'm pretty sure you have more sex with your hand in one week than we have in one month.

And you know what really HURTS? When I'm with some girls and they start complaining about how their husbands want sex. I want to scream, "I'LL TRADE YOU!"

I try to look my best, stay in decent shape, and not "bitch at" you. You pretty much come and go as you please. I still attract some men's attention when I go out.

I just wish I could attract yours. I wish you'd find me sexually attractive.

Hell, I'd even trade sex for a few minutes of hugs and some kind words.

Confession #2304

I have moved across the country for you. I have up-rooted my entire existence to be with you. Knowing how you are, but hoping you would change. Of course, I know you'll never really change but I do expect some things out of you. You went on a business trip this week, and you were broke. I lent you money because I felt bad. I don't want you to be uncomfortable around co-workers. So where do I end up finding out you wentin your'e spare time? A porn convention. A fucking porn convention. I do not care if it was next door, or in the next room. I don't care. I am so tired of hearing you say, 'Well i don't want to look stupid in front of my co-workers.' What about me? What about what I think? You are so concerned with how other men feel all of the time. Does it matter how I feel? How I view you? It's a big fucking deal if some man you barely know says 'you're gay' (your words, not mine) if you don't go to a strip club, or better yet porn convention. But if i tell you that i am so disappointed and disgusted and hurt by your actions, well that's ok. That was emergency money BTW...I dont think glossy 8x10's are an emergency. You tell me you didn't want to go, weren't there long....well you must think I'm a real moron. i saw what was in the bag that you so quickly snatched from me. Signed pictures from porn stars. Very classy to bring home. Now porn doesn't really bother me, but knowing that you are there, while I was calling you, panicking about a job interview, because again...I QUIT MINE TO MOVE AND BE WITH YOU!...and when i am BROKE because i gave you all of the money i had saved up because you are apparently sooooo in need of money...and what do you do with it?? YOU BUY LAME PICTURES OF NAKED WOMEN! And I am soooo embarrassed for you by what they say, really. Do you think its cool? This women probably think you are such a fucking idiot. A dollar sign, that's all you are. A big dumb dollar sign. They're the smart ones. A few flirty words and you assholes think they like you. Everything bad you do, I find out. I don't know why you think that you're slick. Youre a fucking joke. If you're career ever goes belly-up, get a job in the CIA. You be fucking fantastic, 007. And when I brought up the pictures today, you laughed..i said ok show me whets in there (Becuase you really think I don't know) and you tell me no no...then when you think i might go get the bag, you get mean. Im 'fucking psychotic'. Yeah Im psychotic because my boyfriend has cheated on me, lied to me, gotten phone calls he shouldn't, and I still find evidence that makes me wonder about you all the time...but I am psychotic to wonder and question you. Start being sweet to me, affectionate. Maybe if you acted like you gave a shit about me, then some naked pictures wouldn't bother me so much. I try to do it all. anything to make and keep you happy. I cook, I clean, I work full time, I baby you, and I always want sex.... more often then most women i know. 99% of the time you just sit back and enjoy. You never initiate it. EVER. I don't know if its my fault, or if spoiled you, but I cant remember the last time in 2 and a half years that you grabbed me and fucked me. Or even gave me a passionate kiss. It kills me. I know you say you aren't affectionate and never have been. But my god...you're killing me. I don't know what else to do. I love you so much but I feel like I'm going crazy. And I don't understand why you act so interested in other women (i.e porn stars, strippers, pretty women on tv, pretty women on the street-i dont care if you say you're joking or not) and I am nothing. I have men say things to me all the time...I know Im not ugly. And i know i am good to you. Please open you're eyes ans realize that you're pushing me away.

Im starting to hate you as much as I love you-and that's a lot.

Confession #2305

I wasn't upset because you made us late on Saturday, I
was upset because every time I get you to go somewhere
or do something with me, I feel like you'd rather be
at home playing your stupid video game, especially
when you drag your feet and play up until the last
second when we need to leave, and then make us late by
doing all the things you should have been doing for
the previous half hour. I've been asking you for over
a year to play less-- not quit, just play LESS-- and
guarantee me some time with you each week, but every
time I've brought it up, you've dismissed me. I get
the sense that you avoid the issue because you're
embarrassed, because you recognize that playing a
video game 50+ hours a week is not normal or healthy,
but why aren't you willing to confront it or do
anything about it? When your wife tells you she's
jealous of a video game, SOMETHING IS WRONG.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm a
low-maintenance wife; I don't ask for much, and being
rebuffed when I DO ask for a little attention is
incredibly demoralizing. Don't you understand that I
want you to WANT to talk to me and spend time with me
the way you used to, besides just the cursory
attention you dole out when you want to get laid? I
feel like a whore lately, because when you're horny is
the only time you seem even remotely interested in me
anymore. I feel like I'm getting the bread crumbs and
the crusts instead of the full-meal deal I thought I
was signing up for. Lying in bed with me for twenty
minutes before we fall asleep doesn't count as
spending time with me. Neither does talking to me
about your game for three minutes when you come
downstairs to get another beer. I want us to be
friends again. Don't you miss me? I miss you so much.

