When my mom was dying, I trusted you to take care of the kids, and yourself. What I didn't expect (since this was not the first time you'd been left with the kids), was that you would fall completely apart. You called me every night being whiney, complaining of chest pains, and how "hard" it was doing "all the kidstuff".
I was spending every second I could with my mom, and yet, you were constantly calling me. You did not stay at practice with our son, OR arrange for someone else to stay, even though that was a requirement. You did not go to our daughter's OPENING night. You told the son you had to be with the daughter, and told the daughter you had to be with the son. Instead, they both ended up alone. You are the adult. I am not saying you don't have feelings and concerns, but YOU are the grown up. YOU should have been comforting them. Their granny was dying, and I was in a scary place for them.
Instead? You just played video games or slept. You didn't interact with them at all. You did not clean, EVEN BASIC cleaning. The kids actually called me complaining about the house. You did not cook. Often left the kids to their own vices. You went to bed before they did, did not enforce bed times. You can not leave kids that young to their own vices!!
You went to the hospital with a panic attack, and cost us hundreds of dollars because you thought you were having a heart attack (You KNOW that wasn' t the case, you've had panic attacks before).
When I got home? The house was a wreck. I mean a nasty health hazard wreck. Gnats everywhere, all through the house. The only cleaning done had been done by the kids. I came in after 2 weeks of caring for my dying mother, lifting her, turning her, washing her, being on my feet or in an uncomfortable hospital chair for 12+ hours a day, and a goofed up flight, to having to clean the house, with bleach. (And on my best day? I am in constant pain, and because I am a mom, I don't take narcotics.)There was even an inch of cat litter on the bathroom floor. EW.
It has been a year, and I am still hurt and angry. Each time the collectors call for your medical bill, I get angry all over again. In two weeks time you lost your kids respect, and mine. When we try to talk to you about it, you go defensive and imply that the kids should have done more to help you. Perhaps they could have, but YOU ARE THE ADULT! The resentment that has built for them in the time since, is going to be hard to undo, because you are now resentful of them too, as though they betray you by not being little grown-ups.
I love you. I do. I want this to be behind us. However, if you continue to be so resentful, I will leave. Period. I do not deserve to live like this. The children do not. YOU do not. Please get your act together.
I love my daughter but sometimes want my old life back. Don't think am mother material. I find lots of things a struggle when they shouldn't be. I have put on loads of weight and feel disgusted in myself. Have no sex drive. Husband understanding - says I don't disgust him which is nice. I used to have such self control and discipline - not any more - am like a leaf in the wind. Am trying to get healthy have joined WW, got all the manuals and not read a word as yet. Am on medication and getting counseling but gonna take time to break these habits and get my old self back - however she is. This is all I have to say hate talking about myself it seems self - indulgent and attention seeking
I do the best I can and have done for 18 years, 10 of which we have had children. You are pessimistic, cynical and antisocial. I am opptimistic, positive and social. You are miserable, angry and stressed out permanently. You have smoked dope for most of your adult life and suffer from depression, (what comes first the chicken or the egg? dopey). You want to be the boss in the house and have control over our domestic life. You speak to our 7 year old soon like rubbish, call him an idiot and a dickhead and go off your head when he comes in for a cuddle on the weekend, by screaming "Get Lost!", nice. You criticise everything I do and say, passively agressively. You think you are always right and that smoking dope every single night, sometimes 3 or 4 times is not an issue. You have health problems and have been told that if hyou don't stop smoking or being so stressed you will have a stroke. We go away for our anniversary ( the 2nd time in 10 years) for one night and you don't even hold my hand when we are walking to the restaurant or out and about. You never say you love me and call me Grandma every night when I say I am going to bed. You will not go out for a date night and when we have gone out with other friends or family members you speak to everyone like rubbish and make everyone miserable. ( that has only happened 2 times this year) and only then you made sure you made me cry and upset before and during each event to punish me for asking you to go out as a family. You walk out of the house every morning without saying goodbye to anyone. This is no life, no way to have a family life and no way to have a marriage, I hate you so much. And I can't believe you have gotten away with it for so long. I am scared about starting seperation but what other choice do I have?. I can't stay with you anymore.
