Wednesday, November 03, 2010

True Wife Confessions 318 pieces of halloween candy

Confession #3171

I have been taking care my dying father for a couple of months. You say that you can't complain, because I have to do it, but then you DO complain. Also, I have begged, whined, yelled, discussed, cried, and politely requested that you help around the house. You always say no, that vacuuming, pet care, etc. is my job, or you just shrug as I run around trying to lay everything out for the week in the three hours I have sometimes on weekends when my family helps. My dad CAN'T BE LEFT ALONE. I am the only one without kids. I bought you a video game for our anniversary, and now feel like I've drafted our divorce papers. You play every waking second, even when I cone home, having been given the night off by my family, who wants me to "have fun with my husband." Little do they know that i'll be ignored for the entire night.

Today you said you didn't want to see me. You were mad that I was upset that you didn't spend time with me when I came home, which you SAID we'd do. Not to mention the house literally stinks at times. I am working full time, caring for my father, taking care of our home and cooking for you, all while you gain weight so you can't fit into your clothes, and play that stupid fucking game. I never knew how truly childish and selfish you really were. You are not a grown-up. You have said you have no respect for me, that you have no respect for anyone but yourself. What in the heck is the matter with you?

My father told me that the money he leaves me is not to go to you, or my sibling's spouse, either, that it's for US. I thought we were one flesh, should share, etc., but now I would say to my dad, fucking-a right! I'm not paying off your irresponsibility just so you can leave or cheat in a debt-free environment. I really love you, and you have your awesome moments, but generally you're being an unbelievable, unhelpful prick. I am sorry, though, that when you said "at least I'm not disabled" I said "it feels like you are". It does feel like that, because you're glued to the couch, but I shouldn't have said it.

My confession is, divorce is not as unpalatable to me as it used to be. Also, with the way you acted today, I believe you're cheating on me. We could have spent the afternoon and evening together. It's a rare and beautifully warm day, but you didn't want to see my face and went "shopping" instead. Weak.

Straighten up, you ridiculous asshole. Grow the fuck up, you gigantic child, before I truly begin to hate you instead of just being pissed.

Ps-at this rate, I think you'd make a shitty father and I'm glad we don't have kids yet.

Confession #3172

You know that dream I told you, where we got married and had two kids? It’s no longer my dream. Your immaturity and your indiference made me realize that I deserve someone who really loves me. Sometimes we’re so busy that we only see each other once a week… so would it kill you to text or call me at least once a day? I’m always the one reaching out, the one who can’t stand days of silence and missing your voice. And you know what? I don’t want to wait around for you to grow up and one day realizing I’m in my 30s and still living in my parents’ house, while you’re still trying (and failing) to graduate. In your mind, you’re still stuck in your teenage years and always will be. You’re a spoiled brat, wanting to live off your parents until you’re old, not having any ambitions of your own! One day I’ll find someone who will walk by my side, not someone I have to drag around like you.

Confession #3173

Sometimes I step back and realize I'm married to a racist, size-ist, sexist alcoholic, and I just can't believe I did this to myself.

Sometimes I believe I let it happen so that you'd be forced to release your carcinogenic anger. (Hey, you're 240 days sober. It's a start.) Sometimes I believe I deserve an open-minded, self-aware husband who thinks before he opens his mouth and spews hate, and even realizes why the hate and disdain doesn't make sense, and that one day I'm going to have one of those husbands, and it'll be you.

But most times I believe I don't deserve any better. I deserve to be stuck here.

Confession #3174

I love you. You are the most amazing thing that has ever been mine. Sometimes I neglect you. I become irratated with my responsibilities and my desires and I forget that you have them too. I forget that it is you, not me, that wakes up and heads off to work at 4:30 AM. I forget that it is you that then comes home and sits beside me, spending your time with me instead of your friends. That it is you that continually reminds me that men are not all bad. And that bad can go good and not just the other way around.

I noticed your absyss yesterday, the one you got from shooting herion before you met me. I looked back at the pictures of us. You're the only man who has ever treated me right and I remembered the story you told me, when you were in prison having withdrawals. Shaking and crying out on a cold prision floor while the guards made fun of you. I wish I had been there then.

Then I remind myself that I am here now. My head on your chest as you caress my bare back and think only of me, not of other women. You are a changed man and you give me the best you can. You deserve the same. I'm sorry.

Confession #3175

He had been looking for me for years, he said. He kept checking all the social network sites to see if I was out there, somewhere (I’m not). And three months ago, after nearly 28 years, he found me through a professional network site. I nearly fainted when I got the first email, asking if I used to be (the name he knew me by). This man was probably the biggest influence in my life on the person I was to become – all in good ways. But he broke my heart. I left him in California, came home to the Midwest and never sought him out again. I wanted to – oh, how I wanted to – but I didn’t. I was too proud.

He’s happily married with two small children – this man who said he would NEVER get married and NEVER wanted kids. He lives in Ireland now. I’m happily married to the father of our two mostly grown children and live 6 time zones away from him.

