You used to leave me notes on the bathroom mirror. I found them yesterday and it made me sad that you haven’t done that in years. I love you so much but I feel like you are drifting away. I don’t know what changed, but I know you do not love me with the same intensity you used to. I’m still here, I still love you with all my heart and soul. Come back to me.
I do not think I want to be a Mom anymore. I want to run off into the desert in New Mexico and hide for the next 15 year until they are grown. I told this to my mom and was so serious, but she thought I was being funny even after I told her I was not. I almost want to give my ex full custody.
The truth is, I'm not sure how much longer I can be with you. I love you, and as cliché as it is, I'm not in love with you anymore. After the first time you went to Iraq, I have felt as though my husband died and an alien invader took over his body and into my home. I don't like him at all. Even though you are better than you were the first couple of years after coming back the first time, and the second time you went there was no change in your demeanor. But you have never come back to me whole. I should feel lucky to have you at all, and I wonder if the women whose husbands died, know that they may have been in a different kind of hell even if they had come back. And I feel guilty for thinking that.
I can't believe how much you resent me. You resent me because I was home while you were off fighting. You resent me for being home after our mutual decision for me to quit my job when we moved the last time. But you resented me when I worked, too. You resent me because I'm not a social butterfly while other wives move boyfriends in and send their kids dirty into the streets while they fuck them. I'm playing football in the yard with my phone always on me in case you call. And for what? I don't need this. You're terrible with finances and think if I get some great job it will fix the messes you make, but it won't. You'll just spend more.
But I resent you too. For sitting on the couch and wanting the house to be quiet with kids. For drinking too much. For not doing anything that I ask, ever. For not caring how I feel. For being forced to get help instead of getting it when I begged you. For not trying to make our marriage work. For blaming me for everything and never ever accepting any fault. For screwing us financially and when we were almost out of the whole creating a new mess. For being selfish and self-serving. For the 5 minute sex that only satisfies you. For never telling me I'm beautiful anymore. For not appreciating me. For not respecting my wishes. For lying to me for years over something I told you I would divorce you over and telling me when you thought I would be ok with it. For not believing me when your mother was a bitch. For acting like SuperDad and SuperHusband when other people are around. For bitching that you want nothing more than to be with us while you're deployed and coming home and wanting nothing to do with us. For blaming me at every reenlistment when you would be going down the same path had you never met me, even though you have never said it, I know it's true. It's because of the hell you went through that I have stayed this long, I know it's not your fault for turning into this. But I deserve better than what you have become. I just hope you will let me go when I ask you. But if you love me, and I know you do, you'll have to let me go. I know you will crumble when I go, but since you won't change and you can't seem to hear me there's no other choice. The irony is, I think you'll be a better dad when I'm gone...as long as people are watching, of course. And by the time you realize you can't treat me like this, it's going to be too late.
I just want my husband back, I miss him so much. But I know I'll never see him again.
I want to have sex with my physiotherapist. I would rather be able to only fantasize about my husband, but my physiotherapist bathes on a regular basis, brushes his teeth, and knows how to touch!
I must confess, I feel slightly guilty. After all the years I have been paranoid of you cheating on me I end up being the one who tried to cheat on you on sweetest day. Granted I didn't cheat, Granted I only wanted to make out with the guy, Granted I was drunk. But I did look extremely sexy for him, I danced sexy for him, I hung all over him, it was him I wanted. I think about him every second. I just want to know if what I want from him is sexual or something more, I need to know if this is a stupid crush before I throw our four years together. I can say this I am such a hypocrite, I always tell you I am so above cheating when I know damn well if he wanted me I am not sure I wouldn't let it go too far, and I don't think I would tell you either.
Can you possibly think I'm that blind? Or ignorant? Or naive?
I'm none of those. I'm far more intelligent than you've given me credit for being, and way smarter than the bimbos you're used to. To your credit, your ability to bullshit is far better than I'm used to, but I can still see it for what it is; bullshit, lies, game playing. The truth is your lies are so transparent that they are almost comical. I sit here laughing inside as you make up your stories thinking you've pulled one over on me when in fact, I know you are lying through your teeth. It's nothing new, is it? You've lied from the start. Only you've gotten much bolder, more creative, more transparent.
Do you wonder why I no longer am reduced to a heep of sobbing pain when you lie to me? Because the truth is, I'm only here for the comforts this life provides ME. I'm no longer here because of YOU. It feels so liberating to say that at last.
