Monday, August 16, 2010

True Wife Confessions 315 gumballs in a machine

Confession #3141

I love you so much. I know it's not your fault you have to be in Afghanistan. I know you didn't want to go, that you never wanted to go. I know you call me every chance you get, and I know you're counting down the days until you can come home to me, just like I am. But sometimes, even though I try so hard not to, I still feel angry. Angry that you're gone for so long, angry that I'm here by myself, angry that I spent our first wedding anniversary without you. I don't know how not to be angry about these things. Most of all, I'm angry that you never tell me how you feel over there, even when I ask. I know you have to feel something. I would rather hear how you're doing, really doing than listen to a list of tasks you completed on a particular day. When we only have ten minutes to talk on the phone once a week, it's important to know what emotions you're experiencing. Because sometimes, I feel angry because I'm afraid you might not feel anything at all. And me? I feel everything. Sad, scared, angry, depressed, listless, small, weak, pitiful. If you think I need you to be the strong one, to pretend everything is fine so that I don't worry, that's not true. I just need you to still be you. Please still be you, now and when you come back to me.

Confession #3142

I broke your heart today. It is the last thing I wanted to do. I did love you very much and I know after everything your love for me was unwavering. I am trying to convince myself that ending this three year relationship was the best thing for the both of us. Things were great.. as long as I never asked you (in as nice way possible) to help with chores or pick up after yourself. You know my life's dream was to travel but every time I even mention a place I would like to go one day you immediately sigh at me and get irritated. I didn't like your lack of foresight You have a $50,000 school loan that you have no intention to pay back. Don't you see how that will ruin everything? You wouldn't be able to finance anything like a house or even college for your future children. I tried to nicely suggest a cleaning schedule so you could help me, but you immediately started shouting at me. I'm tired of mopping up your piss around the toilet bowl. I'm tired of the piles of clothes around the apartment and garbage everywhere. I'm tired of you accusing me of cheating on you every week even though I have never done so.

But you did love me and I loved you, and when you started shouting at me that day I realized I couldn't even sit down and talk to you about things that concerned me. I was never able to. I just hope that I am right to end it. I am an odd girl and you loved me for it. I don't think anyone else will. All in all... I hope you find someone who loves you and wants to take care of you, and have your children. When you look at your first born baby in the eyes I hope you see that it is the best day in your life and you couldn't have had it with me. There will always be a special place for you in my heart. I hope you treat this as a new beginning, and not an opportunity to become even more bitter. I love you until the day I die.

Confession #3143

for the husband of my heart; my one and only fish, my Boyo, whom I live with now: I love you so much. You are my friend, lover and soul mate; I feel safe (and very hot!) with you. I know you'll always be there for me. (This sounds so cliched) You have healed so much in my life. I am forever grateful.

Confession #3144

to my (thankfully) EX of five years:

When I first thought about doing this, I worried that it would be PAGES long: there were just so many things I was angry about. But as time has passed, I find i am no longer interested in complaining about your coldness, your lack of interest in me for 20 years of marriage, your blaming me for everything that went wrong and calling any request, be it ever so politely phrased "character assassination." I no longer care about those things. there is one thing i will not forgive you for. You intentionally and systematically alienated our daughters during the divorce. These are the children who were the whole point, you realize, for me marrying such a humorless, unimaginative and emotionally unavailable - not to mention sexually unavailable - in the first place. I wanted a child (you had no opinion, really) and T was born. Five years later when I got pregnant again you fought me tooth and nail until I miscarried. Two failed pregnancies later, I had S, thanks little to you and mostly to my own feeling that I had to make some sense of the bitter thing that was our marriage. I mothered and cared for them; the happiest times of my life (before now) are when I was raising them. I love my daughters more than I have ever loved anyone. You might have come to love them - as much as such a smug, self-righteous son-of-a bitch can love anyone - but i wanted them before they existed. Of course I made mistakes, but not from lack of love. They were 21 and 14 when we separated. "I'll take them with me," you snarled when I told you I wasn't moving, you were; I wanted to stay in the house where I'd raised them.