Confession #2306

You have made my world safe for me. You listen to my fears and you soothe me. I honestly believe that everything will be all right when we are together. Thanking you loving my battered soul.

Confession #2307

We've broken up now and I AM very sad about it, but I know that it's for the best of both.

Our different schedules and your unwillingness to change yours has made both of us so lonely. I was always this puzzle piece fitting into your life, never would you do anything to fit into mine or combine the two. I was so lonely and so stressed out because of it, I felt so alone but I didn't want anyone besides you.

You have a fetish that broke my heart and made me fear that you were gay. I don't really believe that straight men would have a fetish for dressing in women's clothes and panties. The fake breasts that I found tipped it over the edge but we never spoke about it and I bottled it all up inside. I was always afraid that you would cheat on me one day with a man and I would be the one to end up with a disease, that is why I stopped having sex with you. Not because I didn't want you, but I was too scared and I don't think it would have been worth it.

The saddest part is that you are such a terrific man, you are wonderful and I still love you with all of my heart, but I am glad that I don't have to spend the rest of my life worrying and walking around on egg shells.

I hope that you'll find that person that makes you happy so you won't be alone but I'm just so happy that I'm finally single again.

I love you though, you are a wonderful man.

Confession #2308

To my mother in Law:
I swear to God if you come into my home and criticize me about one more thing, I am going to lose my shit. Your asshole of a son tells me to blow it off and that's just how you are. But honestly? I already have one highly selfish, overly critical asshole in my life (that would be YOUR SON) I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT FROM YOU TOO!

I am SO SICK of you bitching about how I have too much sugar in the house only to have you make a beeline for our candy stash within the first 10 minutes of your visits. See, the thing of it is.... Most of the time, the candy is set out in a pretty dish. If anyone wants a piece, they can take one. It rarely gets eaten. In fact, a month ago, I threw out a bunch of easter and Halloween candy.

But before you come over, we hide the candy stash because you've made such a big deal out of the damn candy being out. But you always manage to sniff it out and find it. And you always manage to eat half the stash then bitch about how much sugar is in our house.

And while we're on the candy issue. I'm SO SICK OF YOU GIVING ME WEIGHT LOSS ADVICE. I'm not on a diet. I'm not asking for advice. My weight is fine. YOU are the one who's 40 pounds overweight. NOT me!

You know what might help you? You might want to turn off your tv. I've never seen a person watch so much tv. You can sit there for hours upon hours. And you only get up to go to the bathroom or get a bowl of low-fat ice cream or something else to eat. And of course after eating that bowl you get up to get another. And then you bitch about how you just blew your diet. And then you sit there another two hours watching more tv. And then you eat an entire meal AND THEN another bowl of fucking ice cream. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. Everytime I hear you bitch about how hard it is for you to lose weight, I want to slap you. I have thyroid disease. I only eat about 1,000 calories a day to MAINTAIN my freaking weight.

There are people who seriously do have a difficult time losing weight. And they have my sincere sympathy and compassion. Because I completely understand how difficult it is to lose weight.

And honestly? I don't give a shit what you or anyone else weighs. I just don't really want to hear you bitch incessantly about what I keep in the fridge and what YOU think I should keep in the fridge.


Confession #2309

I don't know how you do it, but you always manage to be my rock, even if we both are in crisis. Thank you for supporting me so much these past 18 months. When I was hospitalized because our son was going to be born 12 weeks early, you weren't there. But since that night, through my week in hospital hoping he wouldn't come, through the 8 weeks he was in hospital and the times we weren't allowed to hold him or talk to him, when he came home with the apnea monitor screaming at us that he'd stopped breathing and I was at my wits end because the doctors wouldn't allow me to socialize for fear of him getting sick, you have been there as a rock. You make sure I know I matter and my contributions to our family matter even if they are no longer financial. You are a wonderful father and are thrilled to have time alone with our son so that I can have a break.

And yesterday, you helped me find closure. I spent the almost half of a year preparing. In the process, and even though it was my goal, we gave back to the hospital that gave us a living and thriving son. And you, despite being injured, jumped on the marathon course and ran the last 6 miles with me to offer me support. Then you let me run the last tenth of a mile to the finish by myself. Whether you know it or not, that was an awesome gift. Despite all your support and love, I have felt so much guilt because my body was weak and failed our son. Now, my body did something that required strength and endurance. While you were there supporting me, I ran it to the finish line myself. I didn't fail. I wasn't weak. That gives me so much hope for the future.

I don't know if you understand exactly how much that means to me but it was a great gift. Thank you, my love.