He told me that he’s thought about me once a week for 28 years and wondered where I was and how my life turned out. My picture is on the website and his 2nd email to me said ‘You’re more beautiful than I could have imagined.’

I probably should have stopped this. But the very idea that he’d been thinking of me even more often over the years than I had thought of him was an ego boost of major proportion.

I didn’t tell my husband he contacted me. We correspond through my work email solely. The messages have settled into a friendly pattern. Nothing will come of this – I quit loving him in that way literally decades ago. But I’m not going to tell my husband.

I’m keeping this all for myself – I haven’t told a soul. I cherish pondering the fact that I truly did mean as much to him as he did to me. It’s a little box of joy I can open in my mind any time that I need it.

Confession #3176

Hi Honey;
I just surfed through some wife rants. Some of these women are hurt and abused, some are just assholes. I decided that I am not going to "let it all hang out", but I will hang out most of it.
Foremost, I love you, I love your mind, I love your body. I wish you would share more of them with me. Your son and I are doing some cleaning, I do not know how far it will go, but we are trying.
I know I am an asshole with the budget, I will try and do better.
You, possibly because you are very tired, have put me through physical hell lately. When we were first married, you wanted sex once, maybe twice a month, and even then it did not seem that you really wanted it. Through the middle years, things got some better, but I still got more sex from my hand than I did from / with you. They say that a woman's high drive years are her 30's, and those are behind us. You now are premenopausal, and I am scared shitless, that the rest of my sex life is going to be like those first years.
We have not made love in nearly two weeks. In the past days, I have been torn apart physically and mentally. Physically, it feels like I have a headache in my prostrate, and the pain from this has gone as high as mid back. Emotionally and mentally, I have been on a roller coaster from hell. I hate masturbation, even though I do it, and I have not done it recently. I WANT MY WIFE.
I have thought about getting a friend with benefits. I have thought about leaving. I thought this morning that its to bad one man can only be married to one woman, that with multiples, there would be more income, more help domestically, and more sex. But that is not right.
I love you, and I guess I love you enough to endure what I am going through. I hate that one of these nights you will be just amourous enough to give it up, and then the hell cycle of "oh, yeah that was nice", "man I miss her", no sex, but cuddle me, "I am coming apart at the seems, its been two weeks", will start again. I am about ready to forget the whole sex thing, but the hell of it is, I am probably too horny to do so.
I am happy with you - you are a wonderful person, but I am not happy emotionally or physically .I need you more, it seems, than you need me. You can enjoy yourself at the computer, and get cuddled when we sleep, and it is enough. IT IS NOT ENOUGH FOR ME, I am dying inside, I want to date you, talk with you, kiss you and F**CK THE SH*T out of you.
I enjoy what sex we have, because I really enjoy / get off pleasing you. I have told you that I need to be touched and how, yet you cannot seem to bring yourself to be interested enough in me / sex to do it. I am really having a tough time here. As hard as I can, I am yours forever, but if I would ever do anything I shouldn't, know that its not all me.
I love you very much, enough to put up with life as it is, and if I can endure it, life with little to no sex. Please don't make me live there
Your Husband

Confession #3177

I love you husband. You are my perfect match in every way. For 8 years we were so close and completely in love. I don't doubt that you love me now, you just love money more. I hate the fact that it is so important for you to work late every night, we are not hurting for money. I understand your need to secure the future for our family, but if you continue to neglect the security of our relationship you will have no family in the future. I never thought I was the type of person to cheat, but I met someone who makes me feel like I'm important, beautiful and alive. We talk all throughout the day. Even though I know it's probably fake, I still enjoy knowing someone will answer when I call and not want to hang up. But he is not what or who I want- I want YOU and I want back what we used to have in the beginning. Please listen to me and don't ignore what I have been saying for so long. I don't want to hurt you but I fear that this man is eroding my thick "I'm married" barrier far more quickly than I thought.

Confession #3178

You make me feel so ugly and I don't know how to stop from hating myself for hating you. Why am I not enough? No matter what I do- no matter what new clothes I buy or how much I work out or how much weight I lose you still don't want me, you still don't touch me, you still hide and find all the ways you can to look at and look for naked photos of other women online. Do you think I believed you that the dating site memberships I found on you really belonged to someone else? The memberships dating back through our entire marriage, engagement, and dating relationship. I don't even know you any more and I worry you are having an affair and just hope I catch you undeniably if you are. You find ways to avoid me and lie and tell me you are too tired for me to touch you. I lied when I pretended I didn't know what that crust in your underwear was. I just wanted you to know I find it. Asshole. I want to save enough money to get the hell out and divorce your sorry lying ass.

Confession #3179

You quit drinking (again-- and hopefully for the last time) and I want to tell everyone how proud I am of you but that would require divulging personal things to people who really don't need to know. But I am proud of you. I can't imagine what you deal with in your head on a daily basis and I wish I could do something to fix that, but I know (and you know, too) that alcohol only makes it worse. I can't imagine my life without you, my mind goes blank, and I would do anything to keep us together and happy. Anything. I love you. P.S. Being sober makes your dick harder---another plus!

