Monday, February 04, 2008

True Wife Confessions 235 Uranium

Confession #2341

So… tonight I went out with the girls. As usual. I had fun. But this time a friend brought along a guy friend of her’s who is single and has just moved into town. He was tall, broad shoulders, great skin, fit and had a great smile. And big hands. I was smitten. Over the course of the evening I did get to talk to him. I don’t know if he’s a good person or not but I can tell you that in the time we were all out, I repeatedly fantasized about what it would be like to fuck him senseless. I’m pretty sure his pecker is MUCH bigger than yours. Course most men’s are.

He’s taller than you. Far more attractive. He looks like he takes care of himself. His teeth are beautiful. Yours are disgusting because you never brush them. Unlike you he hasn’t gotten lazy appearance-wise. I’m pretty sure he would have a bigger “package”. I don’t know if he’s a nice person though. But I do know this – you are an arrogant, selfish jerk. For all of the pretty things you say, you sure don’t back it up with action.

The only thing I’m sure about is that you make more money than he does. That’s what was funny. I was painfully aware that if I would have left you even 6 months ago, I wouldn’t have met him tonight. I fantasized about the hot sex and running off with him. But I also know the reality of the situation. He could be a world-class asshole. He could disappointment far more than you already have. I could run off with him, only to find myself in a shittier situation.

I want to love you so badly. I want to FEEL love for you. I want that with all my heart. But over the years you have ruined that. You’ve gotten lazy. You are emotionally stingy. I have told you my hopes, fears and dreams and you’ve used them against me time and again. I am with you. I am faithful. I will remain faithful but not out of love. I remain faithful because I know what side my bread is buttered on, so to speak. You make very good money. I grew up poor. I know what it is like to struggle for everything. You can and do provide a life for myself and our child I would have never dreamed possible. You provide opportunities for us. Besides, I LOVE my life. The only part lacking is with you. You’re not abusive. And when I let you come and go as you please, (and keep the house spotless) you seem pleasant to be around. Not loving, but pleasant.

That sounds horrible, but I’ll take it. I know that where we live, I couldn’t provide for our son without you. SO I stay. I stay so I can volunteer at school, see my friends and keep writing. I also stay out of a sense of duty as well as fear. I stay because I know that no one’s life is perfect. And honestly, I value stability more than infatuation or great sex.

I think you know this. You have made it clear that you stay out of a sense of duty. Or at least that’s what you said during our last fight. But you did hit the nail on the head when you mentioned you think I stay out of fear. I do. But I think you stay because you realize no other woman would put up with your shit. You’d have to actually put effort into a relationship. You stay because you know I wouldn’t stray. You don’t want drama of dating and handling someone else’s baggage. Course, neither do I.

But it is lonely. Oh, tonight a guy came up to me and complimented me on how my jeans fit. He wasn’t attractive. But he was 25 and clearly thinking I was close to his age. Another man, as he maneuvered past me, touched my waist. God, it was great to feel someone touch my waist in that very light way. Even if it was to guide me out of the way. When big ole man hands lightly touch my waist, I feel petite and like a woman. Kind of reminded me that I’m not just someone’s taken for granted wife and a mother. Reminded me that I’m a PERSON. You haven’t touched my waist in a long time. When we have sex you just go for “the box.” Its as if I’m having sex with a fumbling, virginal teenage boy every time we have sex. You know… There ARE other parts to me. Course that is, when you actually DO have sex with me…

But seeing this guy and connecting with him in a very basic way (we realize we have a few things in common) made me really miss feeling connected. Made me miss what you and I used to have. Made me miss the high I used to get when we were first dating and when you actually used to view me as a WOMAN.

Confession #2342

The phrase "I need some booty" is not foreplay. Step your game up - PLEASE.

Confession #2343

I think you are capable of more than you have become. But you are somehow satisfied to stay at the same level you are now.

Confession #2344

I've started drinking in the afternoons -- not much,
just a coffee cup or so of wine while the kids do
their homework. Mixed with a juice box.

So here's the thing -- I'm like wallpaper to you. You
don't notice me, don't talk to me, don't ask me about
my day. I bought a new sweater to see if you noticed.
I had my hair done, worked out. Earned money. Bought
furniture. Wrote a fricking NOVEL. Knit a sweater.
And . . . nothing. You can't even PRETEND to take an
interest in anything remotely having to do with me.
Am I really that dull? Uninteresting?