Confession #2310

Another confession to my MIL
This past holiday season you spent the night at our house. Well... I know you were snooping through my office. I am STILL pissed about that.

I don't know what you were looking for. But I hope whatever you found quenched your curiosity. I know this isn't the first time you've nosed through my stuff. You've tried doing it on and off for years.

But the next time you spend the night, I'm going to put a sign on my computer telling you to get your nosy, fat ass out of my office. And let's see how you react to THAT.

OH and just so you know... I don't have any sex toys or porn in the house. Not that I'm against that stuff. Just that you're so freaking nosy, there's no way I'd chance having it in my house for you to find. And I KNOW that no matter how well I hid it, you'd find it.

Oh and you also want to know what I don't like. I don't like you coming over and saying things like, "Why are you acting so STUPID" to my son. He's your grandson. Its Christmas. He's a little boy who was so excited to see you. He was excited you were spending the night. Geez! You should be happy at least ONE person in your life was excited about your long-ass visit to our house.

51 comments:

sarah said...

2308

depression or a myriad of other things can be causing her to act this way. Has anyone tried to talk to her and see if they can find what the underlying issue is? I know when I act that way about dieting, "watch tv, bitch about gaining weight, eat a lot of food, bitch about being fat, fill in the blanks, bitch about being fat," it generally signifies that I am feeling depressed or anxious about something. Maybe she just needs some help.

Anonymous said...

2307: Do you think you can have a very frank, no-holds barred conversation with him? If he's a great guy in every other way, this doesn't have to be the end. Ever hear of Eddie Izzard? Nothing gay about that man, he just fancies womens clothes. And you also have to consider that your guy may be gay. I'd have a talk with him and get to the truth of the matter.
Good luck to you.

IT Barman said...

#2305

Take the games controllers of the system every couple of days so you can spend time with him, it will break the cycle of him coming in and going straight on it and hopefully he'll realise how much you miss him and he misses you

Anonymous said...

2307

cross dressing does not equal gay all the time. I understand that you couldn't handle his cross dressing, but what a reason to throw away a wonderful man, you yourself said he was wonderful.

My husband is gay, he is also a wonderful man and I would never think to leave him simply becasue he likes other men as well as me. The difference I think is that i trust him, completely. I know he would not sleep with other men behind my back. Being gay is not synonymous with being a cheater. Maybe you need to think about why you don't trust him, instead of covering him with a blanket stereotype. Being gay also does not mean that he will bring home diseases, gay men know how to have safe sex as well.

Anonymous said...

10:15, That was great, I admire your open mind. Many happy years to you and your husband.

Anonymous said...

2307 - I do hope that whether the two of you stay in a realtionship or separate, that you are able to stay friends since you obviously carea lot about him and think highly of him.

If he does indeed have some things to sort out and admit to himself, he will need an understanding friend in his life that will still be there for him throughout it all.

sarah said...

2307

I think the only thing he has to "admit to himself" is that he enjoys dressing in womens clothing, and that it is ok. It doesn't make him a bad man, it makes him different. Difference is not always such a bad thing. I am glad that you are secure enough in yourself to stand up and do what is right for you, but don;t make him feel ashamed of what comes naturally to him. The worst thing to do is to tell someone that the person they are is shameful and wrong.

Anonymous said...

I think it was pretty clear that she loves him and thinks he's great, but she couldn't handle it, and they broke up. It doesn't mean he's wrong for enjoying that, but I also don't think it's necessarily a trivial thing for someone to handle.

Good for her for knowing herself and breaking it off before they married or brought kids into the picture. I just wish more people would pay attention to what they need in a relationship.

D said...

wow...in my time on TWC i've learned that just about every woman is low-maintenance and they all cook, clean, enjoy non-stop sex, rarely nag and let their men pretty much do anything they want. and they all only expect is just a teeny tiny little bit of consideration in return....

some of these posts are priceless...i won't even comment in this one.

Anonymous said...

All these mother-in-law posts make me glad that I've already explained the situation to my husband. Which is that either his mother is in the house, or I am. I'm not threatening. It's simply that my chances of happiness without him are small but extant. My chances of happiness with him *and* his mother are nil. If she comes in the front door then I go out the back.

Might be too harsh for some people but it is a non-negotiable for me. So far we've had a happy life.

Anonymous said...

To 2304
Well honestly i think you ARE psychotic if you stay with this jerk.. all the ranting you did about how horrible he treats you and then you say BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!..lol. man you are nuts. please god if u think he is going to change your NUTS!!!! leave the asshole

Anonymous said...

2309
You are a lucky woman. Your husband sounds incredible, and so do you.

Anonymous said...

D --

With all due respect... I know QUITE a few women who are low maintenance, like sex, keep the house running and let the guys come and go...

There are alot of women who are scared to break up their family so they just try to get along with their spouse as best they can. This means giving that spouse as much space as possible and no longer asking for what the woman needs. Is is healthy? No. But these women are trying their best.

