Monday, May 28, 2007

True Wife Confessions 187 Deep Cover

Confession #1861

You didn't ask me to have sex. You didn't ask me if I wanted to have
sex. (I don't.) You just grabbed my itchy, tender, still
milk-producing breasts and squeezed them as if you were kneading
bread. I feel like I didn't even have to be there. And now I'm
awake and you're fast asleep, with no idea how much I hurt.
I decided to have sex since the argument would have taken longer
and both of us would be hurting, instead of just me.

Confession #1862

To My Husband,

I'm trying so hard to remember why I fell in love with you. Every kiss, every touch, every intimate encounter just leaves me feeling more empty and lonely and more frightened to face tomorrow. The anti-depressants aren't helping. I stopped therapy because you were uncomfortable with it, with me talking about "us" to a stranger. And yet you hate it when I talk to friends or even my sister. You don't understand why I need to talk to someone about my feelings when I have you. But what do you do when I talk to you? You try to humor me or kiss me quiet, invalidating my very thoughts and feelings. So now I don't talk to anyone about what I'm going through. When you ask me "what'cha thinkin?" I make something up just to avoid telling you that I'm sinking.

It's been 9 months since I tried to end my life and my pain. I can't tell you how many times since then I've thought of trying again. I can't tell you how many times I've just wanted to escape the pain and loneliness that my life has become. And you dear husband are the source of that pain and loneliness and even knowing that, I feel utterly powerless to leave you and love myself enough to make a fresh start.

Maybe if I didn't keep catching you in lies, maybe if I didn't have such a strong gut instinct that you're leading a double life, maybe if my gut instincts or sixth sense or whatever the hell it is that keeps telling me you're up to something didn't continue to prove me right, maybe then I could feel some sence of peace and happiness and hope. But your actions have robbed me of that and the hell of it is ... I've allowed it. From the start I looked the other way even when I knew in my heart that you were playing me. Again and again I've made excuses for your awful lies, even to myself.

I'm so tired of lying to myself about you. I'm tired of pretending to be happy for family and friends, and even for you. I'm tired of wanting so desperately to feel something when you touch me that I've started to fantasize about anyone else just to feel alive in that moment. I'm so tired of living this lie my life has become. And I am so tired of wanting you to love me so badly that I accept every crumb you toss my way as if it were diamonds.

I don't know if I can find the strength to find my way out of this, but I'm going to pray for God's help and guidance. One way or another, I have to get out.

Confession #1863

The other morning, you yelled at me for putting my coffee cup on the floor. Your reason? "Sometimes coffee stains wooden floors", and although mine was in an insulated mug, that wasn't good enough.

I looked at you and said "Don't worry - this won't be forever" and you looked at me and replied "Yes, you Know that right?"

And the strange thing? I do know that. I know we will not be married forever and I am sad and relieved at the same time. You know it. I know it.

Confession #1864

My husband,
You are a very wealthy man, however that does not make you "King". Your disrespect for me is the reason you make my skin crawl. I hate that your ignorant and stuck in 1985. It's embarrassing that I have chosen you. I hope I can hide my feelings long enough that my boys turn out like men should be, not a lot like you.

Confession #1865

You are a dick. First of all, our marriage broke up because of you and your internet porn addiction. You were excited at first by my sexuality, and then it somehow became "too much effort." Voila! There's you sitting at the computer with a boner in your sweatpants that you have absolutely no intention of giving to me-- because it's "too much effort."

What kind of guy turns down a blowjob, anyway?

Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, let bygones be bygones, shall we? We parted on terrible terms two and a half years ago. That doesn't mean that you can't break email silence for four freakin' seconds to send me your new address so I can divorce your ass. You are simply making this more expensive for ME to push through (nevermind the fact you owe me 4K that I'd really like back, NOW, please). We have been separated for over two years. I know you receive my emails because they don't bounce back and I see you active on chat constantly. So you are simply being childish. Or stupid. I was never quite certain which one it was with you.

The man I'm with now, by the way, rails me morning noon and night every chance he gets. And he gets lavish blowjobs, and loves every minute of them. He is vocal and appreciative and just downright sweet-- only he has a female equivalent of YOU in his background, so every day we are both dealing with self-esteem issues caused by selfish exes.

Also, I was always hot. It's just that after I dumped you, I got hotter.

You made me nuts and that shadowed a period of my life that should have been one of the best. I could wring your neck for that. But, strangely, I sometimes think of you with affection. If we had just stayed friends, instead of doing the whole move-across-the-country dramatic-elopement thing, we would probably still be speaking. The sex would not have gotten in the way.

Ah well. That'll learn me to take boys' virginities. I swear to God, I mean it this time, that you are my last deflowering. Here's to hoping the divorce goes through as a non-response no-fault. Cheers.

Confession #1866

Quit pushing me! It is rude to move someone physically who is
capable of moving on her own. Stop it! It borders on violence; it
is not necessary; I have asked you to stop repeatedly. Stop it!

Confession #1867

Why don't you believe me when I say I hate you and want you out of my life. I don't know what else I can do or say to make you want to leave. Don't you see how our kids are affected. I've gone through soooo much with you it's unreal but this last episode just put me over the top. I sit and wonder every day how you could have been so cruel to me when I have always been here for you. For the last 15 years the only thing good I have gotten from you is our children. I'm tired of you using the excuse of your childhood and how you didn't have much of a family and you don't know how to be a good father/husband. PLEASE that excuse has well worn itself out. I can't even image how many times you have cheated on me and just thinking about it hurts so bad because I never did that to you. It's like you never cared at all about me to be able to do what you have done. You know the sad part is that I use to pray that you would find someone else and just leave me but it never happened that way and then to cheat on me with someone so close to home just kills me inside. I want you out so badly but I won't leave my kids and you won't let me take them even through I said I would be OK with joint custody. I don't want to be a bitch, I want you to have time with your kids and don't you see that we would both be better parents apart then we are together. Don't you see that your oldest son already hates you. Can't you tell? You belittle him so much and it hurts me inside to see his pain. I'm tempted to just quit my job and just move out of state so you can't find us but I don't think I could do that because I do want you to be in their lives. I would like them to see the best of both of us. I hate the fact that you constantly put me down and say what a horrible person I am. I am a good person and nothing you can say or do will change that. I know that when you belittle me your only talking about yourself but I'm getting real tired of hearing it now. It's horrible for me to say but I wish bad things on you. I just want out.. I explain to the kids all the time that this is not a normal relationship but I'm afraid when they grow up because of seeing what they do that they too will have failed relationships. PLEASE LEAVE!!!

Confession #1868

I wish I had the balls to get this divorce moving RIGHT FUCKING NOW. There is nothing left to you and me, your three other girlfriends can fucking well have you (although I am going to warn the one what a creep you are, because she thinks you're her one and only, and guess what, sorry sister, take a number). But the fact of the matter is, until I get my finances in order, I need you to keep living with me. We are cordial enough, but you make me completely sick to my stomach, and my heart bleeds for whatever girl you're getting your hooks into now. I hope she is smarter than me and sees you for the narcissistic con man you are before she invests too much of her life or finances in you. So for now I hang on, smile, and take your checks. Little do you know I'm socking money away for day when you pack up your pathetic self and get out of my home, and go back to your mama or whatever it is you're going to do, I care little.

Why couldn't I have found out about this before we closed on this house and not three weeks after? True, I wouldn't have had my dream house, but I also could have walked away from your cheating self, gone back to my parents, and not suffered this additional year of hell you're put me through. This was the best Mother's Day I've had in years, because I was able to spend it with my mother, who I love more than anything in this world, and not waste it with your bitch from hell maternal unit, who isn't sure whether she hates me, you, your father, or herself most. I really am going to have a fabulous life once you're gone.

Last night I met someone totally great, cute, polite, funny, stable (unlike you). And he thinks I'm beautiful! Weight issues and all, he thinks I'm gorgeous. He also seems to appreciate my brains and independence, the very things you wanted to bury. He is fantastic, and I am going to enjoy every schoolgirlish, silly moment of this. But at the same time it's in the back of my head that maybe he's the kind of man I was supposed to marry. Funny that he's totally different from you!

Guess what, you jackass? You lost. I know I am not crazy, that I am every bit as smart and sane and able to take care of myself as everyone else seems to think I am, that I am a beautiful woman with a lot to offer. I'm not this sad, fucked up, pathetic mess you want me to believe I am. You didn't break me down, you didn't give me any of your filthy diseases. and have now failed in your effort to convince me that I'm worthless.You lost, and you're not going to win me back. I am done being your punching bag.


Confession #1869

I don't want to have another baby this year. I have told you that
and told you that. Ask me next year.
I am barely keeping it together as it is; I can't do this and be
pregnant right now.


