Thank you, sweetie, for everything. I would never have gone back to school,
I would never have found my calling, I would never have found love without
you. I love your child, and my child, and the family that we make up (as
dysfunctional as it can be occasionally) and I love the past that we have.
I love the way that you make me laugh. I love that you don't want me to be
submissive, or smaller than I really am, or anything other than what I
really am. Thank you for helping me find what and who I really am.
I love you.
You don't want the pooch on the furniture, but every morning right after you leave for work, the dog jumps up on the bed with me. I make sure there's no hair on your side, but we're talking every day for years. And she knows your car and footstep--as soon as she hears either approaching, she's off the bed or couch or chair.
The kids and I have tried to imitate your footstep, just to see if she can be fooled. Nope. She only bolts when it's really you. Hey, I'm a little sorry that the kids are being taught to lie to their dad, sort of. I know it's bad we don't respect your desire in this matter, bad that the three kids and I know the truth about the dog's bad habits and you don't. But I do love having that dog snuggled against me while I work. I even do my work on the couch so she can rest her head on my lap.
I am truly sick and tired of dealing with your depression. Especially
since you really aren't dealing with it in a constructive way. Sleeping
16+hours a day isn't *dealing* - it is avoiding. I want a life again, I
can't and won't sit around and watch you sleep anymore - I was up for 5
hours before you woke up yesterday morning (noon), you were awake for
all of 5 minutes and then you went back to sleep.
I can't take it anymore. I was putting on my makeup when you came into
the bathroom - you realized I was upset. I told you, while crying, that
you really hurt my feelings that you would rather sleep than spend any
time with me. Do you have any idea how badly I felt about myself all
day yesterday??? You had the nerve to say that you didn't *choose* to
sleep this much it just happens. Well, it has been happening for over 9
months - I can't take much more. I love you but I'm dying inside and
what I feel for you is dying as well. I am lonelier now than when I was
single. I am going to start planning my weekends again, like I did
before we met. I spent 15 years as a single mother - I wasn't always
ecstatic but hell, it was wayyyy better than this! At least I was
participating in life and doing things that I enjoy.
I HAVE TO HAVE A LIFE! If you would rather sleep your life away, that
is up to you. I will not sit by and watch you sleep anymore.
You have told me for years that you planned on divorcing me. I used to cry and get upset and tell you not to joke about that - it wasn't funny and it hurt my feelings. Then, I simply accepted it. After so many years of having you introduce me as "your first wife", or talk about when you divorce me...I just realized you must be serious. So, I began to withdraw. Plan my life without you. And I too began to joke about when we get divorced.
This weekend you came to me and told me how infuriated it makes you when I talk about us getting divorced.
Really? I think I said the same thing about 13 years ago to you. Your actions have deadened me.
I know we are not going to make it. We just got married and I can see the end coming. I know you love me, and I love you more than ever. I was so happy when you went into treatment for your drinking. I truly believed that it was a step in the right direction for us. I missed you like crazy while you were gone, but now that you are home, I am totally miserable.
You have questioned EVERYTHING that the kids and I have done!! You weren't here, it didn't get done just like you would have done it, but GET OVER IT!!! I busted my butt every single day you were gone, and to know that it's not appreciated or even acknowledged is a total slap in the face!! Just think, you can't even handle the house and kids for one afternoon if I need to go somewhere. I get 5 or 6 calls asking about something totally stupid. You try dealing with a job, house, dogs, 5 kids, school, dance, scouts, grocery shopping, paying bills, yardwork all by yourself for 28 days!! Not to mention coming up to see you every single weekend so that you truly saw that I was behind you 100%.
I am thrilled that you are sober; your sons need a Dad that will be around for a long time. But unless you agree to work on the rest of our problems, I am leaving in 3 months. I refuse to be miserable for the rest of my life. Sorry it's gotta come down to this, but I can't take any more!!!
I love you!
I'm sorry I have gained so much weight. I gained 100 lbs. while pregnant, and haven't lost all of it yet even though the baby is a year old now. I am disgusting to myself, so I know why you don't act like you used to around me. I'm trying though - I've lost 10 pounds this month. I try my best to be a good wife and mother, and not to complain about anything you do. You used to feel like you weren't good enough for me, even though I never thought that....and now I feel like I'm not good enough for you. I hope you can wait for me to get back to my old self. I love you and the baby more than anything, and sometimes I'm so happy - when she's laughing and you're laughing with her - that I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest. It seems like eventually in life...sometimes slowly...you lose everything...family members die...friends leave...looks fade....I just want to hold on to our family as long as I can. Wait for me baby.