I remember when the younger daughter was being a bitchy teen, around the time just before you finally moved out - I knew she was upset about something andI wanted to talk to her but you refused to let me(!). When I insisted you sat in on the conversation and I still remember (you can bet she does too) you screaming at me "She doesn't have to listen to this!" which effectively ended the conversation. I decided not to pursue that because I could see how miserable she was. I worked hard to keep connected with her despite you badmouthing me at every chance. Her sister is older and saw through this fairly quickly (I didn't raise stupid children) but S is too young and too vulnerable and you succeeded with her. When I couldn't afford to live in the town where S went to school you agreed to let me see her in your house when you were out of town (the only time I ever saw her; fortunately it was quite a lot of the time, good parent that you are. (Yeah,I know; you called her on her cell every day.) then as soon as I had moved you changed your mind and said you had "been advised" it might not be "legal" for me to spend time with my 15-year old daughter in your house and I was reduced to inviting her for dinner every other month or so. And she was left lone while you went to conferences and visited your girlfriend.

S has had many difficulties in the time you have been the primary parent; the worst being when she had a nervous breakdown you failed to mention until she was actually in treatment. I don't blame all this on spite for me, although there is clearly a lot of that. Most of it is just your pig-headed conviction that if it works for you and doesn't cause you any trouble, it must be right. S is very mature; she can take car of herself. if she doesn't talk to anyone about anything, that's convenient since you really don't have time, emotional inclination or parenting skills to talk to her anyway. Fortunately, S has an intelligent and caring older sister, plus a good "alternate family." I love her and am still devastated by the rift between us. Maybe if you had given her some of the affection and care she I wasn't allowed to, I might eventually get over this. As it is, I will never forgive you.

Confession #3145

This would be my first confession. Im not even sure on where to begin, i have so much to say, so much to write, so much emotions that im going through.Ive known my husband for over ten years and things were good at the beginning but once i moved in with him, it was a whole different story. You learn so much about each other and you wished you never moved in or gotten married.... So move on to 8 years later, we are married with two kids, I can honestly say life has gotten so difficult that no one expects it. The love that once was there is all gone, the communication is gone. He really is a nice guy and supports us financially but that's it. Im pretty enough for guys to check me out but my husband doesn't even glance my way.Im young, pretty, fit, great personality (i feel like im selling myself here), im funny and i get along with so many people but not my husband. We do argue more than anyone i know that is if we are communicating, I have a high sex drive and he doesn't so im always being left out in the cold. I need more than life. I have been feeling this for the past two years now. Our life has not moved on, yes we have two kids but i need more in life. I need the excitement of seeing someone that you love, the connection that you only can get from a loving spouse. I need a house, i need to hear the "i love you" at least once in a while. I would love the hear i miss you, im thinking of you, what the hell just let me hear something besides 'can you do me a favor'. No screw you and your favore. So to my husband, you are a fucking slob, too lazy to pick up your dirty socks off of my kitchen counter, too lazy to pick up your dirty underwear from the bathroom, too lazy to look at me, too lazy to kiss me good bye or hello, but not lazy enough to ask for dinner or to mention your thirsty. I would love a break, I need a break from you because im so fed up with life. When i look at you I feel nothing, I do not feel like a wife but a roommate, I doubt this will last forever....

Confession #3146

7 months ago I found out you were cheating on me, by going through your texts since you had been acting so strange. You tried to deny it with a smile on your face and laughing, telling me I was crazy but I knew better. Then you finally fessed up and said we were done. I spent 8 years doing everything for you, taking care of the kids, keeping the house clean, cooking dinner every night, you always had clean clothes and your uniforms were ironed. I put my life on hold and moved every time the military demanded it. Moving 7 times in 8 years was not fun. Nor was raising the kids alone while you were gone for 10 months straight TWICE while you voluntarily deployed to Iraq. You treated me awful while I was pregnant with our daughter and you were in Iraq, because you didn't want another kid, and was mad that it was a girl. It takes TWO people to make a kid, I can't help it that the hormones in birth control didn't agree with me and that you refused to use a condom. So now you are in another state and blaming me for our financial trouble....the problem that you created! All those bills that are racking up- all you. I barely have enough money for groceries and gas every payday but you can spend $345 in four days in ATM withdrawls. Who knows where that is going. But now, you are going to Afghanistan to 'get the debt paid down and get rid of me'. Someday the kids are going to see you for what you are. Taking them for 4 hours is not 'taking them for the day'. You want to go out and have fun with them and bring them back to me like they aren't your responsibility also. They are still our kids, you need spend time with them. And I really mean it when I ask you not to bring your whore around them. You and the whore sleeping in the same bed when our kids are staying the weekend with you is NOT ok! She shouldn't be there in the first place, spend time with her on your own time, not the kids time! Don't worry, she is ten years younger than you, I am sure she will get sick of your crap soon enough. Oh, and as for trying to move your pay deposit and not giving me enough to support and take care of our kids? Well, my lawyer and the military will have something to say about that. I know it burns your butt that I haven't 'worked' for the last 8 years, but taking care of the kids is a full time job, and the fact that you can't take care of them, your apartment and cook for a weekend should tell you something! I would be heartbroken for my kids, but I don't know if I want you to make it back from Afghanistan. You have made my life hell and I am ready to move on.