Confession #1870

Its been two years ago this week that you left your son and I. Two years since you left saying that you would call as soon as you landed back home, two years ago since you said that you loved me, you loved our son, and that you loved my girls. Its been two years since you said that everything would work out, and that we would see each other as soon as we could, within 3 months or so. Its been two years since you kissed my tears away, Its been two years since I've heard your voice, felt your touch, looked into your eyes. Its been two years since I so willingly trusted you and thought that everything was going to be allright.
It took 2 days for the reality to sink in, 2 days before you made the break, 2 days before you didn't call just to hear my voice, 2 days after you left the UK. Then you got on a plane out of Germany and then there was nothing. I went through hell, wondering what I did wrong, why you made promises that you had no intention on keeping. There was NOTHING for months, not a phone call, not an email, not a letter telling me to go to hell. I had given up on hearing from you. I "knew" that everything we had was a lie.

Then after 5 months you sent an email, and had the nerve to get pissed off at me when I told mutual friends that I had gotten an email from you and they emailed you before I did.

And when I wrote you and told you that I had to compose my thoughts before I responded, you were pissed at me even more. Excuse me for not spreading my arms wide open to you after one email, one email that made absolutely no sense what so ever. You claimed that your life had gone to shit, well what do you think happened to mine? I was left to pick up the pieces, with two little girls that thought you hung the moon and a little boy whose da just disappeared, and he was too little to understand where he went, words didn't work for a 10 month old.

Then it was like you couldnt handle hearing what your disappearing act did to the people you left behind. Because 3 emails later and you closed your email accounts, and fell off the face of the earth again.

It has taken me all this time 1 year 7 months, to realize that you really are gone, that you really are never going call, that you really are never going to email, that you really are never going to show up on my doorstep.

I don't know if I miss the physical aspect of our relationship, more or the friendship more, but I know I haven't let myself have anything close to it since you left, I cant bring myself to trust, to open up.

My confession is, that I never stop hoping, I never stop wishing. I think of you every day. That little boy is a constant reminder. One would think that I would move on. But I can't, I can't, I can't.

It has gotten easier as the time has gone on, and its not as painful, but I think of you, I miss you. And I would probably welcome you home, with open arms.

Friday, May 25, 2007

True Wife Confessions 186 songs on my mini ipod

Confession #1851

You are the true love of my life. Thank you for everything you are and for everything you do for me and the boys. I appreciate your strength, big heart and all the selfless ways you help people. Even the people who don't deserve it! Without you, my life does not make sense. ILYWAMH LOML

Confession #1852

For 15 years I have been with you. My first and only lover. 4 children and countless sacrifices later and I don't know what I have. There are times when I love you so much it hurts and then there are time when I don't even know you. When I was really sick and needed you, you made me feel like it was all in my head. Now I have been diagnosed with depression. Will you be there for me now or am I once again alone?


Confession #1853

I am trying so hard to make this work. I feel ashamed of the way I feel. When we met, we were both young and in shape. When I got pregnant. You stayed away from me -physically. You said,
"I'm not into big girls" .
Well, three children later and I am finally back in shape. I watch what I eat. I exercise and now you all the sudden are *into* me again.
However, you gained over 100 pounds in the 11 years we have been married and now, to be honest.....
I am just not into you anymore.
If I saw you TRYING to loose weight. I saw you making an EFFORT to be healthy- I think that would change how I feel.
Eating a sandwich, chips and whatever else, in BED after I made a healthy dinner just three-four hours prior just pisses me off.



Confession #1854

i really appriciate that we have been together for as long as we have and you have yet to fart or even annouce that you are using the bathroom. you only go number 2 when you are taking a shower. but really babe...flush as soon as you're done! you take a dump, then leave it in the toliet and take a shower. sometimes i need to get in to pee, or just grab something from the bathroom, but when i open the door and i am assulted with the stench of steaming shit, i want to kill you!!! so start flushing before you get in the shower. if it happenes one more time i am going to have to embarass you and let you know. maybe you cant smell it, but it fucking reaks.

but i still love you poodle


Confession #1855

Im secretly wanting to leave..Im a lesbian..I have been for a long time..Im just scared that I wont be able to make it on my own with 2 kids..Ive found the most wonderful woman..She brings me more happiness and joy than you or any man has...Ive told her that I would run away with her if she could leave..I dont hate you or anything..To tell the truth I love you dearly..But I cant love you like you want...Im gay honey...

I wish I could say that to my husband..But I cant..


Confession #1856

You know what? I quit, I give up, you win. That's what you want to hear right? You want to hear that I just give up and you get things your way, I mean that makes your life so much simpler in the end anyway. If I give you both worlds then your life is everything you want it to be, who cares about me and the way that I feel? Yes I know you say you only want to make me happy and that it makes you feel horrible when I'm sad, especially when I'm sad because of you, and I believe you, I really do. However, that doesn't stop what's going on, those words and apologies have come to mean very little to me lately. You don't follow any of your words with the actions that you should, and even worse the actions that you've started you've failed to follow through with. I know none of this is easy on you, and I know the repercussions, but seriously, grow a pair already. Do something about what you keep telling me you want so badly. I realize I've been patient so far, and I realize I've probably only enabled this further, but that will run out at some point. I will get fed up with all this, and all these games. I hate playing games, and for the past year that's all this has been.

I do love you, that became incredibly clear to me this past weekend. I've never wanted to say those words to anyone so badly in my life, but I won't. You will never hear me utter those words to you until a lot of things change, and at this point I don't know if they ever will. You have no idea what this is like for me, no idea how hard it is to watch you walk away. In a way, it breaks my heart every time and I have to wonder how long you expect me to be able to do this, to be able to play this game. I don't think I'm strong enough to walk away from you, from the way you make me feel. I've never felt this way about anyone, never gotten butterflies in my stomach the way that you give them to me… still, after all this time. The idea of losing you makes me sick, and the thought of staying in this situation much longer makes me sick. Seems like a lose/lose situation either way, and so I'm trapped. But, God, do I love you… I never thought I could love someone this much, or meet someone who accepts everything that you do about me. I've never had anyone look at me the way you do, or want me as much as you do either, and for that, my heart keeps breaking.


Confession #1857

To my ex-husband:

I don't understand why you think there is still a chance for us to get back together. After being separated for 3 years, begging you to go to couples therapy with me for almost a year in the beginning, and all of the interference of your mother IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!! It has been for a long, long time.

I also don't understand why it's ok for you to date but I start dating and you say it is a "slap in the face." WTF???????? I take care of our kids all the time, work full time and can't enjoy life? You quit your job (or were fired, don't know for sure) and sit on your a** all day playing Xbox and surfing the net for God knows what. (We won't go into your online habits right now) So I don't see why it is such an issue for you to spend a day or two with our children. I know you think you ruin my plans when you call me to come and pick them up, but my mom sees right through you and watches them so I can still go out.

I hope that you find someone who is as draining on you as you have been on me for the past 5 years.

Confession #1858

I am so much in love with you. I am also scared. I wasn't brought up to manage feelings like this, and I know I haven't been a good girlfriend. I've been married and divorced twice before, and I know I've hurt you greatly in the not-so-distant past. You have hurt me, too, but not nearly as much. I really don't deserve to be this happy. You are leaving your family to move 1,300 miles away to be with me, and that means more to me than you will ever know. I fall deeper in love with you every single day. I have just never known these kinds of feelings, and I'm terrified something will go wrong and I'll lose you. You moving in with me is such a huge commitment. I can't decide what scares me more... losing you or making this commitment. It's time for me to grow up and face my fears, though. I will be here for you every day for the rest of my life. You are my forever. We'll face this together.


Confession #1859

I made a decision when I was walking back to work from lunch just then. I am leaving you. I cannot handle this anymore. You are sick and depressed but quite frankly it is not my problem. It seems such a waste to walk away from 11 years with you.

You don't love me enough to get well. You are too busy being wrapped up in your own misery. It is not job to fix you. Help as much as possible, yes. Fix you, no. And I can't fix you because you don't want to be fixed.

I am 26 years old and living like a 70 year old woman caring for her ailing husband. It's not fair. I want to LIVE. You keep telling me you want to die. I don't think you do really. I think you want me to feel bad because you feel bad. Congratulations. That tatic has been working quite well.

I worry, worry, worry about the house and our combined debts and our combined bank accounts and our combined friends. It came to me about half an hour ago. These things can be resolved. One thing at a time. But I will be miserable and unfulfilled for the rest of my life if I stay with you.

I love you very much but its time I started loving myself too. Or I will end up a hollow shell of a person. Lonely and sad.

You don't treat me well enough or care enough about me for me to give one more iota of myself to you. I'm sorry but it's time for me to start living. I really, really hope you do too. Because despite my decision and what I am about to do in about 3 hours time I want you to be happy too. But you have to make yourself happy. Stop expecting me to magically make it all better. It's just not going to happen.


