Saturday, December 01, 2007

Saturday SexChat at TWC Dec 1st edition

Our first question is from a husband:

"I am not a wife but a husband who enjoys TWC which has helped me
recently evaluate my own marriage and relationship with my wife. We
have been married for 25 years with no prior marriages which seems at
time like an oddity in todays world. We are DINKs are marriage has
been good with many of the ups and downs I'm sure many couples face
(and observed by TWC posts). The problem is our sex life is almost
non-existent, not because we do not enjoy sex, but because our
schedules are so different, it is difficult to find a time when we're
in the mood. I work two jobs, get up at 4AM and her job works her
into the early evening (7:30 - 8PM). We share tasks so since I arrive
home before her, I walk and feed the dog, work my 2nd job (business
startup) so I can work from home fortunately. This schedule normally
has us eating dinner around 8:30 PM and frankly once we're done with
the meal and cleanup, I'm exhausted and am lucky to make it to 10PM
before heading off to bed. At that point I not physically or
emotionally prepared for sex. Our weekends are normally as hectic and
sex always seems to not on either of our minds but we both desire to
have a physical relation with one another. I am open to any and all
recommendations on how to get out of this rut and still be capable of
juggling all of the other balls in our life."


Anonymous said...

I would suggest letting those dinner dishes sit overnight every once and awhile in order to get yours and your wifes sexual needs met. A marriage NEEDS intimacy, and a few days of not doing the dishes immediately is worth the gains you and she will experience by making some time for sex. Either that or make it a game, after dinner get nude and wash the dishes together, don't touch each other at all and let the anticipation build for an evening of post dishes nookie!

Anonymous said...

You'll just have to pencil it in - find those little bits of time - let other things go. The good thing is that you don't have kids thrown into the mix, so you don't have to worry about being interrupted. :)

Anonymous said...

My husband and I are also without kids and here are some things that have worked for us:

Dishwasher, plus cleaning service, plus sometimes saying "forget it" and leaving the house a bit dirty in favour of making love instead.

Dropping some of our less close friends--we knew a lot of wonderful people but our social obligations were over the top and frankly we're happier with a bit more time to spend one on one.

Taking my husband's shirts to a cleaner instead of washing and ironing them at home.

Boxed pre-washed organic salad greens. Makes for a healthy and very easy meal.

Online grocery delivery service--you can sign up for standard weekly or biweekly draws, or you can create your own order each time. Delivery fees are usually reasonable.

You'll notice a pattern--most of our solutions involve spending money instead of spending time on things we don't love. Even if your means don't allow for this all the time, there are probably some things that are affordable trade-offs and would allow you and your wife to relax together a bit more.

Good luck!

Unknown said...

i'm not married. i'm told that makes a difference and that i just don't understand the realities, the pressures, etc., etc. that may be true, but i do understand he concept of time. you and your wife make time for everything on your lists because you HAVE to, or at least you think you have to. all of those things you mentioned are must-do priorities. whereas, making time for each other is a matter of convenience or choice or giving each other leftover scraps of time. it can't be that. you have to make time together as important as everything else and as such it HAS to be done.

that said, how do you do it. based on what you wrote, you and your wife have an hour and a half of solid time together every day before you go to sleep. (8:30 to 10:00). that's not a lot. the ladies above gave some very good suggestions, particularly about ignoring household chores. i'll add:

1) eat dinner while you work once or twice a week. i know this is the time for relaxing convo and bonding, but if your wife is able to do the same, then the time you normally reserve for meals is now wide open. (and you can chit chat/bond afterwards as you drift off to a blissful sleep).

2) if you shower before bed, do it together. naked+rubbing+steamy shower=....

3) don't wait to be "in the mood." how many times over those 25 years has your wife not been in the mood but suddenly got in the mood when you hit that spot? sometimes to get it started you just have to do it.

4) something has to go. you're looking for a solution that allows you to continue with these schedules yet still get that magic spark. it might not be possible and you'll have to give up ONE activity a week for a hot, sweaty weekly session. even with your schedule, i'm sure there is one thing in the week you and your wife can do without.

truthfully, i don't believe your schedule could be that hectic so i'm giving you homework (that you can share with us if you wish). sit down and write down an hour-by-hour breakdown of exactly what it is you and your wife do every day of every week. that'll be the starting point of knocking some things off the list.

but if i see bowling with the guys anywhere on there.....

Anonymous said...

I agree with 1:15, you should try penciling it in. It may sound too planned and "forced" in the beginning but after you both get your libido back you'll naturally start to re-incorporate sex into your lives. A lot of married couples have this problem, you're certainly not alone. I hope this works for ya! Good luck.

PS- I DO believe you have a very hectic schedule so don't do the "homework" assignment, use that valuable time with your wife instead.

Anonymous said...

You are going to have to pencil it in. Sure, it may not seem romantic, but at the beginning this is what you are going to have to do. Dishes may sit, and other housekeeping chores may be put off, but intimacy has been put off long enough.

Even if sex isn't going to happen during your scheduled intimacy times, cuddling, talking, foot rubs, etc. are good places to start. The scheduled times of intimacy shouldn't feel pressured, so do what feels good to both of you.

Anonymous said...