THere is no such thing as the perfect man or woman, granted.

I think that Dawn let people post comments in an attempt to let the confessors know they aren't alone -- to offer a kind word or even a different perspective on the situation. I highly doubt she was hoping for toxic comments steeped in self-righeous judgement.

You have no idea where these women are coming from or what their lives are like. It is often easier to pass judgement than try to understand.

And really, if you feel so strongly, why do you post under an anon name? Why not post your real name. You strongly feel you are in the right, why not let everyone who reads this know exactly who this "right" person is?

I don't have a blog but I will post MY real name.

-- Liz Broker (MA)

D said...

liz,

i'll keep my name to myself. i'd like to contain the D-stalking to the online realm.

Anonymous said...

2304: Honey, he treats you this way because you let him. He is not a good guy. Barring abduction by aliens who zap him with a brain reverser, he will never be the guy you want him to be.

Look, he borrowed money - that he will probably never repay - from his broke girlfriend in order to ATTEND A PORN CONVENTION. Jackassery doesn't get much more obvious than that.

You can do better. Get on with your own life and out of his. He's way overdue to hook up with a stripper who will take him for everything he has. Let karma have its way with him, and go find someone else.

Anonymous said...

Dear #2307, that sucks. Hopefully you will both meet partners that are more compatible in future. You made the right decision to end it. Staying together would have made you both miserable.

Anonymous said...

Liz, I agree. I know a lot, if not most of my female friends that work, take care of the home and kids, cook, shop for the home and keep their appearance up. Strangly enough I can name 4 that complain that their husbands are the ones not wanting sex. These are all beautiful women, all interesting, funny and smart. Out of the 4 only one decided to look outside of her marriage for sex. And she will get no judgement from any of us. I think this just proves that women work 3 times as much as men do; both in and out of the relationship.

On the other issue you responded to: don't worry about it. He's an obviously very lonely man and I think this is the only place that he can get a little attention in his life. After reading that he has delusions of being stalked, I think it's best to pity him and not scorn him. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm feeling sorry for him. But we are trying as a community to ignore as much as possible.

D said...

ok...9:14 fired the first shot (as corny as she is).

who's next?

Anonymous said...

My MIL called me up EVERY DAY when I was pregnant to ask me what I weighed! And we lived abroad! So it was a long distance phone call! I wish there was some kind of a convention that all the wacko MIL's could go to, so that they could get together and abuse each other.

To the lady who refuses to be in the house with her MIL, I recently adopted this tactic as well. It's sad that anyone could be such a bully that they can drive you out of your own house.

Anonymous said...

2307: I wouldn't be able to handle that either and don't blame you for choosing to end the relationship. I hope you can find someone who is really right for you, instead of someone who is *almost* right.

Anonymous said...

It's funny - I adore my MIL. It's my mother who pulls that crap on me. And dealing with her is every bit as frustrating. Why does it have to be one or the other?? Gah, I swear that when my son marries, I will be the kind of MIL I have. And I will not be the snoopy mom from hell, either!

Anonymous said...

#2305:
Same here. I know exactly how you feel, I could have written that post myself. My husband and I are trying to work things out, now that he's realized exactly how badly I've been hurt by taking second-place to a video game for all this time. At least mine admits he has an addiction and sees how much damage it's done to his family.

omnia_vincit_amor said...

2303:

It sounds like the issues are deeper than what you're telling us.

It sounds like he wants to have sex; just not with you.

I'm sorry it's making you so unhappy... but it appears as though there are deeper-rooted issues. The relationship may not be working anymore.

You may want to ask him if he'd be willing to just cuddle sometime. Try to build the affection up slowly, like when you were first dating (I'd assume).

But from what you've posted, it may be deeper than just getting some cuddles and kisses anymore... he may simply not be interested in you, or your relationship with him anymore. I'd suggest you be prepared to deal with such a possibility, but work at making what you have work.

If he isn't willing to give, or work with you, then he's just not that into you, and you deserve much better.

Best of luck to both of you.

Anonymous said...

11:31 are you kidding? She called and asked you what you weigh????!! Unreal.

Anonymous said...

Most of the women I know are incredibly frustrated and enormously angry. As women, we are socialized to be kind and solicitous, polite at all costs, and with no outlet for this anger, we turn in on ourselves. Our anger manifests in myriad ways-- depression, tears, "bitchiness," passive-aggressive anonymous posts to websites like this one. We do our best to be properly "feminine" in the ways they told us mattered most, but we still find ourselves doing disproportionate amounts of the housework and childrearing, catering to husbands who started out as the partners of our dreams but gradually, insidiously, became just another voice in the chorus of "gimme-gimme-gimme" that we face every day of our lives. We feel unloved, unappreciated, and utterly, hopelessly stuck.