Confession #1860

i hate you for still being friends with you ex ( she looks like a fish btw). . . .i find it disrespectful. . . i wish i could be friends with my ex now so you would feel the insecurities and hate that im feeling now.

I'm trying hard to raise our child alone and this what i get from you my simple request was not to talk to her but you could never do it even if you keep telling me i'm the only one you love i don't give a damn i just don't want her in OUR lives.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

True Wife Confessions 185 CLXXXV

Confession #1841

When I'm working late, sometimes I'm not working. Sometimes I'm just listening to the quiet and surfing the Internet because I can't ever do that when I'm home.

Confession #1842

To My Husband -

When I am quiet and sad, I am worrying about my mom, the future of bringing children into the world as it is today and more than anything the past year that you were away. I still can't come to terms with any of it. I hurt so much because I hurt people when I never had before and I have a lot of trouble waking up and living with that and dealing with what I lost.

But when it comes to you, I love you with every fiber of my being. You make my every day bright and sunny, even if the roads outside are flooded and frozen over. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you give me warm butterflies in my tummy even after all these years. I love that you cook me wonderful meals and make ingrediants such as raspberry coulis. I love that you wake up before me on snowy days and clean off my car and write love messages in the snow so it is the first thing I see when I look out the window in the morning. I love that you make me candle lit baths and scrub my back with the sponge on a stick. I love that you give every day a theme and make every day an adventure. Who else in the world would ever count turtles at the pond with me or name birds in our back yard? I love that you travel the world with me and indulge my interests and fantasies. I love that you tell me bedtime stories and paint my toe nails and carry my shopping bags and think nothing of it as if it is something every husband does and should do. I love that you take care of my family and friends and always compliment people on their successes and comfort them in their losses. I love that you are doing important research to fight cancer and save my mothers life and that in a few years you won't just be a doctor.....but a Doctor Doctor. You are my world and you paint my life with joy and color and restore my faith that there are still good, selfless people left in this world. I love you so much my husband and would never want you to think that any sadness in my eyes has anything to do with you and please never stop leaving love notes on my mirrors or in my shoes! You are the best thing any girl could ever wish for!


Confession #1843

Yes, I know you'd never leave me and you say you love me but you never SHOW me that you do.You have pushed me away so hard that I feel totally unappreciated and unloved. I had your children when you were different. You were kind and happy and so so different.. and you still won't marry me even though you said you wanted to. I don't understand you. You hate me seeing my friends, you hate me having time to myself. You only care about work and your friends. You never put me first. You never kiss me unless you want something and you don'r care if we don't have sex for months at a time! Guess what? I DO! You never say I look nice, you never make me feel special. You forget my birthday, our anniversary, hell..even last chirstmas and you wonder why I tell you I think I deserve more. I devoted my life to you and it looks like I drew the short straw. I'm not happy. I want change but you won't leave and you wouldn't let me either. I fell for my best friend..and he's gone.

Confession #1844

I am sorry, hubby.
We've been married for 7.5 years, blessed with 2 lovely young boys.
I am thankful for that. You've been a great dad to them.
But me...I have been a bad wife to you.

During the course of our marriage, I have cheated on you. Twice.
And now, I am afraid history might repeat itself.

I am liking this guy at work. We work together. I have been having endless dreams & thoughts about him. And whenever he talks to me, he makes me feel wanted. He makes me feel good. It's a nice feeling.
But it's just too much. I can't handle it.

Confession #1845

I get really fed up with your constant nagging and telling me I'm
doing things wrong. I am nearly 30 years old, I am intelligent, and
I am perfectly capable of grouting tile, doing dishes, or shoveling
manure without your constant direction. So, when I get really fed up
with you, I use your toothbrush to clean the dirt, manure, leftover
food, or grout out from my engagement ring.

And since you are incapable of going to the store and buying your own
toothbrush and rely on me to replace it, you've been using the same
nasty toothbrush since we shacked up two years ago.

Confession #1846

Dear Mailman,



Have you ever noticed that when you drive down the street, the moms in my neighborhood who are out with their small children usually scurry back inside their homes? Well, I’ll let you in on a secret… You are creepy. You think you are being charming. You probably even think you are being “charitable” -- giving these tired housewives a little attention. But dude, the attention – the heaping, over the top compliments just make you look like you are 1.) full of shit and 2.) sniffing around for a little action. You have a wife and son of your own. Go feed that tripe to YOUR wife.



Telling me I look like a supermodel is just laughable and stupid. Saying things like, “If I woke up next to you every morning, the first thing I’d say to you each day would be “hello beautiful” is creepy and makes a woman uncomfortable. And guess what? That tacky line makes the OTHER women on the block uncomfortable too!



Yes, I get lonely in my marriage. But it sure doesn’t mean I’m gonna be inviting your tired old butt inside. I took a vow. And besides, you’re icky.



That is all.



Sincerely,



So NOT a Desperate Housewife

Confession #1847

When I am with him life has a magical feeling to it. He's always in my thoughts, soothing the stresses of everyday life. He says he worships me and I know how much he means it because when we're together I can feel it. The first time we met he looked at me in a way no man ever had before him. He smiles at me and I feel it inside of me. He kisses me and I feel it in my toes. Lying together in bed, he wraps not just his arms but his entire body around me. When we talk the connection between us is there, just like the very first time we spoke. I need him in my life like I need oxygen to breathe. When we're apart my mind and my body aches for him. I would do anything for him and he does everything for me.

What an incredible feeling to know I have found the man of my dreams. He's just not the man I married.

Confession #1848

There was a moment in the car yesterday that I hated you more than I thought I could ever hate another human being. Actually, it was several moments.

Confession #1849

You came to see me over the weekend and we had amazing sex. A LOT of amazing sex. I am a little (a lot) sore today.

It made me miss you more than I already do and wish that you would just make up your mind and figure out if we are going to move together or not. I am tired of this in between and I need to know where and when I am going to get to start my life.

Why can't you just grow up and deal with commitment?

I might have considered leaving you months ago....but I am so in love with you it's ridiculous and I have never had better sex in my life.

Sigh. Please make up your mind.

Confession #1850

I know you’re lying to me…I want to confront you but I can’t- I only know
because I checked your email. You left it up, and I hit enter one too many
times. I should have exited right away, but it was like a train wreck….

I thought you were my happy ending, my shining star, my future husband.

Now I find you lying over trivial matters (well, that’s at least what I see.
Does this mean you’re lying about other stuff too? That’s exactly where my
mind is going.)

*sigh*

Thursday, May 17, 2007

True Wife Confessions 184 Indie

Confession #1831

I first want to let you know that I am a husband of my beautiful wife of 9
yrs and that I probably have no business sending you this confession. I am
guilty of negligence in my marriage and that has caused my wife to find that
attention through another man. I am 30 yrs old and my wife is 27. She has
been having an affair over the last 4 months with a man that is 40. I am a
man so of course I am going to focus on the physical aspect of the affair
but my wife keeps telling me it was the way he made her feel. Our
relationship has been stretched to the limits over the years because of the
military, kids, and distance. I keep trying to learn more and more about my
wife by understanding women emotionally and physically through research
since I found out. That is what brought me to your website. Instead of
completely coming to my own decision about what to do or labeling her as a
certain type of woman I would rather know why these things happen. Even
though these are individual experiences they are very useful. I noticed that
some of these women are being attacked for their entries and that upsets me.
Most women are not able to express themselves to their spouse or even
friends due to the fear of what response they may get. As long as you keep
this website open it will not only help women to vent but it will also help
men if they have the courage to really see what is being said behind closed
doors. Thank you for being there because my wife doesn't know it but there
is always someone she can talk to. I am sending her a link to your site and
may not work out for us but I want everything to work out for her.

Confession #1832

I don't think you understand how depressed I am. I know that you have "been there" -- you were unemployed for a long time in spite of trying hard. The economy was against you. I wasn't always understanding. So I understand that you, while you are trying, don't always get how despondent I am that I can't find a job.

I have discussed with you that geography is definitely a factor in my field and that we need to return to where we moved from 4 years ago in order for me to be successful. We moved here because we were going to have kids. Now that we know that we can't have kids, I don't want to be this close to my psycho parents. They do nothing but insult me. I'm graduating with my Master's in two days and they aren't even coming to graduation. I haven't gotten a card. They haven't even mentioned it. I can't tolerate their proximity anymore.

So here I am, no job, no one but you to come see me graduate, no friends to speak of because everyone hangs out with their high school friends here. I am lonely as shit, you travel, and I'm unemployed. Do you really think that someone in that situation can maintain a sunny outlook? I don't CARE anymore if we have to rack up a little debt to move. I know you want to be sensible. But no one pays relo anymore. It's not going to work that way. Two years from now we'll still be having this conversation: You: I'm looking, I'll find someone to pay us enough money plus relo. Me: So meanwhile I'm sitting here in a place where I'm miserable. You: Well, I'm not taking a financial loss to move. Me: I want to interview out there. You: Fine, but you have to get paid enough for us both to live so that I can look when we're out there. My friend took a year to find something.

