Tuesday, September 21, 2010

True Wife Confessions 316 Lost

Confession #3151

I have a hundred reasons why I have stayed with him but now after almost 21 years of marriage, I wish I had left a long time ago. By my staying I have taught the kids that I am weak and that it is OK for a man to treat a woman the way he does to me. I feel that I have failed my children and I hate who I have become.

Confession #3152

You are the girliest guy I have ever known. I complement you every chance I get, and it usually gets slapped back in my face. I keep saying the things I say because

1) I want you to know you are these things to me

2) I might want to hear them back more often then once every two months!

Is it so hard to just tell me I'm beautiful as you run your hands down my back? Or tell me I look pretty on the days I actually wear makeup?

But you're SO insecure about everything, even your ability to love me and treat me well, I suffer for it.
We have a wonderful relationship. You are so sweet and gentle, and you're everything I never knew I wanted.

But I often wonder if you don't think these things about me. These things you don't say that I so want/need to hear. Is it because you don't actually think I'm beautiful? I worry that you are only with me because I want you with me.I've always been big on what you think, on your value and your choice in every matter. Do I actually make you happy?

Confession #3153

When you’re working lots of overtime the kids and I don’t miss you as much as I tell you we do. We love you and like to have you around, but by now we’re pretty good at being on our own

Confession #3154

How can I hate and love someone at the same time? You do nothing in the house - then you have day of making it look good on the surface, then dare to yell at me when it starts getting messy again. We both make the mess... We both work. Fucking deal with it, rather than pretending it's not there.

And drinking as much as you isn't good. At all. You might as well be having an affair with beer. It sucks - and the disgusting behavior, the sleepwalking and the constant laying in bed isn't a turn on. Although, paying me no real attention and kissing me like I'm your mother isn't a turn on either. How hard is it to show me real affection? If you can't, then why are you still here?

I've had all kinds of horrible things done to me so that we can maybe have kids. Have you hugged me? No. Have you asked how I really am? Not really. It hurts. Really damn hurts. It's soul-destroying and embarrassing. And you don't seem to care.

You talk to me like I'm in your way. But you can also be so caring and when you ACTUALLY relax, you're wonderful. But you don't ever do that unless you're drunk. It's no way to live.

Which is why I've ended up in an affair. Wasn't planned - keep trying to end it. Not even sure how he feels about me, which is even more isolating at times. But he makes me feel alive - and he wants me. Really wants me and shows me affection that you haven't for years. It's a recipe for disaster, I know it is. But I need to feel something other than desperate loneliness. I hate myself - for this, but also for being so weak that I put up with this relationship. But I love you.

So I'm stuck. Maybe I'm pathetic and weak and trying to have my cake, and eat it. All I want is for you to show me an ounce of real want for me - to show me that you give a shit.

Confession #3155

I sent in a confession last summer. When another man (a mutual friend of ours....someone you would never expect) looked at me and told me that he was attracted to me. That I was gorgeous and funny. Something that you had not done in all of our years together. That was nothing but a harmless verbal fling...that lasted for a few weeks. A flirty text here or there, but I knew nothing physical was going to come of it, and it didn't.

What I did not realize was that it was going to open the door for me to act on the negligence I'd been feeling from you for years. I didn't realize I'd start looking for attention and compliments everywhere I went. I didn't realize that I'd want to go out with my girlfriends just to have someone turn their head to look at me or to compliment me or to ask for my number. I drank too much last summer, to numb myself from the truth.....that I no longer loved you, but I never acted on any of those feelings with anyone else.

We have been married 8 years now...together for 10. I did love you early on. I was young and didn't know that each time you criticized me or laughed at me or made fun of my weight (which at 5'6" and around 130 lbs......WAS NOT FAT) that I would slowly pull away from you. You have spent our entire relationship criticizing my every move and wanting to control me. It's weird though, b/c it never felt abusive in an obvious way.

