My apologies for the mashed up confessions - I was traveling on Thursday and clearly not attentive enough!
I think I’ve got my husband convinced that having children is a terrible idea. Part of me feels awful and manipulative, because I don’t think he would have decided to be childless had I not filled his head with all of my doubts and worries, but a bigger part of me is so incredibly relieved I can’t even describe it. I think I’d be a lousy, selfish, angry mom, and I think our marriage is wonderful right now. I don’t want anything to change.
You’re right, you will always disappoint me. You never hold me when I cry, or listen to my fears, or just show up because you know I need you. And you never will. I don’t know if that’s just the kind of guy you are, or if you just don’t care enough about me.
But what hurts even more? More than the lack of compassion? That you know I need and want those things, but you still won’t do them. You just get mad and upset when I ask for them, and say, “I always disappoint you”.
So that’s why I broke up with you last night. I miss you so much already, but my heart hurts so much more when I feel like you’re neglecting me. I can only hope I’ll find a man to care about me, and you find a It sucks to know that after 4 years "invested" in this relationship that I was never #1. I always knew it in the back of my mind, but I guess it hurts to admit. You leaving me to take care of someone else gave me the courage I know I need to leave you. I just wish it wasn't so. Despite the fact that I know the best thing for me to do is move on, my heart hurts to know I HAVE to do it. I have never had so much joy, fun, laughter, pain and heartbreak all at once.
Every day I wake up and think to myself “is this all there is? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?” and it makes me so sad. It feels like my life ended the day we go married. The fun and loving person I knew before is totally gone and there is this boring, uptight, bossy stranger in his place. Where did you go? Are you ever coming back?
I don't know if you are aware of just how close I
came to leaving you. I am so thankful that you
gave in. Of all people I know how important it is
to compromise, but I couldn't this time. Not on
this issue. Thank you for having a change of
heart. It saved our marriage.
You know, just once I'd like to tell you about something in my life and have you be actually interested. You freak about this fucking race every stupid year when it comes, and all you can think of is how you can get back down there for the next one. Well, you know what? If it's that big a damn deal, then go. And stay there. Because if that's the kind of life you want, I'm never going to fit in with you. It's not what I want. I don't want to spend my life watching people risk everything they have just to for the thrill of going really fast in a stupid circle. I want a real life, something to show for what I've done in my time here, someone to share my life with that will share with me also. And you say to me that you wanted me to be a part of that because it was a big part of your life. What about my life? What about my dreams and my needs, and beyond that, what about our daughter? That kind of thing isn't the place for her, and it's not a place for me either. It's not something I would have fun with, and it's just a place where Joey would be on your nerves, because when you were always there before, you could do whatever you wanted, you could run around with whoever you wanted. Don't you see that even if you went again and brought us it wouldn't be the same for you? There's a reason your dad never brings his wife and daughter with him, it's because they don't belong there, they wouldn't want to see it, and they most likely shouldn't see him the way he acts in places like that. Why would you want me to go? And to take Joey? Matter of fact, if you really loved us, why would you want to go to a place where you have that kind of past and those kinds of memories? I wish I could come to you and tell you all of this, tell you how I feel and what I'm thinking, but I know that it wouldn't do any good anyway, because you really don't want to hear it. You aren't interested if it's not all about you, are you? So I'll just keep it to myself, but you should know that somewhere in this world is someone who would be interested, someone who'd want to hear what I've got to say, and would have something to say back to me. Someone who would mean it when they tell me that no matter what, I can always come to them if I need to talk. And then you can remember times like these when you didn't want to hear it, because you'll be alone while I'm out talking to the man who wants me enough to listen.
Every morning I wake up and I feel nothing but humiliation and impotent rage. Somedays I think it would be easier if i just drifted away and died, everyone would be better off.
I felt so awful the other day - and when I called, you instantly knew something was wrong. When I got to you, you sat down and told me to tell you everything - and I did. All the weird crazy jumbly shit that rolls around in my head and you talked me through it. You didn't try to make light of my fears, you didn't try to tell me how to fix it. You just listened. When I was finally done, you kissed the tears from my eyes and told me how much you love me and how beautiful I am and how everything is going to be all right. That is how I know I love you. I come to you for comfort.