I wish I could explain to you in a way that you can hear that sometimes financial considerations are secondary to mental health ones.

I realized yesterday I was drinking too much and I'm up to an entire bottle of wine in three hours.

Confession #1833

To the amazing guy helping me through my divorce:
I love when you smile.
I love when you kiss me behind the ear.
I love when you dance with me in a public parking lot at night.
I love your laugh.
I love all the crazy and silly things you do to make me laugh.
I love how intelligent, successful, and independent you are.
I love that you’re always there right when I think I can’t go on anymore.
I’m scared that I’ll never actually love YOU, because I don’t know how to stop loving him.

Confession #1834

Keep your hands out of your crotch!! You are a 31 year old man and you are
constantly scratching and re-arranging your genitals. Seriously...do you
need new boxers? Do you have a fungus? Or do you just like to play with
yourself? It is a HUGE turnoff. I love you but that is the most annoying
habit and you do it all the time!

Confession #1835

I have been suffering from inside all these years we have stayed together ( 5 yrs). We have a lovely daughter who turns two in May 2007. As we plan to register our marriage next week, am woken up to face the reality I have been trying to ignore all along. I do not know how to tell you this but I am really tired of having to shoulder all the financial responisibilities in the house. Given that I took a loan for the construction of our home, when I tell you that my net income is little and tell you that I hope that no emergency crops up otherwise we are in trouble, all you say is 'let's hope for the best'. I expect you as a man to assure me that you will be there to take care of us. Am really tired of having to shoulder all the load and the money you owe me is never payed back. I understand you do not have a job but the least I expect is some appreciation. I know you are a nice guy, faithful but the fact that you are most of the time away doing your PhD research and not helping out even with a cent for the general up keep of the child is making me feel tired.'
My picture of a father and a husband is one who provides for his family. My mother was a housewife and my dad did all the provision. When I have to shouler all the responsibility, which I have done for the last five years, at times it makes me feel so insecure and so vulnerable. What would happen to my daughter should I loose my job, or should any calamity happen to me.
I do not know how to tell you all these things without hurting you but how I wish that you would see that I am suffering and I nedd help in raising our young family.

Confession #1836

I'm nearly done. So, so, so close. All I need for you to do is push me over the edge. Knowing you, I am sure it won't take long:

When we first met, yeah! The sex was awesome. But we didn't live together and we didn't see each other every. single. day. I wish you'd stop comparing our sex life now to when we first met. It's not the same. I feel guilty that my libido can't keep up with yours and I have told you MANY TIMES that the sex would be an issue. But you didn't listenI didn't want to be one of those wives/GFs who didn't satisfy their man for whatever reason. But I warned you, and you insisted it wouldn't be an issue, and now you accuse me of making you beg for sex. What bullshit, and if you would quit pissing me off, I think we'd have more sex.

When you moved in with me it was supposed to be short term. It was too soon and I had a rule that I would not live with any many I wasn't engaged to, but because your ex wife was screwing you (figuratively) with child support I allowed it. You said you'd be out by April. LAST YEAR. But it's my fault, I didn't ask you to leave. I was having fun playing house, but neither did you offer to leave. Well I did. But I yet again undermined my own authority and let you stay. You knew how much I wanted to live in my first home and make it mine. Now all you do is bitch about how I don't help you with the dishes or laundry or clean. I tell you not to do them and I will get around to it. I told you that I am not a neat person when we met, too. You thought it was charming.

When we met you said I was unlike any woman you ever met. You still use it as an excuse for not "Getting me". I don't do affection, I'm not girly, I love sports I have peculiarities. I revel in them. I like me. I LOVE myself. I follow the beat of my own drum. The way I live is not bad, it's just different and you don't like things to be different. You say I am different but you haven't tried to adapt to who I am. You scratch your head and chalk it all up to me being particular.

When we first met you said, "I don't play games, neither should you." But one of the first things you did was play a game. To see how I felt about a prior relationship, when all you had to do was ASK.. But you didn't. I said the next time you try to manipulate a situation where you should have just asked I would end it. But I didn't, again, my fault. You jump to these ridiculous conclusions when we fight. When I am trying to be serious you laugh derisively. You make me feel like my demands are ridiculous and crazy. You don't ask what's wrong, you say, "why are you giving me attitude?" or "What's your problem?" Being with you has changed my arguing style from logical and calm to screaming banshee and it makes me wonder how crazy your ex-wife is and what part of it might actually be your childishness if you can make me feel this way about myself..

When you moved in, I told you that I liked my own space. You promised that if we ever fought and I asked for some time that you would leave and go do something to give me time to work it all out. You said that when you came back we could finish the disagreement as adults. But the first time I asked for space you all but stomped your foot and told me it wasn't fair! Why should I leave?? Well, because you said you would. So I left. I had to leave my own home. I went to a bookstore and I spent a good four or five hours by myself. When I came back to the house I found you gone. When you came back you said you'd felt bad and left too. You do realise that you don't get brownie points for leaving after the fact, right?

I'm just so tired. You anticipate my reactions to your daughter, quit riding her and me. I don't know what you are afraid of, but you are driving me more insane than your 6 yo. She's six, she's going to be annoying. Am I some sort of threat because I don't want children? Go ahead and get your threatened vasectomy if it worries you so much. You push me to make the decisions about us but then question my decision as "in the heat of the moment." but now I am asking you, get in my face, push me, see if I don't kick your ass to the curb.

Confession #1837

I wrote #1818, and I wanted to reply to some of the responses I received
in the comments:

I feel sorry for those of you who think that a relationship can't possibly
be a loving one if you don't say "I love you," or that someone not saying
"I love you" means that they're not affectionate. I also think you missed
the point of my confession.

My partner and I love each other deeply. We would happily go to the ends
of the earth for one another, and we each know it. My partner cares for
me with a level of devotion that no one -- and I do mean NO ONE -- has
ever before, and I care for him with the same level of devotion. He has
stood by me through cancer scares, through custody battles over my son,
through my daily battle against complex post traumatic stress disorder.
He has stood by me, and supported me, and cared for me when no one else
would.

When I was at a point where I was so depressed I wouldn't get out of bed,
wouldn't talk, wouldn't eat: He got me out of bed. He got me dressed.
He fed me. He dropped everything, took time off of work (unpaid time off
work) to take care of everything for me. He made sure I got my
medication, that I went to doctors appointments, that I didn't hurt
myself. And I never had to ask him for anything. He knew I needed him,
and he was there.

And he still dotes on me still, every day.

When it became clear that my ex-husband couldn't care for our son, despite
the fact that my partner hadn't planned on having a child at this point in
life (due to career concerns), not only did my partner support my decision
to fight for full custody, but he urged me to do it. And now that I have
full custody, he's taken on the role of a parent graciously. He cares for
my son as if he were his own. He picks him up from school, and helps him
with his homework. He organizes outings to take my son to fun places like
the aquarium, or wherever. They even play together, making science
experiments in the kitchen, or playing video games.

I have no doubts about his love for me. I can see it in his eyes when he
is telling me how much he appreciates me, and when he is caring for me and
my son. I can hear it in his voice, and feel it in his touch. Most
importantly, I see it in his actions.

My confession was not that I didn't think he loves me, or that we don't
feel love for each other strongly enough. That was not it at all.

My confession was that because of unspeakable things that were done to me
decades ago, I'm weak and broken. I'm so weak, that I am ruled by my own
irrational fears. I'm so broken, that I can't bring myself to take the
risk of saying three simple little words, even though those words only
mean half as much as what we've been showing each other these past 2
years.

My confession was that I am so weak, and so broken, that despite
everything he already does for me, I still need him to take the first step
-- to make those words safe for me -- and I loathe myself for it.


Confession #1838

My confession? I have never felt love the way I feel it with you. I have never felt so at ease, so natural, so complete. Everything about you makes me happy. You LISTEN to me, which after years of having a man ignore everything I have to say is amazing. You tell me how beautiful I am. You tell me how sexy I am. You tell me how much you love me. I can hardly believe that you have come into my life, but I am so grateful.

Confession #1839

I told you I was pregnant, but I wasn't. I told you that I had an abortion, but I didn't.
I can only look back on that time and explain that you hurt me so badly, that it was the only thing I could think of to hurt you.
It was wrong and I am sorry.
Confession #1840

I know you have BPD and I can only imagine the pain that causes you.

But it's no excuse. Not any more.

I am SO glad that I left you.

I took my marriage vows seriously. I loved you with all my heart, more than I'd loved anyone else, ever. Why? Because I'm an asshole. I told myself that if you'd had a physical ailment, I would stand by you. So why shouldn't I stand by you just because your disease is psychological?

I'll tell you why.