You notice if I spend too much or if I ask you to do
something, go somewhere. If I ask you for help, like
if the car's broken. But you don't notice ME. I'm
just the chauffeur, the maid, the person who washes
your underwear and socks, who takes the cats to the
vet when they're sick.

SO here's the thing -- I wanted to see if you would
notice if I was drunk. Every night for a week. Once
I went a week without talking to you to see if you
noticed. You didn't. And so far you haven't noticed if
I'm drunk. (you do, however, notice if I gain weight.
or if we're out of milk.) What does THAT say about
our relationship? The next step if I'm getting a
tattoo. Let's see if you notice THAT.

Confession #2345

I am so tired of your sarcasm and ignorance. You think everything is always about you. It’s all you, all the time. And when I bring it to your attention – you act like I’m crazy. How much you love me, how nice you are to me, you treat me “like a queen”. Know what, that's besides the point...

When I bring up how much of a prick you are to your son it’s “I pay for everything for that kid, he’s a pussy, you aren’t helping”. Seriously? You’re calling your own son a pussy? He’s a mommas boy, maybe. Sorry buddy – so were you! E V E R Y one of your family members say so. You couldn’t even spend the night at someone elses house – you had to be at your moms! What’s that make you?

He is your son. He moved in a short while ago to get away from his prick of a step dad and now guess what? Now he can’t stand being around you either because you talk to him like he’s a retard. He’s a good kid. No he hasn’t worked since this past summer – SO WHAT? He’s going to school, drives almost an hour to get there. And honestly, I don’t want him working because that takes a chance of his grades dropping – he’ll graduate this year! Does he ask for money hand over fist? No. Does he ask for things that are ridiculous? No. Does he ask for money to go out and run around on? NO. Gas to get back and forth to school. Lunch money. You pay his car insurance. Get over it. I give him money too, just so we don’t have to hear it from you! When he first said he was moving in you were elated because you thought you’d be “rich” from not paying child support. Whoa - $76 a week made you a millionaire! Not. You give him maybe $40 a week in gas, $80 a month on insurance. That’s less than what you were paying out in a month for child support. What did you think? All that money would go in your pocket and he wouldn’t be an added expense? Dumbass. Of course he’s an added expense, it’s called being a parent. You don’t know how to do it. Which brings me to the next subject: my daughter is my problem, you made that perfectly clear 12 years ago. And my stupid ass has accepted it and lets you get away with being a nobody. Now we have a son, together, who could care less that you’re in the room. Why? Because you don’t show him any attention. You don’t know how. Hell, last year was the first time you had ever given him a bath. He’s 5!! So guess what? He’ll be a mommas boy too. And if you ever call him a pussy, I will knock your fucking teeth out.

You treat every one of us in this house like we’re stupid idiots who still drool down their chins and shit in their pants. Dude, you can barely function without some sort of direction – you can’t even decide what to make for dinner without turning it into some big ordeal. I don’t give a rats ass what you make – make it already and shut up. Do I want to watch that movie? I don’t care, you go ahead and decide what you want to see. Holy crap – sorry I made that suggestion – turn it into psycho drama why don’t you?

What’s worse – each of us are starting to do the same thing. I’ve noticed it about myself. Since you’ve been back, we’re all being sarcastic shit heads to one another; me to other people even at work. You’re changing all of us with your ignorant ways. It must stop.

Work on it, wake up and fix it, or get the fuck out. That’s what this is boiling down to, I’ve been at the point for a long time that I don’t care whether you come home at night. Don’t, ok. Do, whatever. That’s terrible! This is not normal!

I could go on and on and on but pretty soon you will be in here to see what I’m doing on the net, accuse me of talking to my “boyfriend”. Whatever, jackass. Keep accusing me. You’ve pushed me so far away – I’m actually thinking about doing it.

Confession #2346

I know our situation is difficult and at times unbearable, but I want to thank you for sticking with me through everything. Thank you for sticking up for me to her, even though I probably have no idea how many problems I've probably caused you and I probably don't deserve all of that. Thank you for understanding why I don't want to hang out with her. Thank you for helping me to grow and figure my life out in a time where it's all kind of blurry.

You are my best friend and regardless of our sexual history, I love you in that big all encompassing way.

I hope that she realizes what she has and starts making you happy because you deserve it with someone if it's not going to be me. I hope she realizes that I have a little bit more class than to do anything with you while you're with her and that I'm gonna be there for you until the day I die. I hope that you don't have too many days like this ever again.

Confession #2347

I never thought that I would be in this position. I've always thought of myself as being stronger then this, being smarter than this, being so much more than a stupid human.

