Thursday, September 13, 2007

True Wife Confessions 208 Radio Radio Luxembourg

Confession #2071

Last week when we were joking around you said that you wouldn't get married again if something happened to me because you thought maybe you weren't meant to be married and we both laughed like you'd made some hilarious joke about how nagging I am. The only thing is, I can't stop thinking about it because you hit the proverbial nail on the head. I don't think you were meant to be married.

It took you saying that for me to realize that all my frustrations that have mounted over the last few years are directly attributable to the fact that deep down, you probably shouldn't have ever gotten married - to anyone. You're my best friend, a great daddy to our two kids and a really good person, but the fact of the matter is that you're not a real spectacular husband because in the end, you just always want to be on your agenda and your ability to compromise or participate in the give and take of a married relationship isn't very good. In fact, you suck at it. There, I've said it. I think you're kind of a crappy husband.

I know you are faithful to me and I trust you completely, but I just have a hard time accepting the fact that you always do what you want to do when you want to do it, with no regard to how it impacts your family. I am beginning to understand that you don't do it to be mean or thoughtless but that you just truly don't think about it. That almost makes it worse.

What time you'll be home from work is a total moving target and it just doesn't seem to register with you that it would sure be nice to have a ballpark. It's so selfish of you to be unable to communicate with me on simple things like that. And then, when you come home and immediately leave to run, just announcing where you're going, without asking if it's a convenient time or if that works with our dinner or my schedule, it makes me want to put my fist down your throat. It's really confusing to me how someone who loves me - and I believe you do - and who loves our kids, can just have no regard for simple, common courtesies like that. I think I make your life too easy. It's the only explanation I can think of that explains how you could have no regard for me and are unable to extend to me the same flexibility that you demand for yourself in our household. I've tried to talk to you about this and you just don't get it, which I don't get and then we both end up angry.

I sometimes try to imagine what it would be like to be a single parent to our wonderful kids and that makes me sad because it's not what I want and I don't think it's what you want either. The other reason it makes me sad is that when I try to think about what impacts that would have on my day to day routine in running our household and parenting, I don't think it would be that big of a deal. You're so wrapped up in what you want to do that you're often a non-factor and I don't count on you to do very much. Sad.

This isn't the marriage I imagined for myself when I was young and idealistic and it's not even the marriage I thought I was getting into when I enthusiastically entered into it with you. I think having kids made me realize how selfish we both were, and that worked when it was just us, but now that we have these two amazing kids, it's not working for me. I think you were right. You shouldn't be married and shame on me for finding it out this way.

Confession #2072

I see that you’re trying. I really do. I see what you’re doing differently and I really do appreciate it. I know you want to make this work. I do too. I hate that we both have to work through our issues, but I’m glad we’re doing it together. You stay beside me while I learn to deal with my past. I’ll hold your hand while you work through what you survived in the war. Thank you for staying.. Thank you for not trying to scare me away. I see that you’re trying and I can never thank you enough. Some day we’ll find that we’ve become the elderly couple in the park who slowly shuffles through while holding hands. It’s so rough at times, but I can’t imagine it any other way

Confession #2073

I find it absolutely revolting that you refuse to take a shower for
sometimes 2 weeks straight. The only way you ever take one is when I tell
you that you won't get any sex from me unless you do. And sometimes that
doesn't even work. You disgust me. And I don't want to be disgusted by the
man that I love. PLEASE take a fucking shower!

Confession #2074

Why is it that you can spend our money like there is no tomorrow and I have to be the frugal one? Maybe for once I would like to have something nice. Did you ever think of that?

Confession #2075

Beloved husband,

I am attracted to your best friend. I've known him now for twelve
years, the same as I've known you. And over the years, my attraction
has grown and waned, but it never completely fades. I suspect that he
has some feelings for me too, but I'll never know for sure. I
certainly won't ask him or share my feelings. It's a forbidden
subject. And nothing would ever come of this attraction. We both love
you and would never ever betray you.

But, sometimes when he leans in close to me and I can smell his skin,
it makes me crave more. Or when our fingers accidentally touch, I feel
electricity. And when the three of us are just sitting on the couch,
sometime I think about what it would be like to kiss him. What it
would be like to be held by him. It is unsettling.

