I love you.. God knows i love you... And i know that you love me too.. with all your heart of course you do.. But dammit would it kill you to take the initiative once in a while.. Would it kill you to ask me out once in awhile instead of me asking you out. Would you burn in hell to surprise me with romantic dates once a blue moon. What the hell is wrong with you...??? Is that huge brains of yours all dried up when it comes to thinking about how you can make me happy... How much hints do you need.... I've even resorted to telling you that i want surprises, romantic dates.. Something you put your heart and mind to plan and execute.. But time and again... NOTHING HAPPENS... seriously.. if you want me this marriage to work.. Get your damn socks pulled up and do some work dammit....
loving you always,
I've always been one to just read what everybody
else writes. And I've felt blessed, knowing I wouldn't need to write a
confession. That is, until about a month ago. We usually go and hang out with
our really good friends every weekend and stay pretty late. And I loved finally
having a couple to hang out with. That one night, everybody was tired and
left. I thought I was fine because we were just talking. And we were, until he
decided to confess all this shit about him having feelings for me and about
how he was afraid he would do something about it. I have to admit that I was
attracted to him, because there are going to be people outside your marriage
that you have chemistry with. We didn't do anything. I told him I wouldn't
because you are my heart and there is no way in hell I would do anything to hurt
you or jeopardize what we have. But hell, that was the closest anything has
come to coming between us, and it scared me shitless. I'm sorry I put myself in
that position and I'll never do that again, regardless of how innocent something
seems. It still hurts that we pretty much lost their friendship. His wife was
the only one I have to talk to out here, and now I feel like I lost a best
friend. Two actually, because I did value both of their friendships. But, we
still have each other and the kids
I love you with all my heart.
I know this is not your fault. But I still want to throttle you. We've been seperated 7 months and you still some how manage to cause me grief. Our friend gave me and our little girl his cat because he was moving somewhere he couldn't have her. My understanding was she was now my daughter's cat. But the day he dropped her off you apparently talked to him and told him I was only going to keep the cat until my friend could take her back, you don't even live with me. My friend did not confirm this with me, that's his fault I know but why you opened your mouth about something you weren't even involved with kills me. So here it is 5 months later and our little girl loves that cat to pieces, and my friend just called to say he wants the cat back and you said it was only temporary. At this moment I think you're both idiots and I'm trying to determine whether to tell him to go get a new cat or give the cat back. This is a conversation I do not want to have with a 3 year old.
I worked my way through college, and met you halfway through. I let you move into my home, and then a year later let your children move into my home, although we didn't have nearly enough room. When you car died, I agreed to let you use my SUV for a few months until you could get another car. When your business's lease was up and you wanted to move your mail-order business into my garage, I let you - after all, you said you were doing it so that you could help out with bills at home, and so that you could watch the kids while I was working full time after I graduated with my degree. You agreed that with me making the lion's share of the money and paying all the bills in this house (including providing a cell phone for you, plus electricity, phone, and internet for your business), you should pick up some of the housework and help with the kids, as well as pitch in a little each month toward the bills.
Well, It's been more than 2 years now. You are still driving my SUV everywhere, leaving me without a vehicle. When I leave work, I come home to a messy house and dirty dishes strewn all over the place. The kids are still up, even though it's the middle of the night and they have to get up in 5 hours for school. The laundry that you chose as your "job" to take over is always laying in heaps everywhere and the kids and I are sick of digging through baskets only to find that whatever it was we wanted to wear is dirty. You spend most of your time on the phone with your buddies or on the internet posting in forums. I'm still paying all the bills, and now I'm also paying for groceries too, even though that was supposed to be your area. You let the kids run wild and provide minimal supervision. You say you're going to handle it when I bring up something that needs to be done, but you never do. You go for days without shaving and wear the same stupid pair of pants every day, even though I still put on makeup and do my hair every day to look good for you. The sex is good - when we have any! Once every few weeks may be okay for you but I need more. And when your daughter graduates this spring, you are in for a surprise if you think she is going to continue living here rent-free - I'm not going to continue supporting your kid for you once she is out of school.
