It is difficult for me to feel anything but angry when you criticize me for not cleaning up to your "standards" when you disappear to Yoga for 2 hours. Sorry I didn't get to the living room - I was cleaning out our daughters dresser and washing all of the winter clothes - after she had tried them on to make sure they still fit. So your little tempter tantrum because the living room wasn't "clean" since "You told us to clean it up Two hours ago when you left" makes me want to punch you right in the fucking face.
All of those years trying to get pregnant you never were supportive, excited or really interested. You say you were but damn it! You were not! No IVF or anything too evasive, god forbid you be supportive in an intense venture as that. Take time away from work for your wife and to create a child together? I must have been insane to think you could do this. Skip forward after years of trying to get pregnant to adoption. One failed adoption and you were off the adoption train. Did you care that I spent three weeks depressed and in bed? Why torment me and suggest we adopt a child in our family that needed parents? You knew that was a hopeless possibility. I wonder know if that is why you suggested it? An easy way to dodge children. Never a sweet touch or loving words to give me. No endearments. Everything is about you, your day was worse, your back is much more stiff and sore compared to mine, you work harder, have more stress, WTF! I exist, I am a person, an individual. I am so attracted to another man in my life that if he acts on this attraction we seem to have going on, I will accept his advances with open arms. I hope if this happens I have already found my own place but if it does happen, it happens. I need a release. I need something for me.
I don't know where I am. Six months ago, I would have said, "No way". Now, I find myself fantasizing about being single. I want to finish my degree and be done with it. I want to find a job. I want to know that I can make it on my own.
You've never done anything wrong. But I get the feeling that as much as you try to control your temper, you're really not doing a very good job. Our kids deserve better than that. I remember telling you 6 months ago not to make me choose between you or the kids. I will choose them. Because they deserve to not be in a house where they are afraid of your reactions.
Why is it that one person can make you doubt your whole life? I remember that's how it was when I met you. You made me think of things in a new way. You make me believe that I deserved it. Now I want a change again. But everything is against me. I just want what I have now, but extra.
You told me it was OK that I am in love with two men. But what good does it do me if I can't be with him? How am I supposed to give you what you deserve when all I think about is him? How do I get that rush back with you?
It would be easy if I could forget how I feel about him. My skin feels like fire every time I see him. My heart races.
Sometimes I feel like marriage is a trap.
My husand is a dirty stinking pig. I woke up this morning and he had wet the bed, the second time this year. We went to a party with some friends and he drank way too much, much more than anyone else at the party did, and embarrassed I made us leave early. But it didn't stop there. When we got home he insisted on staying up for a few more hours drinking a lot more beers. I went to bed by myself and was asleep when he joined me. I was only woken up by the disgusting feeling of wetness all around me and a second later all I could smell was horrible urine. I jumped straight in the shower and scrubbed myself all over, he can clean up the bedroom when he wakes. I'm sick of this dirty bastard because he has a drinking problem but I still want to be able to go to partys with friends yet remain responsible but how can I go without him? I think I'm gonna quit, let him wake up in his own piss by himself!
After many happy years of marriage I began an affair with a woman who was also married. The whole thing was about sex, in fact the moment I met the woman I wanted to make love to her, and I never stopped trying until it happened. The affair lasted over 2 years, and it wrecked my marriage. The woman, who I'll call Ann (not her real name) was a full and experience lover who encouraged me to do every sex act I wanted with her, she let me cum in her mouth, she swallowed me, which my wife never did. It made me feel like I was in heaven. Guess that makes me a sexual pig or something....But she was more important to me than my own family for a long time.
What part of "I don't want a big ring or fancy wedding, I just want some romance" are you not getting? Seriously any proposal will beat the last one I got from my ex that involved me being 3 months pregnant stuck at a house party on Halloween and being woken up at 4 AM by a stoned and inebriated ex saying "We should get married!" ANYTHING would beat the pants off that, even if you just proposed with a latte.
sometimes I would like you to look at me with dessire and kiss me and then make love to me... so I wouldn't have to come downstairs to grab a beer and play online games because this is another of many nights that you just want to snore... sometimes I feel so lonely even though you are right there... sometimes like now I wish I could intimate with you and be in your arms but it looks like more than one night of that a month is too much to ask... you are just 33 and are already so indifferent about me... I wonder how is going to be when you are 53 and I feel scared...
I am sad today. I think you are getting closer to the day when you will finally declare that you were not cut out for this. Closer to the day when you return to when the biggest thing you had to worry about was which shirt you were going to wear and when you would go to the tanning salon. I know that getting an instant family is difficult - but we love you. We have loved you all this time... and all these years. More than anything... yet daily you are frustrated by us - by them. They are only being children - very good children I might add - and have every right to make mistakes. Please let them. Let them spill milk and mess up their rooms once and a while without making them feel like monsters. You have turned into a negative, self involved person - and living here with you watching that is breaking my heart. I don't want to make them invisible. I don't want to be invisible myself. I miss you already... and you're not even gone.