Websites like TWC give us an opportunity to vent. The community sponsored here, however tenuous, is a tremendous relief to many of us who lack the opportunity or ability to express in real life the thoughts and feelings that we share here. I don't doubt that some women, like me (#2305), avoid addressing these issues in their lives because they fear that if even a small amount of their anger were to escape, it would all come out in a rush like air out of a balloon, uncontrollably, and cause irreparable damage to their relationships.

I think this hidden, often unacknowleged, anger is what drives the huge response to commenters like d. I'm sure he thinks the vitriol aimed at him is excessive and unfounded, but he fails to appreciate the bigger picture: many of us say the things we do here because we can't say them anywhere else. We are surrounded by men (and mothers-in-law, and even other wives and mothers) who believe they know better, who scoff (as d does) at our anger and unmet emotional needs. To then come to a place like TWC, where we're supposed to be free to express those thoughts and feelings that are unwelcome and sometimes even harmful in our personal relationships, and find yet another man chuckling at us, doubting the authenticity of our confessions, questioning the veracity of our claims to be "low-maintenance" or to enjoy cooking and having sex, is completely infuriating. This confirms for us that there is nowhere we can go to escape the constant male scrutiny, no place of our own, as even a website called "True Wife Confessions" which has been created expressly for that purpose has been infiltrated by a man who spews toxic rhetoric and believes it is his "right" to comment on everything we say just because comments are open. We are exhorted to ignore him, to rise above, which after all is what a good little girl would do (and I mean no disrespect by this, Dawn, because I know that's not how you intended it to come across). In this way, commenters like d rob us of more than they can even imagine.

I could ignore d. We all could. The point is we shouldn't have to. We should have spaces of our own, and when we create those spaces, their boundaries and rules should be respected. d's "technical" adherence to the rules for commenting doesn't excuse his condescension or entitlement; this is supposed to be OUR venue, and he has changed it for the worse, shifting the focus, perhaps unintentionally but nevertheless consistently, to himself.

Anonymous said...

10:15

your married to a GAY man, that is so sick and wrong, I hope you never have any children.

Anonymous said...

10:08

No, I am married to a man who happens to be gay. His sexuality does NOT define who he is. Would you say that your heterosexuality and nothing else defines who you are? I didn't think so. I do not need to go into the qualities that make my husband a wonderful man and FATHER, suffice it to say that I have never had need to confess anything about him here. I read all of these ladies confessions and I am nothing but sad that they do not have the love that we do.

Dawn said...

10:05 - That was beautiful. Really.
You summed it up perfectly.

10:08 - Sexual orientation does not make or break the quality of someone as a life partner. I have many close friends who have fathers who are gay - but chose - with knowledge of their wife - to marry and have a "traditional" family. They never pretended to not be gay. I worry far more for men ( or women)who live in the closet about who they are.

And where has Dawn been? Tired. Dawn is Tired. I am writing my comp questions for my PhD and TA'ing two classes and ..and....and...

It is hard to ignore comments which make you angry. And as 10:08 said - it is the intentional provocative nature of commentary which is what incites us. Being called a sloppy obnoxious drunk certainly provoked me to start deleting comments. Further comments that I would come to my senses and apologize to one man once I sobered up had me delete a few more.

I can only reiterate that the people confessing here are not looking for ADVICE per se ( with the exception of Saturday SexChat). I am guessing that they, like myself, can find all sorts of advice close at hand.

When advice is Given in a manner which implies that the giver of that advice Knows best - It is, intrinsically, paternal - or colonial. I use this term in a very feminist or post modern theory way.

They can be no real dialog until the authenticity of the experience is accepted - without conditions.

When I see a commenter come and attempt to colonize TWC, I too have similar reactions. Anger, irritation, exasperation - I am not being listened to! I am not being heard! My words are being twisted - my intentions perverted!

However, separatist movements never work ( and I speak as someone living in Quebec, for pete's sake).

My best advice? We do what women have done for millennium - We work around the colonizing force. We dis empower it until it has no significant influence. We are far stronger than one voice.

D said...

"I am not being listened to! I am not being heard! My words are being twisted - my intentions perverted!"

dawn, i feel the same way.

Anonymous said...

*Gives 10:05 a thunderous round of applause*
Beautifully said!!! Brava!!!

Anonymous said...

10:05 and Dawn: Perfect. Thank you from someone who feels precisley what you both have stated so elequently.

Anonymous said...

10:05

"catering to husbands who started out as the partners of our dreams but gradually, insidiously, became just another voice in the chorus of "gimme-gimme-gimme" that we face every day of our lives. We feel unloved, unappreciated, and utterly, hopelessly stuck."

Oh. My. God. You just said it. You said exactly what is happening to me. I can feel tears coming up, the "YES" is so strong.

I don't know what I'll do about this. There might be nothing to do about it; part of being human is leading a life of quiet desperation, at least sometimes. I know that men feel like workhorses and wallets a lot of the time. But having you describe it in my terms, what I face every day, has made me go YES. I can't get past the YES right now. I'm just ... almost in tears.