Confession #2076

my confession i sent last week made me want to talk to you. so i did. and you reacted exactly the way i thought you would. you blamed it all on your job and you told me to tell you to quit.

i know the hours you work make a difference. you say that we are not used to being married now that we have worked separate shifts for a year now. i know part of that is true, but what is the excuse that sometimes you are downright mean? after we had our talk and i told you that i wasn't happy, you said you knew. you said you weren't happy either. you said that rather than get another divorce, that you would quit your job.

i know that you want to work first shift. i want you to work first shift. it's not fun for me to take care of 95% of the kids' needs all the time. sometimes i want/need a break. but we are not in a financial position at the moment to do that. we need to use the income and pay off some bills, then you can look for something else, as you know that you won't be able to make as much elsewhere. but in the meantime, you and i need to work harder at our relationship.

you need to help more with the housework. and you did this weekend. which really helped. and you didn't act like an ass. that was appreciated. but what you did do was after our conversation on Saturday, it was like you forgot all about it Sunday and Monday, and you are back to normal, might i add, after you got some, which is exactly what i told you would happen.

so here we are again... what to do now?

(heavy sigh)

marriage is not what i expected that it would be. it's hard. sometimes it's not fun. the companionship is great, but sometimes i long for the butterflies again.

do the butterflies always go away? is it supposed to be this way? i don't know, I'm just trying to figure it all out...

Confession #2077

I’m so sorry I cheated on you. At first I thought it was special with him and that it was ok if I lost you. I thought you were indifferent toward me and might not even notice if I left. Now I realize that I was wrong. You just showed your love in different ways and I refused to see that. Things haven’t been perfect for us but it was *us* and we made it through so much. I’m terrified to separate from you. I don’t want to be without you. I wish things hadn’t gotten to this point. Thank you for so many years of love. Thank you for being my best friend. I will always regret the hurt I’ve caused you.

Confession #2078

All men who work for Law Enforcement cheat. Sorry wives – but they ALL do. I see it every single day. Just a heads up to the ladies- so you can keep your eye on your man with badge.

Confession #2079

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry I wasted almost 3 years of our married life caring about a jackass who didn't feel the same way about me ... except for when he acted like he did so I could be manipulated into caring about him again.

I'm sorry for the e-mails to him, the phone calls, the fantasies, all of it.

More than anything else, I'm sorry I still care. So sorry.

I wish he was dead. And at times like this, I wish I was, too.

Confession #2080

I have no idea why I broke up with you. I keep trying to tell myself it's because I couldn't move there..but in the end I think it was that and because I don't find you as attractive as I used to.

I was expecting you to be just as cute as you were when you were my age, back then. But you aren't. You have aged..whether it be from time and stress or I don't know. And I couldn't spend the rest of my life with a man I didn't find that attractive.

I love exactly who you are, but my shallow side won and I didn't have the balls to admit that to you. I am an uber cunt and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for throwing you away.


Anonymous said...

#2070 - Ok, I could have written this post, word for word, verbatim, EXACTLY what you said, down to the two amazing kids! Are you married to my husband, by chance, because that must be where he is spending his time when he totally disregards my times or my plans.

So, what do we do, because I honestly think my husband should not ever get married to anyone else, should we part ways. He's a fantastic daddy...but he is missing the mark on the husband part.

Its good (kind of) to knowt that I'm not alone. I will be praying for both of us!

Anonymous said...

Great blog...thanks for the confessions...I may have to steal the concept for a while...

Anonymous said...

Dawn, THANK YOU for publishing my comment. It feels so good to see it there. I feel freed.

You're the best.

xoxo #2079

Anonymous said...

2071: Wow, I could have written that post! I feel the exact same way about my husband. He's so selfish and it's so sad because we have these two beautiful children and he's never around. If I was also selfish, I would leave him but I'm thinking about our children - they need their father even though they rarely get to see him. I'm hoping that he will get better with time and will see what a wonderful family he has before he loses us.

ZomMommy said...

#2080, I think "uber cunt" is a tad harsh. I'm a firm believer that you can't help how you feel and you need to be true to that. If you don't find him attractive, then you just don't, and that's that. I think we all have a shallow side, sweetie, even if some of us don't want to admit it. Maybe some have a deeper shallow side than others, but it's there all the same.

By nature, we all look for someone who is attractive to us and appeals to our senses, so if you want to blame anybody, blame Nature! ;-)

Anonymous said...

2076, of course butterflies always go away. it's nobody's fault but time. but true and unconditional love takes their place which, to me, feels better.

Anonymous said...

2080....ahhh...the old "why get stuck with you when I can clearly find someone better" problem. many men have been there, too, including me.

the problem is our definition of better changes over time. about 75 percent of what we consider important when we're younger suddenly means nothing as we get older. I shudder to think about how many quality women I let go because they weren't "hot" enough. Damn.

Anonymous said...

I've been living with my boyfriend for over three years, and I still get butterflies.

Anonymous said...

I had this same marriage. Although, it was probably more extreme. He got bored while I was in labor with our daughter and left the hospital.

Honestly, the kids and I are happier since we've left.

Sure, there have been a few rough patches for me. But, he's forced to see the kids every other Saturday and every Tuesday. So, they (I hope) get more quality from their Dad.

Anonymous said...