P.S. You really should answer the phone when I call. You would never know if there was an emergency with the kids if you don't answer, and NO I will NOT text you in the event of an emergency because I am sure I will be otherwise occupied! Besides, it's not like I call to harass you like you do to me!

Done with you and your bull

Confession #3147

If I have slipped away to a little-used guest room to read a novel with the door closed, I might be able to listen to your hopes, dreams, worries, and concerns about the mosquito bite on your shoulder but I doubt I can do it without the annoyed look on my face. GO AWAY.

Confession #3148

about 80% of the time I hate you. I hate you for your illness and I hate that you are such a selfish prick. You say you love me, but nothing you do on a regular basis shows you have any respect for me in a practical way. I do 99% of the things in the house. Would it KILL you to cook when you know I hate it? So that instead of coming home from a 10 hour work day that dinner was cooking instead of me having to put my bags down and get out pots and pans? Could you put a f-ing dish in the dishwasher? Get off your ass and DO SOMETHING. I work. I don't care that you don't, but it seems like you might feel the tiniest bit of guilt over the fact that I work 50-60 hours a week and still do the laundry, cooking, shopping, etc. But it is not worth my time to tell you any of this, because it just makes my life more miserable. The idea of you pouting around being a wounded big two-year-old is completely not worth it. Besides, you would probably f-up what you did anyway..... you don't like stress, right? God forbid the least little amount of stress enter YOUR life. God forbid you have to fill out a FORM or something. You are like being married to a 12 year old. I frequently wish you would just die. Your health sucks anyway. Just go. You smoke like a flippin chimney, so let's just get it over with. You know why I don't nag you to quit? Cause I'm ALL FOR IT. Smoke away ass-hole. Shave another 10 years off my sentence. I frequently wish you would have been successful in your bid to kill yourself. My bad luck. Ah well. I am detached. You do whatever the hell you want. I have a full up life and refuse to let your sad-sack self drag my ass down.

Confession #3149

You are so handsome when you smile - really smile. I remember the man I fell in love with when I see you like that.

Confession #3150

ok, i'm really starting to resent you, dear husband. i don't think you realize how difficult it is to be alone with 5 week old infant and 2 dogs 20+ hours a day. you go to work at 7pm and get home around 8am. then you walk the dogs and go to bed and sleep until around 3:30 or 4pm. then you get up, walk the dogs again, eat, shower, and go back to work. sure, i know you have a tough schedule too (and i appreciate that you work hard so i can stay home with our son), but at least you get to sleep. i'm up all night long feeding our son and changing his diapers. i get to sleep maybe 2 hours at a time IF I'M LUCKY. and when i complained about being tired you actually said, "maybe YOU should go to work and I'LL stay home" i guess you think taking care of an infant (with absolutely zero help at all) is easier than dealing with stupid fucking retards who go to the ER for stupid fucking shit that doesn't even warrant going to the fucking work in a country bumpkin ER, not a big city ER where they actually get patients with serious issues. sorry, but i think my "job" is harder than yours is. i'm lucky if i can finish feeding our son his bottle without falling asleep and dropping the bottle on him sometimes. i'm lucky if i can take a shit in peace, or wolf down a bowl of cereal, or shower! and you never have to listen to our son scream...and boy, can he scream! and you don't have to try to make dinner and keep our son from screaming at the same time. i swear, if i WAS single, i would just eat cocoa krispies for every damn meal. i never even feel like eating the dinners i cook for you...i'm too fucking tired to eat! and you go to work and get to talk to other people. i socialize with our son and our dogs...don't get me wrong, they are all pretty good company (mostly when they are all being quiet and calm). in fact, they are all probably better company than you are. you have also said SEVERAL TIMES, "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED A KID." holy fucking shit...if i hear that one more time, FISTS ARE GOING TO FLY!!! sometimes i feel like packing up the van with our son and the dogs and just driving back to nj where i have family and friends. i am not enjoying feeling like a single mother with a roommate who is never here. and i've been doing this BY MYSELF ever since getting home from having the weren't even here to help me out when i was trying to recover! the one time when i did wake you up to take care of our son so i could attempt to get SOME sleep you got all pissy with me! WTF??? you might as well go out and get yourself a girlfriend if you want to have sex ever again too because i'm too fucking tired and i didn't ever enjoy it before anyway...i only did it to try to keep you i don't care about keeping you happy...i just want to sleep when i can and try to keep SOME of my sanity...