Because you're a psychotic monster who takes pleasure from my pain and I DO NOT DESERVE this. Another reason I stayed with you for so long is because I worried about you....what would happen to you after I left? How would you survive without my support?

But when you get rid of the roaches in your kitchen, do you really care where they go?

And a roach deserves more sympathy and compassion than you do. You took all the love I had to give and chewed it up and spit it back in my face time and time again.

My only regret is that I didn't put you in prison when I had the chance.

Yes, I took our wedding photos. I looked at them once, and literally threw up. Then I tossed them in the dumpster.

Just as I'm tossing YOU into the dumpster now.

"Into the garbage chute, flyboy!" ~Star Wars

Remember that quote?

You are a convicted felon, you're bankrupt, you're an alcoholic, you have BPD, another man is raising your son and you don't give a shit, you don't have the courage or self-respect to think for yourself, you walk with a limp, everyone you've ever worked with hates your guts and HAS to look over your shoulder because you SUCK at what you do, you're in denial about the fact that you're a SICK FUCK and blame everything on me, you're a pathological liar, a thief, you're 49, look like your 79, and tell everyone you're 43.

All of my exes want me back. A fact that you PUNISHED me for. NEWSFLASH: They want me back because I KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

You don't. All your exes hate your guts. Because you are a hateful person.

What goes around comes around. I believe that now more than ever.

You'll get what's coming to you, and it won't be from my hands. The universe will make sure you get back all the negative energy you project out. I'm sure of it.

So I sleep soundly.

Do you?

Monday, May 14, 2007

True Wife Confessions 183 Emerald

Confession #1821

I was secretly overjoyed when your son moved out to go back to live with his mother. I know you tried your best, but it just wasn't meant to be. He's a Momma's boy and he always will be and you know that too.
He is a nice kid, but he annoyed me to no end. He's the laziest person I've ever met. It drove me nuts that you would ask my advice about how to handle things with him and then follow none of it. Why even ask me? I hated having to take him to all his appointments and take him to school when he missed the bus (again!) and send receipts to your ex-wife. She probably thinks I'm a controlling b*tch when in truth I only did those things because you liked leaving those responsibilities to me because you can never remember anything. I hated watching you discipline him for things, only to let him off easy, and wonder why he kept doing the same stupid things.
But most of all, I resent you not wanting another baby while he was here, because it would have been too much to handle. With your fertility problem, those two years of trying were a lot to give up.
I'm glad he's gone. I'm sorry his leaving hurt you so badly, but maybe I can give you a son that we can love together.
I know in your heart you feel the same. Don't be ashamed of it. Your son will always love you because you tried.
I love you for it too.

Confession #1822

It is no secret that our relationship deteriorated quite some time ago, but being together for so long and being as young as we are, I think we are more of a habit for each other than a couple in love. You have changed, and you are no longer someone I am interested in knowing, let alone being married to. Life is hard and it has been particularly hard to us, and that changes people, I understand that, as I have changed as well. But no one deserves to be treated the way that you treat me. I do love you, but I am quite certain that I am no longer in love with you. I just don't think I am strong enough to leave, but sometimes I fear that it is the only thing I want, so maybe I am waiting for you to take the initiative, cause it is clear that you aren't happy either. I have begged you to go for counseling with me, you have refused. I have called family members asking for help, and you lie to them about what has been going on. I am sick to death of being the only one in our relationship that is trying. Why was I working so hard at trying to change something, if you aren't even willing to meet me half way? Or even one quarter of the way...or any part of the way at all. After ten years together you know me pretty well, and you are pretty sure that I don't have it in me to leave. And you're right, but I have learned a lot about myself in the past year, and I am no longer certain I know myself, so who knows what I am capable of? About a year ago, I met a man over the internet. You know about him, you even know who he is. You suspect that there may be more to our relationship than I have admitted to, and you're right. Those pictures you found? They were for him. Every time you walk into the room, and I hide my computer screen, I am talking to him, and saying things that I am sometimes embarrassed to admit I thought, let alone typed for someone else to see. I have called him on the phone so he could hear me moan whole I orgasm thinking about him, after he tells me all the things he is thinking about doing to me. He tells me I am beautiful, and he tells me he wants me, and he makes me feel like someone could find me interesting, funny, and sexy again. The way you made me feel 10 years ago. He tells me how all he thinks about is being with me, and how wonderful it would be if only we had met 10 years ago. I know I don't actually know him, and who knows if any of what he says is true? The point is, he says it and it makes me feel good, and it makes me realize what I have missed for so long without ever having noticed that it slipped away. I know I will never meet him, and I am certainly not in love with him, but he has made me realize how unhappy I truly am with you. After begging for change, and trying for change, and hoping for change and waiting for change, I guess I just lost hope. Maybe I want you to catch me so I will forced into admission, and then you will be forced into realizing what I have been trying to tell you for so long. Maybe I am just passing the time in a new exciting way in my otherwise boring life. Maybe someday I will work up enough courage to tell you all this myself. I don't know, but I do know that we can't go on going the way we are now, because neither of us is happy, and I don't think this is any way to live.

Confession #1823

I absolutely LOVE this site. It’s part of my daily ritual….esp the newest addition “desperately seeking..something”. You gals are freaking hilarious.

And yes, I have posted 3 confessions. This is, after all, a CONFESSIONAL. I read every single one of them, sympathizing with some, feeling sorry with others, rejoicing to those who are happy. Then, I noticed the comments section at the end of every group of confessions. And I noticed – some of you people are just plain ol mean. People come here to confess, you mean people lash out at them with no class. And you know what – it really pisses me off, b/c I was the victim of one of those verbal lashings. I confessed about an affair I had with a gentleman almost 20 years younger than me and made mention about it really working out….YOU – and you know who you are – came back with “ I say go for it, you’re husband will find someone younger and prettier than you and your newer younger boyfriend will leave you when he needs to change your depends”

Let me tell you this – I did it b/c that’s exactly what my husband did to me – and so I did it back. Try not to be so jealous huh? I immediately figured you to be some unattractive book worm, who has let herself go simply b/c you are married and your idea of fun is going to Barnes and Noble with a group of your other book worm friends. Maybe living on the wild side by having a ‘different flavored’ latte this time ~~YAWN~~~ And doubt that at almost 40, your considered a milf.

So Dawn, no disrespect to you, this site and your blogs are AWESOME, and I really appreciated your post asking people pretty much the same thing I just wrote about - but geez people – would it kill you to be a bit nicer? You’ll be the death of this site.

Confession #1824

Where to begin? Lately I feel like I'm holding so many things in from you, it's slowly suffocating me. Did you know I wake up from anxiety attacks at four a.m. on the dot, every morning? Did you not realize that at 27, I'm not ready to have kids, especially since I'm planning a career change by the end of the year? Do you realize that I'm just now figuring out which path I want to take in my professional life, I have made sacrifices and supported you in your career, and I'd like the same from you? Do you know what other women my age are doing? They're discovering who they are, and I'm sorry if my doing the same interferes with your life plan. Do you realize that, more than once, I've had sexy dreams about a coworker who I'm close to, who I will truly miss no! w that he's left our office, who we are both friends with outside of work, and only my morals (aka not wanting to cause you pain) are the only thing holding me back from seeing what could happen? I love you. I've loved you for the past eight years. You are the only man I have ever been with. Nothing will change that. However, just like I stood by you during the transition from student to professional (and yes, I admit that yours was much smoother than mine), and stood by you the many times I found porn saved on our computer, even when you promised me you had stopped because you knew it was hurting me (not even big-boobed Barbies, nine times out of ten petite brunettes like myself), you need to stand by me during this time, and accept that I'm not the starry-eyed twenty-one year old you married all those years ago. Being out of the collegiate bubble has changed us both, some for the better, some for the worse. You! 've grown into a kind, successful man, now please support me while I c omplete the transition from a drifting twenty-something to a fully fledged adult. Thank you.

Confession #1825

I loved you, I swear I did. But now, I just want you gone. You annoy me. (Your bevy of plain white T-shirts DO need to be folded, no matter how ridiculous you think it is.) You under-appreciate me. (Those dogs you love so much? Yeah, if you do not take care of them, who do you think does?) You criticize me. (Sorry I cannot be a skinny prick like you. However, I am not fat and do not appreciate the snide jokes about my weight. In fact, I'm probably in better shape than you. Oh, and hell yes I'm high maintenance. But you knew that when you chose me.) YOU WORK TOO MUCH. (Your son has brown eyes now; did you know that?)

You stopped giving a fuck, and now, so have I. I just want you to leave. And what I hate most is that I cannot justifiably leave you without feeling like a shitty mother. Then it will be my fault that Daddy is gone. So please, cheat on me, hit me, do something stupid so I have a real reason to leave and take our child with me.