I know you want me to admit that I have an alcohol problem, but I also know that if I do it will be like admitting that you are right...and I can't do that.
To My BFF...
I can't tell you how many times I have spilled my heart out to you over email or on the phone, but there are just some things I can't say to you. In the short time we have known each other, you have become my best friend and I have fallen so truly deeply in love with you. You know that I love you, I just can't tell you anymore, I just tell you in my head countless times because it is so hard to hold it in. I have never met anyone like you. You know everything about me, from silly things like my favorite color to the deepest parts of what makes me the person I have become. I can just be me with you. You have never passed negative judgement on me, you have only supported me the best way that you can and for that I am truly grateful. I have never trusted anyone like I trust you, never opened up to anyone the way I can with you. There is something about you that just makes me feel so safe and secure like I have never felt and like I have been longing to feel.
I understand that the relationship we have is not ideal. We work together, we live so far apart and you have a wife. Oh I know on here I will probably catch tons of shit for that part but I don't care. We didn't set out for this to become what it has. You know that I believe everything happens for a reason, there is a reason for us we just haven't found it yet. I never meant to fall in love with you. You know I didn't. I tried to fight it. I knew I was losing that night that we finally saw each other. The way you made me feel both physically and emotionally was indescribable. Ever since that night I have just been falling deeper and deeper no matter how hard I try not to and no matter how much you asked me in the beginning to be careful. I know you are worried about me getting hurt, but that is obviously a risk I have been willing to take over and over with you. Every day I think about the next time I am going to see you. It isn't just because of the sex, I just want to be close to you, to talk to you and look into your beautiful eyes, to see your amazing smile. Every night I go to sleep and wonder what it would be like to fall asleep in your arms, to wake up and roll over to find you there. I have told you a million times that I have no expectations for our relationship and that is true. I don't let myself think that you are going to leave her and come running to me. I am not stupid. But I do dream about what it would be like to be with you everyday. To be able to just reach out and hug you or kiss you or hold your hand whenever I want to. How it would feel to be able to just snuggle up with you on the couch and watch TV or even just talk. But what I think about the most is how wonderful it would be to just be able to look into your eyes and tell you that I love you. I have told you on the phone and online, but if you were looking into my eyes when I say it, you would be able to see how much I really do love you.
Then there is the not so great part of our relationship. I understand that you must be under so much stress. This has to be amazingly hard for you. You love your wife, and you care about me. I know you are in a really tough spot. I totally respect your feelings for her. After all, she is your wife and the mother of your children. Three times you have pushed me away just to come back again and pull me back in. Part of me wonders if you push me away because you are afraid of caring too much, but you wouldn't admit that to me even if it were true. I know that you start to think and you have so much conflict in your head and it scares you and you run. All three times I have never turned away, I have always stuck in there. After all, you are my best friend and I made a promise to you that no matter what happens that I will never leave you. I care too much about your friendship to just throw it away. I never told you this, but after the first time you pushed me away and came back I told myself that I was not going to let you do that to me again. I told myself that if you pushed me away again that was it, I was done, just friends. I didn't follow through because I said that the second time and the third. I love you too much to just let you go. There is always going to be a small glimmer of hope in my heart that we have a real relationship one day, but I am not counting on it, I am smarter than that. I wonder why I stay wrapped up in this when the chance that this goes no where is so far greater that the chance that we will be together. The answer is so easy, I can't stop because I love you. You keep telling me that you don't want to hurt me. I know you don't. I know the risk, I am willing to take that risk, I am still here. I could just leave it all behind if I wanted to, but until you tell me for good that its over, I am not gonna.
Out of respect for you I don't tell you what I think of your wife. I have told you that I don't think she deserves you. I have told you that I am so jealous because she has what I want so much. You make excuses for the way she is and I understand why you do. You feel the need to defend her because she is your wife. I just hope that deep inside you know that you deserve so much better. Granted I don't know what her day to day life is like, I don't know about her past, I have never even met her. What I do know is that when you love someone you don't act the way you have told me she acts. And I have no sympathy for her at all, not an ounce. The things she complains about make me laugh like a little hyena inside because I do it all alone, always have, and she complains and has you to help her! And the fact that she wanted you to leave makes me laugh at her even more, she would be throwing away something that she would probably never find again. She has no idea how lucky she is. If you were mine, I would never take you for granted the way she does. You just need to see things for yourself, no one can make you see it until you are ready to.