OMG be careful....these ladies will tear you to shreads. I came here with my very first confession about my enjoyment with another man might be gentic... I was called a dumdass, stupid...oh I could go on and on, but I still love him and nothing hsa changed... I am glad I went with my feeling and I hav done him more thatn just the den now. We are full blown and my dear husband is none the wiser.... so go on gals chew me up again.... also the one about all law enforcemnet cheat.... right you are.... no doubt you are right on point.

Anonymous said...

1:51 pm - well put- I said I had a favorite child in a confession and Pookie 6 really laid into me - I totally feel you.

Anonymous said...

I have been with my husband for nine years, married for five years, and I STILL get butterflies.

Sometimes it really doesn't go away.

Anonymous said...

2:37 - Really? It's still great? I'm asking because I've been with my guy for 8 years and I'm trying to figure out of it's not right or if I've just gotten bored. I'm trying to figure out what's realistic or not.


Anonymous said...

I don't think you should decide whether you're still in love or in a good relationship based on butterflies. I've been married for 8 years, together for 12 and I don't get them anymore but I love my husband more every day. It's different for everyone and isn't the end all be all. That'll be 2 cents, please.

Anonymous said...

3:59, one of the biggest problems in relationships is identifying "realistic" expectations or what is reasonable to expect your partner to be able to consistently provide.

after a while, most people want to coast in a relationship and that's not necessarily a bad thing. imagine having to go to work every day as if you were on a job interview. you bust your ass in the beginning so you can get to a point where you can take long lunches, days off, show up late sometimes and still be valued because you handle your business and don't neglect your main duties.

when it comes down to it, IMO, butterflies are based on anticipation and excitement, the thrill of the unknown and joy of the new. if butterflies go away over time it's because there are few surprises left and you know each other so well that little if anything is new.

now, i think people should strive to keep some of that newness. (i keep the victoria's secret card paid so shorty can get whatever she wants...hehehe.) still, while nice to have, i don't think butterflies are an accurage gauge on the strength of your relationship.

Anonymous said...

I am really sick of "D" posting comments on this site. Don't misunderstand- I love men, but I don't think they belong in this forum. Giving his 2 cents once in a while (or even once, preferably)is one thing but dominating and making multible posts commenting on everyones comments is just wrong to me. It's like men talking about abortion. Why? They will NEVER have to face that choice and they will NEVER know what it feels like. Frankly, it's like me talking about my penis: I don't have one so I can't speak about it. This is our space, "D". Let us alone. You do not speak from whence you came. Honestly girls, look at his comments from the previous posts. A man telling us what is and was in not rape. Are you kidding me? My new stance: Do away with all jocks because they ride up on me. And ban jock-itch spray cause there's no such thing.

Man, my prostate is KILLING me.

Anonymous said...

1:26, men will stop commenting on abortion when women get pregnant by themselves.

still, I see your point. women need a space to exhale with each other and all that. from here on, i'll keep my comments to a minimum.

Anonymous said...

3:59 here. I posted earlier but I don't think it went through. I actually appreciate D's comments and that he actually takes the time to read through women's thoughts. I think it's nice to hear the other side.

D- We've definitely been trying but I still wonder. We try to work through our problems and we try to make things exciting. What's the balance between trying and just enjoying? I understand every relationship requires work but at what point is it too much? Or can everything be worked through?

Anonymous said...

Yes, I too enjoy D's comments. It's nice to hear an intelligent man's opionion every now and then. And just because I may not agree with him doesn't make him wrong. In addition, some women need to hear the TRUTH about how they are behaving or living their lives.

I, for one, welcome and enjoy reading everyone's comments - men or women. If you can't stand it, don't post your confessions here! It doesn't say "for women only." And btw, I am a woman.

Anonymous said...

2076 here...

I appreciate everyone's comments. I realized quickly that the butterflies go away, but it still doesn't stop me from loging for them every once in awhile.

I just feel kind of out of love. Like I still love him, but not in love with him anymore and I am saddened that this happened. I don't know how to get it back or if I want to get it back. I don't know how I feel anymore, just that I'm not happy. It's been almost 10 years now and I know I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. I deserve better and so does he. So now the question becomes, WHAT DO I DO???

Anonymous said...

2076 - I'm right there with you. If you figure it out, let me know.

Anonymous said...

2078- Don't be sorry, it's the truth.

Anonymous said...

2076: Yes, I'm in the same boat! I love him but not in love with him anymore. We just had twins 2 years ago and I hate to take them away from their father (if I leave him, I will move clear across the country to be with my family). But... I'm not sure if I am ready to leave hubby. It's so difficult - I wish I knew what the right thing to do is.

Anonymous said...