Confession #1826

I know you found my secret blog and that you're there in the place where I could once scream all alone about you and the children. I think you must have found it about the same time you found out about my affair, the one you confronted me about and told me you understood why, but to stop. Before that you never noticed me at all, because you were passed out drunk all over the house, anywhere but in our bed. You've been trying a lot harder and you are a wonderful man in most respects. I have forgiven you for the drinking, we are having fun together again, and the weekends you take me out dancing are a dream come true. There's a "but" in there you know; you can just feel it building. From the first time we made love I knew it wasn't great, but I believed I could teach you what I needed. You are trying baby, but no matter how hard I work to change you, you really don't have a bit of adventure in your soul. I'm lying when I tell you how good you are in bed, because the truth is the only way I can get off is to pretend it's him touching me, holding me. I will stay faithful to you the rest of your life, but his shadow will always be there, exquisite torture as I lie in the circle of your arms at night. I don't love him you know, I love you, but I hunger for him like a Dickens orphan yearns for food. I can't tell him that and I can't tell you, but I cannot hold the pain inside. Today I started a new blog, one that you will never find.

Confession #1827

I have a great life. I have a fantastic job, I've made
wise financial decisions, and I lucked out with a
small inheritance that allowed me to pay my student
loans in one fell swoop. I own my condo, and am well
on my way to retiring about 5 years ahead of my
original schedule thanks to a little luck and LOTS of
hard work.

I married my husband 5 years ago, when his daughter
from his previous marraige was a bratty spoiled 6 year
old. He makes a good deal less than I do, so we have a
prenup that states his daughter is HIS responsibility,
not mine. His money pays for everything for her and he
doesn't touch mine. He is a good dad - child support
is never late or short, he never misses a phone call
or a weekend, and is always off at some event for her
or another.

I told him from the start that I don't want children,
his included. I would never give him a problem when it
came to his time with his daughter (my parents were
divorced too, I know how hard it is for an involved
dad to be away from his children), but I also said I
had no interest in being the stepmommy. I usually
schedule overtime or my own family visits when his
daughter is around for extended periods of time,
especially now that she is a sullen, moody
11-going-on-21 year old. (Seriously, WHY her mother
allows her out of the house looking like Britney in
trash mode is beyond me.)

A few months ago, he asked what I thought about him
applying for full custody. He wasn't happy with the
condition of the house last time he was there and
thinks his useless ex has been using her child support
money on herself rather than on their daughter. I very
calmly explained that I hadn't changed my mind about
never wanting children and that while he had to do
what he felt was right, it would probably end our
relationship if he decided to apply for custody. He
let it drop and I thought that was the end of it.

On Friday, he came home walking about 6 feet off the
ground, shining with happiness. Earlier that day, the
court granted him full custody of his daughter. She is
moving in with his sister this weekend so she doesn't
have to switch schools this late in the year, then
will be with him permanently as of the end of June. He
was ecstatic that this was a "new beginning for all 3
of us" and that I will "love his daughter once I get
to know her for more than 2 days at a time."

I didn't say a word. I nodded my head and said "OK. I
have a lot of work to do at the office this weekend,
so we will discuss this further on Monday." For once
he didn't give me a problem about going back to work.

The condo and the car are in my name. I never merged
bank accounts with him to keep kid money and my money
separate. We do not share credit cards. I did not take
on to help with his student loans, as he would not
allow me.

I am thanking my stars for our prenup, as I will be
filing for divorce on Monday and asking him to move
out by next weekend. I wonder if his daughter will
want to go back to her mother once she finds out that
she and daddy won't be living in my posh apartment. I
should have known better than to waste 7 years of my
life with a daddy.

Oh well, none of my plans are affected by all this. My
heart hurts, but it will heal.

Why why WHY DIDN'T HE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAID I NEVER
WANTED KIDS?!?!?!?!


Confession #1828

I never planned to be in love with two men. And yes. I love them Both - in different ways.

Confession #1829

To my "Dear Husband" --

Thanks for not giving me one fucking thing (including simple acknowledgement
or gratitude) for mother's day. Okay, I know I'm "only" six month's
pregnant with my first child, but you could have at least made an effort to
be something OTHER than an insensitive asshole. No such luck -- if
anything, you went out of your way to be a complete prick!

Let's see -- the day before you treated YOURSELF to a bunch of used LP's
from the local record store (you said a couple of them were for me -- yeah,
sure, whatever). And that night after I went to bed you DID get drunk &
spill gin and tonic all over the kitchen floor. Which you also left for me
to clean up when I woke up early Sunday morning to make YOUR mother a
homemade cake for YOU to take to her as a mother's day gift. I guess I
shouldn't be too dismayed at your utter lack of respect when it's obvious
that you're too fucking cheap to buy your OWN mother a gift -- much less
anything for your pregnant wife!

And so after you finally got out of bed on Sunday afternoon (with a bad
hangover, of course), you had the sack to blow up at ME for "being in a bad
mood" all weekend. Okay, so I was feeling kind of blah because I'm hormonal
and off my meds due to pregnancy; as such, I neglected to laugh at any of
your stupid hackneyed jokes. FUCKING SUE ME!!

I didn't feel like wasting the effort to try and explain any of this to you,
particularly when I could see that you were only trying to pick a fight with
me anyway (probably so you could feel justified in acting like a selfish
prick). So I retreated to the bedroom, closed the door and slept for the
rest of the day -- not only because I was hot and tired, but because I
wanted to be away from YOU.

I didn't feel like putting on a happy face in front of your family to make
YOU feel better, so I sent you off to your parent's house alone (but with my
homemade cake, of course). I spent the rest of the day in bed, crying a
little and feeling generally sorry for myself -- pathetic, yes, but it's not
like you'd give a shit even if you knew.

I can only hope that my next mother's day experience is better, because this
years' fucking SUCKED. Thanks for nothing, asshole -- I'm breathless with
anticipation over what kind of consideration I WON'T get from you when it's
time for me to give birth!

-Your wife

PS: And don't even try to lay the "I forgot" bullshit on me -- all of this
happened AFTER you saw the mother's day card your own parents mailed me.
I'll get over this pretty soon because I'm accustomed to swallowing my anger
over your lack of consideration, but in the meantime -- YOU SUCK. And if
you were expecting any kind of special treatment this coming father's day,
think again!


Confession #1830

I know what you're looking at on the computer. I see all the singles sites listed in the history. We've talked about this before. I'm debating confronting you again. Why do you continue to lie to me, to cheat on me emotionally?

I was so hurt and finally beginning to trust you again. I never should have checked the history, I just can't help myself. I HAVE TO KNOW. I wish I didn't know. What do I do now?

Why would you prefer to do sexy IMing with someone you don't even know, as opposed to your wife who is here with you? I bet you are exchanging emails with a horny guy and you don't even know it. Maybe he'll suck your dick for you everyday. You never touch me or show affection to me unless it leads to getting laid. What is wrong with me that you don't want to be with me? Why did you marry me?

Friday, May 11, 2007

True Wife Confessions Turk 182!

Confession #1811

I miss you. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish you’d take me back. I wish I could go back and change things. I wish you would have told me how you were feeling, instead of telling me what you thought I wanted to hear. I could have fixed it. I could have changed it all and we’d still be together.

I never thought the day would come when you didn’t love me anymore. The one thing I could always put my faith and trust in was your love for me. I even believed that you loved me more than I loved you. So now when I see you treat me with such coldness, I don’t think I can ever believe in love again.

I feel ruined as a person. Unworthy, unlovable, unmarriable. I made plans with you, big plans, cars, houses, jobs, vacations, kids, and every lazy day in between in your arms. Now I can only plan to make it through the entire day without driving head-on into oncoming traffic. The day I lost you was the beginning of the rest of my life spent alone.

Confession #1812

you cannot blame our house being a disaster (when i returned home from having an emergency c-sec w/ twins) on our 5 yr old. dickhead

Confession #1813

I do not see the need to change the sheets after we have sex. Every time. I mean, I could see if we were having long sessions of sweaty sex, but come on! Every time. Never fail. You hop up, and start stripping the bed. Sweetie, I change the sheets once or twice a week anyways, so I can't see how they are so foul that they need to be changed. It's weird.

Confession #1814

The last few weeks you have been an ass. More so than usual. I
couldn't figure out what the hell your problem was, especially with
everything we are going through. I thought you were worried about
having to be the active parent while I am on bed rest. But then today
at teh Docors I saw you actually let out a breath when we were told
we had made teh right decsion and that everything is going to be ok
now. It hit me, you have been worried about ME. Not about what I
could or couldn't do but about me. You have been amazing through this
and I can't thank you enough honey. I love you. I always have but I
realize now that it goes both ways. I actually matter to you. I've
known that you love me but I never realized how much. I am so very
sorry that I didn't see it before. I can't begin to list everything I
am thankful for. I LOVE YOU.