Confession #3180

I let you change me. How did i end up here with someone so unmotivated, unconfident, socially awkward and with a beer
belly? I don't understand how a person gets gout so many times and continues to suck food down like a vacuum. To make
matters worse you refuse to see a doctor.

I try and try to encourage and support you in the 9 years we've been together. You have so many resources at your hands
but yet you choose to work in a retail store for someone else instead of creating your own business, which you have the
talent to do. Your boss offered to sell you his business and you are still thinking about it. You are too old for this
shit. Get off your ass and open your own business. I offered to help write your business proposal and even suggested
business investors(your family member's who would say yes) and my help in running your business but yet it's all too
mature and serious for you to discuss ("I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW'). In my teens i made alot of
financially mistakes because of my disfunctional family life. I'm still financially paying for those mistakes and this
is holding me back in my career. I need to get my masters degree and bring this up for discussion all the time. Again
you have the finacial means to help me (us really) but you never say a word. You don't seem to understand that my
(financial) success is also your success. I would do anything in my power to help you improve yourself but i don't seem
to get the same from you.

I'm truly tired of this relationship and want you to be the one to end it. I can't find it in myself to end it with you
for the third time (you get so depressed). I truly thought i loved you and would be with you because we share so many
laughs. I'm tired of staying in all the time. We argue so much because you try to control me and attack my personality because you are unhappy with your own and you really have no close friends. I find your controlling behaviour emotionally abusive and when i say so you become enraged. I'm tired of your jealousy and have explained i will not allow you to dictate my friendships.

Please hurry up and end this because someone else has my attention now and he is just waiting for me and has no idea i feel the same way. I have known him much longer then you and never paid him any attention. Well since he relocated to our city, i just realized he has all the qualities i have always needed in a man. You are not a man but a mama's boy.
I can't even bear to see you naked anymore and would rather masturbate because i find you physically unattractive. And yes you are right when you say people must wonder why i am with you.


Anonymous said...

Confession #3177 and Confession #3179

I love how the wife of an alcoholic/(whatever else crap he has put her through) loves their relationship and only has eyes for him while the wife of a man that is working his a$$ off to try and make a good life for her is giving her attention to another man. Wow!


Constance said...

Thank God for this website. Every time you post the stories again, I feel more sane, more normal, less freakish and stupid for avoiding dating and never having been married.

The pain and misery that is out there from these people who were successful in attracting and keeping a mate is enormous - it isn't all roses and bliss.
It is loneliness and frustration and hurt and anger and secrets and cheating and hell.

Thank you for sharing all of these stories.

Lonely as it is sometimes at age 52 to think I don't have a wedding ring on and someone to share everything with, it makes me realise a relationship is NOT the answer because my image of marriage is a fairy tale and not the reality for most.

Jody said...

Anonymous: You aren't paying attention to what each of these women is saying, separately.

Having a chip on your shoulder with your put-down remark simply reveals an unkindness on your part.

Anonymous said...

3171 - thank your lucky stars you did not have children with this loser. Make plans to leave and move on to better things, you deserve them.

Anonymous said...

To all of you out there (in this post in particular) who DO NOT HAVE KIDS....get out now. Seriously. Don't stick around to try and change the shit that you are currently dealing with. Once you have a are stuck. can leave, but it will never be as easy. I don't have it half as bad as some of these recent posts, but still don't have the courage to leave.....BECAUSE OF THE KIDS. I feel selfish for wanting happiness for myself. If I had known then what I know now...I would have left the first time we had major issues. Not because I wanted him to be perfect, but b/c I knew my heart...that we were doomed. But at the ripe old age of 29, I was afraid that if I didn't have kids then, I never would. What a fool. I don't regret my beautiful girls, but I regret not leaving him then. I regret not knowing that I was worth more than the life I had envisioned with him. Don't stick around thinking you can change him, you can't. Take it from someone who knows.

Anonymous said...

I sent in #3179, dear first anonymous commenter. My husband may be an alcoholic or he may be someone who self-medicates with alcohol (is there a difference?) because his father and mother terrorized him all of his childhood and he now, at 41 years old, suffers every day (and was diagnosed with PTSD).

I am trying TO SAVE HIS LIFE.

I'm not sorry I married him, we don't have any children (because of his past/issues), and we're both doing the best we can to make it. So F off with your judgemental bullshit.

Anonymous said...

#3177 - I understand. I am in the same predicament, and have not actually cheated but it has crossed my mind. I need the attention I used to get. Hopefully your husband wakes up.

Anonymous said...

You need to tell your H. He is working hard to secure a family and you are betraying him all the while justifying it with the "unfilled needs" argument". Talk to him and be honest, don't code your words just be flat out honest

Also, whatever you think you are lacking does not justify lowering yourself to such a disgusting level(a cheater). Your H deserves better, because while you complain about him not paying enough attention to you, you are directing emotions meant for him towards another man. And you know where your relationship with the OM is going