I will love you until the stars fade from the sky. I promise you. And I will miss you until the day I die. My biggest regret will be that I couldn't fix this. I'm not even sure what is broken.
When i first found out the you liked me i didnt know how i felt. We worked together and youre a notorious flirt. I never took you seriously. But i gave in. You charmed the pants off of me, literally. But im glad you did. I just got of a long, bad relationship with someone who didnt even kiss me, let alone make me feel good. It had been two years since i had a man make my knees weak just from kissing me. You make me laugh, youre caring and sweet. And you have this dangerous quality about you that i love. The sex is amazing. You make me feel so wanted, like you cant get enough of me. Ive never had such hot sexy, dirty, passionete sex with someone. You tell me how much you want me..when we worked together we had this secret dirty naughty thing going on the no one else knew about..i loved our pretend cigarette breaks, which were really an excuse to go to your truck and make out. Basically, i was broken and you fixed me. I was so sad, so heartbroken after the last man..i felt like i was perpetually sad for months. And after the first time we spent time together i felt something change in me. Now about you..you got married so young. You have two beautiful children that i know are your entire life. Your ex dangles those kids over you like a horse with a carrot. You cant go out late if you have them, cant go out with friends, and dating me pisses her off beyond belief. You have no custody agreement so its a constant battle to not piss her off or else you cant have the girls. Anytime something you do isnt to her standards or how she wants then the threat to move away with them comes along. You got pulled over with three grams of pot two years ago and now thats on your record..and in the state that we're in isnt going to give the dad w a pot charge 50/50 custody. So it's a double edged sword..youre an amazing father and they adore you. I see the look in your eyes when you tell me how she got mad about something and is saying she'll take them. I feel like a total asshole getting upset about how you bend to her still..but i understand why you do. Which is why i dont say anything.
I used to love you
Over 40 years of picking up after you, calming upset neighbours, making excuses and putting up with your put downs and control. I cannot understand why I am still here.
I get nothing from our relationship. We were both trained for high income work and I did so much better than you, had offers which I turned down to have children for you, who were not in my life's plan when young
I helped you promote your career to the detriment of mine and when you suddenly landed into the big money [we previously had equal incomes] you wanted to change from joint to separate bank accounts, and pay me '' housekeeping''.
You then got me pregant again and renegged on the housekeeping.
With 3 children under 5 and one on the way I could not earn andtou used to ''forget'' to give me any money- for up to 8months at a time. You must have enjoyed the poer it gave you to have me begging .
You were earning a quarter of a million and used it as a power base to control me.
I aked why you would never help with the children and you grandly said ''You would reduce me to housework !''. What do you think you had done to me?
I gave up my career for yours- then you pitche d yours away and stopped working
You had affairs and left me then decided you wanted me back. You cam ebegging. Why did I take you back?
I cannot explain that, but it was the worst thing I did - after marrying you.
You have few friends apart from the bottle.
You cannot relax without alcohol.
You are domestically lazy and unhygienic.
You never pull your weight in the house. You come in after I have cooked and washed up, and done half the drying and putting away , and say you will help.
You do half the remainder and walk away leaving the mess and claim to have done the lot.
If you mow the lawn there are huge grass tufts left growing everywhere.
YUou are always breaking promises.
You never do a job properly or finish it
Our children recognise this too.
You were never there when they were growing up and they are angry
You were out ,big-noting yourself with male organisations, Always with drinking involved
You were not there when our child had an accident needing prolonged hospitalisation.
You were not there to guide our children who now have far reaching problems for which they blame you.
You are totally engaged in self fulfilment and self-stimulation and cannot face the real world without your alcoholic prop.
It would be nice if you could contribute regularly to the housekeeping instead of bringing home food to cook a meal once in 3 weeks [and telling my friends you do all the cooking]
It would be nce if you did not dirty the floor, walls and windows if you cook a meal.
I wish you would stop treating my purchased supplies like a supermarket and buy some regular supplies yourself. I hate seeing you scratch your way through my purchases to pick out what you like.
I remember a boat trip to the islands near your birthday time years ago. I was making you up a gourmet gift basket and had hidden some smoked salmon etc near the back of the bottom fridge shelf. to put onto it at the last moment.
You grandly announced on the island. ''Look what I brought for you'!Don't say I don't think of you.'. It was the salmon for your gift. that you proudly displayed.
Could you not think to dactually BUY something nic efor me - fancy stealing my gift for you!!
Since then you have repeated this act several times.
I see you getting old and losing your physical and mental ability and it is dragging me down with you.You don't want to do anything but sit
I think daily of leaving you but have not
I don;t know what would happen to you if I left. You have only one friend in the world apart from your family [and some of your children don;t want you too much]
We are old. I am still working and you are doing just a little.
I am too busy to leave. Maybe too old to get up and go.