You're not so bad, but your friends are totally creepy. A woman just
knows. Those guys are bad news. Sorry I don't like them. They are
potential rapists and child molesters. You're better than them.
You are a good husband. A great dad. You put up with my shit. You support me. You are a friend. But he makes me feel like an absolute goddess. He wants me in a way you never did. I want him in a way I've never wanted before. I hunger for him day and night and he hungers for me. He is rough when I need him to be. He is gentle and loving and writes me poem and songs. He says he loves me and I walk on air for hours. I have no plans to leave you for him and I don't know where this is going....but I have no inclination or power to stop it. If it weren't for our daughter I would run away with him. To Greece. Anywhere.
Last week we made love without a condom and said he likes the idea of me having his baby. Secretly I do too.
The weight I lost was for him.
When you ask me if something is wrong, and I say "no" I am really missing him.
The smile you catch on my face sometimes is a memory of the last time he and I made love.
That bruise on my thigh was from his hands. I would sometimes press on it to remember how his hands felt on me.
I know I have a pathological need to be loved. I know I need to feel sexy. He gives me that.
I don't even feel bad. I deserve some happiness because I am so, so unhappy sometimes and all the pills in the world don't make me feel the way he does when he kisses me hard, bites my lip, holds my face and says "I love you."
I deserve that.
Sometimes I think I should have married someone more like me. Someone who has a college degree and wears a tie to work instead of coveralls. Someone who would love to take me to dinner theaters and fancy charity fund raisers instead of the closest karaoke bar or the dirt track races. We were engaged for 2 years while I finished college and I never questioned if you were the right one for me to marry, now we've been married 7 years and I can't help but think I sold out to the first guy who offered me a ring. It's not that I don't love you, I really do. But we are very different people in a lot of ways and I hope our relationship will survive these differences...
Love is a Drug
Oh the feelings! The exhilaration of falling in love. It truly can be a blinding experience. My name is (fill in the blank) and I am a love junkie. Falling in love releases "feel good" chemicals in my brain. My system becomes filled with endorphins, my world seems brighter, more colorful, more exciting!
When I met you there were plenty of red flags a-flyin', warning warning warning. But with the blinders in place, I went ahead and fell in love anyway.
I refused to question anything you told me. As time unfolded, it became harder for you to keep all the lies straight and so I learned, over time, to take everything and anything you told me with the proverbial grain of salt. Today you could tell me the sky is blue and I would have to see it for myself before I would believe you.
I want to list the ways that I used love as a drug.
Go back and read the paragraph above.
Refusing to heed the warning signs.
Rationalizing and justifying certain actions in my brain.
Believing that love conquers all.
Naively thinking that if I loved you enough, we could get through any turmoil.
Believing that I could change you by example.
Allowing myself to be controlled by you, so as not to upset the apple cart.
Lowering my standard of conduct and doing things that felt wrong to me.
Aggressively asserting my way of life on you, living under the illusion that I had any type of control over you.
Living in denial.
Oh yes, love is a drug. Sometimes I think that life would be so much easier if I were living alone. That then I would only have myself to worry about, that my life, my feelings, my worth, my happiness would not be dependent on what you are doing or not doing.
And then I remember talking to a counselor several years ago and admitting to this person that if I got out of the relationship with you, that I would probably go right back out and start hunting for another love relationship, undoubtedly going through the same motions and emotions again, looking to someone outside of myself to "fix" me or someone that I could "fix." And remembering the words from the counselor, telling me that I should look inside myself and figure out why I feared being alone, why I felt such an urgent need to be with somebody else in order to feel whole.
So I have decided to take stock in the relationship I have now. Hey, it's familiar, I've gotten somewhat used to the ups and downs, the roller coaster ride so to speak.
It's time to hunker down and see what needs fixing in me. Believe it or not, I still love you. And I can appreciate the lessons that I've learned from this relationship. So join me on this ride, or don't