Thank you.

D said...

wow. i guess it's hard being a woman, huh?

imagine the work in dating one.

Anonymous said...

2305, does your husband have a job? Or is he the houseperson in your relationship? You said that he spent 50+ hours a week on his video games. If he's working outside the home, where does the video time come from?

I'm not asking this preparatory to an attack; I'm just trying to figure out if the family finances are in danger from his gaming, as well as the family cohesiveness.

Anonymous said...

... I'm sorry, 2305, I just re-read the last paragraph in the previous comment and it makes no sense. What I should have said was "I'm just trying to figure out if his gaming is endangering the family finances as well as the family's cohesiveness."

... need ... coffee ...

Anonymous said...

3:25, 2305 here.

My husband has a job, but his hours are flexible and he's pretty high up on the org chart so he doesn't really answer to anybody. His schedule works like this: he gets up around 8, gets all ready to go to work, plays his game for an hour or so, rolls into work around 10. He leaves work at 5:00 pm, rushes home, and plays from 5:30 until 10:30 at the very earliest-- often longer. That's a bare minimum of six hours a day on weekdays, and then on the weekends he plays 10-12 hours each day. I would say 50 hours is a conservative estimate of the time he spends playing at home, and he spends a great deal of his time at work hiding out in his office playing.

I am a full-time grad student and I work part-time, and I do all the cooking and housekeeping and taking care of the pets (we don't have kids yet, thank goodness, but our dog has a chronic illness that makes him high-maintenance as far as dogs go).

In short, we are financially secure because of the money HE makes, though he does very little actual work to make it, and I often feel like I have to do all the housekeeping to make up for my meager paychecks. I do much more *work* than he does, but he makes much more money. Of course, as every married person knows, money complicates everything and adds an extra kink to the dynamic of our relationship. It certainly has played a role in my allowing things to erode as far as they have. Things have gotten so twisted around that he looks at me like I'M being unreasonable when I suggest that he ought to cut back on his video gaming hours.

I don't even know which angle to tackle it from anymore.

Anonymous said...

What kind of game is, if you don't mind? My daughter has some male friends that play World of Warcraft, or something like that and it costs money to play. It's an online game, and if it's this one your losing money, to add insult to injury. I wish I had some good advise for you, but I don't. I'd say get a hobbie that takes the same amount of time as his does, but it doesn't sound like you have that kind of time to waste.

Anonymous said...

Wow. 50 hours a week playing, including every morning and evening, and that's only as far as you know? That sounds to me less like a pastime and more like an addiction. I believe compulsive gaming -- like gambling, etc. -- qualifies. Is there anyone in your circle, say parents, friends, who have noticed this? Would they help you talk to him? Stage an intervention of sorts? Even if he functions well otherwise (he eats, goes to work, sleeps, keeps up his appearance, keeps track of bills, etc., right?) this is having an effect on your relationship. How does this affect his social life otherwise? Does he play instead of get together with friends? Does he ever exercise? Do you two ever leave the house and do stuff together?
Have you done any research on this topic? You might want to do some, if not, and see if he qualifies as an addict. If he does, you at least have some ammo. Best of luck -- I grew up with alcoholics who just got out of denial last week. So we'll see...

Anonymous said...

Hi 2305. 3:25 here.

You know what it sounds like? It sounds like you're a Louisa May Alcott wife: you're suggesting, and soldiering on, and folding your lips shut on the angry words, and damn if I can't see you in a ragged bolero jacket with bedraggled fluffs on the wrists, and a little hat tilted onto your forehead.

Now, don't get me wrong. Doing as Marmee told Jo to do -- fold my lips on the angry words, and be kind -- was one of the things that helped me grow up and stop kicking my younger sister around (in charge of whom I should not have been left at such a young age).

However. My being in charge of a toddler when I was too young to behave like a human being myself was wrong; so is your situation. Both situations mean that someone is having to stuff down very natural feelings and behave in a way that is exhausting.

What you describe is also a relationship death spiral. You're doing drudge work and he's bringing in the paycheck, and the work doesn't seen equivalent, and to try to balance out something that will never ever get balanced, you crucify yourself daily. Daily crucifixion keeps the household working, but how long before you lose your mind?

I know that if I were to stop working outside the home, I would start thinking and doing exactly what you're thinking and doing, despite pounding myself on the head like Dobby and shrieking at myself to stop it. I don't think we're Stepford wives or traitors to our sex or, conversely, doing what Jesus wants us to do. I think that we both love our husbands very very much and we want to do everything possible to make them happy. It's hurting you. It's hurting me too (I was the one who said YES up there), but your situation sounds like it's much closer to the edge.

What might happen some day is that someone tells him "Quit slacking," and then his video habit will force him to choose between it and a productive life. However, I say "might," because you and I both know about how some higher-ups can coast and it's okay. It might be that life never calls him on his behavior.