But now that I am older and wiser and ironically, in even better shape....now, I see that it was emotional abuse. It makes me so sad, b/c you are a wonderful father and provider. You know now that our marriage is in big trouble. You try so hard to never say a word and boy have I tested you just to see if you mean it. I still think you need more counseling and probably an anti-depressant, but I know you are trying.

What I do not know is that if I can ever love you again. Not the way I need to in order to stay in this marriage forever. It makes me so sad....because we have 2 beautiful children together. We have a lovely home, nice cars, and plenty of money in the bank. But it is not enough for me to stay. I don't want to leave now, but instead of looking for attention this summer, I have slowly started to plan my departure. I begged you to listen to me, to love me unconditionally for years....but you either wouldn't or couldn't. I still have hope that something might change for us, but deep down, I feel like I have known for quite some time that this thing wouldn't last.

Almost a year ago I turned to the one man I loved before you. He was unavailable 15 years ago and he still is. I do not feel good about my actions, but he has shown me more love and affection than you ever have. He has reminded me of what I deserve to feel everyday. I'm sure many will say that it is just the normal course of any normal affair, but it is not. We will never be together, I know this. It breaks my heart, b/c I love him again and realize that I did back when I was young too. I can say whatever I feel, be whoever I am and he loves me through it all. He is not going to leave his family and I will not leave you, or mine for him either. I just wish that somehow, you could have seen what you had right in front of you for all those years.

I have spent a decade doing everything imaginable to make you love me. I have dieted, sought counseling, used anti-depressants......everything. And I know now, that the problem was never me.

And now, I have gotten myself in way over my head....b/c I am not dumb enough to think that my feelings for him aren't affecting my ability to love you again. I guess the sad thing is....I just don't know that I want to anymore. I want to feel loved unconditionally.....yes, just as I do with him. And yes, I know it is easy to do that in an "affair" b/c you never have to deal with reality. and no....I am not in search of the kind of infatuated love that happens in the beginning of any relationship. And yes, I know your actions are no excuse to make the decision that I have made over the last year.

I never expected to be here....at my age.....with such sadness in my heart. I will end this affair regardless of what happens with us. I will not see him if I end up single, b/c he is not the answer. But what he gives me and has given me is. Unconditional love, affection, kindness and support. It is a powerful drug and one that caught me completely off guard.

I'm not even angry anymore. I am sorry for my sins against our marriage.....but mostly....I am sad. Sad b/c deep down, I know the truth. And my truth is that I don't love you anymore and likely, never will again.

Confession #3156

Dear love,
Its been 2 weeks since the night we agreed to be friends who see eachother every so often casually. We did this bc of your new department you got transferred to in the pd. 20 hour days are not relationship friendly I know this you know this but it still kills just the same even worse maybe because we still want to be together! I know this is something you've always wanted and its the chance of a lifetime 4 you so I can't and won't hold you back. I don't want to be the reason you have regrets in life, but I also know with out a doubt we are perfect 4 eachother in every way, so to give you up is crushing! I only hope that one day soon we can move forward again as a couple get married grow old together and sail around the world!!! My heart feels empty with out you Come back to me soon!!
All my heart,
Your shooting star

Confession #3157

I love who you are, support you at dificult times and appreciate who you are. But you always shouting at me for not doing things your way. You always think your mama is great and best. I am nothing as compared to her. I did my best to cook for you but I seldom really compliments. I always had to be accomodating and go out with your parents but you unwillingly to go out with my parents!
You always talk bad things about my parents, this hurts me. I admit I treat badly to your parents before but it becasue they are demanding. They demand and expect to accompany them to go out every weekend when I just want some precious moment with you and the kids. BUt this is seldom fulfilled. If you go out with me and the kids, it unwillingly. You love your prents to go with you. When my parents go out with us andthe kids, you will make excuses to go back early. This is unfair.

I wanted to have sex with you but it limited to few times per YEAR. Why? It is because you are exhausted? Or me unattractive?