To my husband:
You are a wonderful husband. I am so lucky to have met you. We have a beautiful daughter that you are an amazing father to. When you're at work all day I think the sweetest thoughts about you. I count my blessings. I count the minutes until you return home each day. And then I bitch and moan about everything. I never want to have sex. I hardly let you touch me and I'm rarely affectionate. I have no idea what my problem is. You're going to get fed up one day, I know it. Why wouldn't you? But I love you deeply and I'm sorry I don't show you.
I started an affair in October last year, I thought it was just about the sex.
Now its been 9 months and I have fallen in love.
Thats the reason why I hate spending time with you.
Thats the reason why I don't come home after work.
Thats the reason why I can't look you in the eye.
Thats the reason why I don't tell you I love you anymore.
Thats the reason why I want to tell you that I will leave you.
But WHY can't I tell you that I want a divorce and be with HER?
Truth be told I'm madly in love with you and I wonder every single day since the day you asked me where you could find the hoses what I did to get so lucky! I can see that you feel the same, ill tell you soon, but in a funny way I like not saying those 3 little words bc your actions are saying it for you, and just 4 the record, you are the only man I want to wake up to for as long as I keep waking up!
After 13 and a half years, I wish that I could appreciate all you do and the father you are to our 3 kids. I'm too busy focusing on everything you don't and have never done for me. I know I sound ungrateful and jealous. I'd never take you away from the kids for a second but I wish SO much that you had a better balance and the ability to not say the WORST possible thing to me in any given situation, every fucking time. I love you and you are a wonderful daddy but you really suck as a husband.
You used to think I didn't love you because I wasn't interested in sex. Now that I am, you say you've never felt so loved. That's ironic because the reason I'm so horny lately is because I've been exchanging erotic emails with an old friend. Your old friend.
why do I fantasise about my 30 year old, six foot four, all muscle personal trainer? He is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.When I'm training with him I am so distracted I can't take in the instructions he is giving me! Am I selfish and self absorbed? All my friends tell me how much you love me and how lucky I am to have you and I want to love you exclusively but some how I can't live up to this ideal. My personal trainer doesn't give a damn about me and I am not stupid enough to ever think he would but seeing him energises me. I never think of him when I have sex with you - that would make me feel terrible - but I am so conflicted. When we went away alone together without the children for the first time in seven years we had a lovely, loving, sexy time together and I thought you would want to do that again as much as I did. But you just said it was too hard. Maybe if you just acted as though you wanted to spend time with me and that it was not a chore my personal trainer would vanish from my thoughts. Then again, maybe not. The trainer is sooo hard to resist!
Dear Husband of 15 years,
You're an asshole. You're a creep. You're an idiot.
I discovered last year how much of one you are. You have been cheating on me/us since day one with married and single women, with prostitutes, and possibly with men as well. You had the audacity to inform me that with two of these women you led them to believe that you were going to divorce me, marry them; so they could be your new wife and mother to our 5 children. Both of these women you confessed were prostitutes. The reason you told me you wanted to marry them was because they were pretty and had a job. What standing on the corner? You're 10 years older than me and these women were even younger than me. You're a pervert.
You're dirty. You smell. You rarely ever take a bath. You never brush your teeth. And most of the time you never shave. You're sick. And you wonder why. You look and smell like throw up and ass.
You preach to everyone that will listen how much of a good guy you are and that's why our children are so well behaved. You're stupid. You say how important it is to tell the truth and be truthful and seek the truth. You say you have morals and values, etc. You profess to be a Christian. You're a retard.
You're a coward.
Whatever I felt good for you has been destroyed. And somehow, our counselor told me, I was just to get over this. That you couldn't help it. That you were/are a sex addict. Both of you are full of SHIT.
The paycheck is nice though. I now have full control over all of it. Anything you pay her or is it him for a quickie bj in the parking lot will have to be with spare coin change that you accidentally find laying around. Good luck hunting for pennies! The kids and I will no longer go without because of your spending it on your selfish dirty self.
No one understands why I have stayed. I don't expect them to.
Happy 1st Discovery Anniversary - loads of sarcasm.
Here's to wishing you were dead instead,