And if life did call him on his behavior, that would mightily suck for you, because then everything would blow up in your face and you wouldn't have been able to control the timing.

You can see where I'm going, can't you? I think that if nothing changes, your relationship will come.Apart.Badly. And I think the only thing that you CAN change is whether the relationship comes apart.

You might have to say "Look, I can't live like this" and just ... go. Not as a "videos or me" move, because that can sound like an ultimatum, and ultimatums frequently degenerate into powerplays, but as a real "I can't live like this" move, that will, if necessary, become a separation.

I suggest this because I don't see it changing any other way. If talking hasn't worked, and if this has been going on for over a year, then it seems like the only change you can make voluntarily is where you live.

As you said, you're afraid you'll let it all out at once like a balloon popping. You're afraid none of the potential targets will be whole after you're done with them. I ... have to agree with you on that one. I would sure be smashing things, literally or figuratively, in your situation.

And it seems to me like you're at the end of your rope, and you've tried everything else, and if it doesn't work, then what? The anger grows, and it turns in on you or out on him, and the result is you're separated anyway, through suicide or domestic violence or just a divorce that was full of a lot more screaming than it had to be.

I know that "leave" is not easy. God knows I stayed in an abusive relationship for years longer than I should have. I'm just thinking that you might not have any other choices except staying, and if you stay, your relationship will shatter anyway. At least if you say "I can't live like this" and walk out, you will be giving yourself a new household on your own terms, and you won't hate him too much to reconcile if that's what he wants.

God, I know it's easy to say and just freaking impossible to do.

Anonymous said...

Or what 5:29 pm said. Yeah. What I said up there could have boiled down to that.

Anonymous said...

Darn it, 2305, this is 3:25 again. Now I'm thinking I was hasty. Please remember that of course we wouldn't know each other if we ran into each other with our cars :-P and my response to you is of course affected by my own colorful history.

How have you tried talking to him? Have you suggested gently, as I said above? Have you said "This is what your behavior is costing me and our partnership is dissolving and how do we fix this"? Have you thought of printing out your confession and handing it to him -- trite as that sounds?

Because I was assuming you'd done all those things. You might not have; you might be so flamingly angry at him that you're afraid if you move a toe you'll bring the whole house down around you both.

In that case, getting un-angry would help. Can you take some of that money he makes and just go on a trip by yourself? Away? And board the dog -- don't trust your husband to take care of the poor guy.

When you have had a few days or a few weeks of not feeling like a dust rag, then maybe you can talk to him about what's wrong without blowing up?

Anonymous said...

"Things have gotten so twisted around that he looks at me like I'M being unreasonable when I suggest that he ought to cut back on his video gaming hours."

Exactly! Isn't this messed up? I feel guilty for asking my husband to be a part of his own family. I'm the nagging harpy trying to take away from him the thing that matters most. I didn't sign up to be the housekeeper and child-rearer while he plays online pretending he isn't really here.

There's a website I found once, I don't have it saved but it's a community for people living with game-addicted spouses, you can google WoW addiction (it has forums for other online games too) and you should be able to find it. There are a whole lot of people in this position, and it sucks.

Anonymous said...

2305-

If you ever find anything that works, let me know. I could have written that WORD FOR WORD. We've got a schedule now, as sick as it sounds. Mondays and Thursdays are mine and there are no games... NONE. It's not allowed. The television stays off and the computer gets shut down and he's simply not allowed. The sad part is that I still feel like he'd rather be doing that than spending the time with me, but at least I'm guaranteed time and don't feel like I'm begging for affection.

Playing second fiddle to a video game is one of the most demeaning experiences in my life. And as much as I know he loves me and appreciates me, I can't help but feel so insignificant when something so mindless and pathetic takes precedence 80% of the time...

Right there with you, entirely.

~D.D. said...

Confession #2305
I was wondering if you've ever thought about giving the game a chance and playing it yourself. I actually am a female gamer and I probably play 20-50 hours a week. I know your situation is different but sometimes you will find that by giving the game a chance you will enjoy it and it could be a means of spending time with your significant other, I'm not suggesting that it would be a perfect solution but at least then you might not feel like he is unhappy when you are spending time with him but instead pleased to be able to introduce you to something he has a passion for?

Globus said...

this is good shit. globus sacrificed the playstation 2 for more time with the missus and has never looked back (he can't find where she hid the console). having a wife is like having a bank account. you need to invest in it constantly and it always goes overdrawn when you least expect it. contacting the wife is like contacting the bank; globus has to constantly call up, wait for ages for a chance to speak, then grovel. globus loves these cusp-of-life blogs. keep smiling :-)

Anonymous said...

Smeigle loves his precious.

Anonymous said...