Confession #1815

Dear Husband,



I dropped you off at the airport early monday morning. Today is wednesday. I noticed something very interesting, nothing changes when you are gone. I still take care of everything, including our daughter, dinner, mornings, chores, laundry, friends stopping by. I think the only way I know you are truly gone is I'm sleeping better than I have since we got married.

No tossing and turning at all.

And no fighting.



I think I'm ready for that divorce now.



Your wife for now,

A

Confession #1816

Honey, I do love you. I'm sorry for the pills. I know I've told you that before. You have given me everything I've ever wanted.

I just don't know what my wants are right now. Thank you for trying AGAIN.

You are not innocent in all this either. I've forgiven you, but I'm having a hard time forgetting. I will NEVER have another close female friend again. It's so hard to trust and so easy to escape.

I don't know what the right thing to do is.....Help.

Confession #1817

I am only nice to your dad because I love you. He's an asshole. He treats your mom like shit and he's a control freak. What kind of man keeps driving on a road trip, after you mother has declared that she needs to go to the bathroom and waits until the poor woman is in tears of pain before he actually pulls over? An asshole that's who. Who checks the electricty wattage everyday to make sure no additional electricity is being used? An asshole, that's who. Who constantly treats his wife like she's a flippin' moron? An asshole, that's who. Who is such a control freak he didn't want your mom to work while you were a child and now threatens to take away her $20 per week "allowance" anytime she does something that pisses him off? An asshole, that's who. Who tells his wife that her bags will be on the front lawn when she has two children under 5 because she stood up for herself? An asshole, that's who.

Your dad is an asshole, I don't care if he's a devout Catholic, I don't care if he's sorry afterward, you father is a colossal asshole and I think he's a disgusting human being.

Confession #1818

You never say you love me. I know you do, but you never actually say it.
And because you don't say it, I'm afraid to say it; to say it, and not
have you say anything in return. We've been together for almost 2 years
now, and we're still afraid to say those 3 little words.

We've both been hurt. I know thats why we don't say it. Saying those
words makes things more real, more serious, and leaves us open to more
hurt. I understand all that. I do. I'm not judging you. I'm scared
too.

But what you don't know is that when I'm taking those 2 hour long bubble
baths with the door locked, I'm really sitting there, crying.

Because I want so desperately to be told that I'm loved.

And to be able to tell you that you are too.

Confession #1819

Sweetie - I know that you want to try and run a marathon. It is an admirable achievement - but the orthopedic running shoes? You look like an elderly Frankenstein hobbling down the street.

Confession #1820

You don't turn me on anymore. I'm tired of using a vibe.

Monday, May 07, 2007

True Wife Confessions 181 Volkswagon

Confession #1801

I love our new house. I love the big bathroom with the matching walk in closets.

I hate that you never close your closet door.

I close your closet door at least 4 times a day.

I get up in the morning. I close the door.

I go to shower. I close the door.

I go in to pee after you've left for work. I close the door.

I go in to brush my teeth. I close the door.

I'm going to start leaving it open so that the bathroom door hits it when you go in.

Maybe you'll remember to close your freaking closet door after you whack into it a few times.

Confession #1802

Why? Why do I seem to fall so easily into old habits and why is it so difficult to pull myself back when I see myself doing it? Why do I let a person who has proven himself to be incapable of telling the truth convince me that I am the one who is always wrong? Why do I let him push all those same buttons when I know he is just doing it to make me angry? Why isn't there a disconnect switch somewhere in my brain that allows me to say "He is just trying to upset you to make himself feel like a big shot. He doesn't even know what he is talking about"? It is a completely true statement. I KNOW THIS! Why is it so hard to feel it? I dont love him anymore. I don't want him back. I am not jealous of his girlfriend. Lord knows her life is going to be a little spot of Hell once the new wears off and she becomes the easiest, most available target when he needs his sick little ego boost. So why does it still hurt when he says the same things he used to say before? Why are those buttons still available for him to push and how do I find that friggin disconnect switch?

Confession #1803

You asked me to change many things about me, which I did. All the while you
never tried to change one thing about you. You don't know this yet, but you
have until my birthday next year to make some changes. Good luck, cause this
may be good-bye. I have always loved you, and still do. I just deserve
better than this.

Confession #1804

You expected me to not be mad... you invaded my privacy. Ok maybe what I have been doing is wrong, but part of the reason that drove me to him is the way you invade my privacy and the way you lie. I don't trust you and I don't love you. You read my personal letters. You asked how I felt about him, you asked if I had feeling for him. I told you that I thought I felt a specific way about him but I was wrong, that wasn't a lie, that day you made me realized that I am so totally in love with him that I would go to the ends of the earth to be with him. I have tried to talk to you about our relationship before it got to this point and you shut me down and turn it on me all the time. I tried to tell you that the way you treated me was not ideal, I told you what I needed, all I wanted was to be loved the way I used to love you. You neglected me, you sat on you fat lazy ass all day doing nothing while I busted my ass at work. You never said nice things to me. I couldn't even bring myself to make love to you anymore A) because you smell and B) cause "Hey baby wanna do it" isn't foreplay. I have tried so hard to make it work, but face it, it is over. I know the only way I can get you out of MY house is by force and I will if I have to. We still talk all the time, he still sends me letters but I just hid them better. You asked what he has that you don't and here it is, i told you but you don't listen. He calls me the most sweet names, he says the kindest things to me, he supports me no matter what I do, he listens to me and is a shoulder to cry on and I do the same for him because he shares feelings, he loves me for me, he loved me before he knew what I looked like, he does sweet things for me just to show me he cares, he calls just to say hi and that he is thinking about me (not to keep tabs on me), he is not a selfish lover he makes sure I have an orgasm before he does and the he gives me another after he is finished, he loves to give me pleasure, he is really truly Mr. Right. Oh yeah and he has a job. So please just go and let me be happy. We aren't married, we don't own anything together and we have no children together, if you really "love" me like you say you do, please just do like I asked and leave so I can be happy.

Confession #1805

When you are away, instead of hanging the clothes on the line ( like you prefer me to do) I use the dryer. I know you like the way they smell when they have been out on the line and that is saves energy/money - but GOD DAMN, sometimes I just want to get through the laundry not experience pioneer life.


Confession #1806

Last night was the first time in a year that we had the opportunity to be alone. Our son spent the night at a friend's house. You worked late, went to practice, and then came home long enough to tell me that you were going out. You came home at 10:30 and fell asleep in the recliner, you didn't even bother coming to bed. I feel like I was slapped in the face.


Confession #1807

you are my husband, and i love you. i don't WANT to hurt you. but, how can you not see that your extreme highs and lows make me feel like i am on a rollercoaster. i want to get off.

why do u need to belittle me? i'm smart - does it intimidate you that i could always get a better paid job than you?

screaming "LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU" in a restaurant, with MY friends at dinner - is humiliating and downright fKg mean. you are a bully.

i am starting a diary of your little outbursts.

oh, and btw you self-esteem-taking-stepford-wife-wanting-S.O.B i DO know what the word copious means. the copious amounts of sh*t that comes out of your mouth just about covers it.

UGH.


Confession #1808

We have been together for over half of my life - I have stayed many times when I shouldn't have. Who knows how many women you have "crossed the line with" - 3 that I am aware of...but yet I stayed - because "I love you".

Now you are almost impossible to live with - last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. A small disagreement sent you over the edge - I promise you if you EVER get in my face like that again - YOU WILL LEAVE.

After you stormed out - I called you and told you scared me.....once you finally came back from "blowing off steam" - you did not say ONE Frigging word to me....Not acceptable.

And now today - YOU tell ME that I can't give something time to die down - Oh it's dead alright - I will stay - I already know that - but I'm not really here anymore - wonder if you'll ever even know?

Confession #1809

Yes. I know how you "like" your jeans/khakis folded - crease to crease, folded in three places. But seriously - who the hell folds their jeans? We have actually had fights about this when I fold them incorrectly and you make lots of noise about how I folded them wrong, making a big show of re-folding your jeans in the "correct" manner. Those are moments when I want to strangle you with the aforementioned jeans.

Confession #1810

My dearest love,

I *hate* your "friends."

What these people have done is just unacceptable and selfish. It kills me to compare our friendship with these three couples of several years ago to the one we "have" now. They were my bridesmaids and the men were fabulously fun and interesting. But they have forgotten about us... or it seems as though we're no longer good enough for them. One might make the case that they were too busy to fly cross country for your landmark birthday. However, some of them didn't even bother to RSVP after my repeated calls and emails. Couple #1 flew in on Daddy's jet one time and made no attempt to see us unless we drove 3-4 hours to meet them in the countryside. When we (again) made the trip to see all of them, Couple #2 made no effort to talk to us about getting together for dinner after we flew 2000+ miles. Couples #1 and #3 deigned to go out to dinner with us, mocked our lifestyle, promptly ignored us the entire time, talked about buying their kids' way into preschool, and then invited each other to go to Mexico on vacation in front of us. Who does that?! Seventh graders know better! They apparently weren't too busy to fly to Florida (farther than visiting us) with their infants and toddlers, even though their excuse for not coming to your birthday was that it was "too hard to fly with kids."