When he and I were married, I was the cheated wife. It's kind of funny that you were one of those other women. Now, that you're the wife, I am the other woman. Moments like these make me believe the Goddess has a twisted sense of humour.

Since the day you two were married, I've been pushing him away. We may have fooled around while you were dating, but I wasn't going to mess with a marriage. Even amoral bitches like to believe that they have lines that even the damned will not cross. I managed for well over a year before I crumbled like the stupid twit I am. And damn it all, I don't think I will stop.

You were more than correct, when you called me a heartless, uncaring, unfeeling bitch so long ago. Hell, this time I've surprised myself. I don't feel a damn thing. I don't feel good. I don't feel bad. I have no feelings of guilt or shame. There is no pride, no justification. No clamoring of excuses to make this wrong feel right.

I'm the High Queen of Douchbaggery.

Confession #2348

After so long together for us to end on these circumstances. We've had so much fun together on our trips and things...I'll miss those days. Every time I think of what it would be like to sleep with another man, I panic. I panic thinking about the fact that I won't be looking at YOUR face.

How am I supposed to move on, when I'm so deep in love with you?

Confession #2349

Your Feet

Dear Husband,

Your FEET are not always your friend

and they really are not always mine

You have good shoes with natural inner soul things

and outer leather

But dear mother of all that is good and unsmelly

why or why do your feet reek?

The rest of you smells great

But your FEET

they bring tears to my eyes in the evenings

PLEASE PLEASE use the foot DEO spray stuff more

I don't care if we spent 5 euro a week on your feet

I will cut out 5 euro of what I spend on something else

the woman who married you and your questionable feet

Confession #2350

After waiting half my life for you to find me attractive - after trying to introduce play and toys into our sex life for years, trying to seduce you, I finally gave up. I stopped finding you attractive. I stopped wanting to have sex with you. Of course, this is the moment when you decide that you want to have sex again.


Anonymous said...

#2349 - My fiance's father's feet used to smell so so bad. He ended up soaking them in Formaldehyde. Weird as it sounds, it works. He said that his feet had no smell for like 10 years after that. I have no idea if formaldhyde is something hard or easy to obtain - but maybe give it a try.

Anonymous said...


LMAO, that was great. My exes feet were horrid as well. Just the other night a friend of my brother in laws came over and her feet brought back memories, so much so that i ran to my room and went to bed early to escape the smell.

Good Luck!

fragrance lover said...

2349 here. yep, I am married to those stinky feet. I have not noticed them so much the past week. I DID spray the hell out of his shoes for three days in a row. BUT omfg, I cannot stand the thought of his socks touching my underwear in the laundry bin. It actually almost gives me dry heaves! I wash keep my undergarments separate from his smelly socks. I even went so far as buying him new socks for Christmas..expensive really good 100 percent natural fiber socks (without elastic). Didn't work. I now chase him and his feet around the house after we get home from work with a spray bottle of Febreeze.

Anonymous said...

2343, i'm not sure if you're referring to a career or personal life, but at work some people are just content being content. i have a friend who is an executive at a fortune 500 company; her husband is a mechanic. she makes much more, of course, and wonders why he doesn't have the drive to become the head mechanic in his shop or the district manager of the auto repair chain or open up his own shop or otherwise move up the ladder. he is just happy fixing cars and there is nothing wrong with that.

the same goes if you're talking personal life, though it can be infinitely more frustrating. if it's where your man never volunteers for anything, doesn't read books, doesn't seek to expand his mind in any way or just doesn't have a desire to explore anything, that's a bit more problematic. like a dance club fanatic dating a couch potato. the career stuff can, and in most cases should, be left alone. but that level of incompatibility in your personal life will create deep resentment.

the good news: many people hit a certain age, realize life is passing them by and become very dynamic. let's hope it doesn't take him until he reaches the age of those guys in that movie "the bucket list."

Anonymous said...

Fuck off, d.

#2350, It's been over a year since my husband has touched me. I want to cry when I think about it. I'm not as brave as you -- at least you've tried to introduce play and toys. I haven't even tried that. How do you keep from being devastated when he pushes you away?

Anonymous said...

Woah, formaldehyde is NOT the answer! That's embalming fluid there--and that stuff is made to keep dead people from smelling. So unless he'd like to embalm his feet while he's still living, I suggest finding a different solution. I'm sure his feet didn't smell for 10 years... that stuff is made to stick around.

Anonymous said...

2350 here -

Honestly, 6:31 - I tried for YEARS. When I bought the first vibrator, I tried to sell it as "Hey - wouldn't it be fun for both of us? Wanna use it on me?"