2305 here yet again. I don't know if anyone is still reading this, but in case you were looking for an update: I talked to my husband on Friday. The conversation started out bad despite my attempts to be non-threatening and neutral in my phrasing; he flew off the handle and stormed out of the house, then came back ten minutes later slightly calmer and prepared to listen to me. I cried through the whole thing, which made me feel like an asshole, but he did seem to understand and acknowledge that my complaints were valid. He told me he would "try" to play less, and then Saturday he took me to dinner and a movie. It seems promising, but considering we've had this exact conversation at least twice before (which both times resulted in a week, maximum, of increased attention before he went back to doing what he was doing), I am remaining skeptical.

11:38 pm-- we started out playing the game together casually. I still play casually (around 14 hours a week, I'd guess, which probably doesn't sound so casual to most non-gamers). When he first started becoming "hardcore" 2 years ago, I attempted to ramp up my playtime with him, but I couldn't deal with sitting in front of my computer for so long, and I told him so. He kept promising that once he achieved some specific milestone, he would cut back, but a new goal would materialize every time he was about to achieve the previous one. Then he joined a hardcore raiding guild and made himself indispensible to them, so now he feels obligated to log in and help his in-game friends. It has been a great source of conflict between us that he frequently puts these online gaming friends above me in terms of his priorities. There is nothing more disheartening than being shushed so your husband can listen to voice chat in his headset, or hearing that he can no longer take care of dinner on the 2 nights you work late because his guild changed their raid schedule. He never seems to consider saying no to THEM; I have rarely heard him say, "I'm sorry, I can't do this because it conflicts with real-life commitments," he just tells them that he will clear his schedule and make himself available. I no longer even ASK him to stop anything game-related in favor of doing something with me, because I already know what the answer will be. On the rare occasions I've asked, he's gaped at me and said incredulously, "You want me to just blow them off?"

So, to make an unnecessarily-long answer even longer, YES, I have tried playing with him, and it doesn't help.

Anonymous said...

Hi 2305. It's 3:25. I'm glad you updated.

Your husband gets angry when you challenge his behavior. Then he makes promises about cutting down and doesn't keep the promises. That sounds like an alcoholic.

Your husband spends more time with someone else than with you, privileges them over you ("You want me to just blow them off?" The answer is "Yes," firmly), and has been doing this for a year. You've complained but he continues to do it. That sounds like someone who's checked out of the marriage.

You are not an asshole for crying. I would be in tears too. But you will be an enabler and a martyr if you continue to do what you're doing. You keep the house clean, feed him, make sure everything goes smoothly, and leave him free to play his games. Why in the world would he stop?

Clearly the situation will not change if you keep doing what you're doing (talking to him but continuing to behave the same). You must change the circumstances.

My suggestion is to get a part-time job to save up some money. Let the house become horrible. Grab food for yourself but don't worry about feeding him. If he doesn't notice, that will confirm that you are doing the right thing. If he does notice, then you can have a come-to-Jesus talk.

In any case, with your job, get first-last-and-deposit (three to four months' rent). Then if necessary you have some money to escape with.

If you are afraid that he will throw you out if you don't keep the household going, then let him. Right now you have a more-than-full-time job that pays you nothing and sucks your soul. You can get a 40-hour-a-week job that will pay you more and kill you less.

I tell you, what you describe is not a marriage. It is a shell. Do not fill it any longer at your own cost. You will lose your mind and your spirit if you do, and you will have contributed to your own misery. You're the only one who can stop this. STOP IT.

Anonymous said...

Wait, 2305, I just re-read your comments. You already *have* a part-time job. Then you're halfway there.

If your husband pays the bills, he might wonder where your extra money is going. But I bet you handle the finances, so you can take some of the cash you would have spent on yourself and save it for yourself.

No, I'm not saying to drain the bank accounts. I'm saying that you need an alternative so that you can talk to him from a position of strength. You need a room of one's own. Cash will help you get one.

Anonymous said...

"or hearing that he can no longer take care of dinner on the 2 nights you work late because his guild changed their raid schedule."

Do people really talk like this? Unbelievable. I don't have the answer or any unsolicited advice, I just know that the entire situation is seriously messed up. That is not life--and yet it is your real day-to-day life. Very, very sad. I wish you the best in making improvements.

i think I was number ..02 confession said...

thanks for the support, i wrote this a few weeks back, my confession and well, my mom-in-law and i understand each other now.

Umm, d, dude you are annoying. I am just glad you didn't say anything about mine.

I really think we should just ignore him, pretend he isn't even in the room. A few times he made sense, but clearly he needs attention or he would not be here so often. I take breaks between checking in here, and low and behold, he seems to be always here.

ANYWAY, DAWN (the REAL D), thanks for this site. You rock..and I am sure to leave more confessions, because you know, you are right, it is GOOD for the soul. I think this makes you actually address the ISSUE you confess...It worked for me. I had a LONG talk with my M-I-L and we understand each other now. And now I like her and love her. COOL HUH?

Thanks to the comments above (not you, d) and I am glad this place is here.