Confession #3158

I think Robert Browning had it right when he wrote that famous poem. I'm glad chivalry isn't dead, and that we both know we're meant to be together. I'm glad that we have that elusive "true love" that so many people are looking for : an old-soul relationship like Nancy and Ronald Reagan and other people who were married heart, mind, and soul. It bugs the fire out of me that you don't keep the lawn mowed as often as you should, and that you leave your clothes on the floor by your side of the bed, and like video games, but I think after 8 years of marriage that is a really great list, and none of those things come even close to being major issues. I'm glad your mother has common sense and is realistic enough to not be nosy, but is such a kind and compassionate person (maybe where you got it). I'm glad you have the traits that are good in my Dad, but not his personality or problems with dishing out verbal and emotional abuse. I'm glad you're a good listener and try to understand when I tell you about things. I'm glad you are most happy when I am happy and vice versa, and that you have that rare quality of being a truly good lover and never rushing or being selfish. I'm glad I can trust you and when something comes up that causes you trouble, you tell me so that I can hold you accountable. I'm glad you're willing to work to keep our relationship strong and not afraid of commitment. I'm glad we did what we knew was right and created a strong friendship before allowing ourselves to get involved so that when we go through "dry spots" we still love one another's company and companionship. I'm glad you want to have children because the world is painfully lacking men like you, and women who require them. Most of all, I'm glad you're you.

Confession #3159

I am sorry that I set up a trap for you to fall into, and then blew up at you when you did what you thought I wanted you to do. It wasn't fair, and I am sorry. I am so glad we can talk about it - rationally - and I could apologize to you. I love you, and old patterns are hard to correct, but I think we can just keep trying. Thank you for loving me - when I feel very unloveable.

Confession #3160

Dear Co-worker,

When you requested we be FB friends I accepted. When I found out my job was being off-shored and you specifically would be doing my job and I had to train you, I remained your friend. When I posted on my status that I was "disappointed and scared" over loosing my job (never mentioning the company name nor saying anything remotely unprofessional nor defaming to the company), and you told the execs in NYC causing them to jump to erroneous conclusions, then I un-friended you.

Next time, perhaps you should stick with facts instead of letting people jump to conclusions based on your innuendo. Maybe if you did that, then the execs wouldn't need to apologize later. Just a suggestion.


R. said...

#3151: I'm ten years into a relationship just like that. I hope I can find the strength to leave soon... and I hope you do, too.

Anonymous said...

to 3154: My husband kisses me like he's kissing his mother too. And isn't affectionate or fun. Until he's drunk. And then he can't keep his hands off of me, is great in bed, and tells me how much he loves me over and over. It's the only good thing about his alcoholism. If he was a sober cold asshole 24/7 I would have left him a long time ago. It's like being married to 2 different people. Very conflicting and confusing and infuriating. But I said my vows, so I'm trying to stick it out....

Anonymous said...

#3155--if you want unconditional love, get a puppy. There is no such thing as unconditional love between two adults. However, you do deserve to be treated right, and if you are truly unhappy and no longer love this man you need to do both of you a favor and leave. You both deserve better.

Anonymous said...

I have to disagree with the comment above in regard to unconditional love. It DOES exist and CAN exist between two adults. It doesn't mean a flawless or infatuated love, but a love that withstands the errors that come with marriage. My husband was unable to love me through my mistakes, through my being human....and that ruined our love. I do agree with you however, that I need to decide and then move on....for BOTH of us.....not just for me. The choices I have made in the last 2 years have been so out of character for me and I am not proud of them. But I believe with all my heart that I can find and give unconditional love someday.


PS....I had a dog for 12 years. When she died in my arms a year ago...he wasn't there for me and even made jokes about it. That was what pushed me into the arms of the other man. Not a good excuse but at the time it seemed like the final nail in the coffin. But thanks for the tip on the dog. (sarcasm)

Anonymous said...

3155, Him not getting your emotional needs does not justify you cheating on him. You seem to look for justification but you have to realize that no person will ever be able to meet all of your needs. You two had problems and you chose(not forced) to cheat. You need to either tell him or leave him