Paper plates. One or two times a week, use disposable utensils. Zero clean up. More sex time.

Also if your wife is up for it, quickies can be nice and not as time-consuming.

Jaelithe said...

Schedule a date on a weekend night at least once a month. Not a date to have sex, just a date, with enough time at the end of the evening that you COULD have sex. Make the date early enough in the evening that you won't be falling asleep (because even if you don't have to get up at 4:00 am on the weekends, your body is used to getting up then, so you will still be tired at 10:00 pm even if it's the weekend). Do something fun and relaxing on your date that you both enjoy, whether that's going out to dinner, playing a board game, or going bowling. Do not talk about paying bills, or cleaning the house. Do not talk about work. Do not invite anyone else along (it's not a date if other people come).

And then, once this obviously brilliant advice starts working for you, can come over to my house and babysit my small child, so I can go on dates with my spouse too?

P.S. You might also want to ask your wife directly if she's up for the occasional quickie on a lunch break or something, too, not instead of, but IN ADDITION TO, more, ahem, romantic efforts. You may be surprised.

Anonymous said...

One last thing, stay away from the computer and let her know that the doctor is ready to start open heart sugery on her. Next time she can be the nurse that takes the temperature on you.

Anonymous said...

Where there is a will there is a way.

The Middle Child said...

MAKE TIME, no matter what. Set aside a couple of hours (or more) every weekend where you two can be together. If your not in the mood, go see a movie. You have to make time, it's so important. Start saying "NO" to others who 'need' your time on the weekend and start saying "yes" to your wife and yourself. You deserve to be with one another. After all, if you two aren't close intimately now and you don't make the time to change that, then later on when you do have time, when you retire, etc... you won't bother getting close at that point out of habit and what will it all (the many hours of work and time away from your spouse) have been for?

Be well, and remember, MAKE TIME!

Anonymous said...

When you both finally go to bed at night, put in a porno video. You will soon be "emotionally and physically prepared".

Anonymous said...

Since we are approaching the weekend and Dawn will be posting a new Saturday Sexchat this weekend, I want to thank all of you who took time to post comments and recommedations. There are a few I am certainly going to explore. With all of this said, I would like to say I found the entire experience of posting the problem very enlightening. After taking the time to draft the email and send it to Dawn, I quickly realized their is no magic bullet to my problem, and that the answer lies within myself. It became obvious that I had allowed the marriage to focus more on companionship and over the years, slowly loose much of the intimacy that is so important in a marriage. Sex in a marriage is just like love in a marriage. It takes a lot of work to sustain, especially in a relationship that spans decades. I realized that physical and hormonal changes that occur as we age means that those teen age days where I think I spent more time with an erection than without is today not the norm. Getting aroused and in the mood now takes an effort, first to find the time to be alone and then to work on arousal. It's opposite from my younger days when the arousal just seemed to happen on its own and did not necessitate any effort. So now I understand that my approach to sex and intimacy needs to change and that change has already started. I sent a follow up email to Dawn after I submitted my item for posting telling her that just writing the item for posting completely changed my attitude and I began my journey down the new path to intimacy concluding in my wife and I having a very sensual and exiting love making session (the 1st one in several months), and I am planning on and looking forward many more in the future.

Merry Christmas to all the TWC readers and contributers.

IT Barman said...

To The Frustrated Husband

Good luck with everything and it looks like you have already started the first step by yourself. I hope you have more love making sessions to come

Anonymous said...

The only peice of advice I have, since you've gotten such great advice already is just to open and honest about it.

My boyfriend and I, while not married, still get caught up it the everyday work that life brings and sometimes sex is one of those things that falls through the cracks.

We both talked about it and now when one of us is feeling that need to be closer, that person speaks up and no matter what is going on - whether it's making dinner, taking care of our pets, grocery shopping, cleaning - we stop what we're doing and get to it.

Also in talking about it, we found that us waiting to have sex before we go to sleep never happens, because we're both so tired by that time that we just fall asleep. And as silly as it sounds, if we have dinner - sometimes one or both of us is too full to feel like getting physical. We realized that we're both just lazy. But in knowing those things about eachother, we know plan sex right when I get home - before the shopping or dinner or bedtime or whatever. That way we made sure to have that moment between us, before one or both os us got too tired or stressed or busy.

Anonymous said...

I am married with two kids under 7 and I have not had sex in 4 years...I am ready to cheat to be honest. Hubby does not want sex ever!!

oneman said...

I take it that you are interested in having sex with him, but it is him who is turning you down. There are a couple of obvious things, changes in lifestyle, extra stress (e.g. the children), medical (low testosterone level maybe).

Do you still participate in non-penetration stuff, kissing, fondling, oral, fingering, BJ or HJ ?

I take it you have spoken to him, what was his response and do you trust that he is being honest ?

Anonymous said...

Good for you, frustrated hubby! It's great that you and your wife clearly love each other so much. Good luck gettin' busy!

Anonymous said...

The first comment was a very good suggestion. I would also try and take a day off together... Once a month or so on days when business is not so heavy on both sides. Do nothing but hold, cuddle, sex...etc... be mushy. The major plus side to all the delay in your sex life is that you both are REALLY going to want it.