I used to think that if I tirelessly endeavored to be the perfect wife, waiting on you hand and foot, never saying "no" to you in any circumstance (including sexually) you'd love me and be faithful to me. Our friends and family marvel again and again at my willing attentiveness to your every whim and need, even they tell you what a lucky man you are, and how they hope you appreciate me. Your own co-workers say they wish their wives did half as much for them, showed them half the love, respect and attention I show you, they'd consider themselves blessed. They jokingly say they'd marry me in a heartbeat I'm so good to you. And still you lie to me, cheat on me, bullshit me. You have the perfect wife, and you still want or need to turn to other women.
So I've stopped wishing for and hoping for a faithful and loving husband. I accept that you do not posess the character and/or self respect to be that man. I accept that you feel you need or want more than me, even though I cannot imagine how I could do or be more than I am. I accept that your need to live some secretive, lie-filled life is beyond my comprehension. I will no longer cry over you.
Instead, I will enjoy the creature comforts and luxuries this marriage affords me. I will take whatever small pleasures I can in the life I lead as your wife, knowing in my heart that I too am living a lie. But I will not cry. Not for you.
You're not worth it.
I just don't know what to do. There is nobody else I can talk to about this. I'm in love with my best friend but somehow I ended up with two kids and a partner I know isn't right for me. I met my friend years ago through an ex and we just clicked. We spoke to each other every day and saw each other as often as possible. Just as we realised it was more than friendship it was too late. Because of college he moved to the other side of the country and even though we spoke for hours almost every single day, we were both leading seperate lives. We had to move on. He met someone, as did I. A few years passed, I ended up with a partner who works hard and says he loves me, but despite the fact I care for him deeply, I know deep down he is not the one for me. A part of me still clings to some hope that my best friend and I will get together some day. I hate myself for it. We still talk every day, he still flirts with me, still cares for me deeply and he pays me more attention than my partner ever does. He doesn't call me 'fucking useless' or any of the other choice names my partner call me. He's just always there. He broke things off with his girlfriend because she wasn't 'right' and when he came to see me a few months back he kissed me. Right then it felt like the world stopped and I was so so happy. We spent the whole day together catching up, doing normal things, having coffee, going to the museum, eating out and the whole time he held my hand.
I wish somehow I had the means to move. But I don't want my kids to suffer. I don't want to drag them to the other side of the country, not to mention leave my partner behind. He doesn't pay me much attention and only gets pissed if I bring this up. But the minute I say I'm seriously not happy he says if I were to leave he couldn't live without me and that he'd probably kill himself. I feel so trapped. Of course I care about him. I had children with him. But this isn't where I want to be. Not really. He is jealous of my best friend and has never liked him. He doesn't even know that I still talk to him because he told me not to. All I know is that this is killing me. I'm torn between wanting to be a good mom, doing the right thing by staying with their father and bringing them up together or following my heart, leaving my man and taking my kids to be with the one I love. I don't think I deserve happiness.
Honestly, do you really think that I am attracted to you with no job and the fact that you live with your parents?? The fact that you honestly think you can play ME has me laughing hysterically. And if you claim to have all this money, they WHY do you live with your parents & drive a beat up old Honda? All you do is play golf everyday. Honestly, I'd rather be with someone that is not a lazy piece of shit and actually wants to better themselves by earning a living or at least doing something more valuable with their time. So if you think you impressed me - YOU DIDN'T! I really in truely think your gay anyway and you are trying to cover it by seeing me...NOT going to happen..Good luck with your search (you're gonna need it)!
Yes we are going through this miscarriage because after we had our daughter I got pregnant on purpose. Oops… did I forget to tell you that I didn’t get the IUD put in because it was awful and I wanted more children? And I know that you are just worried that I will leave you and take you for child support but frankly, if you don’t get that vasectomy I will get you drunk, take advantage of you, and I will get pregnant again. You have about 3 months to make this decision and then I’ll be ready to try again. Better prepare your mother who is also in support of no more kids, by the way when did her opinion begin to matter in our marital affairs? Oh yeah when she is on your side. That’s right.
Dearest, Sweetest, Love,
Don't think I'm saying that I don't enjoy time with my family
Cause I do
Don't think I'm saying that I can't have a good time without you
Cause I can
Don't think I'm saying that simply not being with you makes my life meaningless
Cause it doesn't
When I am not with you
When I don't see your face and smiling eyes
When I can't touch your arms and feel your lips on my own
I am not quite at peace
I am not quite the same
And I find my self
Longing and wishing for that time
When we can once again be together
Holding laughing and smiling
I know it is wrong but I wish for it
I love and miss you always