Lisa said...

#3150 - SING IT SISTER!!!!!!!!! Being a mom is the hardest job ever, especially with a spouse who does not help AT ALL.

Miss K said...

I feel your pain! I'm a 3rd shift wife of 2 as well!

Vixen said...

#3150, calm down. I work nights in a hospital too and it's hard HARD work. Whether it's a small ER or not, people are always coming in, which means he always has patients, and can't go to sleep on the job. He has people's lives in his hands. I get home at 8 and sleep until 5; and God help my husband if he even deigns to wake me up to change diapers or any shit like that before then. AT least your hubby walks the dogs for you and tries to pitch in even though he's tired. And working night shift is unnatural on the body, one is TIRED all the time. Even on my days off I'm still tired. So please, cut him some slack. Maybe you should have someone watch the kid for a couple of hours during the day/night while you sleep, and get rid of the dogs if they are causing you so much stress. Appreciate the fact that your man is working hard to allow you to stay home. And if you take the kid, dogs and run, your life is going to be worse, not better. Reality check hun.

Anonymous said...

Get rid of the fucking nasty ass dogs living in your house

Anonymous said...

Its good to know someone still values their marriage.

If you're too annoyed then why are you with them?

Anonymous said...

Odds are good that if he opens up to tell you what he's really feeling and thinking, he'll lose it completely. Please let him push everything out but the tasks he has to do, while he's still enduring the trauma. There's probably a lot of hell in his mind that takes a lot of work to keep at bay, and to allow the dam to fail for a ten-minute weekly conversation with you may not be worth the price - to him, to his colleagues, to you. Let him make it back, and then help him feel again. But while he's still there it's got to be too much.

been there said...

3141 --- I promise you that there is one thought that keeps your husband going, and that is the thought of you. He may not be able to say it, because if he did he would break down. He can't tell you what he does, because he doesn't want to worry you. He can't tell you everything because the military doesn't want him to tell you anything. It isn't easy for either one of you. Get yourself involved in something else... this will help release the anger... good luck

Anonymous said...

Number 3150 -- please go online and find out where there is a Mothers of Preschoolers group at a church near you. You sound LONELY and what you really need is some friends who are going through the same thing you are. You need to go someplace once a month (or more often) with daycare and snacks and lovely older women who will give you advice and take care of you. It will definitely save your sanity. It saved mine!

monicac2 said...

#3147, ROFLMAO - too funny and I can totally relate. I'll never forget that I drew myself a bath (which I NEVER DO), lit candles, dimmed the lights, when in comes my husband, like, "Oh wow, this is great - can I join?" "Did I ask you to join?! Hell no, you can't join!" (of course I didn't say that) - I wanted to say, "take a hint - GO AWAY!"

Anonymous said...

#3141. I'm a woman in the military, and a wife and a mother. We might not always completely understand what it's like for our families at home without us, but we know it's hard. We miss you like crazy and count the days. We don't always have the time or the privacy to tell you how we feel; but you are always in our thoughts. You sustain us. Reunions are not always easy as we try to fit back into the new space forged by our absence. But it's where we want to be. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

#3142 - Brave. It must be hard. You're a good example of a strong women; loves but leaves. Sometimes we have to. Good luck.