Just know that you have someone here who loves you so very much. Someone who will always support you and stand behind you no matter what. Someone who will never turn their back on you. I promise you friend or lover, I will always be here. There is so much more I want to say but that will have to wait for another day.
Thank you for being so truly amazing.
I Love You.
It sucks to know that after 4 years "invested" in this relationship that I was never #1. I always knew it in the back of my mind, but I guess it hurts to admit. You leaving me to take care of someone else gave me the courage I know I need to leave you. I just wish it wasn't so. Despite the fact that I know the best thing for me to do is move on, my heart hurts to know I HAVE to do it. I have never had so much joy, fun, laughter, pain and heartbreak all at once.
I never should have given you so much power over me and my self-esteem. What the hell was I thinking? Had I had better sense back then, I wouldn't be in this situation now. I never thought I'd be numb to all the things I go through with you now and it hurts. Why? Because I know things are finally coming to an end. It's just confirmation. But I've been preparing for this moment for a very long time. I love you dearly and can't bring myself to cheat on you. I know that we're not in the best place right now, but it won't justify me ever getting in bed with someone else. I know now that you won't ever make me happy, because we don't have any common goals. I never thought that I'd be the person to question whether or not I wanted to marry or have children. You made it into such an awful thing that I have turned into someone I don't recognize. And the sad part is that you never believed how much I actually loved you. You never knew that I really wanted to be your wife because I loved you just that much. Sure, maybe when I was like 18 I talked about getting married, but what the hell did I know? You were what I wanted for my life. I thought that the reason we were working so hard to better ourselves was for our future. I didn't know that we setting ourselves up for separate futures.
When I had my pregnancy scare, all I could think about was running to the clinic to get an abortion. I seriously resented you for leaving me all alone. I wanted to hurt you and I would have. I know that if I would have been pregnant and actually kept it, I'd never forgive myself. I don't want to end up someone who just settled with someone who never actually wanted me in the first place. And I know that it all would have been on your terms anyway. I know you NEVER would have married me.
I loved you for you. I loved you for my life. I loved how much people loved you. I loved how people always said you were such a good guy. And you are. No matter how hard it's been I can't really bring myself to say anything bad about you to anyone. Because I know you are a good guy. What kills me is that I know that you will one day marry someone and make them happy, the way I wanted to be happy with you. But I'm done thinking something was wrong with me and have come to terms with the fact that timing is everything and some things just weren't meant to me.
When this lease is up and I move, you won't know where. I'll change my number and delete you from my heart. I can't have you in my life anymore. Who are we kidding? We can't be friends. And the sad part is that I'm making these plans and kind of stringing you along because deep down inside I'm not totally ready to let you go. But I'm stringing you along, just like you did me. You had no respect for me or my time. If you just would have been honest from the beginning then I could have made the choice for myself. But you didn't give me the choice. You always had an excuse of why we couldn't get married. I wish you had some balls and told me you didn't want to marry ME. Not that the timing wasn't right, not that you want your finances in order, and all the other bullshit excuses you gave me.
Thank you. Thank you for being in my life, the fun vacations we had and the good times we had together. Thank you for being an asshole, not coming to my mom's memorial, pushing me up against the wall that one time and hurting me like hell when you gave me a ring that didn't mean anything, telling me that we'd be married in 3 years when none of it was true. Thank you for making me beg for sex when I'm only 25 and you're 27. Thanks for making me think that I was a damn lunatic and it was all my fault. Thank you for NOT marrying me because I know now that it could only have gotten worse. Thank you for not taking my maiden name from me because there's someone out there in the world who deserves it more than you do. And he'll love me. He'll honor me. He'll put me first. He'll make decisions with me, not WITHOUT me. He'll love his family, but he'll recognize that I am his number one.
I'll never make the same mistake twice and I owe it all to you. Thank you.