I said I'd keep my comments to a minimum and I will. (Thanks for those who said they enjoy me and other men chiming in). Anyway, I wonder: do people still say "for better or worse" in their vows?

I'm not married so these are just opinions. But unless your husband or wife are doing drugs, cheating, abusing you or the kids, chronic liars, committing crimes, clinically insane or some other extreme example, anything else can be worked through. Being unhappy because your woman only gives you head twice a week instead of the 10 times like when you first met, or because your man doesn't write poetry or draw you weekly bubble baths like he used to, is not enough to warrant the end of a marriage, IMO. And too many "problems" people discuss are on that level.

We will put up with untold amounts of drama from our families because we have to. We don't have a choice so no matter what they do, we still love them, support them, and keep them close. But since we get to choose our partners, we hold them to a much higher standard and see them as disposable. That's a shame. If I get married, my wife will be my family and will get the same benefits, including the same super-elastic, bordering on unbreakable patience I have with my relatives.

Your partner should add to your happiness. They shouldn't be able to take away from it, or be the main source of it.

With that, I'll leave you ladies to chat it up.

Anonymous said...

2076 here-

d- I appreciate your opinion, however, I hate to say that you aren't married, and you don't know what it's like. I used to think the same thing before I got married. It's very difficult to resign yourself to the fact that you have to live the rest of your life unhappy. My husband is in a bad mood all the time. We work different shifts and rarely see each other. We used to talk a lot, now we just fight.

He doesn't do drugs, commit adultery or any other heinous crimes (to my knowledge anyway), but he is however, guilty of neglect, pure and simple. And so am I. We do need to work on things, but it just seems like that once you go down this road, it's hard to turn back. But anyway, Once you have been married for 10 years or so, I still hope you are posting your comments, because I just wonder how things might change.

But thanks anyway, I do appreciate your comments.

Anonymous said...

2076, i wonder the same thing about myself. my married male friends always tell me how things "just change" after marriage. i can't conceive how that just happens, but in their version, no matter what they do - new houses, fancy trips, romantic notes on the pillow, having another kid, not having another kid, changing jobs, having more sex, having less sex, making more money, etc., etc. - their wives are never happy.

as for your situation, neglect is a form of abuse so you might have reason to be out. i certainly wouldn't want to be permanently neglected and unhappy.

what things in your life make you happy? are you as unhappy with other things in your life, or just your husband?

Anonymous said...

2071: I get it too. Only mine is so busy solving everyone elses problems that he neglects us at home. I am so tired being 5th on his to-do list, DD being #4. (or at least i hope she is.) I cant imagine leaving him, but i can imagine blowing his family into little bits and throwing his cel phone into the resulting fire.

Anonymous said...


I used to make excuses for my ex husband about his behavior... now I see that he was (and is)A REALLY SELFISH PERSON!

As long as you let him get away with that kind of behavior, he'll keep doing it.

Anonymous said...

2076 AGAIN!

to d:

you almost make it sound that no matter what a man does, his wife is never happy. most men that i have talked to anyway kind of feel like once they are married, they no longer have to do the same things they did when they were "courting" you. that is true to some degree. i am not asking for much, but i need to feel loved and respected, which i really don't right now. i have given up on the romantic gestures (he never really did that anyway), but i shouldn't have to give up on everything.

i am generally happy. it's difficult to be unhappy in one aspect and it not have an affect everywhere else. it kind of snowballs a little bit. mostly i just feel like we share a house and kids and a bank account, and that's pretty much it. and i just want more out of life.

i don't know whether our marriage can be saved. it feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, at least for now.

Anonymous said...

2076, i didn't present my friends' complaints to cast blame on women. i understand that in most cases, both parties share fault.

there is just such a high percentage of marriages failing, I think there has to be, for many, some other force at work other than unmet expectations. I mean, is it possible that 60 percent of people who marry aren't getting their "deal-breaker" needs met?

anyway, I know you're not worried about all marriages. you have enough on your plate with your own. you sound like you're at the breaking point. i hope it's not too late for you and your husband. either way, i wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

2078 - How can you know this to be true? How many law inforcement men have cheated on you? Better yet, how many have cheated WITH you? Are you one of those bitches who sleeps with married cops just to be able to say you did?? My BF is going into law enforcement and we will marry someday. I would rather believe that we are stronger than that and things like this dont help. Thanks for the confidence booster SISTER!

Anonymous said...

She's telling the truth. I grew up around law enforcement and it's true. Yes, I am saying my dad was a cheater AND a cop. His cousin a cheater AND a cop. My first serious boyfriend a cheater AND a cop. I can think of at least a dozen more. Some had two women pregnant at once. Their wives and their fucks. I'm sure there are exceptions but more often than not they cheat. It's a power thing and I can think of about 2 or 3 cops that I know that will admit that it's a power trip. Sorry.