Last week when we were joking around you said that you wouldn't get married again if something happened to me because you thought maybe you weren't meant to be married and we both laughed like you'd made some hilarious joke about how nagging I am. The only thing is, I can't stop thinking about it because you hit the proverbial nail on the head. I don't think you were meant to be married.
It took you saying that for me to realize that all my frustrations that have mounted over the last few years are directly attributable to the fact that deep down, you probably shouldn't have ever gotten married - to anyone. You're my best friend, a great daddy to our two kids and a really good person, but the fact of the matter is that you're not a real spectacular husband because in the end, you just always want to be on your agenda and your ability to compromise or participate in the give and take of a married relationship isn't very good. In fact, you suck at it. There, I've said it. I think you're kind of a crappy husband.
I know you are faithful to me and I trust you completely, but I just have a hard time accepting the fact that you always do what you want to do when you want to do it, with no regard to how it impacts your family. I am beginning to understand that you don't do it to be mean or thoughtless but that you just truly don't think about it. That almost makes it worse.
What time you'll be home from work is a total moving target and it just doesn't seem to register with you that it would sure be nice to have a ballpark. It's so selfish of you to be unable to communicate with me on simple things like that. And then, when you come home and immediately leave to run, just announcing where you're going, without asking if it's a convenient time or if that works with our dinner or my schedule, it makes me want to put my fist down your throat. It's really confusing to me how someone who loves me - and I believe you do - and who loves our kids, can just have no regard for simple, common courtesies like that. I think I make your life too easy. It's the only explanation I can think of that explains how you could have no regard for me and are unable to extend to me the same flexibility that you demand for yourself in our household. I've tried to talk to you about this and you just don't get it, which I don't get and then we both end up angry.
I sometimes try to imagine what it would be like to be a single parent to our wonderful kids and that makes me sad because it's not what I want and I don't think it's what you want either. The other reason it makes me sad is that when I try to think about what impacts that would have on my day to day routine in running our household and parenting, I don't think it would be that big of a deal. You're so wrapped up in what you want to do that you're often a non-factor and I don't count on you to do very much. Sad.
This isn't the marriage I imagined for myself when I was young and idealistic and it's not even the marriage I thought I was getting into when I enthusiastically entered into it with you. I think having kids made me realize how selfish we both were, and that worked when it was just us, but now that we have these two amazing kids, it's not working for me. I think you were right. You shouldn't be married and shame on me for finding it out this way.
I see that you’re trying. I really do. I see what you’re doing differently and I really do appreciate it. I know you want to make this work. I do too. I hate that we both have to work through our issues, but I’m glad we’re doing it together. You stay beside me while I learn to deal with my past. I’ll hold your hand while you work through what you survived in the war. Thank you for staying.. Thank you for not trying to scare me away. I see that you’re trying and I can never thank you enough. Some day we’ll find that we’ve become the elderly couple in the park who slowly shuffles through while holding hands. It’s so rough at times, but I can’t imagine it any other way
I find it absolutely revolting that you refuse to take a shower for
sometimes 2 weeks straight. The only way you ever take one is when I tell
you that you won't get any sex from me unless you do. And sometimes that
doesn't even work. You disgust me. And I don't want to be disgusted by the
man that I love. PLEASE take a fucking shower!
Why is it that you can spend our money like there is no tomorrow and I have to be the frugal one? Maybe for once I would like to have something nice. Did you ever think of that?
I am attracted to your best friend. I've known him now for twelve
years, the same as I've known you. And over the years, my attraction
has grown and waned, but it never completely fades. I suspect that he
has some feelings for me too, but I'll never know for sure. I
certainly won't ask him or share my feelings. It's a forbidden
subject. And nothing would ever come of this attraction. We both love
you and would never ever betray you.
But, sometimes when he leans in close to me and I can smell his skin,
it makes me crave more. Or when our fingers accidentally touch, I feel
electricity. And when the three of us are just sitting on the couch,
sometime I think about what it would be like to kiss him. What it
would be like to be held by him. It is unsettling.
my confession i sent last week made me want to talk to you. so i did. and you reacted exactly the way i thought you would. you blamed it all on your job and you told me to tell you to quit.
i know the hours you work make a difference. you say that we are not used to being married now that we have worked separate shifts for a year now. i know part of that is true, but what is the excuse that sometimes you are downright mean? after we had our talk and i told you that i wasn't happy, you said you knew. you said you weren't happy either. you said that rather than get another divorce, that you would quit your job.
i know that you want to work first shift. i want you to work first shift. it's not fun for me to take care of 95% of the kids' needs all the time. sometimes i want/need a break. but we are not in a financial position at the moment to do that. we need to use the income and pay off some bills, then you can look for something else, as you know that you won't be able to make as much elsewhere. but in the meantime, you and i need to work harder at our relationship.
you need to help more with the housework. and you did this weekend. which really helped. and you didn't act like an ass. that was appreciated. but what you did do was after our conversation on Saturday, it was like you forgot all about it Sunday and Monday, and you are back to normal, might i add, after you got some, which is exactly what i told you would happen.
so here we are again... what to do now?
marriage is not what i expected that it would be. it's hard. sometimes it's not fun. the companionship is great, but sometimes i long for the butterflies again.
do the butterflies always go away? is it supposed to be this way? i don't know, I'm just trying to figure it all out...
I’m so sorry I cheated on you. At first I thought it was special with him and that it was ok if I lost you. I thought you were indifferent toward me and might not even notice if I left. Now I realize that I was wrong. You just showed your love in different ways and I refused to see that. Things haven’t been perfect for us but it was *us* and we made it through so much. I’m terrified to separate from you. I don’t want to be without you. I wish things hadn’t gotten to this point. Thank you for so many years of love. Thank you for being my best friend. I will always regret the hurt I’ve caused you.
All men who work for Law Enforcement cheat. Sorry wives – but they ALL do. I see it every single day. Just a heads up to the ladies- so you can keep your eye on your man with badge.
I am so sorry I wasted almost 3 years of our married life caring about a jackass who didn't feel the same way about me ... except for when he acted like he did so I could be manipulated into caring about him again.
I'm sorry for the e-mails to him, the phone calls, the fantasies, all of it.
More than anything else, I'm sorry I still care. So sorry.
I wish he was dead. And at times like this, I wish I was, too.
I have no idea why I broke up with you. I keep trying to tell myself it's because I couldn't move there..but in the end I think it was that and because I don't find you as attractive as I used to.
I was expecting you to be just as cute as you were when you were my age, back then. But you aren't. You have aged..whether it be from time and stress or I don't know. And I couldn't spend the rest of my life with a man I didn't find that attractive.
I love exactly who you are, but my shallow side won and I didn't have the balls to admit that to you. I am an uber cunt and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for throwing you away.