And guess what? I'm not going to support your ass much longer either. You may not know it, but I have a future date in mind and if you don't shape up somewhat by then, you're outta here. No matter how much I love you - and I do love you - I can't do this anymore. I don't want my kids thinking this is what a relationship is supposed to be like. You have no idea how much it hurts when I stop talking in the middle of a sentence and you don't even notice, because you weren't listening anyhow. Or when you lie to me - yes, I have caught you in more than one, and after the first time I called you on it and you continued to look me right in the eye and lie, something just broke inside of me. Oh, and I know about your little internet friend too. I'm tired of having a roommate instead of a committed partner, lover, and friend. I want someone I can trust and depend on, someone who will love me as much as I love them. So, my darling, I will try to talk to you one more time this coming weekend about all your pathetic bullshit - one last chance to clean up your act. And then if things continue on as they have, I will kick your butt out and find someone who treats me as well as I treat them.
Finally Wising Up
I want you to be happy again. I no longer want to be sad. I wish the answer was simple but it's not because I still love you with all my heart.
In my mind, I knew that we were most likely going to be each other's one night stand. But that one night with you was pure heaven. I figured I'd be quite happy being friends-with-benefits and looked forward to hanging out with you again.
It's been weeks since that night and I can't stop thinking about you. I've sent a couple messages which I know you've read but you haven't answered. I've checked your Myspace profile daily to see if you've logged on or added anything new. I was really surprised to see an update today: "Status: Engaged".
Why are you so wonderful?
I honestly do not know how I got so incredibly lucky. You are the most
thoughtful, kind, considerate person I have ever been with. You
remember every little detail of every conversation we have, which
means that, for once in my life, someone actually cares enough to
listen. Everything about you is just perfect. Everything about US is
Thank you so much for coming into my life. I love you.
There have been three great loves in my life. You are not one of them, though you're a better husband to me than any of them would have been. I am seeing one of them this week - for a couple of hours in a public place with no intention of nor prospect for hanky-panky - and I am not going to tell you.
There will be no sex as long as there is no honesty. I have been waiting for over two decades for you to get this message. I am sick of waiting. Are you dead? Wake up asshole? You are wrecking both our lives!
I'm sorry that I'm bitchy. How dare I be affected by hormones and, you know, life?
I'm sorry that I don't add any income so that you can not work all the fucking time.
I'm sorry that I "allow" myself to be sick. How dare I?
I'm sorry that I don't do a better job keeping our family clean, happy, fed, educated and healthy.
I'm sorry that I can't tell these things to your face.
I'm sorry for the faces that I make. (I can't help it. I can't)
I'm sorry for the envy I feel toward you and your freedom.
I'm sorry for not spending enough time trying.
I'm sorry that I'm not enough.
I'm sorry that I'm too much.
I'm sorry that I'm not just right.
I'm sorry that I can't get it together.
I'm sorry for complaining.
I'm sorry that I'm not a better wife and mother.
I'm sorry for not fixing myself.
I'm sorry I'm such a sarcastic shit.
I'm sorry for not being better in bed.
I'm sorry for the way I look and that I'm not blonde... like the woman your nasty ass mother wanted you to marry.
I'm sorry I'm not more supportive.
I'm sorry for my lack of skills in so many areas.
I'm sorry for not being everything you need.
I'm sorry for whining.
I'm sorry for having the balls to want anything.
I'm sorry for not standing up for myself.
I'm sorry for not doing more.
I'm sorry that we don't understand each other better.
I'm sorry that I think you lie to me... that I doubt your honesty at all.
I'm sorry for being tired.
I'm sorry I asked you to move back to this shithole of a state so I could be closer to my "supportive" family.
I'm sorry for asking for anything.
I'm sorry for not asking.
I'm sorry for not being thankful enough.
I'm sorry that I don't work harder.
I'm sorry that I cry.
I'm sorry that I get mad.
I'm sorry for it all.
I'm sorry that I feel this shitty and can't really explain why... or really, that I can't explain to YOU why because I fear the lecture I'll get about how stupid it all is and how I should just get over it because 'I'm the one that allows it all to happen'. How "It's all about MY choices". You know, you may be right, but you have no idea how high you've set the bar for me. I'm afraid I'll never be able to clear it and that you'll get fed up and leave and I'll be all alone with the girls with no income. That's not a good place to be, you know? To feel completely fucked no matter what I do. Not good.
Yeah, here I am, 6 years into this Stay Home Mom gig with no friends. Not good.
Life right now? Not good.