Bottom line: they don't care about us anymore. I know how much that hurts you. And it infuriates me because you are without a doubt the best friend I've ever met. You remember all birthdays and anniversaries, you bought trinkets for their kids when we came in town. They don't care about us. Not even a little bit. So please stop begging for their friendship by initiating contact…it makes you look bad. Not calling when they all came in town this weekend is the LAST straw for me. I don't care if I never see them again. If we move back where they live I don't even care if we tell them we're moving back. If it were just me I'd shrug and move on. But I know you're crushed. And that makes me hate them with the intensity of a thousand suns. Truly.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

True Wife Confessions 180 Antipodal point

Confession #1791

Dear Boyfriend,
Here's the REAL reason I won't sleep with you anymore.
I work out every day. I diet constantly. I am thin. I am beautiful. I practically kill myself to meet an impossible standard of beauty.
And what do you do?
You drink every night at your stupid bar tending job. You come home wasted. You play asinine role playing games and watch porn 'till six in the morning. Your lazy, fat ass gained 40 pounds!
I realize you're tired all the time. But for goodness sake - I bust my ass to stay beautiful and attractive. Maybe you could meet me half-way? I am officially "out of your league", dear.
I don't want want to fuck you anymore, you fat ass. But I assure, I'll have no problem finding beautiful men who do want to fuck me, hell, who want to worship me.
Get your act together.


Confession #1792

i ended a friendship for the wrong reasons. i spoke up about your
pregnancy knowing it would end our friendship- i still think you
brought a child into this world for the worst reasons possible. he
was married (separated, but still married) and had many other
children left in his wake. you were not the first, and you haven't
been the last. he is a scumbag and you have the most unhealthy
relationship history in the world. i spoke up for selfish reasons- i
didn't want you or anyone else to think i thought it was ok. it's
not ok- i am scared for your future, and now your children's. people
talk about him and his "fondness" for young girls. he is much older,
and has never managed to stay in a relationship. i wish i had used
more tact when i spoke with you, but i know i was right about him- i
hope you have a friend like i would have been. you will need them
when it falls apart.

Confession #1793

When you talk about "when we get married," and I know you're never going to ask, that hurts. Please, if you're not going to follow through, don't say anything at all. And then to act like a child and stop talking to me? That's just stupid. Shape up or ship out--I don't need your crap anymore. You make me feel like an idiot for loving you.

Confession #1794

Dear Husband,

You are an amazing man. I wish you could see yourself as I see you.

What I wish even more is that I was deserving of you. I wish I was a better wife. I wish I wasn't so critical. I wish I wasn't such a loner. I wish I could do more for you. I wish with all my heart that I could be a better wife.

I'm working on it.

Things aren't good right now. Things are hard and stressful. But it's amazing because I love more than I ever have.

Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for letting me watch you become the man I know you will be.Thank you for giving me the space and the room to become the woman I want to be. I love you. I love you so very much.

Love,
Your Wife

Confession #1795

I admit that I have confessed a few things on this site. My boyfriend has even recognized a confession or two. But I think that has harmed our relationship. I am trying so hard to be better at telling him what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. It isn't fair that I expect him to read my mind. And women, sometimes it may seem like guys SHOULD know why we're angry. I mean, when they do things that are so obviously stupid, then why shouldn't we be angry? But I think men are just a lot more obtuse than we give thhem credit for. We have different personalities and they just aren't bothered by the same things that they are. If they do something that upsets us and they never change, whose fault is it if we never even tell them that it bothers us? So I am going to promise, from here on out, not to publish a confession on this site. I think it's great for some people. Some women do need to vent and it seems like some women are with men who have no respect for them. But my boyfriend is not like that. He's not perfect, by any means, but he loves me. I know that without a doubt. From now on, I'm going to work on communicating with my boyfriend and telling him what I love about him and tell him what annoys me. I love him and I don't want our relationship to be one in which I can't talk to him.

I love you so much sweetness.

Confession #1796

It started six years ago. At first you blamed your impotence on me for not being a good enough wife and business partner. My lack of ability to do things the way you wanted me to was proof that I didn't love you enough. You wouldn't talk to the doctor about your impotence, you wouldn't even talk to me about it. Our relationship frayed, I was sad and lonely but I loved you and didn't want to leave you or the business we built together.

I admit that I was the one who had the affair. I wasn't looking to leave you or to hurt you, I just needed someone to make love to me. It had been close to three years since you were able to do so. I only saw him a few times over the course of a year, I made sure it was someone you didn't know and I went far out of town. It made me feel better. You found out and I ended it immediately. I know it hurt you terribly but I thought we were both trying to move on. You got an appointment with a urologist. You tried the pills. When they didn't work very well it was my fault again because every time we tried to make love you claimed you got a picture in your head of me with another man. Still, you claimed you wanted to try to please me and you can. But I couldn't do the same for you. You started pushing me away when I even tried. Then you told me I had to ask for it when I wanted you to make me come. I already feel guilty for taking pleasure and giving nothing in return, now I have to ask for it??

You have diabetes. It is a major cause of impotence in men over 40. It's not my fault. I don't deserve this. You refuse to try any of the other available treatments. You don't seem very interested in exploring the world of sex toys.

Lately I've noticed I don't want sex very much anymore. I don't get horny the way I used to. I still love you and want to be close to you, but my sex drive is dying. I'm 43 years old. Sex has been a big part of my adult life. I'm physically healthy and there's no reason I shouldn't want sex except that it's not fun anymore. Today, at my annual check-up, the doctor asked me about my sex life. I almost burst into tears. Do I end 15 years of marriage over this? I know our relationship is difficult at times, but I still love you and I don't know what to do.

Confession #1797

I know I am such a bad person for feeling this way, but there is a
mentally handicapped man that works at our grocery store (actually,
there are several), but this one in particular gives me the big ol'
heebee geebees. I steer clear of him as much as I can, especially
when my babies are with me. He engages everyone with awkward
greetings, he sneaks up on mothers loading kids into cars, and he
constantly invades personal space, and doesn't seem to understand
he's there to work, not chat up everyone he sees. I think it's
wonderful that my grocery store has hired him giving him an
opportunity to earn money and be independent, but he has to learn
simple boundaries. I see other people fleeing in the opposite
direction from him all the time.

Confession #1798

To the man I almost married:

I loved you. I still, after everything that happened, love you. I know you bought a ring, I know you wanted to take care of me, I know that if I called you right now you would come back on your hands and knees, apologizing for what you did, declaring that you've forgiven what I did.

After reading this website, I can't tell you how glad I am that I didn't marry you. I wouldn't have been one of the wives confessing how much I love you, I would have been one of the ones filled with anger and disgust. You would have grown distant and cold; I would have felt trapped; we would have fought for hours on end. We would have been miserable. *I* would have been miserable. Even though I love you.

You're not my soul mate. I deserve someone who understands--or at least attempts to understand--the things I'm passionate about. I deserve someone who doesn't bounce between thinking I'm a perfect goddess, and thinking I'm the devil incarnate; I am neither of those things. I deserve someone who makes me tingle every time he touches me, not someone who makes me feel like a performing monkey in bed. There is a good man buried underneath all that emotional baggage, but you treated me like shit, and I deserve better than you. My daughter deserves a better father than the one you would have been.

I am going to wait until I find the man I can call my soul mate. And if he doesn't show up, then so be it. I would rather be a single mom for the rest of my life than be trapped in a trainwreck of a marriage with a man I cannot respect. I can take care of myself and my baby girl. I will survive without you. And I hope that someday, you'll learn to survive without me.

I love you. But sometimes love isn't enough.

Confession #1799

I am so angry with your parents right now. We have two little kids and you have a job with an impossible schedule. Yet they feel it is ok to dramatically increase their traveling/vacationing and leave us responsible for their very frail and elderly parents. Next on their list is buying a vacation home in another state. They did not ask how we felt about this responsibility, just kept making their plans. You are near the point of being disciplined at your job for your own illness-related absences, and ended up missing work again due to a grandparent's illness while they were gone. I love your grandparents, but we already have plenty to deal with in our own home. And asking you to stop in and care for their dog at 5 a.m. on your way to a 12-hour shift isn't too cool in my book either. They must be in complete denial not to see how much help their folks are going to need soon, and that we are struggling to manage our own life. I wish you'd speak your mind with your parents for a change.

Confession #1800

I love it when you send me an email that simply says, "hi and HUGS and smiles". I love it when you tell me that I make you smile or that you making me smile is always a good thing. I love it when you tell me that I am doing fine, that we are doing fine and you are not running away, that there's no reason to run away. You are the best. I tell you that over and over again and I know that makes you smile.