I got : "Thats weird. Why would I want to do that to you? I don't know why you even want to use a thing like that."

It just went downhill from there.

Eventually, I took lovers. Not men with whom I was in love - but ones I could explore my sexuality with. I needed to do something to keep from going crazy. I needed to be kissed. I needed to be touched.

I accepted that this was not something he could give me - something he was not capable of giving me, for whatever reason. Our sex drives had never matched up and I foolishly thought that given time, they would. Two decades later, no match yet.

I love him as a friend now - a partner, but I now have no interest in sex with him. Of course, this has sparked renewed interest on his part.

But I am afraid it is just too late.

Anonymous said...

Oh 2350, I really hope you can work it out with your husband. I do not fault you for going outside your marriage. But he's trying now, I know it's probably too little too late, but I just want believe maybe you can work it through.

Best of luck to you.

Anonymous said...

dear 2350, I honestly do feel your pain. I am married now, (and not my first marriange) and my husband is also one either lacking a sex drive or afraid of his sex drive. We are trying to solve this, but one night he told me, while I was crying and saying I could not take the NO sex thing anymore.
"I do not see what the big deal is, I am happy without sex. It isnt a big deal"
And that really is the point. It is a big deal to me, and it is not to him. He and I have been married for less than 5 years, and we are still kind of young. And I am just wanting to be LAID. Hell I would settle for once a week if I had to. We went over 2 years with NOTHING. Not a fucking thing. I have not yet reached the point where I leave him. I did however come clean with my best friend, she advised me to schedule sex with him. EVERY Wed and Saturday and tell him, "I hope you are willing to invest this in our marriage, because if you are not, I am not willing to invest the rest of my life with you."

Have not told him this yet, but I will this week. (Tomorrow is Wednesday!)

Wendee said...

Stinky feet -- my step-dad had horrible stinky feet. My mom made him soak them in Epsom salt constantly, helped him wash them, dry them off, etc. He switched to wearing sandals a lot of the time (as opposed to closed-shoes), and that seems to do the trick. I think it's some sort of bacterial or fungal infection that just goes mostly away with more Oxygen. When he does wear shoes, all cotton - WHITE - socks. Always wash them in HOT water/bleach & dry in HOT dryer (kills bacteria). Hope something works for him -- that can really kill the mood, yuck.

denae said...

Dear High Queen of Douchbaggery,

Your post is touching. I can definitely relate. I am right there with you....

fragrance lover said...

Hi Wendee, you give some good advice there. I guess I will suggest to him switching to the white socks. The black all cotton ones just look better in the winter. We do take baths in natural seasalt mixes. He could also use a basin of Epson Salts. (love that stuff for achy feet!)

Actually I will link him to the page here.
Yes, he and I came home yesterday at almost the same time, and I am sitting here laughing (again) over the fact that I submitted this..he comes in and wonders why I am in stitches, so I messaged him a link to this site, he scrolls down, finds the stinky feet thing, reads it and starts to PROUDLY laugh!

Now only a MAN would take PRIDE in his own STINKY FEET!


Anonymous said...

12:44 I'm sorry that I agree with your husband. I don't see what the big deal is. I've been on antidepressants for a while though, but whenever I go off them it's not a good scene. If I have to choose between not being interested in sex and not being interested in life, I'll choose to give up sex.

Anonymous said...

Stinky feet - some people's feet just sweat too much. I am one of them. For me, the solution turned out to be anti-perspirent applied to the soles of my feet. Cheap, simple, wish I'd thought of it years earlier.

For more severe sweaty feet I've heard that Botox injections into the sweat glands can help, but I hope you won't have to explore that option!

Anonymous said...

:) thanks, he does have a foot deo, but he never remembers to use it, I even put the bottle IN his shoes.

I have chased him with it in the past! And I often burn incense when he comes home.

I mean it is NOT that bad ALL the time, I think it depends on how stressful his day is.

(maybe one in 5 days is bad)

Anonymous said...


Are you fat?? You sound and write fat. I should know, I'm fat too. But I wouldn't let anyone make me feel bad or sad. I'm better than that.

Anonymous said...

One thing is for sure, after reading TWC I don't feel nearly so alone about my husband being cold in bed. Seems like there are so many women out there in my situation. It's a terrible situation to be in. I don't plan to ever leave him, but I just don't know how to get him to come back to life. For the first 8 months things were great. For the past year and half, as another poster put it, "he goes straight for the box".